Monday, March 25, 2013

The A-Z Challenge Starts Next Week


    So, consider yourselves lucky you're getting this.  
    Even though it's a repost.  
    So...maybe you're not so lucky, after all.
    Robyn, Julie, and all my Jewish friends, HAPPY PASSOVER!

    The holiday of Pesach, or Passover, falls on the Hebrew calendar dates of Nissan 15-22.

   Nissan, huh?  I didn't know the Hebrews had Japanese cars.  The things you can learn on Google. 
In case you didn't know, here it is.
Orange line confuses the hell out of the fish, though.
    
    In case you have no idea when Nissan is, Passover starts tonight at dusk.  Or whenever the Matzoh truck backs up in your driveway.  The merriment lasts until April 2nd.  This means that, chocolate bunnies notwithstanding, Passover kicks Easter right in the latkes, holiday-wise.  Say what you will about Jewish holidays, but...

Christmas:  1 day
Hannukah:  8 crazy nights
Easter:  1 day (Mass included at no charge)
Passover: 8 crazy nights of unleavened bread
   
    For those west of the International Date Line, add a day.  I'm almost positive.  If I'm wrong, sue me.
NOTE:  Last year's joke about the International Date Line included because I didn't feel like deleting the picture of the globe.  Which still makes me giggle.

    They tell me Passover is a most solemn Jewish holiday.  They also tell me that Easter is the most solemn Christian holiday.  But, these are the same folks who tell me Adam Sandler is a comic genius.  So...
  
    As a test of how much I learned in school, I’m not going to consult a book, Google, the entrails of an owl, or Mr. Fineman from across the street.  I’m also too lazy to open a book.

    ANOTHER NOTE (these frikkin' things are like Lays potato chips):  The following could be considered wildly irreverent.  Could be?  Please accept my apologies in advance.  I just hope that Hell has visiting hours so you can come see me.   

    Passover is a Jewish (I think we got that) celebration which commemorates the exodus (so THAT explains the book) of the Hebrews from Egypt, way back when Betty White was just a teenager.

"Once I become Pharaoh,
I'm cutting this dumbass hair thing off."

    They were led by Charlton Heston, who if he had only kept his mouth shut, could have eventually become Pharaoh and freed the slaves.  Along the way, he could also have bagged the hot Nefertiri (not to be confused with ‘Nefertiti.’  Who was in The Mummy.  And was hot, too).  Then, Ramses (aka Yul Brynner), wouldn’t have donned the royal loincloth and bedded Anne Baxter.
See what I'm saying?
She's been dead for almost 30 years now, though.
Which kinda sucks.

Especially for her.
     But, noooooo, he had to go out into 
the desert, raise some sheep, marry Lily Munster, open the Midian chapter of the NRA, and meet God (who did not look like George Burns).

    If he hadn’t, though, Cecil B. DeMille wouldn’t have known what type of movie to make.

    Moses, heeding a divine call, decided to go back to Egypt to free the slaves.  Imagine Ramses’ chagrin (i.e., hacked-off) when the “Big Mo” barged into meetings of the Pyramid Planning Commission, waved his stick around, and turned goats into chickens.  Or grass stains into dazzling whites.
Boils.  Snooki. 
Wonder how they were 
able to tell the difference. 
    Moses directed (well, God actually.  Moses was the middleman) that a series of plagues be visited on Egypt: frogs, locusts, boils (eww), bloody water, Snooki, irritable bowel syndrome, etc.  All meant to convince Pharaoh to “let the people go.”  
NOTE:  Very few people realize that Pharaoh was confused about what it meant to "let the people go."  He didn't want to seriously funk the desert up.  Thanks, Wikipedia!  
 
    The scourges were actually starting to work, too, until Ramses looked at the latest Gallup poll numbers.  Figuring he had to satisfy his “slavery” base, his heart was hardened and he called the whole deal off.

    Well, Moses eventually had enough of this crap (NOTE:  not to be confused with "letting people go.").  He told Ramses that the first-born of Egypt would be slain in punishment for enslaving his people.  This included (cue dramatic music) the Pharaoh’s own son!
"Hey, whaddya know?
Monkeys can fly!"

    NOTE:  I think this was true, at least according to the movie.  Hollywood was pretty truthful sixty years ago.  Except I don’t think monkeys could fly.

    The Hebrews, feeling pretty damned cocky, painted goat (or sheep?) blood over their doors.  They felt quite safe that death would “pass” them “over.”  (Get it now?).  If only because Death got wicked skeeved at the sight of blood.

"Whaddya mean, no Canadian Ham?
Well, I'll just have to give this
to the Catholics down the street.
Wait.
Catholics haven't been invented yet?
Or baseball caps?
Or baseball?
Oh, F!!"
    
