Friday, April 12, 2013

Kublai Khan



NOTE:  Today's post is a repeat from the 2011 Challenge.  Besides still making me giggle, it lets me fling around old stereotypes like a moldy Won-Ton (see?  just did one there).  For which I should be ashamed.  But, what do you expect from a round-eye white devil?

'K' is for Kublai Khan

"Okay, #10 with duck sauce
and spring roll,
pint of steamed rice,
burn your village.
Ten minute."
  Today's post is about one of the great despoilers of the Western World and-surprise!-he's not an American.

  I can’t promise that everything I write will be the complete truth.  Indeed, it may compel you to actually do a little research on your own.  Yeah, right, like that’s gonna happen.  American Idol’s on.

  Kublai Khan was the founder of the Mongol Dynasty.  You know, those whacky guys who rode in from East Jesus to terrorize hapless peasants.  So, instead of arranging chicken bones into the image of a saint or dying from the Black Plague, the serfs of Pre-Renaissance  Europe ran screaming through the mud like medieval Justin Bieber groupies just to keep their heads on their shoulders.

  Kublai (not to be confused with “Kublai, Fran, and Ollie,” a popular Chinese children’s puppet troupe) grew up in East Asia sometime in the late 13th century, what historians call "a long effin' time ago."

  Grandson of the great Genghis Khan (of the Lake Baikal Khans), young Kublai had historic shoes to fill (literally. Genghis’ yak footwear, passed down from generation to generation).  At first, Kublai sought the life of a businessman when he opened a chain of restaurants on the Asian steppes.  Unfortunately, the huge popularity of “General Tso’s Chicken” eclipsed his own “Kublai’s Kippers” and he was forced into a life of conquest. 

  Smarting from his culinary comeuppance, Kublai swore revenge on his Chinese rivals.  Making an end-around the Great Wall of China via the Not-So-Great Picket Fence of China, he established his headquarters in what is now known as Beijing (although the Mongols called it something Mongolian.  Duh.).
  
Godzilla and a pussy monster
who would only scare overcoats.
Much less Mongols.
  From the relative luxury of his capital (NOTE: Still without indoor toilets), he oversaw a vast kingdom which stretched from the east coast of Asia through Europe and into the smarty-pants Islamic world.  His only major setback was his invasion of Japan.  The crafty Japanese used their secret weapons of dinosaurs and sex robots to thwart the horseback invaders, who, incredibly, failed to realize their horses couldn’t swim in the Sea of Japan.
Polo was intrigued by Chinese handcuffs
and used them to help his father, Water,
break a nosepicking habit.


  Later in his reign, the great Khan was visited by Marco Polo, inventor of the swimming pool game.  The Italian merchant was awed by the beauty of the great khanate, the jeweled riches he beheld, and exotic spices sure to kill that smell from the Venetian canals.

  Likewise, Kublai was fascinated by these pungent visitors from lands he had just raped and pillaged.  Still, he was amazed that they had the audacity to show up without calling first.  Or having the decency to bring at least a bundt cake.

  In an effort to better know people he would eventually behead, he urged Marco to send back as many learned men and clerics he could find so that he might learn more of the European people and a religion which flayed the skin off non-believers (which, basically, was right up Kublai’s alley).

  With a smile on his face (and dozens of fortune cookies on the back of his camel), Marco returned home to Venice where he was soon arrested for doing...something (memory fails).  While in jail, when not fending off prison rape, he wrote a book about his visit, “How I Did It.” (which, coincidentally, was used by OJ more than 700 years later).

  Marco’s Jailhouse Journal was the catalyst for the insatiable European desire for more of what China and India offered.  It spurred Portuguese exploration around the southern tip of Africa so they could avoid having to deal with those showoffs in Genoa and Venice.  It even drove Christopher Columbus in his voyages of exploration.  However, he read Polo’s book backward and, so, went in a completely different direction (this will be the subject of a later post, “What The Frig You Mean This Isn’t China?”). 

  Sadly, Kublai Khan died of a cold he caught while waiting for the priests Marco Polo had promised.  Apparently, he failed to put on a coat and didn’t have the sense to wear his slippers around the palace.  (NOTE: I’m more than likely wrong here).  He also didn’t realize that Italy wasn’t just around the corner.

