Monday, April 8, 2013

Garfield


'G' is for Garfield

Reference:  Who's Who-Republican Presidents (companion to Horton Hears a Who's Who-Guide to Republican Vice-Presidents, starring Dan Quayle)

"Well, doesn't that frikkin' figure?
I survive the GD Civil War,
only to be shot by some nut looking for a job."
James Abram Garfield
Born:  November 9, 1831
Died:  September 19, 1881

20th President of the United States, from March 5, 1881-September 19, 1881 (get the connection?)

Last Words:  "Shoulda ducked."

Historical estimation:  Not as good as Lincoln, but not as sucky as Carter.  Bottom line, he was no Van Buren.

Facts about James A. Garfield which normal people don't know:

10.  He was a southpaw and was drafted by the New York Yankees 
"I don't know.
Ya think we can still
get that Noodles Hahn kid?"
as such.  Until they realized he was dead.

9.  He was the last of the Log Cabin Presidents.  Which either meant he was born in a log cabin or was gay.  Not that there's anything wrong with that.  Either one.

8.  His was the first mother to attend the inauguration.  She heard that Robert Wagner and Wayne Rogers were going to be there.

7.   1881 is notable in that the United States had three presidents:  Rutherford B. Hayes ("You might want to give the guy a job, Jim."),  Garfield ("Should have read his resume more closely."), and Chester Arthur ("You're hired!").

6.  He was a preacher.  Swear to God.

5.  Campaigned in German.  Well, so did Hitler and you saw how that turned out (NOTE:  For those of my followers who thought that was in poor taste, it was.  Sorry).
"That Garfield seems like a real 
down-to-earth fellow, for an English."
"Well, screw him.  I like trapezoids."


4.  He liked triangles.  Thus completely disregarding the crucial quadrilateral demographic.

3.  He juggled Indian Clubs.  Which was usually a turn-on for the ladies.  Depending on the Indian. 

2.  He was uniquely elected in that he was a Congressman, Senator, and President-elect all at the same time.  Frankly, this one is too confusing to figure out how that could be.  So, I'll just go to #1.


"Oh, come on!  First Lincoln, now me!
This presidency thing sucks."
1.  He was the second president to be assassinated in United States history.  Shot down in Washington, DC by Charles Guiteau.  Historians are divided over what motivated the madman.  Some say that he was a disgruntled job-seeker who desperately wanted to work for the United States Postal Service (Juli:  if you're reading this, I apologize.  That was in poor taste, as well).  Others claimed that he was hacked off because the cherry blossoms weren't still in bloom.
Little wonder they had trouble.
Garfield's nose kept lighting up.

    Few people know that the inventor, Alexander Graham Bell, lent his assistance to trying to find the bullet which had lodged in Garfield's spine.  However, the invention used to help locate the slug malfunctioned, probably due to interference from the metal bed frame.  Or the fact that a telephone doesn't make for a very good X-Ray machine.
    
    Sadly, all the mucking around with unsterile instruments (you'd think those idiots would have learned something from the Civil War) led to blood poisoning which resulted in the death of the president.
    
    And accession of Chester A. Arthur and his whiskers as the 21st President of the United States.
"You want a job?  You got a job!"
    James A. Garfield:  President, answer to a trivia question, inspiration for a cartoon cat. 

Be honest.
This is who you thinking about the whole time, wasn't it?

50 comments:

  1. Honestly that cat was the first thing to spring to mind, maybe that is where going postal came from too, if the claims is right.

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    Replies
    1. Too many cats in those mailboxes would tend to do that.

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  2. Damn, people were goin' postal way back in the 1880's hey?

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    Replies
    1. They got wicked hacked off when their letters weren't delivered within a month.

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  3. I found it refreshing to read about an American President I never heard of before. Although Chester A Arthur was another one of those until that Die Hard movie.

    Anyway, you were right, I WAS thinking of the pussy cat Garfield- who, in my opinion, would have made a great President - at least he would be an honest president as long as those thought bubbles followed him every where he went.

    Another great post Mr P

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    Replies
    1. We got a bunch of them you wouldn't have heard of. Franklin Piecre, Millard Fillmore, Zachary taylor, William Henry Harrison come to mind.

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  4. I assumed by the title of this post that you were writing about Garfield the cat. Obviously.

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    Replies
    1. Most people thought that. Just trying to keep it fresh here at PP.

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  5. I loved this. You have a new follower.
    Dropping in from A to Z Challenge. It's my first year participating.

