Saturday, June 29, 2013

Facebook Funnies L

"Okay, last question.  Yes, you in the, Mustard Gas is not a suitable replacement condiment for a ham sandwich.  Hey, wait a frikkin' minute...what the f...hey, are you Jewish!?"

Wednesday, June 26, 2013

Hey, Hey, Paula

"We're the Food Network and we...uh...hey...did anyone tell Paula to get the hell out of here?  No?  Well, she's sitting right behind the big, bl.....whoa!!  I mean, the bald guy with the glasses.  What?  I can't say bald now???"

    Last week we were informed that the Food Network will not be renewing the contract of one of its most popular chefs, Paula Deen, when it expires at the end of the month.

   What did she do, you might ask?  Did she use abusive language to her bosses?  Was she not pulling in satisfactory ratings?  Did she serve red wine with fish?  Did she spit in the grits fritters?

    Seriously, how do you not know?  Do you live under a rock?  Or do you pay attention to real, important news like, oh, say, the civil war in Syria, drone strikes on innocent civilians, or the birth of North West the striking down of the Defense of Marriage Act?

    Well, if so, you have my admiration.  You have what's in short supply in Hollywood:  a brain.
"Michael Jackson was black!!??
Well, hesh my mouth!!!"

Seriously, she could cook cheese on a shoe
and I'd still put her show on.
    Paula Deen was let go by the linguini-spined Food Network for her use of the "N" Word (and I don't mean Nutrasweet).  This was brought on as a result of a suit filed against her and her family by an employee at her Savannah restaurant, Uncle Bubba's Cornpone Pants or some other such name.
    Apparently, the eatery was a cesspool of hate and racial hatred.  The plaintiff insists that Paula used said word and employed racially insensitive jokes on a number of occasions.  Also, Paula evidently said...that word...when she was held up during a bank robbery.
But, will the Food Network get hacked off
if you give the finger to a dying kid twice?


    Whether or not Paula said such things is beside the point.  She's admitted that she has.  I join with those who detest such language.  It was wrong.    

    However, she has issued what-to me, anyway-sounded like heartfelt apologies asking for forgiveness.  Sounds reasonable, especially since we've all said (or even done) some things which wouldn't stand up well in the light of day.  Hell, I've even said midget when I meant to say dwarf.  And goodness knows, Chaz Bono would probably beat the crap out of me if I ever met

    See?  I did it again.

    So, should an apology just wipe away what she said?  Of course not.  If there is a price to be paid, it should be in the court of public opinion.
"Hey, you can even call Sarah Palin's kid 
retarded and you're good to go!" 

    But, should she have have been canned for it?  Of course not.  The fact that her network felt no loyalty to her is evident.  They caved in to political correctness, pure and simple.

    I won't get into the fact that PLENTY of people, particularly black and white rappers, use the exact same word.  But, two wrongs don't make a right and all that.
"Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.  
Well, what do you frikkin' Jews know, anyway?"
NOTE:  I am not an Anti-Semite

    No, Paula Deen should not have been fired for something she said.

    But, I did have a problem with her incessant use of the term y'all nearly all...the...damn...time.

    That really got on my nerves.

As a white dude, should I be pissed off about this?

We return you now to important news:

    Like....Anthony Weiner continues to stick it out as the Democratic nominee for Mayor of New York City.  

Weiner has staying power
    Incidentally, why they don't fire that guy is beyond me.

Saturday, June 22, 2013

I Wonder

If cops get pissed off if they're behind you and you're only doing the speed limit?

"Motherf***in' slowpoke!!  Doesn't he know those glazed at Krispy Kreme won't stay hot forever??"

Thursday, June 20, 2013

Facebook Funnies XLIX

"Okay, which one of you bastards switched out the Cascade for that
cheap-ass generic dishwasher soap?  You know that crap leaves so
many spots on the glasses that I can't see my reflection. 
Was it you, Boehner?"

Saturday, June 15, 2013

Paris-The City of Love

Warning:  The following post contains seven uses of the word 'quirky.'
When I Googled 'platypi,' this is what I got.
No kidding. 
  A week or so ago, I visited Valerie Nunez and the Flying Platypi again.  Hoping to find some more of her text exchanges with a stranger which involved Pluto, I instead found a story of her trip to see a friend in Maryland.  Titled Mannequins and Shenanigans (C'mon, click on the link.  You know you want to), it was a tale which involved...uh...mannequins (try and keep up, willya?  Did you even click on that link??), beer, and boobies.

