Friday, April 19, 2013

Quakers



'Q' is for Quakers

    Quakers, more formally known as the Society of Friends, draws its roots back to mid-century England.  

Society of Super Friends
"Hey, I'm not picking up after that dog."
"Give it to Aquaman.  It'll give him something to do.
Besides, it'll get him outside.  Seriously, dude smells like fish."
    Following the English Civil War, a variety of groups rose in opposition to the Church of England (also known as Anglican, Episcopalian, or Catholic Lite in the United States).  Among them were the Quakers, so named because one of their first leaders, George Fox, accused non-believers of trembling when faced with the word of the Lord. 
"Quaking.  Get it?"
    Ridicule soon followed Fox and his fellow believers, but they took it with grace and charm.  Until the final straw when they didn't get an invitation to a Tupperware party hosted by Charles II.  Deciding they would be happier in the New World,  they visited Ye Olde Travel Agency and Bloodletting Emporium.

    Figuring they would find common cause with the Puritans, who likewise fled England for religious freedom,  they set sail for New England.  The new colony in Jamestown, Virginia, was a consideration, but the men were concerned that the extreme humidity would play "heck" with their wigs.  Plus, there were a lot of mosquitoes and the Powhatan Indians were real cranky.

    Surprisingly, the Puritans decided that religious
"They took the recipe for oatmeal,
cinnamon,  and raisins with them!!"
freedom applied to themselves only.  Everyone else, including the Quakers, could go scratch.

    So, the Quakers found a home in Rhode Island, after the realtor agreed to waive the closing costs and bring the outdoor privy up to code.  

"What the...?
Hey, FU, Penwasser!!"

    Under the guidance of William Penn, the Quakers also found a home in Pennsylvania's Delaware Valley in 1682.  Dealing with the local Native American tribe, the Delaware (Al's Helpful History: why it's called the Delaware Valley.  You're welcome), Penn was a rarity among white men:  he didn't screw the Indians.  Inspired by his fair manner, the Delaware chief, Tammany, signed Penn's Treaty  with the soft-spoken Quaker (not before making fun of his wig and hat, though).  And, unlike Miley Cyrus, this treaty has never been violated.   

   
"When this is over, they said we can go to
something called a 'plantation.'
I don't know about you,
but it sounds pretty sweet to me."
Although, I suspect some monkey business was conducted.  Tammany agreed to give the white man all the land they could realize by walking in a day (known as the "Walking Purchase").  This sounded like a good idea, until the Quaker negotiators (the Gambinos from Jersey) called up a couple Ethiopians who sprinted for the entire day. 

"Really had heart set on fat guy
who invent oatmeal, instead."
   
    I don't think William Penn had anything to do with it, though, because he was trying to negotiate an Indian casino on the Delaware River (sadly, all parties couldn't come to terms so the contract went to those show-off Mohegans in Connecticut).

"Hey, we wear plain dress, don't drink,
and don't go in the Army, either.
But, you think we could get to drive?
What the eff is up with that?"

    Early Quakers used the word "thee" a lot ("No, eff thee, Pilgrim asshat!"), refused to participate in war (although they have served as medical personnel), believed in plain dress (NOTE:  Elton John.  NOT a Quaker), condemned slavery (okay, I'll give them that one), didn't trust miniature golf, despised disco (that's good, too), thought the Amish were "whack," would not swear oaths ("Swear to God...oooops!!"), thought electricity was the "Devil's Tingly Fingers," and were teetotalers (Bonus!  Instant Designated Divers!).

    I tried looking up their modern beliefs, but it was too much work.  So, let's just go with these.
Quaker Steak and Lube.
Apparently, some Quakers
aren't teetotalers.

   Most Quakers (89%.  Thanks, Wikipedia!) follow a traditional kind of service, called "Programmed Worship."  Remarkably similar to most other religions, this type of worship includes a pastor, Bible readings, and a structured orthodoxy.  Unfortunately, they're don't offer Bingo or Casino Nights because I'm almost positive they're not all that crazy about gambling.  Plus, those snooty Catholics have cornered the market.

