Saturday, April 27, 2013

X-Ray


'X' is for X-Ray
(and not much else, besides X-Men, Xerxes, and Xygote)

"Absolutely nothing to be worried about.
Now, if you'll just get up on this table, I'll put this lead apron on
and jump behind the bullet-proof shield here.
We're all good?  Super!"
     X-Rays are a form of electromagnetic radiation which has a
"You know, Gary Coleman is shorter than me
 and...what's that?  He's dead?
  Oh, well, then, I guess I have it pretty good."
wavelength in the range of 0.01 to 10 nanometers.  Which is really, really, really short.  We're talking Danny DeVito short.  I think.

    Anyways, many people feel that X-Rays are very similar to Gamma Rays.  I can so totally see that.  After all...they're...uh...both rays.  And can, I think, hurt you.  So, yeah, they're pretty much the same.
Gamma Rays
Totally effs up your shirt and hair, too

Yeah, we're looking for guns.  That's our story.
    








    However, scientists with German accents disagree, claiming emphatically that X-Rays are fundamentally different than Gamma Rays.  Citing testimony from Marvel Comics, they categorically state that Gamma Rays can turn you into Lou Ferrigno.  On the other hand, X-Rays are used largely in the medical field to solve any variety of maladies.  And let TSA agents see the boobies of female airline passengers.

    Guys, too, but I won't judge. 

    The existence of X-Rays were first discovered in the 19th Century by Hans Schmeckeldorff, an unemployed bridge abutment.  Trying to develop something he called a "microwave" to heat up his weiner  (insert inevitable, sophomoric joke here), he set the machine's frequency too high.  When his girlfriend walked in front of the device, Hans recoiled, "Ewwww, get away!  I can see all your bones and shit."
NOTE:  the above has no basis in fact.  It just gave me the chance to use the word "weiner." And I don't think an X-Ray can really detect shit as more than something dark.

    From that weenie roast, development of the X-Ray proceeded (according to Wikipedia):

* Hermann von Helmholtz:  formulated mathematical equation for X-Rays ("If 10 nanomters is more than 9 nanometers, how long does it take to roast your weiner?")

*  Johann Hittorf:  Observed tubes with energy rays.  Got bored.  Went and watched the Franco-Prussian War instead.

*  William Crookes:  Investigated the effects of energy following discharge of rare gases.  Investigated the effects of "Tio Julio's El Burrito Grande" vis-a-vis discharge of bodily gases.

*  Heinrich Hertz:  Demonstrated cathode rays could penetrate tin foil.  Opened car rental agency before invention of cars.  Wanted to get a "head start."

*  Nikola Tesla:  Investigated X-Rays.  Saw no reason to bring up false charges that they produce Hulks.

*  Wilhelm Rontgen:  Experimented with X-Rays, vacuum tubes, three balls in a metal cylinder, and a test tube of vinegar with baking soda.

*  H.L. Smith:  Formally displayed X-Ray machine on January 18, 1896.  On a dining room table in front of a bowl of fruit.

Looked at his hand.
Because no girl would want anything
to do with some nerd who had X-Ray Specs.
Probably had Sea Monkeys, too.
*   Howard von Braun:  received the patent for X-Ray Specs.  Just before he received one for the Amazing Sea Monkeys. Such a visionary.

NOTE:  Didja notice how most of these guys sounded German?  Yeah, so did I.




"Yeah, but did any of those krauts invent the light bulb?
No?
That's what I thought."
  First seen as a gimmicky novelty, X-Ray machines were used to prescribe footwear.  A prospective customer placed his or her foot beneath the machine which took an X-Ray snapshot of bone alignment.  At that point, the shoe-sheller (one letter away from shoe sMeller.  I know.  Ewwww) offered the customer something which would fit the most comfortably, offer quality support, and cost the most.

 
X-Ray Machines in shoe stores led to
blindness in one eye, blue bows on boys, and
did you see what it did to the kid's frikkin' cat!?
  However, when people starting growing extra toes and their teeth fell out, suspicions arose that maybe the wonder rays  weren't wonderful after all.  So, following Pennsylvania's lead in 1957, each state eventually outlawed their use in shoe stores.