  So, what legacy did he leave the world?  Well, his masterful guidance of the Mongol horde brought death and destruction to much of the known world and played a great part in the persistence of feudalism and continued crankiness in Russia.  Wait, that’s not it.

  No, I got it.

  His leadership of ferocious invaders whose torching of Europe through over one hundred years inspired a favorite among diners throughout much of the world:

  Mongolian Barbecue.


"Wait...!  Which one chicken and which one pork?"
"Seriously?  Who care?  All cocker spaniel." 
And now you know.

Or maybe you don't.

Better look it up to be sure.  

30 comments:

  1. Slippers are a big factor, you may not be wrong. Sorry I have nothing better, I have to go watch American Idol.

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    Replies
    1. Never underestimate the power of comfortable footwear.

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  2. Well to be fair to Americans, he was around before them. It's kind of hard to be the scourge of the world when you technically don't exist although us Brits might have been up to a fair bit around that time.

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    1. True. If it was 700 years later, we probably would have invaded.

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  3. Poor guy was a jailbird, lost all his horse in the sea and had no indoor toilets, maybe the cold was all a hoax and he off-ed himself for a better life?

    American Idol though, blah, rather watch you on the toilet, hmmm that sounds wrong.

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    Replies
    1. And I don't think pants with zippers were invented yet.

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    2. Their pants probably had so many holes they didn't need zippers.

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  4. Dang, they moved up to cocker spaniel? I always thought it was Siamese cat.

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  5. I had always heard lots about Genghis but not Kublai Khan so this post is pretty educational, cocker spaniels cooked is a sick thought haha but it's done in some countries even today so it's all good I guess, good one Al!

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    Replies
    1. Isn't that always the case? The kids never share the limelight. For instance, you never hear ANYthing about Jimmy Mussolini.

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  6. I think you're accusing him of stuff his grandpa did, but I suppose he deserves to share the blame. The Klingons in the original Star Trek series were based on Kublai Khan. In later series, the Klingons developed funny heads with receding hairlines.

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    Replies
    1. You know, I knew that about the Klingons. And that is way scary.

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  7. Those picket fences never keep rapists and pillagers out.

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  8. I am forever grateful to Marco Polo for inventing that swimming pool game!

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    Replies
    1. At first they used horses, but they all kept drowning.
      You'd think they would have learned something after Kublai planned that invasion of Japan.

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  9. I remember him most for the failed invasion of Japan. First epic fail in history?

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    Replies
    1. Maybe. Although getting tossed out of the Garden of Eden may be a close second. Walking around a garden, with a naked chick, just had to have been a sweet deal. And I wouldn't have cared if she had one of my ribs.

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  10. C'mon, who you trying to fool; horses swim across the Sea of Japan all the time. Everyone knows that, except horses...and Mongols.

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  11. The hadn't learned the ancient Chinese secret yet.

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  12. Brilliant! I am learning so much about history here! :)

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    1. I was wondering....did you read my 'G' post? Made a crack at the USPS and mentioned you by name (but I didn't poke fun at YOU). Sorry.

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  13. Was that a tomato worm adult attacking Godzirra?

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    Replies
    1. Sadly, it was Mothra. Much less deadly than a tomato worm

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  14. Are you sure he wasn't in Kublai, Fran and Ollie? It's good to know that Marco Polo was famous for "inventing that water game," and that his father's name was in fact "Water." Great picking resistant invention also. Glad you reposted this Al. Since you didn't display special Note signs at these passages, I'll assume they're 100% correct! P.S. Weren't Hardrock, Cocoa, and Snow also on the Kublai (Kukla), Fran and Ollie show?

    Julie

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    Replies
    1. Yep. But Hardrock opened up a chain of restaurants, Cocoa became a pole dancer, and Snow masterminded a cocaine smuggling ring.
      Probably still better than beheading Polish peasants.

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  15. Well I'd be cranky too living in a stinky yak tent in the middle of the frozen tundra with no electric blanky and where the pizza is always cold when it gets there. Not to mention the fact that they are making a new "Dallas" when you haven't even finished watching the old "Dallas" and the genie guy is just getting uglier by the episode!!!

    Yeh, it's no wonder poor old Kuby needed a hobby.

    Keep 'em coming Mr P.

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  16. And the genie guy is dead.
    What a world.

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