    A minority of Quakers (11%.  Don't need no stinking Wikipedia to do the math) opt for what's known as "Waiting Worship."  Not following a pre-planned sequence of events, "Waiting Worship" is held mostly in silence as each member of the congregation waits for someone to speak up about...something.  This results in spontaneous professions of faith or, usually, Knock-Knock jokes.

     Because, really, who can concentrate when those gosh-darn Catholics sound like they're having so much fun over at the Knights of Columbus Hall?
"Quaker Oats.  That's right.
More than those stuck-up Puritans can claim.
Of course, we had Nixon."

"You're damn right!
Oops, not supposed to swear.
Shit."








    

33 comments:

  1. Glad to see Wonder Woman among them!

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    Replies
    1. I think Superman had the hots for her.

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  2. I have friends who are Quakers, and even they don't know what the hell it means, except they use it as a convenient excuse to not ever have their kids sign up for the draft, if there ever is one again.

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    1. Wish we could all use that excuse.
      Seriously, I kinda hope we do reinstitute the draft. But, with NO deferments for rich kids (or women-sorry). That way, maybe the weasels in Congress will be a little more reluctant to authorize military action in some shithole before they send someone else's kid to get their legs blown off.

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  3. I'm actually kinda happy to learn more about the Quakers. I only really knew the oats and for a brief second I considered you had actually written a post about oats.

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    1. I'm kinda goofy that way. I think I fooled some people with my "Garfield" post. Now, oatmeal.

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  4. A walking deal, damn that may never work today, as the larger they grow the less they'd walk and the less they'd get. Then again, thee may be on to something, good one thee.

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    1. While I quite often put jive in these posts, there actually was a "Walking Purchase." And people DID run it. Screwing the natives-an American tradition.

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  5. "They took the recipe for oatmeal, cinnamon, and raisins with them!!" Classic. :)

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    1. And now you know why the Puritans disappeared. Or became Congregationalists, Methodists, or whatever they became. You're from up that way. What are they now?

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  6. Quaker Oats does sound better than Puritan Porridge.

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    1. But, a free witch came with every 10th purchase of Puritan Porridge.

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  7. Yeah, those gosh darn Catholics ruin everything!

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  8. Quaking in my knickers with laughter... trying not to lose my oats! hahaha


    Jenny @ PEARSON REPORT

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    1. Better than sowing your oats, I suppose.

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  9. Don't forget Grace Kelly as a Quaker in High Noon. I always want her to shut up and let Gary Cooper get rid of those bad guys.

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    1. And now she's dead, so there.
      Wait. That doesn't make any sense.
      But, she's still dead.
      Then again, so's he.

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  10. The plantation. Classic. Like the dog from the Larson comic who thinks he is going to get "tutored"

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    1. Funny you should say that. I was channeling my inner Larson when I did that (The Method Behind the Madness: I take some inspiration from those Far Side cartoons. Very rarely do I NOT laugh out loud when I read them).

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  11. You're hilarious!!!
    There's a Quaker church just down the road from me. Not sure if anyone goes to it. They're probably still waiting for someone to just show up and start the show.

    If I'm correct in stating that Chief Tammany is Moses Tunda Tatamay, Chief of the Delaware Indians. Hence, Tatamy, PA...just outside Nazareth Borough and Easton.

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    1. There's also a Quaker church near me in Quakertown (heyyyyyyyy!!!! I just got it!!!!!!). Very rarely do I see anyone there, either. Although it's next to a cemetery. So.....
      Quakertown [shakes heads]. I can be so clueless sometimes.....

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    2. Oh, one other thing. I could look it up, but I'm lazy (commentary: how frikkin' lazy do you have to be in this age of Google??). Was Tammany Hall in New York named after Chief Tammany?

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    3. *shakes head
      I only have one head. Well, that the general public sees, anyways.

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  12. I have a strange, sudden urge for oatmeal now.

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    1. I had pancakes this morning. Wonder what religion that's from?

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  13. "Jamestown, Virginia was a consideration, but the men were afraid that the extreme humidity would 'play heck' with their wigs." Were you rolling in the oats when you wrote this?! Ditto what Jenny said!

    Julie

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    1. More like Oats Lite.
      Less filling.
      And tastes great.

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  14. You are crazy my friend! Crazy and funny as can be!

    I always liked cream of wheat...

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