Sunday, September 22, 2013

Legend of the Fall


Spring ahead, fall back.
Or is that feed a cold, starve a fever?
    Today, at precisely 4:44 PM Eastern Daylight Time (or 1644 for those of you who observe the 24 hour time system.  And have big-ass clocks), we will undergo the Autumnal Equinox.  This means we will have an equal amount of daylight and dark (or some other such Druid stuff like that).  

    If we don't, President Obama has authorized cruise missile strikes on the sun.

    From this afternoon on, the Earth will continue an inexorable tilt which will eventually fling polar bears off the planet and cause the daylight hours to grow short.  
"Okay, guys, it's starting to get cold.
Let me get this straight...you can figure out how to move these frikkin' boulders,
but none of you dumb bastards thought to put in walls?"
    This will continue until the Winter Solstice (more Druid stuff) sometime around December 21st or so (NOTE:  Too lazy to Google exactly when.  Incidentally, how frikkin' lazy is that?).  This will be the shortest day of the year.  Which still doesn't get you off the hook for Christmas shopping, partner.  So, get off your dead ass.  

    Unless you're Jewish.  Then, you've got eight crazy nights to go buy something.  Or you celebrate Kwanzaa.  In which case you...oh, crap, I don't really know anything about Kwanzaa except it has to do with oranges, bundles of sticks, or something.
Oh, yeah, and candles, too.
But, I thought Hannukah had the monopoly on that?
    From then on, the days will grow longer until the Vernal Equinox in...March?...then the Summer Solstice in June which is marked by the longest amount of daylight.  And the return of fat guys wearing Speedos at the Jersey Shore.
There are advantages to it
being too cold to go to the beach.
    But, let's don't get ahead of ourselves.  We've got a lot of snow and ice to get through (except you showoffs down under) before the return of warm days.


    Anyway, my point is how do they know???   

Seriously, do they have some guy with a stopwatch counting down how many seconds are left before the equinox?  Actually, I had that job a couple of years ago, but it didn't turn out so well...

"41,612...41,613...41,614..."
"Hey, Al!  We're going to Dunkin' Donuts.  You want anything?"
"Yeah, pick me up a chocolate frosted and a large coff...oh...CRAP!
1...2...3..."

4:43 PM
Summertime and the weather's fine.


4:44 PM
Next thing you know, you're raking leaves.
And working for Walmart.


Meanwhile, the weather down under is starting to turn out very nice....

"Up yours, mate.
And don't forget to put on your mittens."


    

42 comments:

  1. I think there are actually people in meteorological departments who do measure the precise amount of time between equinoxes and things. I didn't realise today was an equinox as I just keep track of the Winter Solstice which I do believe is the 21st of December.

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    1. Talk about specialized employment. They'd only have to work something like, what?, four times a year?

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  2. Seriously interesting post Al, personally I can't wait until the Winter equinox, I like it specifically because it signals the nights getting longer again, gives me hopes haha. Great post man. Let's hope it's a good Autumn, also the 21st seems too early for my usual Christmas shopping time, the 24th, I hope it's different this year!

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    1. I honestly prefer the dark. Guess that makes me part vampire.

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  3. I for one am glad it's getting darker sooner and lighter later. How am I supposed to burn all this wood if it's hot all the time? Plus I have a secret project in store that just might give me something fun to do this winter besides mastur.....oh never mind!

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    1. There's ALWAYS room for mast....you're right . Never mind.

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  4. When the time goes back, I'm happy, the rest of the crap, i could care less about. Must be a boring job though, damn those kangaroos have it good.

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    1. Yeah, spring ahead blows. Gotta get up an hour earlier.

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  5. Forget every thing else.... where did ya get that fancy Walmart vest????

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    1. Oh! And all I know about the Spring time change is that it always falls on Youngest's birthday party weekend, so I somehow "accidentally" end up with kids for an extra hour.

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    2. He rolled it from some greeter he met in a dark alley...

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    3. Actually, a friend of mine made it for me when I retired from the Navy. She put all sorts of buttons on the front and copied a Walmart "Hello My Name Is" badge. Pretty funny.
      I haven't had the nerve to wear it at an actual Walmart. Or, better yet, a K-Mart. Where I'd hang out and tell people to go to Walmart because "K-Mart sucks."

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  6. Extra hour!? When does that happen? That's going to really bugger things up for the guy with the stopwatch.

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  7. How could you even think of eating donuts after viewing that fat man on the beach?

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    Replies
    1. I drink a Diet Coke and-voila!-problem solved.

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  8. never even noticed the equinox. Just like the planets aligning, it's all dumb stuff.

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    1. So what I'm hearing is..,you're not a Druid.

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  9. Great post, but I don't like the way that kangaroo is looking at me. I BBQ all year round and I'm curious about kangaroo meat.

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    1. Keeps hopping off the plate. Give me hamburger anytime.

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  10. Yep. Time for snow to start arriving and slowing down all traffic to a standstill.

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  11. I can confirm that our weather is definitely improving. Thank goodness. Very much over Winter

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  12. Having another summer like day in spring today, very nice indeed................not to hot not to cold really pretty nice...................I would love to see polar bears flying off the planet...............just saying.............

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  13. I'll take fat guys wearing speedos over cold weather any day!

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    1. As long as they don't sit at the dinner table.

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  14. I'm not certain, Al, but I think they pay a fat groundhog wearing a little speedo to do the calculations.

    I'm impressed with the lengths you go to to get the perfect pictures. And I don't mean anything sexual by lengths. I'm just not used to seeing long things. That's all.

    I know that guy in the water. First name: Moby. Last name: Oh, Al, you got me started again! Geeze!

    xoRobyn

    PS The shortest day of the year used to be Gary Coleman's favorite. Too soon?

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    1. Never too soon for Gary Coleman jokes!
      THAT'S what I'm talkin' 'bout!

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  15. If you haven't lost your moobs by the Autumnal equinox, they're destined to get nuzzled by a Druid on the Winter Solstice. Do you know any Druids who are leg men?

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    1. And nothing beats a moob-nuzzlin' Druid.

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  16. Great stuff and this means absolutely nothing to Britain where it's always October as in the October that it can be in the Northern Hemisphere.

    In the meantime, the penguins are falling off the bottom of the South Pole.

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  17. My oldest sister is pagan, but I don't think she has one of those snazzy robes.

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  18. Maybe on EBay?
    Seriously...pagan? How cool. Does she worship nature or anything like that? Or is she an atheist (although you would have said atheist).

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    1. Yes, she is big into nature and Goddess and all that. She used to wear a bag of rocks around her neck. Not sure what happened, but I don't notice her do that anymore.

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    2. She probably stopped doing that after she tried to go swimming.

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  19. It is sad that the days are getting shorter, but you cheered me up with your costumes. It's amazing how you were even able to fit into that kangaroo suit!

    Julie

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    1. Plus I jumped and I jumped.....till I threw up.
      On that fat guy.

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  20. Al
    I loved this post. One of your funniest. I'm still laughing over the "flinging polar bears off the planet" image. Good job.

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    1. Very few people know that the Druids were a scream.

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