Saturday, April 20, 2013

Russia


'R' is for Russia
A beautiful land with rich ethnic diversity, stunning vistas,
and an invigorating climate which varies from "frikkin' cold" to "cold."
  Russia is the largest country in the world.  With an area that encompasses over 6,000,000 square miles, it sprawls across two continents.  Its vastness has thwarted the armies of Napoleon and Hitler and is matched by the steel of a people determined to resist any and all incursions.

  People have inhabited this land for thousands of years; in fact, one of the first human bones ever discovered, at an age of 35,000 years, was found on the banks of the Don River.

  The name "Russia" derives from the "Rus," a group of early Varangian (Scandinavian vikings) settlers who found a pleasant life amongst the Eastern Slavs.

    In fact....oh, what am I doing??

    Over the course of the past month or so, I've noticed a disturbing trend at Penwasser Place.  
"Nyet!  Please to listen me now.  Penwasser has written post about making with the big bangs and naked statues.  Sure, post about muslim hell and picture Richard Simmons make me piss pants, but he say he eat whale meat in Norway.  Norway, comrade!  Is right around corner here.  Who know where stop? Please to shut him down now!"
    Either before or after I've written a post, I look at the Audience numbers for my blog.  As you all know, the "Stats" selection on Blogger lets us examine who's looking at us from "Now" to "All-Time."

    As I've examined these figures, it always interests me who in the world is paying me a visit.  Not surprisingly, most of my viewers are from the United States.  Until recently, second place has been flip-flopping between the United Kingdom and Canada (that whole "speaking English thing" is probably a help).  Incredibly, there have even been a few hundred visits from France, of all places.

    However, I've noticed that Russia is now firmly in 2nd place ahead of the UK and Canada (#3 and #4, respectively, as of March 29-what, you think I wrote this in late April?).  Even now, during the last week of March when I'm preparing for the A-Z Challenge, there's someone from Russia watching.


Think it's bad now?
Once this becomes an Olympic sport, watch out.
We're so gonna clean your clock.
    I won't bore you with all the data, but my "All-Time" views are:  United States-21,691 and Russia-4184.

    It's a lot like the All-Time Olympics medals total.  

    Since I never get any comments from a Russian reader, I can only conclude that someone over there is watching me.  Why I have no earthly clue.  Maybe they think I know some deeply-held secret (I was in the Navy, after all), but comrade, please.  I couldn't even help you find Moose and Squirrel.


"It only matter of time before Penwasser
give away location, Fearless Leader."
    Maybe they want to have a look at the decadent American culture.  Well...okay...I suppose if American culture is about pulling someone's finger and pictures of Chaz Bono, then guilty as charged.

    In any case, if that's how you want to spend your days, have at it.  It's a free country.  Well, not over there.  I mean here (for now).  However, if you want to get an even better idea of what makes us tick, send me a comment or two.  That way, you can get even more evidence that we're whack.

    Just go right ahead, I'm not a-scared of you!


So you people think you're pretty bad-ass, huh?
Well, we have this!
Uh, oh.
Well, at any rate, we have Batman on our side.


Who's Welsh.
Crap.
Keep reading, tovarisch!


   

34 comments:

  1. Get ready for a comment from Ivan Kickassovich, threatening to infect you with a virus. He might agree to use lube if you publicly beg for mercy.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. If only. All this watching Russian viewers without any comments is nerve-wracking.
      Besides, they don't scare me. Didn't Rocky kick the crap out of a Russian in Rocky IV?

      Delete
  2. If you are lucky they might take you up on thier space shuttle.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. One can only hope. I'll bring the chips and dip.

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  3. Well after McClane went and invaded with such a laughable movie, maybe they are looking for some true competition. I just had a look on mine and they are second for the week at my sea too. All time they are 8th though Bulgaria and Romania seem to like me more than the Russians.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I've often wondered if they've blundered
      into my place. Now yours?
      Well, probably better than anything they could get on TV.

      Delete
  4. Are you sure you're not hiding Moose and Squirrel? The photo of the bicycle was pretty scary! I love where you went with this Al, and I know you'll be ready when "The Russians Are Coming..." BTW, Thanks for the blog on my blog. It was one of your best ever!

