Wednesday, April 3, 2013

Charlemagne


'C' is for Charlemagne



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Charles-King of the Franks
Lou-King of the All-Beef Franks

The King-King of Burgers
   Charlemagne, known as Carolus Magnus, Charles the Great (because Carolus sounded girly), or Charles I to his mother ("I can still put you over my knee, Mr. King of the Franks!") was born in A.D. 742 and died in 814.

    Scared to death he would take after his father, Pepin the Short, young Carolus (as he was known before all that snooty great business) was much relieved when he grew to normal height.  Unfortunately, his dream of playing for the National Basketball Association was dashed when he found out that basketball wouldn't be invented for another 1,000 years or so.  In a land still inhabited only by Mohawks.
Charles-King of Italy

   Wincing with disappointment, he threw himself into his work as King of the Franks, King of Italy, and the first Holy Roman Emperor (which really didn't pay much, but it did give him his own parking space at the Vatican).
Charles-Holy Roman Emperor
Stan-King of Mufflers

    At first he shared his reign with his brother, Carolman.  However, when he died under mysterious circumstances (some say it was Colonel Mustard with a Battleaxe in the Great Hall), Carolus took the mantle of Charlemagne.  At that time, he established the Carolingian Dynasty (after his check cleared), thus bringing Europe firmly into the 8th century.  Where it stayed until it discovered that witches don't cause diarrhea.  

    He also made the fledgling kingdom of France a force with which to be reckoned (primarily because Germany was still trying to decide whether bear or wolf pelts were warmer) and Britain was still working on their accent ("Do we want to go Monty Python or Masterpiece Theater?"). 
Yeah.  France.
Boy, those barbarians really
effed the Roman Empire up, huh?

    Known as the Father of Europe (imagine those child support payments), Charlemagne ousted the Lombards from Italy, conquered the Bavarians, brought Christianity to the Saxons (before impaling them), made incursions into Muslim Spain until he was issued a "cease and desist" order by CFIR (Council on Frankish-Islamic Relations), and began the practice of  making rude comments to tourists at Parisian bistros.

"Now, don't forget.
I really didn't so well with those Muslims.
Better you should go to Italy.
They don't even know what a toilet is yet.
Plus, the women have big boobs."
    Disappointed he had to give up his dream of actually having a bath, Charlemagne died in Aachen (which may be in present-day Belgium.  Who knows?  But they sure had some bitchin' waffles), he died on January 28, 814.  Before he died, however, he passed his kingdom to his son, Louis the Pious.  His subjects, initially overjoyed that the kingdom stayed in the family (despite jealous overtures by those uppity DeGaulles of Bordeaux), were dismayed when Louis squandered the wealth of the kingdom by buying a time share on the Costa Del Sol in Spain.  Just before it was invaded by the Moors.

    Charlemagne:  Father of Europe, Emperor of the Holy Romans, Charles the Great.

    Louis:  the Pious, Son of Carolus Magnus, Lousy Real Estate Investor, Eh-Not-So-Great.

Tomorrow:  Something with a 'D' in it.  HINT:  He's naked.


38 comments:

  1. Replies
    1. There is an element of "hubba hubba" in tomorrow's post. Especially if you're a chick.

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  2. The basketball bit actually made me scoff so hard for some reason Al, absolutely hilarious stuff man!

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    1. I think Charlemagne would have been great in the NBA. Although his version of charging probably would have involved running his opponent through with a broadsword.

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  3. Sounds like he did a ton with his run, but the butler did it with a feather I hear. And thanks for getting rid of my one fear, I still thought witches cause the runs. Guess it's just warts.

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    1. No, it's just Mexican food which causes gastrointestinal distress.

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  4. He is also the king of hearts in poker

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    Replies
    1. He had to find another line of work.

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  5. I don't know why the King of Burgers is smiling so hard 'cause the Chick-fil-A cow can kick his ass any day!!!

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    Replies
    1. I think he's smiling because of the hoof stuck up his ass.

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  6. Witches don't cause diarrhea? That's news to me!

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    Replies
    1. I know. Who knew? Now, as far as hemorrhoids....

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  7. Al
    I love this. You put some outrageously funny lines in here. A masterpiece. Isn't there a joke about that word? No I must be thinking of Mr. and Mrs. Bates.

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    1. I actually went to junior high with a kid whose last name was 'Bates.'
      You better believe he had a nickname.

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  8. Haha brilliant. I'm going to go ahead and assume it's all factual and educate my kids (if I had kids)x

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    1. Absolutely all factual.
      Except that NBA thing.
      There were Muslims in Spain though.
      Maybe still are.

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  9. Death by Battle in the Great Hall by Colonel Mustard no less - it could not have happened differently. Will this be on my SATs - just wondering...I'm studying so hard and talk is there's something Charlesesque about one of the sections!

    Und...vor sure Das Auto vass vat wie ver tawking about...not da bear or da volf. Get doss fact schtraight...dann you are sooo schmart. :P


    Jenny @ PEARSON REPORT

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    1. I had to read that last sentence aloud-great job!
      Bitte, fraulein.

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  10. Honestly, Charlemagne is one of my all time heroes. ("Yeah, this from a guy who has a picture of Dick Nixon above every post.") You did an admirable job.

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    1. Who am I to judge? I'm on a toilet at the top of MY blog.

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  11. You had too much fun with this. I'm going to have to stop by more often.

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    1. I seriously had fun with most of these. If it wasn't so much work, I'd write a history book.

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    2. CAUTION: Impairment of Brain Cells may result From reading Penwasser Place

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    3. Nah. I've been here a while, and I'm still okay...

      (sort of)

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    4. That's a relief. I'd hate to get sued.

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  12. You know, now a days he could have waited for his check to clear right at the register and they would give it back to him after he took all the time to fill it out! A much easier and faster way to rule!
    The High Cost of this Low Living

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    Replies
    1. I don't know. The Saxons were kinda twitchy about paperless transactions.

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  13. This is fantastic. The history major in me just LOVED this ;P

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    1. I've learned just enough history to be a wiseass

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  14. Was he the main character in Charles in Charge?

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  15. Remember those Burger King commercials where he'd just appear out of nowhere with a sandwich? Yea, I still have nightmares about them...

    Hugs!

    Valerie

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    Replies
    1. He really should be on someone's watch list, shouldn't he?

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  16. ..and that was the letter "C". Hoo-rahhh!

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    Replies
    1. I've still got three more to write.
      But, they're 'O,', 'Q,' and 'Z.' So I got time.

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  17. You just had to go with Burger King. He is so creepy that he could star in a horror movie.
    Love the Clue reference.

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    Replies
    1. Burger King had no choice. The clown, girl with pigtails, and cow spokesmen were all taken.
      And the chihuahua dog died.

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