Wednesday, August 14, 2013

I'm In the Money

    Since I'm presently not maximizing my earnings potential (i.e., unemployed), I began looking for ways to put a few dollars into my pocket after my last job as a Teaching Assistant went the way of the American automobile industry in June.

    Unfortunately, since my stint as a male prostitute for women with low standards wasn't as lucrative as I'd hoped, I needed to find something else.  Then I thought, why not raise money from writing?  After all, there's really no difference between me and Stephen King.  Except he's talented.  And rich.

    Okay, well there is that.

    Since book publishers haven't been breaking my door down and sales of my epic opusi (or should that be opususses?), Shag Carpet Toilet and The Knothead Twins and the Mystery of the Ghost Crabs  haven't exactly rocketed me to the top of the New York Times bestseller list, I began searching for something else.




    







Now on Kindle and Nook:  Shag Carpet Toilet and The Knothead Twins.

Several have been sold!!  Millions are available!!
Why spend money on something good??
Get yours now!!

    So, after seeing that several of you have done the same, I signed up for Google AdSense and waited for thousands of dollars to come roaring into my bank account.

    You probably know what I'm talking about.  AdSense places commercial ads on our blogs.  Then (and I really don't don't know why) whenever anyone clicks on them, some money gets funneled into my account.  The fact that I've never clicked on an ad for an Electric Dog Polisher or a Fur Lined Sink was irrelevant.  Somebody would click on one of my ads.  After all, this is Penwasser Place!

    As of today, I've made twenty cents with AdSense!  

    Wahoo!!!  Happy days are here again!!  Hey, don't laugh.  Twenty cents was real money.  In the 18th century.

    While mentally spending my lavish earnings (ignoring the fact that, at this rate, it will take me ten years to buy a bag of Skittles), I noticed that the ads on my blog look suspiciously like Google is going for a specific target audience.  

    And that target audience is me. 

    For instance:

I don't quite know what to make of this. 
                           If I were to click on this, would I become a white Oprah?  
With blue hair?


Huh.
Well, whaddya know?
I just thought veggies helped you poop and
made your pee smell.  
I guess they also melt the skin off your body.
That'll make you weigh less, I suppose.





If all else fails, I suppose could resort to this.  
Incidentally, ladies?  
I personally don't think it's right that most of these weight loss ads have women in them.  
Or that Google apparently thinks I'm a chick.





I guess if that Gastric bypass thing doesn't work out, I could hide in one of these.


Not only does Google think I'm a chick, they think I suck at golf.
But, that is an adorable shirt. 
It would so match my shoes. 
Incidentally, Google is right.


Seriously, do they know something I don't?


Whoa, hang on!  I don't know anyone in the Philippines.  
Oops.  Except for that Filipino "hospitality girl" in Dubai.  
Never mind.





I think Mrs. Penwasser had something to do with this.




     I just thank goodness there's no ads for ass-less leather chaps.


Jason Greenslate from La Jolla-Free Spirit and Noted Slacker
"On the other hand, why work at all, dude?  
You can surf, play rock and roll, and score with hot chicks.
And the government will send you money.
Thanks, taxpayers!"



50 comments:

  1. I uh, don't think I should mention how much money I've made off my blog...

    Though that was a long time ago and my earnings have since dried up.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Please. It doesn't look to be a big money-maker.
      Maybe I suck at this.

      Delete
  2. Are they going to give you more money for re-advertising their ads in a blog post? You could always hire a chimp to click on them a million times. Anyway, I'm pretty sure that 20 cents would have bought a lot of candy in the Oleson's shop in Little House on the Prairie. Mrs Oleson would have probably given you a handjob for a dollar.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You know, I never considered that I was giving them free advertising! Nuts!
      Speaking of getting a chimp to click on them, I was informed by AdSense that clicking on the ads in my own blog will totally frik up their system and not garner me any money. Nuts again!
      Incidentally, if Mrs. Oleson wanted to give me a handjob, I'd pay HER.

      Delete
  3. Like Damien I also originally made a decent amount of money through AdSense but now it's dried up to being maybe 50 pence, or 50 cents for my American friends such as yourself, a month. Shag Carpet Toilet was a really good read and more people should buy it in my opinion, step on it guys!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hopefully the word 'toilet' didn't put people off or putting 'shag' in the same context as 'toilet' didn't give my British friends the wrong impression.

