Tuesday, April 2, 2013

Big Bang Theory



'B' is for Big Bang Theory

"Seriously, who farted?
God is going to be sooo hacked off."
    According to some scientists (some of whom have actually seen a girl naked), the Big Bang Theory is the possible explanation for creation of the universe.  Essentially, a long, long, long time ago in a place where there were no galaxies near or far away, all the matter (which really mattered) smashed themselves together so tightly (think Rosie O'Donnell trying on jeans) that it created a huge amount of heat energy (eww, that Rosie analogy just made me throw up in my mouth).

    As this energy grew and grew, it suddenly exploded and expanded with such an intensity that it created all which makes up the universe:  galaxies, planets, asteroids, Oprah, Denny's, etc.

    This took place around 13.772 billion years ago (plus or minus 15 million years).  In dog years, this would be 96.404 billion years.  Or Bette White.  This is according to the Lambda-CDM concordance model.  Who should know.  Because they have slide rulers and shit.

"Hey, who took our inhalers?
  By the way, the Asian kid I get.
But, a black nerd?"
    Some scientists differ, however.  The Lambda Lambda Lambda model, on the other hand, was in the process of determining the exact age of the universe, but they were interrupted when the football team pantsed them. 



I alluded to an obscure song from the 80s.
Ain't I frikkin' clever?
You're welcome.
   In any event, it's not like anyone can go check to see whether these Eggheads (who are Blinded by...Science!) are right or not.  The only way we'll ever know for sure is when we go to Heaven (or...that other place) and God (who may have a pocket protector) tells us that the evangelicals were right all along, "Let's see, yep, it's 6,000 years old.  Soooo, you were a bit off.  Plus, it's a shame you didn't go to Muslim Heaven, what with all those virgins.  Can I interest you in a cloud, though?  And some John Denver music?"

NOTE:  I realize that not all of you believe in God, heaven, or even pocket protectors.  Bear in mind that if God doesn't exist, we'll just disappear into the oblivion of ignorance.  A lot like Congress.  So who cares then?  I'll hedge my bets, though, and go with the heavenly paradise thing.  Even though I'll be spending a few thousand years in Purgatory.  Have you seen my Easter post?

  So, now that you know what the Big Bang Theory is, how about what the Big Bang Theory isn't?


Oh...that is just horrifying.

Guys:  For all your self-righteous indignation, I know you'd like to get in on some of that action.
Ladies:  For all your self-righteous indignation, consider...pump and a squeeze, he's asleep, and you'll be able to get out into town before the 10 o'clock news.  And, let's face it, a couple years, and you're a millionaire.  With an STD.

Speaking of STDs...

Finally, when you saw the title of this post, I'll bet you were thinking of the television show, weren't you?  To be honest, it first came to my mind when developing this, but I wanted to surprise you.  It's a funny program which, incidentally, provides us with an explanation for the creation of the universe in its opening tune which is easily as plausible as anything you'd get with Lambda Phi Epsilon or whoever.  Plus, Penny's hot. 
The whole universe was in a hot, dense state
Then, 14 billion years ago, expansion started
Wait a minute
The Earth began to cool
The autotropes (?)
blah, blah, I don't understand, blah, blah, blah 
Neanderthals developed tools
We built a wall*
We built the pyramids**
Math, science, history
Unraveling the mystery
that all started with a big bang

*You'd get an argument from Barack Obama on that one
**Ditto.  Weren't you paying attention to the first asterisk?

Everybody's all trying to get in.  
No wonder Sheldon has that look on his face.  
Unless he digs it.
Oh, who am I kidding?
I'd do Amy or Bernadette, too.
Tomorrow:  A 'C' post.  I'm not sure what I want to write yet.  But, you can bet it begins with 'C.'

47 comments:

  1. So many numbers, I'll go back to living in my own little world where it started when I arrived, as everything is all in my mind, or lack there of.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I looked at your comment real quick and thought, when you'd "go back living in my [your] own little world", you would "jack off" instead of "lack there of."
      I thought, "Sounds legit."
      Then I saw what you really wrote.
      The "jacking off" part is still on the table, though.

      Delete
    2. By the way, John, have you written any posts since March 9th (Unselfish)? I'm sure you have and I'd like to visit, but I can't.
      "Don't answer the door! Penwasser's knocking!!"

      Delete
  2. I'd even do Wolowitz....I love that show and isn't that octomom?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I wouldn't do him. Not that there's anything wrong with that.
      Yes, that's Octo-Mom.
      Hmm, she's a girl. Ewwwww.
      I'd like to reconsider my stance on Wolowitz.

      Delete
    2. You two crack me up!

      @Lass - It would have to be a situation of him being the last "dude" (used loosely) on the planet...and even then! hahahaha, but hey, I've been known to waffle! Right Al.

      @Al - In light of your options if these were the last two, yup I support your Wolowitz decision.

      If only you could hear me laughing! :P

      Delete
    3. Boggle-a fun family game from Hasbro (Al's Grammar Note: If you bought two, you'd have "Boggles." Please see Comment above).
      Or is that from Parker Brothers?
      Or Milton Bradley?
      Aw, screw it, it's fun.
      And starts with a 'B.'
      Hey.............