    Julie

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Those dudes give me the creeps. I wish someone would comment.
      BTW, I may write a post (next month) that was inspired by that comment. It was fun.

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    2. This comment has been removed by the author.

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    3. This comment has been removed by the author.

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    4. Sorry about that. I think it's a great idea for a story, and the Russians will love it too. FYI, It was illegal to perform this act in Russia after WWII, so my husband's aunt took her son out of the country to have it done. Though he was around 8 at the time, he never held a grudge.

      Julie

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  5. SHHHH!!!!!!!!!! There's a Russian on my site now.
    I love those guys. They have the coolest hats. And the women...? Forget about it!!!

    ReplyDelete
  6. I'm going to go look at my blog stats now. It's not the Russian men, but the women, who scare me.

    Thanks for the laughs, and especially for sharing the dialogue in that first photo.

    xoRobyn

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Russian women could beat the batcrap out of me.

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  7. I had someone visit yummy stuff from a Russian porn site. Not sure why they had a link to me from there. Maybe for the food porn people.
    I loved the movie "Moscow on the Hudson". Also, did you know that they have huge boars over there and people have brought them over here and they got out and that is possibly where hogzilla and other huge free roaming hogs have origins?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I know. Spend an evening with a Russian grandfather and you'll be bored to death. Oh. you meant 'boars'? Never mind.

      Delete
  8. That's where all the anonymous spam comments come from, my friend. Now if you post a picture of Silver Convention, you can boost your German total. Don't ask me why, but they love Silver Convention.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You mean those porn webcam ads aren't legit?

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  9. I see my comrades have found zer vay to ur blog - ha ha - vie laugh in za face ov dancha (ja, you shpell it danger) - und I vill be sending mine German friends too... ha ha... vie vill rule ziss blogging vorld - ha ha ha (be frightened, be vehry, vehry frightened)

    Sorry Al, they got to me first and I sold us out! I couldn't take it Al... I'm just one Canadian, a girl no less, really what was I supposed to do... they took my hammer - I just caved.

    I've so gotta get a day job - this A-Z is making me... how shall I say... CRAZY! (Bushman said I could borrow his "R" word... it's true, go ask him) Okay... "they" made me say that - "they're" everywhere Al, everywhere, even at Ruth's... lucky girl, she got the "dancers"!

    Yup... there's something in the water... that's my excuse and I'm sticking to it! :P :P :P

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm even afraid to have Russian dressing for my salad. Is kooky, no?

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    2. Ja - you be a kooky monster! :P

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  10. Replies
    1. If so, it must really be slow around headquarters.

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  11. I think the Russians are fascinated by your off-color American humor. Either that, or they're thinking about recruiting you for some undercover spy mission.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. "Please to make take picture Hollywood starlet. Or Chaz Bono. Is great success."

      Delete
  12. gotta watch out for Boris and Natasha...

    hope they reply

    Happy A to zing

    ReplyDelete
  13. Russia gave us vodka and fluffy hats. I've got no beef with them... Or... That could be the vodka talking
    .

    OMG... Brainwashing vodka!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

    Hugs!

    Valerie

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  14. Ok I have now had a good laugh that was the purpose of the post right if not then there is something wrong with me........oh well all good.......and if not good then don't tell me I don't want to know.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh no, that was the purpose.
      And to relate my admiration for the Russians, who are a great people.
      Just keep nodding your head and agreeing with me.

      Delete
  15. uh oh.. do svidanya tovarisch. Nice knowing you ....hehehe

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. If I disappear from Blogger for awhile, please contact my State Department.

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  16. I got nothing on Russia... Wait a minute, yes I do! We were in Tokyo a while back and my wife's cousin was raving about this Russian restaurant he'd found. It ended up being on the top floor of a skyscraper. As luck would have it there was a big earthquake while we were up there. The swaying of that tall building was terrifying, but the thing I remember most from that day is how silly the little Japanese waitresses looked in traditional Russian folk outfits.

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