Thursday, April 25, 2013

Vlad the Impaler


'V' is for Vlad the Impaler
Vlad III
Vlad the Impaler
Much scarier than Vlad II
Vlad the Floral Arranger
Wallachia
Werewolves to the Northwest
Week-old bread to the Northeast
    Vlad III, Prince of Wallachia (we Americans will probably never know where that is unless we start a war there), was a member of the House of Dracula, but is more commonly known as Vlad Tepes, or "Vlad the Impaler."  This pretty much hacked off Chip Tepes, who thought he had that whole impaling racket to himself.

   Born in 1431, Vlad died (or did he?) 45 years later at the age of
Wrong Vlad.
Sorry.
45 in 1476 (go ahead, do the math). 

    His reputation for excessive cruelty inspired Bram Stoker to write the classic novel, Dracula (now you know where he got the name) and Hollywood to churn out countless vampire movies in which impaling never was a big player.  Just over-acting.  

"Oh, stop your pissing and moaning.
A little bactine and you'll be fine.
I'm trying to eat here."
    Impaling, for those of you who do not know, involves running a pointed stick up through the body, starting at the bunghole.  If still alive (I can't imagine anyone would have been, but who knows?  Wallachians were probably made of sterner stuff), the human shish-kabobs were stuck in the ground to serve as a warning to others not to mess with Vlad, who had tendency to get real cranky before his first cup of coffee in the morning.

    Incidentally, it would work for me.

    Be that as it may, Vlad is a national hero in Bulgaria and
I don't know.
They don't look so tough.
Romania (I thought we were talking Wallachia?  Geez, those people just can't make up their minds).  He fought a series of vicious wars against the Ottomans, thus preserving his peoples' freedoms.

    Stories that he was a monster began circulating sometime before his death and grew in intensity in the centuries afterward.  Many of these tales originated from the Turks (surprise), the Russians, and the Germans (yeah, as if those people had a lot of room to talk).

    I suspect though that, while I'm sure they had some basis in fact, most of the hysteria was overblown.  Much like the stories of Americans imprisoning Japanese-Americans.

    Oh...wait.

    At the very least, the only crime that I can see for which Vlad is guilty is that cheesy, 70's porn star mustache.

    And the hat.

    Probably get a free bowl of soup with that hat.

    Which is much better than a flagpole shoved up your anus.

    More than likely.

    Depends on the hat.

Noted Bloodsuckers through history:

Named Bela.
Sounds spooky to me.
Never saw any fangs, though.

Fangs.
That's more like it.
Was also in Star Wars.
Is dead now.
Or is he?

State bird of Alabama

Face only a mother could love.
Or certain sects in Southern California.

I've said too much already





26 comments:

  1. You just had to get in that little joke about the IRS. They'll come for you now. Vlad the Impaler was one of history's most notable badasses. Even if the stories were a little exaggerated, and they probably were, you can't argue that he wasn't someone to mess with.

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  2. Not sure I'd want to mess with the IRS. I hope at least no one got a splinter when he impaled, that would just be overkill.

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    1. Because then it may get infected. And, boy howdy, you'd have a mess on your hands then.

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  3. I can add up to 45, yippeee. And hmm messing with the IRS better watch out, between them and the russians you may need witness protection. Just have to witness something, like Vlad impaling. Of course then you could have a cushy rubber room.

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    1. Russia, the IRS, France, Iran, Kim Jong Un, New jersey, Detroit......is there ANYone I haven't messed with?
      Oh yeah, Canada, whew. Except for those Celine Dion cracks. But, I think you all are okay with those, right?

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  4. Replies
    1. Well, he avoids mirrors. And garlic. So......

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  5. I read a book about Vlad The Impaler once and it was riveting.

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    Replies
    1. Especially if you were on the end of a pointy stick.

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  6. Fun post. I love your historical observations. I've always thought the eagle in the IRS logo looked like a vulture.

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    1. It'd be perfect if it had a dead possum in its beak.

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  7. There has to be some perv out there who would actually enjoy a flag pole up his anus.

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    1. I think you're right. I could go looking for it on the internet, but....I'm afraid I'd find it. And Mrs. Penwasser would find that in my History file.

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  8. I think that Christopher Lee might still be alive Al but don't hold me to that since I'm not 100% sure haha. Vlad the Impaler is definitely a scary sounding name haha, kicks the ass off the whole flower arranger thing.

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    1. By golly, YOU'RE RIGHT! Sloppy journalism on my part. Yeah, like I'M a journalist.

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  9. Once again a tremendous example of your biting satire.

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  10. Had a porn joke right off the bat... but you just don't miss a trick do ya?

    M

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    1. That's what they said about the energetic hooker.

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  11. Best part......Ottomans. I'm still chuckling. Was full blown laughing but the dogs started barking!
    Thanks once again Al for such fun reading.
    I bet you could have your own page in Reader's Digest.
    Titled: "Makin' fun of", with Al Penwasser!

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    1. Thanks! I was so hoping people would get that one.

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  12. How did you get that bat to smile for you? V for Victory, as you've done it again.

    Julie

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  13. Big fan of Vlad! Anyone who invents human stick puppets is ok in my book! I bet he had a blast making them talk in funny voices. I heard he was quite the comedian. The founder of stand up comedy, really.

    Or... Maybe I should have paid more attention to that documentary the other day...

    Hugs!

    Valerie

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  14. Sticking sticks into people that way makes it easier for roasting on a fire later.

    Tasty.

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  15. You may just be getting a visit from an IRS representative. Most likely Vlad the Auditor.

    Impaling isn't all that bad, it's the frigging splinters....

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