      Delete
  3. I love you. This is great. I wonder how much God laughs at us trying to explain everything without Him? Kind of like when our kids tell us all about life and we smirk inside and say "just wait".

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm quite curious how my check-in interview with God will go.
      I hope He has a good sense of humor.
      If not, there's always oblivion.

      Delete
  4. Hilarious Al!!! Is it me or does Kim look a bit lopsided? Maybe Kanye can get that straightened out after the little prince or princess arrives.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. She may be, but who cares when you're motorboating?
      Please excuse my misogynist statement.
      But, still, those melons....

      Delete
  5. LOL can't knock lamda logic, having a finger up ones nose really brings forth the ideas

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. oh and your toilet seat is on display today at my bay.

      Delete
    2. Let's just hope it's only the nose.
      Or a finger.

      Delete
  6. Thomas Dolby and the Big Bang Theory in one post. Now that is mind-blowing.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's what I do.
      Draw connections between disparate objects.
      I think I have a problem.

      Delete
  7. People have tried to convince me to believe in pocket protectors but I need proof.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think we covered Proofs in Geometry.

      Delete
  8. I really hate the TV show of the same name

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I liked it more when they were more "nerdy." Now they're getting more mainstream. Plus.....one of them has had sex with Penny? Please.

      Delete
  9. My first day back in the blog world, and this post is the first one I read. That is why I was a fan then, and I'm a fan now. You are hilariously awesome.

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  10. Great post, even if you did make me look at the terrible and selfish Octomom!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Do you need an icepick to get that image out of your mind's eye?

      Delete
  11. So cool imagining you being a Big Bang Theory fan Al, I never envisioned that before. Love your take at how the world was created too although I'm not pleased at seeing Octomom and her massive baby bump, I can't believe one human managed to keep eight babies inside her, it's insane. Great post as usual buddy.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I enjoy listening to Sheldon run off at the mouth.
      Plus, Penny's easy on the eyes.
      Unlike Octo-Mom.

      Delete
  12. Yeah, I've heard about these American college societies where new recruits get pantsed or whatever. Does it have something to do with being too ugly to date girls?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Actually, it's more like cotton briefs up a sphincter.
      That CAN'T be attractive.

      Delete
  13. Boy, B sure came out with a bang! I wonder how many B things that big mama busted out?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. A studebaker, the Hensons from Paducah, the National Debt, Batman, the "lost" Munchkins, Jimmy Hoffa, the Hubble telescope, Geraldo, the kids' father, slow-moving animals, the 5:15 Express to Noroton Heights, you know, the usual stuff.

      Delete
  14. That show makes me want to run with sharp objects. Love the post

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. As long as I have someplace to plug in my brain so it can suck all the intelligence out of me, I'm good to go.

      Delete
  15. I confess, I thought it would be about the show. But actually the way you went was really interesting, which says a lot since my intelligence does is not able to boast of an understanding of science.

    Funny post!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I try to be unpredictable. It keeps me one step ahead of the authorities that way.

      Delete
  16. I came here via the A to Z Challenge and your going to have to kick me out, great post. From Kim K's breasts to talk of tapping Bernadette. Yeah, your going to have to kick me out.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks for stopping by! Please check your sanity at the door.

      Delete
  17. Bernadette's breasts are nothing to sneeze at, by the way! I love that show! What amazing writers and actors!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. If I'm sneezing on Bern's boobies, I'm doing something wrong.

      Delete
  18. As I write this Big Bang Theory is on TV. Sheldon's first date with Amy.
    When you wrote of 6,000 years ago, it reminded me of my sister. The one in the cult who really does believe in the 6,000 year thing. I sent her an email that showed evidence of a crater found under a town in IA and it was determined to be way older than that. Not sure what I was thinking. I got a "that's interesting" outta her.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. So, I did remember correctly that some people believe the Earth is 6,000 years old? I'm doing my best to wing these things without looking anything up. I can't say that I go completely without a net the whole time-I look some stuff up. However, for the 'W' post, I rely on what I remembered and didn't look up a thing. In fact, of the 26, it's the most serious one (even then, I couldn't resist). When we get there, let me know how I did.

      Delete
    2. You remember right cause I remember her standing in my kitchen telling me all about it.
      I will be sure to let you know.

      Delete
    3. @Ruth
      Gotta love the "I'm pretty sure Earth is only 6,000 years old" argument; really...that young...my, my how good Mother Earth looks - I guess it's Father Time that's the ancient bastard!

      @Al...you mean to tell me W is serious? Should I be Worried?

      Delete
  19. "The autotropes (?)
    blah, blah, I don't understand, blah, blah, blah <- That would be "began to cool" I think.
    Neanderthals developed tools"

    Love this post... I even understood it. :) And I don't even have a slide ruler and/or shit.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The autotropes began to cool? I'm gonna have to listen to that-it makes sense.
      Incidentally, what's an autotrope? And did I hear that right? Sure, I could look it up, but....

      Delete
  20. There isn't anything I don't love about this post... From Lamda Lamda Lamda being pantsed to std carrying Kim. (Because we all know it's true, kim! Just come out with it on the season finale already and get your stupid ratings up, you talentless whore.)

    Hugs!

    Valerie

    ReplyDelete