Wednesday, April 24, 2013

Underwear


'U' is for Underwear

"He was Pope for what?  A weekend?
I guess I'll be John Paul II then.
So much for my dream of being Stash I."
  As I pondered what topic to choose for the letter 'U,' I looked at my 'U' posts for 2011 and 2012.  Wouldn't you know it, they were both about underwear.  And, even more of a coincidence (do you really believe that?), there were set to poetry.
  So, it occurred to me that I should delve deeper into that which clothes our nether regions.   There's nothing which  compels me to do the same as the previous two years, mind you.  Consider:  there wasn't a Pope John Paul III.  Frankly, I just think Benedict said, "Enough with the Pope having the same name as half of the Beatles.  This crap stops with me!"
  But, I figured, why not?  It's not like 'U' has a lot to offer.  Although it's not nearly as bad as 'X.'
  Anyway, since my theme is History (I hope you've noticed by now), I thought a brief (no pun intended) history of skivvies was called for.
  Chances are this will be pretty long.  So, as Barack Obama said during his inauguration, "Please accept my apologies in advance."
****************************
The cavemen were pissing and moaning and making a fuss
about wearing those bearskins which kept itching their nuts.

"Hey, Zag," complained Thog, "it keep scratching my rear!"
Shrugged Zag, "We must wait for thousands of years."

It's Egypt that gets the credit, you see,
of inventing loincloths to cover mummies.

"Hey, why should the dead get all of the joys?
"How 'bout some cloth for the girls and the "boys?"
Mr. Johnny's 'Summer Orphan Adventure Camp' closed shortly after this picture.
Mr. Johnny unavailable for comment on the advice of his attorney
For thousands of years, this simple version 
would shield the Greeks, the Romans, and Persians.

But, the Greek ladies, wouldn't you know it?
Wore nothing at all and all loved to show it.

The Middle Ages? A "braies" covered man and wench.
How to pronounce it?  Who cares?  It's French.
"Hey, your junk is showing."
"Why, no, it isn't. I'm wearing a 'braies'"
"How do you pronounce that?"
"How the hell would I know?  What do you think I am?  French?"
All that I know is that it didn't cover the bits
or even the place where a dude plops down and sits.

Eventually, a need to cover the banana arose
so they invented the codpiece to make a trouser "nose."
Dogs were sniffing our crotches even then.
The women had their own bit of hell, you see.
Their iron-clad undies made it damn hard to pee.
Chastity Belts
A myth

Like Chastity Bono
Eventually petticoats were all the rage
for ladies like Lisa and a weird dude named Gage.
Petticoat
Slave not included
So they didn't get comfy, their waist, they would force it
into a torture device known as a whalebone corset. 
"Excuse me.  Does this bustle make my butt look big?"
"Uh...isn't that the point?"
The guys had an easier time, so they didn't throw fits.
But, they had to go to war, where their bits were blown to bits.

The wars ended, GIs defeated the Kaiser, the Axis.
Their reward?  Briefs which buttoned for easier access.

Then "boxers," in honor of the fighting game,
replaced by "tighty-whiteys?"  MAN, what a shame!
Sorry for using this again and again, but it still cracks me up.
Meanwhile, the ladies were burning their bras.
The hot, the sexy, and the ones from Oz. 
WOO HOO!
The one in the front with glasses?
Not so much.
Bikini briefs on dudes, those made me sick.
But, put 'em on girls...that's one hot chick.

And now we're near done.  What a relief!
Can I tell you about me and my boxer briefs?
What I wear.
NOTE:  Male model standing in for Al Penwasser
Of course, no one mentioned Marlon Brando.
Who never wore shorts.  He just went commando.
Tighty-Whiteys
I actually think that's worse.
EPILOGUE:  I have no frikkin' clue how Pat Hatt and the cat do this poetry thing every single day!  I am wiped.  Good thing my loincloth lets me sit in comfort.  Just gotta watch out for cavemen. 

47 comments:

  1. Wow you nailed the poetry of underwear, with plenty of pictures to bring forth a scare

    ReplyDelete
  2. Replies
    1. I started to write
      a verse made of thongs.
      But, that wouldn't be right.
      In fact, it'd be wrong.

      Delete
    2. Thongs aren't underwear... they cover nothing and protect from nothing.

      I'd get better coverage from dental floss. :)

      Delete
    3. And no plaque build-up between your cheeks.

