Monday, October 21, 2013

A Tale of Heel Piss Cream

    A couple weeks ago, Elsie from Mock Turtle's Musings commented that she hadn't read my description of "Heel Piss Cream."  I promised her  I would repost it soon.  Of course, since my Columbus Day post was a rerun, I needed to write some original stuff before I did so.  I didn't want anyone to think that my "comedy well" was running dangerously low.  Of course, there's probably some of you who are thinking, "Geez-a-lou, Al, get over yourself.  If you were that funny, somebody would be paying you."  To those people I say, "Well put."
    So, by all means, continue to enjoy comedy for free.  Especially since it's too much trouble to put on a pair of pants to go to a Comedy Club which has a two drink minimum.
    Besides, it's not like Penwasser Place is a Blog of Note or anything.  By the way, does Blogger even do that anymore?

    Anyway, this is from February, 2011.  Although, if I hadn't told you that, none of you (apart from Robyn and dbs) would even know that.  It's as written.  Except I added captions to the pictures.  See?  It may be warmed-over leftovers, but it's warmed-over leftovers over with pizazz!

    Enjoy.  

    Elsie, this is for you.  



**********

Modern Medicine


Heels.
Or a really chapped scrotum.
With an odd dark space between the "boys."



    I realize that age is a relative thing.  But, since I'm the oldest of all my relatives (the ones still alive, anyway), it does impact my view on life (which, in addition to being a family board game, is also a snappy breakfast cereal.  And defunct picture magazine).


   Anyway, like Joan Rivers, I think my body is slowly starting to dry up.  I first noticed this phenomenon as it manifested itself on my heels (come to think of it, is 'manifest' even a medical term? Like 'piles'?).   As they lose their precious moisture, they start to crack, thus causing me pain (golly, I bet I'm painting quite an attractive picture for you, huh?).  Since I'm pretty attached to walking, this pain can be a bit...uh...painful.

  To alleviate this discomfort, I've come to rubbing them with something called "Heel Balm," a noxious cream which has the consistency of wood putty.  And is as about as hard to get off my hands as Lindsey at last call.
CAUTION:  Not for consumption or for use as a suppository.
Probably didn't need to mention that.

   It actually kind of works.  My heels feel as silky smooth as a baby's bottom.  If a baby's rear end was attached to the bottom of a 52 year-old man, that is.  

NOTE from 2013 Al:  I'm now 55.  

   Impressed at the results, I turned the tube over to examine what its ingredients were.  Among a drugstore-size list of chemicals, I noticed that it contained "Urea."
And that really pissed me off.
    Even though I had a pretty good idea what "urea" is I looked it up in the dictionary.  Yep, I was right.

Urea: n.  1. A white crystalline or powdery compound found in mammalian urine.

  In essence, I've been rubbing PEE on my feet!  Without wearing gloves!  How positively medieval.  Good thing my feet are the farthest thing on my body away from my nose.

    Once I got over my initial disgust, though, I felt a little better.  Especially after I consulted the entrails of an owl.
"Yeah, you try shitting through feathers
and see how you fe...hey, what the frik are you doing with that knife!?"
    

49 comments:

  1. I'm glad to hear that this stuff eventually worked a little bit Al, heel piss cream is the weirdest name but if it works and keeps you away from looking like Joan Rivers then I'm not against it!

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    Replies
    1. It really did the trick. But, the dog kept pissing on my legs to mark his spot.

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    2. Come to think of it...my shins ARE pretty smooth now.

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  2. First of all, if those heels were "boys", most chicks would run away screaming. And second, my sicko mind could not get the visual outta my head of a baby's rear end attached to the bottom of a 52 year old man. I had to reread that several times before realizing that was not a sex act.

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    Replies
    1. But, one day, a diaper will swathe that wrinkly old bottom.
      I have prepared the children.

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  3. Oh lord could they at least change the name. Maybe like Your Heals Urine Good Hands? LOL. Ok it doesn't look as funny typed out as it did in my head.

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  4. If you still need to use this then you could probably save money by just pissing yourself. Maybe the incontinence that comes with age is actually a natural defense mechanism to keep your feet going.

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    Replies
    1. I think that's why old guys have smooth heels.

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  5. Yuck, pee feet hahahaha I guess you were pissed off and pissed on all at the same time

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    Replies
    1. Coulda been worse, I suppose. It coulda been "fecal" ointment.

