Friday, April 26, 2013

World War I


'W' is for World War I

Don't look now, but this will probably be the most factual of all posts in the A-Z Challenge.  I had to prove I was more than a pretty face, you know.
Clearly, that ship has sailed.
    I'd devoted quite a bit of thought to what would be the subject of my 'W' post.  

    Looking through the great span of human history, I had a lot from which to pick:  William the Conqueror, William of Orange, Prince William, William Tell, William Shakespeare, Wilhelm II, William Shatner, William McKiney, William Wallace, Will Smith, William Randolph Hearst, William Howard Taft, William Tecumseh Sherman, Willie the Groundskeeper, etc.
"Ach, so you no no wanna be
talkin' 'boot Willie, dew ya?
Wee poossy Penwasser mahn!" 

    That's a lot of Bills.

    Nothing really inspired me.  After all, the A-Z Challenge has been a long slog.  I figured you may be ready for a post that has some redeeming value, as educational as that Sea Slug Sex thing was.  

    So, why not play it straight?  And, if I'm going to play it straight, how about choosing the most horrific event of the 20th Century?  So, the following lists my understanding of the causes of the unbelievably stupid World War I, the Great War, the War to End All Wars (yeah, right).

   "Going without a net," so to speak, I've not consulted Google, Wikipedia, Stephen Spielberg, or old man Krantz.  What follows is what I managed to glean from United States History in 1974.   When I wasn't trying to peek down Mary Ellen Sterback's blouse, that is.  I could be inaccurate, a little fuzzy on the facts, or just plain ass wrong.

    All hate mail may be addressed to Stratford High School, North Parade Street, Stratford, Connecticut.

  It's a little complicated.  Just do the best you can to keep up.  There won't be a quiz after:

    The heir to the Austrian throne, Archduke Franz Ferdinand, is shot by a Serbian, Gavrilo Princip, in Sarajevo in 1914.  Austria declares war on Serbia.  Serbia's pal, Russia, declares war on Austria.  Germany,  Austria's BFF, declares war on Russia.  France, looking up from their croissants, declares war on Germany.  The British, hoping they don't get dragged into this whole mess, are pissed when Germany uses Belgium to get to France.  Since Britain is bound to help Belgium, they declare war on Germany.  I can't remember why the Ottoman Empire gets in on things (probably an alliance thing) but they decide to jump ugly with England and France.  Ditto Bulgaria (who don't bring much to the fight except vampires).  Italy pretty much stays out of things until 1915 (suffice to say, Italy isn't really much of a factor here.  They won't get their asses kicked until WWII).   Japan is on the side of the Allies (yeah, how about that?) for some strange reason but they get dissed at Versailles which really ticks them off in the 1930s. The United States manages to watch stay out of things for several years until Germany declares unrestricted submarine warfare in 1917.  This coupled with the Zimmerman telegram, in which Germany promises to help Mexico get Texas if they'd only help Germany, compels the US to declare war on the Kaiser and the boys.
    Things really suck for a lot of years until the Russians quit in 1917 ("Oh sure!  Now you go home!") and the Germans decide to say "Eff it." in 1918.

    The result?  Peace finally restored throughout the world, the United States withdrawing from world affairs ("You frikkin' people are nuts!!"), Italy photo-bombing the picture for WWI's victors, millions of innocent people who would never live to see their grandchildren, and World War II 21 years later.

    Guess we let the genie out of the box in 1914.

    Wow.  That was deep.  

How about a little pointless sexual gratuity?

For the guys


For the ladies

For the William Mraz Fan Club
Hey, that's a 'W'!!

Tomorrow:  X-Rays


25 comments:

  1. Holy GAWD that last pic is disturbing, especially since I had ham for dinner last night.

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    1. I KNOW. The dude's flipping us off. Disturbing, indeed.

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  2. I appreciate the eye candy to sweeten the history lesson. Much appreciated :D

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    1. One can only hope you meant Daniel Craig.

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  3. It really was, much like pretty much every war, very senseless and pointless. It's a real shame that people didn't learn their lesson and even after WWII, still didn't learn it.

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    1. Ya know, I've looked at history and tried to find examples of (to use a cliche) what can be considered a "good" war. While I've found some that could (emphasis on COULD) be justified, I didn't find any which I would consider GOOD. We're a sad, sad species.

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  4. Does that blow-up pig have its eyes closed? I don't blame it, but nothing is going to make the finger feel enjoyable.

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    1. It can enjoy the moment more that way.

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  5. I would have enjoyed history class a lot better in high school if it was taught like this!

    But I have to admit, that last picture was quite disturbing. I can't even imagine what is in the "history" of your computer! LOL!

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    1. Yeah, I think Dad would object to me going through his old photos.
      JUST KIDDING!! JUST KIDDING!!
      Dad liked sheep.

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  6. Yikes.. a history lesson on WAR. I glazed over before I even finished explaining it to myself... just like in school. But wait... there's more. And all so's a weirdo can do a plastic pig. Now that's progress.

    Better than the 10 years of Aussie history I had to endure!

    Almost there Mr P.... you can do it!

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    1. Peace in our time, a chicken in every pot, and a plastic pig on every lap!

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  7. I fact checked it and it seemed to be 98.63% accurate. I think you were describing the Prussian War though.

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  8. A game of dominoes it seems, one goes down and they all join in. Blah any eye candy is quickly scared of by that last one.

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    1. Dominoes with automatic weapons. Yeeesh, I'll play checkers.

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  9. aka World War II: The Prequel

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  10. This is quite a factual post buddy but there's nothing wrong with that. I find it funny they called it the war to end all wars, the last one, honestly it was terrible in itself though, nobody should forget that.

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  11. As someone who's read every WWI book he can get his hands on, nice job. Factual and succinct, though I might have did a little of the bidding war that went on for Italy's services. The only bigger waste was the bidding war for Romania's help. I mean, the army showed up with sticks and pitchforks!

    BTW on the picture of you above- did you get it?

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  12. A bit more serious than your usual, but still entertaining. Many historians are now admitting that there was only one world war in the Twentieth Century and it lasted from 1914 to 1945, because all the seeds of the second war were planted and left unresolved in the first.

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  13. I've always wanted to write a story about some haunted shit going on in the trenches during the war. Trench war was bad enough. With the addition of spooks it would go viral! Maybe even 3D!

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  14. What if they gave a war and nobody showed up.

    "W" is for wanking. Pump the pork.

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  15. Not only did World War I suck in it's own right, if it had never happened, there probably wouldn't have been a World War II because without the terrible conditions in Germany between the two wars, Adolph Hitler probably would have never surfaced. At least that's what Granny told us as kids. I think she was right.

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