    And, apparently, shenanigans.
Course, I also got this.
I think both shots involved crotches.
Wrong Pluto.
It also involved something which I at first thought was a little strange.  Valerie apparently likes to have her picture taken of her licking things (now I know you're going to click on the link).  Not sexual by any means (yeah, you clicked thinking it was, didn't you, you nasty boy?), it's merely a quirky little way of snapping photos which are a little...uh...quirky (sorry, I didn't feel like looking in the thesaurus for another word which means 'quirky').
"No, no, here I am!  I so too am a planet!!!
Coulda been worse.  Coulda been Uranus.
Imagine that.
Rings around Uranus.
Shoulda wiped better.
  While thinking to myself, "Hmm, that's a little quirky." (yeah, imagine that. Me, thinking something is quirky), I realized that I have my own little quirk (there's that word again).  As some of you know, I like to take pictures of myself tying my shoes, usually in front of, or in the background of, a famous spot.  Venice's Grand Canal, a pyramid (one of the good ones.  Not those posers in Central America), the Spanish Steps, the Dead Sea, or the Camden waterfront have all seen me trying to keep my laces tied.

   One of my favorite shots has to be that which I took with the Eiffel Tower in the background and I commented on this to Valerie.  She asked that I post said picture.  On the other hand, she may have just been being polite.  And is currently researching what it takes to draft up a restraining order on Blogger.

    So, at the risk of reposting something which you've already seen, please allow me to once more  post "Paris-The City of Love."

  While our ship was anchored in Marseilles, France (seriously, did you think I meant Marseilles, Illinois?), a group of friends and I decided to take a train to Paris (also in France) to take in the sights, see the Mona Lisa, and eat some cheese (I may have mentioned this once or twice).

  While waiting for the tour to Napoleon's Tomb (rumor has it that he's dead), we decided to stroll about the city while affecting German accents (strangely, this didn't go over all that well.  It's like those French people have zero sense of humor).
  During our stroll, we happened to see the Eiffel Tower (golly, you know, you just can't miss that thing. It's like the French Oprah).  I thought it would be cool to get a shot of me tying my shoe with it in the background (why?  I have no frikkin' clue.  But, I think Valerie understands).

  So, I did (which you may have gathered from the picture above).  

  What you don't know......

   See that dog behind me, to the right?  
"And I'm not talking
Kibbles and Bits, baby"
 Well, not more than five seconds after my friend told me had the picture, Le Bow Wow decided to introduce himself to me.     Yeah, that way.  I knew I was in trouble when I saw two paws on top of my shoulders and felt a little rhythmic action along with what I could have sworn was some Barry White music playing in the background.
    Luckily, I managed to shake myself free.
    After I licked him.
    Hmm, come to think of it, Valerie's not so quirky, after all.

Thursday, June 13, 2013

Facebook Funnies XLVIII

"Awwwww...crap!!  I thought that leg cream said 'NIagra'!!  Now what
am I gonna do with this!?"

Monday, June 10, 2013

In the Mens Room-the Fourth Day

What the f...?????
Now what are we gonna read?
And I bet we can forget about that stripper pole, too.
The beer was probably a bad idea, though.
The place is skunky enough as it is.

I wonder if I can still get my hands on that copy of Woman's Day.
I really gotta take care of some business....

Sunday, June 9, 2013

In the Mens Room-The Third Day

Well, alrighty then.
This week we plan on putting in a stripper pole and a bar.  If you can get past the stench, I'd say it's gonna be a great place to hang out.
(NOTE: No pun intended)

Thursday, June 6, 2013

Facebook Funnies XLVII

You mean we have a Krispy Kreme in New Jersey?  No shit?"

Monday, June 3, 2013

In the Mens Room-The Second Day

Well, that's more like it.

Although, I was going back to check how I could be slimmer without dieting.

Saturday, June 1, 2013

In the Mens Room

Well, ya gotta read somethin'...