    Brett Minor
    Transformed Nonconformist

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    Replies
    1. It's kinda fun meeting new folks, huh?

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  6. Going postal even on the higher ups, never trust a postman. Unless it's Costner as he dances with wolves. Thought of garfield too, the cat, he was prob born in the woods too.

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    Replies
    1. Dances With Lasagna.
      Has a nice ring to it.

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  7. I was thinking about Garfield the cat at first. I think it's kind of remarkable he only lasted a few months. Someone must have either really hated him, or wanted something really badly.

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  8. on a sidenote you should check out the comic series Garfield minus Garfield

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    Replies
    1. Is that the name of it? Or is it Garfield with no cat?

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  9. A very informative post. I learned some new things. Also done with some of your best humor. (I first wrote homer. I must be thinking baseball.)

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    Replies
    1. Believe it or not, most of it's true.

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  10. I forget, was Odie James A Garfield's dog name?

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    Replies
    1. I think it was 'Chester.' Until he became 'Mr. President.'

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  11. Like I've said before, my early morning visits here are bound to sharpen me up...it's all been downhill since I took a "pause-from-men"...yup, the curse we woman iz a-blessed with just ne'er be a-endin' - thanks be the gods we'z'a got us some strong gin...

    American history is so fascinating- eh, Al...you done good, got your facts right on! (I googled to make sure) :P

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Gin always helps.
      Don't be surprised if somewhere along the way, some of my facts are wrong. I'm mostly winging these things (I DID Google those facts about garfield, though).

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  12. Replies
    1. So far, NObody has thought of the president. Who, apparently, sucked.
      And wasn't very quick, either.

      Delete
  13. Maybe he was a Log Cabin President because he really liked syrup.
    Good information.

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    Replies
    1. You may be right. I think the Democrats co-opted Vermont Maid.
      That sweet ho.

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  14. Yes. I forgot we had a president with that cat's name. Garfield the cat came first, right?

    xoRobyn

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    Replies
    1. Of course, the cat came first. It's only polite.

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  15. History with a twist. Love it! :) Happy G day! And, yeah, I was hoping for the cat...
    tm

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  16. Hello, Al! This is so funny because my husband and I were randomly talking about Garfield today. We couldn't remember how long he'd been in office until he was assassinated. Now I know, thanks! President or leader of a country is definitely NOT a job I'd want, eeek.

    Happy A to Z-ing! from Laura Marcella @ Wavy Lines

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    Replies
    1. I can't tell you the number of times Garfield's name has come up in conversation. Especially when speaking to deranged office-seekers.

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  17. Phew! You got to the cat at last. :-)

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    Replies
    1. I had to. Otherwise, I'm sure there would have been lawsuits.

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  18. Replies
    1. Nobody thought of James first. Probably more of an indication of the type of president he was than an indictment of our culture.

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  19. I wondered if Garfield the cat would make an appearance :-)

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    Replies
    1. Well, of course. If you read all these comments, everybody was expecting him!

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  20. That was hilarious. I never heard that log cabin thing (second reference) before. And was that the era that Wagner was doing his first series, It Takes An Assassin"?

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  21. I knew that post would end up with a pussy at the end. (oops that was in bad taste too)

    The High Cost of this Low Living

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  22. Yes it was Garfield the cat I was thinking about.

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    Replies
    1. Funny. NOBODY thought of the president. Which is perfectly understandable.

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  23. This is the most hilarious thing I have read in a long time Al, I want to print it out and frame it on my wall, it's killed me and I don't know why but wow haha, I've bookmarked this for future reading, so good.

    "He was a southpaw and was drafted by the New York Yankees. Until they realized he was dead." From the moment I read that I was in stitches, definitely worth a second read when I'm feeling so tired I'm deliriously laughing without understanding.

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    Replies
    1. The Yankees could use the help. Even from dead guys.

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  24. My father was named after Chester Arthur; do you think Garfield was named after Garfield?

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    Replies
    1. At first, I was gonna toss off some wiseacre remark, then I thought about it....
      Hmm......

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  25. I was totally NOT thinking the cat. Not one bit!!

    Loved triangles!? The most controversial of all shapes?!? How was he even elected!?!

    Hugs!

    Valerie Nunez and the Flying Platypi

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  26. Good for you! That makes two people.
    That triangles thing? Absolutely true. It sounds like something I'd make up, doesn't it?

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