Thursday, April 11, 2013


'J' is For Janus
"You suck!"
"No, you suck!"
    January is the first month of the year, in accordance with the Julian and Gregorian calendars.  These were named after Julius Caesar and one of the popes.  I'm going out on a limb here and say he was Pope Gregory.  Something.  What does it matter, though?  There were a lot of them and they're all as dead as Caesar.  Except the Gregory still in Rome who had to sit at the kids' table for Easter dinner because Francis is such a stuck-up pain in the ass.  Well, what do you expect from a dude with a chick's name?

    NOTE:  I realize that Francis is the masculine form of Frances.  But, the mere fact that there is a feminine form...well...

    We're using the Gregorian Calendar at this time in...uh...time.  I could look up when we started using it, but who really cares?  I know when Christmas, Canadian Thanksgiving, and Opening Day are, so I'm good.

    January has 31 days and is the coldest day of the year (in the Northern Hemisphere!  I know that July is the coldest in Australia, New Zealand, and in places I don't care about).
"What?  You mean we're all named after Greek gods?"
"Ain't that some shit?"
"Shoulda kept the Hades name, though."
"Yeah, imagine being named after Mickey Mouse's dog and an ex-planet."
     January is named after the Roman god, Janus.  Janus was known as the god of transitions, gates, passages, and doorways.  Apparently, Janus was out for a smoke when they were handing out the cool god names, like WarUnderworld,  the Sea, and even Messenger, for Jupiter's sake.

"It's pronounced YooRAHnus.
    His Latin name became Ianua after his original name, Ianus, was
changed after all the boys in school made fun of him.  Once he was no longer the object of their derision, the little scamps turned their ridicule on Uranus.

    For simplicity's sake, though, we'll stick with Janus.  Unfortunately, he was not assigned a flamen or specialized priest because there were none available, especially after the supply of cheap Mexican labor dried up.

Omigod, omigod, omigod!!"
    To make up for it, he was given a "flamein'" and a coupon for 10% off at the Pompeii House of Pancakes.

    Janus became known as two-faced, especially after he started talking behind Venus' back, saying she had wayyyy bigger boobs than that hunter chick, Diana.  Who burped in public and never shaved her legs.

"Heads, war with Parthia.
Tails, orgy.
Orgy it is."
  Taking advantage of this, the Romans turned to Janus during times of war and peace.  When war was declared, they left the doors to his temple open (which made it a real bitch for him to get a little privacy).  When peace broke out, they closed his doors.

    Eventually, though, the Christians started getting tired of being chewtoys for lions and took the whole shebang over.  The old gods were eventually supplanted by the one the Catholics brought.  Along with his dad and a bird.

    Sadly, being two-faced ceased being in vogue.

    Until Hollywood.

Wrong Two-Face.
Plus, you're kinda icky.
    Let the party begin!

    Just don't forget to shut the door.


  1. Aaron Eckhart was actually severely burned for that role. He really wanted to get into character.

    God of Passages does not sound cool.

    1. I know. Talk about a sucky name, huh?
      I didn't know that about Aaron Eckhart. Going the whole Michael Jackson route, was he?
      Without the pedophilia and being dead part, of course.

  2. I'm playing around a little with the idea of Janus for a short story I'm "working" on (It's all still in my head as nebulous ideas that I haven't fit together yet). I don't think Janus will actually make an appearance but if he does, I won't make him icky like Two-Face ;)

    1. That sounds like it would be a cool story. Minus the "ick," of course.

  3. January is the "meh" of months isn't it? :)

    1. At least February has the decency to be only 28 (or 29) days.

  4. Blogger is shunning you, never saw you in my blogroll today, hmph!

    I guess Janus has smited you today for telling his boob prattle haha

    1. Hmmm....that is odd. I wonder why that is...?

  5. Have you ever seen the pictures of the world's oldest Janus cat? Kinda freaky looking but he's happy and well loved.

  6. I have a niece Francis. My sister thought that was how her husband said his mother's name was spelled so that is why she spelled it that way. Of course afterwards, he said he never said that.
    Very good post.

    1. The way I remember how to keep track:
      Francis ends with "is," so it's "hIS."
      Frances ends with "es," so it's "hErS."
      Or I just don't give my kids names which are so frikkin' easy to eff up.

  7. I love the Pompeii House of Pancake. I love making my pancakes drown under a thick warm coat of molten syrup.

    See what I did there?



    1. Or French Toast.
      Which are like pancakes. Except with breadcrusts. And many more eggs. And water. Or milk. Plus, they're gooey.
      Okay, they're really nothing like pancakes.
      Except they use maple syrup.

  8. Al, where do I begin… before I peed my pants or after I dried off.

    And… what’s with that word peed - what happened to the extra “e” - shouldn’t it be peeed - really it was one long pee.

    Enough about urination when we have Uranus to talk about.

    (Janus made me write this… through blurred vision what the hell do I know about anything… I’m laughing so hard I think I fractured a rib - my good rib - the one I got from Adam!)

    I gotta stop before my glass eye pops out! Or some skin peels off my face and I go all Eckhart or Jackson - minus the dying that is.

    Al - you’ve topped even yourself with this post! Thanks bud!


    1. Dry pants are always the key. Less chafing.
      So, I guess you can keep your eye out for the next post.

  9. I'm with Jenny only my pants are dry for now, and I don't have a glass eye. I had a lazy eye as a kid if that helps. Another classic at Penwasser Place!


  10. Yeh I just hate it when they leave my temple doors open too. How is a Greek Goddess to get any rest? I ask you?

    Go team Penwasser!