    Lawmakers throughout the land thumped each other on the back as they trumpeted their concern for health and safety.  Whereupon they celebrated by lighting up a carton of Luckys and driving home drunk.

   And thanked their lucky starts they lived in the good ole USA* and not someplace like Kazahkstan.  

   Those people still need to get a handle on their Hulk problem and trying to find a sneaker which would accept seven toes.

*NOTE:  This was before hippies, Vietnam, the British invasion, and Snooki.
   

32 comments:

  1. I'm not overly surprised x-rays would have been used in shoe shops. It's amazing the things they did with plutonium before they went and discovered how dangerous it was. I'm also not too surprised Tesla was involved somehow. He's a scientific badass.

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    1. Like actually putting bits of cocaine in Coke.
      Poor Pepsi.

      Delete
  2. So that's how boobies came to be called "Nice Lungs"!

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  3. They have their place but can sure f you up indeed if you are a hypchondriac and use them too much. Never new they used them on feet though.

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    1. Believe it or not, they did. And doctors starred in commercials that touted the health effects of tobacco.
      And there were ads saying that the Japanese brutalized prisoners on the Bataan Death March.
      Oh. Wait. That one was true.

      Delete
  4. what's a "shoe-sheller"? I am a bit sloshed from my birthday drinks. Were you here too? I didn't see ya Mr P. Left my x-ray glasses upstairs and missed ya'll. Shee ya shoon!

    M

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    1. This comment has been removed by the author.

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    2. It should have said shoe "SELLER." I hate when an extra 'H' sneaks in!

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  5. Seriously, x-rays for shoe salesmen? Weird, wild stuff!

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  6. This post has the distinction of being the most entertaining read concerning X-Ray's ever. Although it would have been second best if Hulk had been made by Gamma and not X-Rays haha.

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    Replies
    1. Who knew that cancer-causing radiation could create such yuks?

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  7. I'm offended. What's wrong with sea monkeys?

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    1. I really hated it when they flung poop at me.
      Oh. Wait. Those were my REGULAR monkeys.

      Delete
  8. Again with the Gary Coleman, Al! But I'm glad you didn't show a picture, especially because he's dead.

    xoRobyn

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    Replies
    1. All I could get was a shot of the outside of the Coleman Cooler.

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  9. They're building a museum dedicated to Tesla and I helped fund it's Indiegogo project. I'm fairly proud of myself.

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    1. In all seriousness, Tesla didn't get the recognition he deserved. You may have seen the statue of him at Niagara Falls.

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  10. I really hate when the dental hygienist sticks those cardboard things in my mouth to take an xray.

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    Replies
    1. And, when you bite down, you get a piece of latex glove.
      Eww.

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  11. in German the name for X-Ray is named after Wilhelm Rontgen

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    Replies
    1. That's pretty interesting. Didn't know that.

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  12. Now this was an interesting post...........learning about the history of the x ray and the shoe thing never heard of that but not all that surprised.....

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    1. The shoe thing was really true, even if it DOES sound like something I'd make up.

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  13. I really don't read history books. But if you wrote one, I'd read it all in one day... On the shitter.

    Hugs!

    Valerie

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    Replies
    1. I used to do that with the Sunday paper.
      But, after my colon fell out, I needed hemorrhoid surgery.
      Believe it or not, it was kinda a funny story.

      Delete
  14. How can I possibly follow Valerie's comment? Very funny! Now back to you... Who would have thought that X-ray machines were originally intended to prescribe shoes? Another entertaining and informative post. I'm still sad about the ambiguous youngster with the creepy cat though.

    Julie

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    Replies
    1. Don't those two skeeve you out, though?

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  15. I think I said this before, but if you were one of my teachers, I might actually have showed up for my class. Last week I had several x-rays taken of my lower back. The doctor then x-plained to me using the x-rays how jacked up my back was. I could a lot more than my spine. I guess I really am full of it!

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