'H' is for Hell
The idea of eternal punishment and torture has been with us ever since we first came down from the trees, took a look around, and bashed the other guy's brains in with a coconut.
After early man discovered he could harness fire, drive dumbass mammoths over a cliff, and sharpen sticks so they could jump ugly with saber-tooth tigers, he then had time to ponder if there was life after this one.
|"That spear in loincloth or just happy see me? |
If nothing else, there had to be someplace to put those damn Neanderthals from the other side of the valley.
So, the slow evolution of damnation took form.
|Yahweh originally wanted to cast sinners |
into the front row of every concert she has ever done.
Then, decided eternal fire would be more merciful.
But, bowing to pressure from people such as the Assyrians, Philistines, and Rotarians, they developed the idea of Gehanna. Gehanna wasn't exactly hell, at least of the fire and brimstone type, but it was a place where people were judged on their past life. Later on, it became a sort of Purgatory (so, that's where the nuns got the idea!). A sort of "Heavens Waiting Room," souls had to do a little time before they got to Paradise.
|Household trash to the left, |
food garbage to the right,
your eternal soul right up the center.
Christianity: It was with Christianity that the commonly accepted version of "Hell" really gained traction. As with much of its doctrine, it looked to the Old Testament for guidance (but never giving credit to the Jews). From this book, they described Hell as a form of Gehenna.
You know, a few throw pillows, some paint,
and a nice rug, this wouldn't be so bad.
I don't care what anyone says.
This looks like hell.
|"We've got Prince. |
You'd want non-existence too, ya know."
|They even give you a sign.|
Well, isn't that downright neighborly?
Islam: Not surprisingly, Muslims believe in an afterlife that offers excruciating pain to murderers, rapists, and women who drive. To them Jahannam is a terribly fiery place with several levels of punishment ranging from a scorching inferno to an eternity spent under a heat lamp at Wendy's. But, surprisingly, they also have one level that is brutally cold and is filled with blizzards, ice, snow, and my first wife.
Buddhism/Hinduism: I had trouble figuring out what they believe. But, I think it had something to do with cows, ladies with a lot of arms, and being reincarnated as Honey Boo Boo.
Jainism: WTF is Jainism??
|Hey, we got naked chicks in the woods.|
Who needs Hell?
Wiccan: There is no such thing as Hell in the Wiccan faith since they largely don't believe in the concept of reward or punishment. But, they DO know, if a tree falls in the woods, whether it makes a sound.
|Traditional version of Hell.|
Between you or me,
having some giant unclog his nose on me
for eternity would be hell.
|Republican Version of Hell|
President Hillary Rodham Clinton
Whether a sincerely held religious belief or figment of an overly paranoid imagination, it can't hurt to lead a good life now just so you don't suffer later on.
Just to be on the safe side, though, you may also want to wipe your feet.