'C' is for Charlemagne
|Lou-King of the All-Beef Franks|
Charlemagne, known as Carolus Magnus, Charles the Great (because Carolus sounded girly), or Charles I to his mother ("I can still put you over my knee, Mr. King of the Franks!") was born in A.D. 742 and died in 814.
Scared to death he would take after his father, Pepin the Short, young Carolus (as he was known before all that snooty great business) was much relieved when he grew to normal height. Unfortunately, his dream of playing for the National Basketball Association was dashed when he found out that basketball wouldn't be invented for another 1,000 years or so. In a land still inhabited only by Mohawks.
|Charles-King of Italy|
Wincing with disappointment, he threw himself into his work as King of the Franks, King of Italy, and the first Holy Roman Emperor (which really didn't pay much, but it did give him his own parking space at the Vatican).
|Charles-Holy Roman Emperor|
|Stan-King of Mufflers|
At first he shared his reign with his brother, Carolman. However, when he died under mysterious circumstances (some say it was Colonel Mustard with a Battleaxe in the Great Hall), Carolus took the mantle of Charlemagne. At that time, he established the Carolingian Dynasty (after his check cleared), thus bringing Europe firmly into the 8th century. Where it stayed until it discovered that witches don't cause diarrhea.
He also made the fledgling kingdom of France a force with which to be reckoned (primarily because Germany was still trying to decide whether bear or wolf pelts were warmer) and Britain was still working on their accent ("Do we want to go Monty Python or Masterpiece Theater?").
|Yeah. France. |
Boy, those barbarians really
effed the Roman Empire up, huh?
Known as the Father of Europe (imagine those child support payments), Charlemagne ousted the Lombards from Italy, conquered the Bavarians, brought Christianity to the Saxons (before impaling them), made incursions into Muslim Spain until he was issued a "cease and desist" order by CFIR (Council on Frankish-Islamic Relations), and began the practice of making rude comments to tourists at Parisian bistros.
|"Now, don't forget. |
I really didn't so well with those Muslims.
Better you should go to Italy.
They don't even know what a toilet is yet.
Plus, the women have big boobs."
Disappointed he had to give up his dream of actually having a bath, Charlemagne died in Aachen (which may be in present-day Belgium. Who knows? But they sure had some bitchin' waffles), he died on January 28, 814. Before he died, however, he passed his kingdom to his son, Louis the Pious. His subjects, initially overjoyed that the kingdom stayed in the family (despite jealous overtures by those uppity DeGaulles of Bordeaux), were dismayed when Louis squandered the wealth of the kingdom by buying a time share on the Costa Del Sol in Spain. Just before it was invaded by the Moors.
Charlemagne: Father of Europe, Emperor of the Holy Romans, Charles the Great.
Louis: the Pious, Son of Carolus Magnus, Lousy Real Estate Investor, Eh-Not-So-Great.
Tomorrow: Something with a 'D' in it. HINT: He's naked.