      Delete
  4. DANG, I got into this blogging business so I could quit my day job of bein' a domestic engineer. I was under the mistaken impression I was gonna hit the big time. Oh, and there are quite a few dudes who really dig those full figured women like that blue haired chick. That may be part of the problem. Ain't nobody gonna click on that ad 'cause "I like big butts and I'm not gonna lie...."

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think you're right. Now, if she put it into a beehive, she could go for a total "Marge Simpson" look.

      Delete
  5. hahaha maybe it is those Russians that come here. They could like the kinky stuff. I tried it once, got to $10 after 4 months, said oh we'll pay you when you hit 100, got to 100 after a year and the ******** closed my account. So f them I say. Much much better ways to make money.

    ReplyDelete
  6. You've made much more money off of your blog than I have mine. So far I haven't made a penny.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'll give you half. That way neither of us will be able to afford anything.

      Delete
  7. the golf trick is to become a lying senior citizen with a weight problem.

    ReplyDelete
  8. I clicked on one. Did that help, or do I have to buy something?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Good golly, don't buy anything.
      Ooh, I hope they don't read these things.

      Delete
  9. If they place one for erectile dysfunction on your blog, it's time to cancel your account.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I know. I won't be able to keep it up (Penwasser Place) anymore.

      Delete
  10. I have made so much money off my blog I can afford to buy nothing.............lol yeah that is right......nothing.....

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Shame. I already promised half of my 20 cents, otherwise I'd help you out..

      Delete
  11. Don't 'cha think, that if we could all lose belly fat by following this one weird trick, none of us would have belly fat?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think you're right. Then they'd all be out of business.

      Delete
  12. You just gotta learn to tag correctly, that's the secret. I've been paid once and I am half way to my second payment. But, I think that comes more from the ads I have on another place I wrote articles for a few years back.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. When you write your post, look over to the right. Blogger calls it labels. Click on that and add words(tags) to say what the post is about. People do a search and the search engine finds your tag that matches what they searched and your post shows up. The tag also can help google determine what the post is about and put ads in. You can also go into your adsense account and go to allow and block ads and check which you want and which you don't.

      Delete
    2. Easy to tag, yes. Becoming rich off blogging is another story.

      Delete
    3. Dang it!
      Maybe I should give that gigolo thing another try....?

      Delete
    4. It might be worth some consideration.

      Delete
  13. I know some of my fellow bloggers who have tried to make money off of their blog but haven't been successful. 20 cents can buy you a Tootsie Roll Pop at least! Silver linings?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. All sounds good until you realize the tootsie roll has already been chewed.

      Delete
  14. I was on BlogHer for 2 years. Made maybe . . . $12. I know, I know - don't hate.

    ReplyDelete
  15. It is interesting the kind of ads that are placed on your blog. In my case, I attract a liberal sprinkling of "women in your area looking for a quick shag," Viagra adverts and natural remedies for flatulence. I can't think why!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I kinda understand some of them. That Philippines one, all kidding aside, I don't get.

      Delete
  16. I'm not 18 yet, so unfortunately I can't make any money off of my blog.

    www.modernworld4.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hmmm....maybe that'll will be my excuse. Except I haven't been 18 since the birth of disco, so I don't think anyone will buy it.

      Delete
  17. Writing is definitely not a way to get rich quick! Good luck with those adsense earnings.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks. I wouldn't quit my day job. If only I HAD a day job.

      Delete
  18. What is this Google thing you speak of?

    ReplyDelete
  19. Al - What if you combined your skills as a gigolo with your handyman tools for a full service approach? Seriously though, you have more talent than most comedy writers in movies and TV. I hope that things pick up for you soon Al.

    Julie

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. A gigolo handyman?
      That may work.
      Especially if I had Snap-On-Tools.

      Delete
  20. You're MUCH better than Stephen King. Personally, I don't think his writing is that good at all. His ideas are good, and they make good films, but trying to read his books is about as entertaining as beating yourself in the face with a brick.

    Perhaps you could start a business installing shag carpets on people's toilets? Or what about bedazzling toilets? I'd totally pay you to bedazzle all the toilets in my house.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That'd be sweet! Problem is, nobody would want to leave the bathroom.

      Delete
  21. You are so darn funny!

    If you start making money on a blog, don't all the photo copyright rules then apply?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. This comment has been removed by the author.

      Delete
  22. I think you can get a lolly from the corner deli for -20c. I know you cant get an icecream from Macca's though. You might have to save up a bit more for one of those

    ReplyDelete