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  6. Hilarious...even the second time around. I remember this post from when I was writing under the blogger name of "Four Moons". I disappeared for a while, but like Prince, I came back under a new name! This is the first blog I looked up and added to my reading list because of the free comedy relief! Anyway, hope your heals continue to benefit from the pee cream. Hey, whatever works!

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    Replies
    1. Well, where have you been, young lady? I missed your blog. Heading over to your place now.

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  7. Gross! Thankfully, I haven't eaten yet—although not I'm not sure I want to...

    Have a great Monday, Al!

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    Replies
    1. I think you're okay. It's not for chapped lips.

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  8. I have an idea. Why don't you just piss in the shower - killing two birds at once. I read somewhere that most people (read MEN) commonly pee while taking a shower. Just think how smooth your feet would feel if you'd do this every day! Just don't tell your wife that you're doing this! SHE'D KILL YOU!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. As George Costanza said, "IT'S ALL PIPES!!"

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    2. Plus, I don't let birds in my shower.

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  9. Funny! Actually, pee is good for lots of things. Someone once told me that the best way to get rid of a wart on my hand was to pee on it. Today that wart is gone, along with most of my friends.

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    Replies
    1. I also wrote a post (which was inspired by this) about how the ancient Romans used urine to get their togas sparkling white. No wonder the Germans kicked their ass.

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    2. Oh, and you may not want to use that technique to help a friend out with HIS wart.

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  10. I would piss on those heels without a second thought. They actually look more like tongues than testicles.Very thirsty tongues.

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    Replies
    1. I just scrolled up.
      You're right.
      Desert tongues.

      Delete
  11. wow you never know what's the secret ingredient in something.

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    Replies
    1. I've even heard that Pop Rocks aren't really rocks.

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  12. I've heard of being called a "shit heel" but never a "piss heel". Hey, whatever works! lol

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    Replies
    1. I just pee in the shower and cut out the middleman.

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  13. Oh Al, I remember peeing in my pants when you posted this before. Then, I took off my panties and wiped them on my heels. I've gotta tell ya, this stuff really works. Thanks for the reminder.

    xoRobyn

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    Replies
    1. Yeah, but try pissing on your feet at Pay Less and see how cranky clerks can get.

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  14. Brought to you by the makers of Red Bull....

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    Replies
    1. You'll never sleep but you'll have feet like a baby's ass.

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  15. I always find soaking my heels on the fresh blood of virgins does the trick for me... But I'm kinda old school.

    Hugs!

    Valerie

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Are there any in New Jersey?
      BA DUM BUM
      Thank you, thank you very much.

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  16. That pop rocks comment was amazing.

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    Replies
    1. It's like Razzles. They're candy AND gum. Wow. What will Science think of next?

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  17. I always wanted a posted dedicated to me but I was hoping it'd be, I don't know, something other than a pair of dry and crusty feet. On a side note, I hate feet. They disgust me. The above picture is an example of why. That and the picture Pat uses for his Zombie feet. Ugh! One yet another side note, umm, I too am beginning to get dry and crusty feet. What's the name of that brand? ha ha ha Thanks for having that picture in my blog roll all day. What a treat for me to look at as I respond to comments in my blog. I can't help but look.

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  18. But on the plus side... urine is sterile.

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    Replies
    1. Ladies and gentlemen...we have a silver lining!

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  19. Ok this cracked me up like my heels are cracked up, ok my heels are not that cracked up since I piss on them in the shower............ok I don't but it sounded good didn't it.

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    1. As long as you don't poo on them Don't know how that would affect your skin, but I gotta think it wouldn't be good.

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  20. I don't think urine trouble with this one. Talk about taking the piss. Evidently, Madonna pisses on her feet in the shower and she sings "Pappa don't piss...." Oh and you didn't apologise for posting or reposting. Shame on you and have a poo!

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    Replies
    1. Pissing is probably the least objectionable thing Madonna does in the shower.

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  21. Didn't I meet you in Q-town some years ago?

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    Replies
    1. I was the guy without teeth pushing a shopping cart full of cans down Rte 309.

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  22. Don't look up what red food colouring is made of.

    Hint: It's dead bugs.

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  23. None of this would've happened had you gone for a pedicure instead! Well, maybe it would have, but at least you wouldn't have known about it.

    Julie

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    Replies
    1. I suffer from Old Man Toe. No way I put innocent Korean ladies through that.

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