      Delete
  3. Amazing post Al. Honestly underwear is close to the bread and butter of life in my opinion, I would have hated a world without underwear so I appreciate that post. Yesterday I was reading how an interviewer asked Robert Downey Junior is he was naked underneath his Iron Man suit and I think that he said that he just wore underwear so that shows the sheer relevance of underwear, love this buddy.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well, naturally.
      Any pee drips would rust his suit.

      Delete
  4. I wonder is a thong chastity belt would work?

    ReplyDelete
  5. I'm really glad corsets went out of style.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Me, too.
      Can you imagine what a teenage boy would go through trying to get one of them off his girlfriend?

      Delete
  6. hahaha another underwear post well spun, as the history is given a run. Glad that one guy has a piece, as that dog may chow down on it if it were fleece.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Underwear
      done three years in a row.
      Wonder if I dare
      give 2014 a go?

      Delete
    2. Oohhh... a rhyming duet - you boys are good! Now Al, say that in those starched skivvies you've been saving for inspection!!

      Delete
  7. But all the people in history only Victoria knew the secret

    and since she didn't really exist she knew how to keep it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think the Queen wore bloomers roomy enough to fit her Prime Minister up there.

      Delete
  8. Have you seen the half thong that's all the rage in Europe? It is disturbing. You must have taken a rhyming class.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. This looks like a job for Google!!!

      Delete
    2. I Googled it. And got a picture of a dude. I am now blind.

      Delete
  9. Did you write this in nothing but your underwear? You did, right?

    ReplyDelete
  10. Nice job with the poetry. Pat and cat will be proud of you!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I hope so. But, it hurt. I swear I don't know how they do it.

      Delete
  11. Hah, I knew you wouldn't mention a thong, you haven't reach that stage yet! I'm hopeful about getting you into a mankini once it's warm enough to dispense with your long johns.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Me in a mankini?
      There MUST be a town ordinance against that.
      Well, at least there should be.

      Delete
  12. The real reason for undies,
    tho' the question be moot,
    Is to muffle the outflow
    When you have to Toot!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Or to...bless your heart.
      To keep it all in
      When a fart is a shart.

      Delete
  13. Really Al?
    I had to stop reading when you blamed Obama for underwear.

    Really the poem was awesome. Needed more ninjas though! LOL

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Golly, you think that woman who flamed your blog will come over here and give ME the business?

      Delete
    2. @Bushman - see, you were able to make that work for you! hahahahaha Pays to get crazies once in a while they're good for an extra mile or two... or a Canadian dollar... depending on what you're selling.

      @Al - you wish!! hahaha

      Delete
  14. that was quite impressive.
    Al, the poet. Who knew?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm more than dirty limericks.
      Not much more.

      Delete
  15. Poetry about undies -
    You've talent galore
    But Gary Coleman again?
    I can take it no more!

    Love ya and the poetry too, though.
    xoRobyn

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I just can't get enough of Gary Coleman in tightey-whiteys.
      No...wait...crap, that didn't sound right.

      Delete
  16. yes, you are a poet
    but there's more, and you know it
    will Mrs.P still like coddling
    when you're too old for modelling...
    those sexy underpants
    which are made by a dude from France.

    Okay...Ralph's from the Bronx, born to Jewish parents originally from Pinsk - but hey, I'm trying to rhyme here... so work with me!

    Gotta love underwear's rich history... and you do expose it for all its wealth! :) :)

    ReplyDelete
  17. Epic poem!! It totally needs a part 2 about farts. No, seriously... I'd do it myself, but I suck a rhyming.

    Hugs!

    Valerie

    ReplyDelete
  18. Stop, Al. Stop! I'm laughing too much. [Sorry. You probably hear that all the time from Mrs. Penwasser.]

    xoRobyn

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Eh, it's no big thing.
      I hear that a lot, too.

      Delete
  19. I read this and thought what the hell does this have to to do with the Titanic then I realised that I was reading the heading of one post and content of another talk about me having a blood moment.....

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. They may have crapped their underwear on the Titanic.

      Delete
  20. You could have filled this with striped and lacy panties.

    Nope, have some codpieces instead. You fiend.

    ReplyDelete
  21. Maybe the "people of walmart" should start wearing undies.. but then I would lose the joy of those 'shart' pics.

    Oh well, lost my brekky anyways with Marlon Brando! Ack!

    Always.
    M

    ReplyDelete
  22. You may not be brief, but no one can fill your shorts!

    Julie

    ReplyDelete