'V' is for Vlad the Impaler
Vlad the Impaler
Much scarier than Vlad II
Vlad the Floral Arranger
Werewolves to the Northwest
Week-old bread to the Northeast
Vlad III, Prince of Wallachia (we Americans will probably never know where that is unless we start a war there), was a member of the House of Dracula, but is more commonly known as Vlad Tepes, or "Vlad the Impaler." This pretty much hacked off Chip Tepes, who thought he had that whole impaling racket to himself.
Born in 1431, Vlad died (or did he?) 45 years later at the age of
45 in 1476 (go ahead, do the math).
|Wrong Vlad. |
His reputation for excessive cruelty inspired Bram Stoker to write the classic novel, Dracula (now you know where he got the name) and Hollywood to churn out countless vampire movies in which impaling never was a big player. Just over-acting.
|"Oh, stop your pissing and moaning. |
A little bactine and you'll be fine.
I'm trying to eat here."
Impaling, for those of you who do not know, involves running a pointed stick up through the body, starting at the bunghole. If still alive (I can't imagine anyone would have been, but who knows? Wallachians were probably made of sterner stuff), the human shish-kabobs were stuck in the ground to serve as a warning to others not to mess with Vlad, who had tendency to get real cranky before his first cup of coffee in the morning.
Incidentally, it would work for me.
Be that as it may, Vlad is a national hero in Bulgaria and
Romania (I thought we were talking Wallachia? Geez, those people just can't make up their minds). He fought a series of vicious wars against the Ottomans, thus preserving his peoples' freedoms.
|I don't know. |
They don't look so tough.
Stories that he was a monster began circulating sometime before his death and grew in intensity in the centuries afterward. Many of these tales originated from the Turks (surprise), the Russians, and the Germans (yeah, as if those people had a lot of room to talk).
I suspect though that, while I'm sure they had some basis in fact, most of the hysteria was overblown. Much like the stories of Americans imprisoning Japanese-Americans.
At the very least, the only crime that I can see for which Vlad is guilty is that cheesy, 70's porn star mustache.
And the hat.
Probably get a free bowl of soup with that hat.
Which is much better than a flagpole shoved up your anus.
More than likely.
Depends on the hat.
Noted Bloodsuckers through history:
Sounds spooky to me.
Never saw any fangs, though.
That's more like it.
Was also in Star Wars.
Is dead now.
Or is he?
|State bird of Alabama|
|Face only a mother could love.|
Or certain sects in Southern California.
|I've said too much already|