    So, they hung out while the “Destroyer” (or "Galactus") went from door to door seeking out the Egyptians, accompanied by a couple of Mormons who figured “hey, it couldn’t hurt.”  They sang songs, prayed prayers, played “Old Testament Yahtzee”, and ate unleavened bread (because Dominos stopped delivering at 10).
Not bad with peanut butter,
jelly...and wine.

    When the day dawned and Ramses saw the mess (“Now, we’ll never get that blood out!”), he ordered Moses to pack up his shit and get the hell out.

    NOTE:  Ramses may not have actually said ‘shit.’  I think I've gotten carried away with the "letting people go" part.

    So, Moses jumped for Joy (his sister-in-law) and convinced everybody to head out (“So, where is it we’re going exactly, Mr. Fancy Pants Big Shot?”).  He wasn’t exactly sure where, though.  His BFF, Aaron, had gotten Trip-Tiks from the Cairo AAA.  And those people sucked.
"Yeah, see? Moses is a punk, see?
This hat is squeezin' my frikkin'
head like a grape, see?"
    
    Bottom line, the Hebrews finally left Egypt.  Along the way, the Egyptian Army went for a one-way dip in the Red Sea, Edward G. Robinson talked a lot of smack, Aaron was forced to make some seriously effed-up looking calf, they got all jiggy with their bad selves at the base of Mount Sinai, Moses saw a wicked cool light show on the mountain, and had bread fall out of the sky for breakfast, lunch, and dinner (“So we couldn’t maybe get a nice brisket instead?”). 
    
    They were finally allowed to enter the Promised Land after 40 years (the prior tenants had a wicked long-term lease).

    Since I’m over 1,000 words, let me finish by saying that Moses wasn’t even allowed to enter with the rest of his people (he didn’t get his wrist stamped). 
"Is it any wonder Bo thought I was hot?
Can someone untie me now?"

    He had to watch while Joshua (played by John Derek.  Before he got fat, married Bo, and died) led his people into...Canaan?  Or somewhere the Iranians would get all hacked off about.

    I think it had something to do with smacking a rock to get water.  Which was a mistake.

    Because, as we all know, paper, not water, covers rock.  

    Now, go ahead, get ready for Easter.

    There's a chocolate bunny in it for you.

31 comments:

  1. I do enjoy how Jewish holidays last a lot longer than Christian ones. Although Easter lasts about three days overall. I think you have the general feeling of the holiday story at least.

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    1. I always marvel how Passover and Easter intersect. Nothing like Christmas and Hanukkah.
      Or Rosh Hashanah and Columbus Day.

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  2. After that how can one not be ready for easter, unless they are preparing for flying monkeys.

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    1. As long as they don't molest my chocolate bunnies, I'm good to go.

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  3. Replies
    1. I try to slip in some actual facts with things like this. This will be the way I "roll" all next month. The difficult part is trying to figure out which is true and which is jive. Needless to say, nobody should use Penwasser Place to study for the SAT. Unless it's on flying monkeys.

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  4. haha reposts are always grand at your sea, even if you use them a time or three or ten but who's counting.

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    Replies
    1. When posting a repeat
      I try to see
      if anyone has read it.
      Or two. Or three.

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  5. I love your take on things...always worth a guffaw or two!

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  6. You're such a mensch, Al. Not only do you educate on Judaism and our holidays, which I really appreciate, you also dislike Adam Sandler. A comic genius? I bet his mother's the only one who said that.

    I hope you have some chocolate covered matzah this Passover.
    xoRobyn

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    Replies
    1. Every time I write these, I think of you. :-)
      Have a great Passover. It really is a great story.

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  7. Great education on Passover Al, love these kinds of posts. You're right about the Jewish when it comes to holidays too, they do it in style! I've got a good few Jewish friends on Blogger and on Twitter and it's good to wish them a happy one. This post has made me crave chocolate though to be honest mmm.

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    Replies
    1. Chocolate AND matzoh.
      Or, better, chocolate-covered matzoh.

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  8. Thanks for clarifying all of this! We celebrated Passover a wee bit early yesterday. Our seder wasn't nearly as exciting as this post!

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    Replies
    1. Never too early to hold a seder. I used to love going to Mrs. Penwasser #1's parents' house to celebrate. The only problem was that Mrs. Penwasser #1 had to come.

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  9. By the way, I just checked who's reading Penwasser Place right now.
    Israel and Russia.
    Yikes.

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  10. My comment on the previous post has disappeared and the same thing has happened on several other blogs. I suspect our local voodoo witch doctor is to blame - I'm going to hunt him down and give him a thrashing.

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    1. That's a poser. I think a comment may have disappeared on a post I meant to put on delay but automatically published (meaning you may see it again-like this hideous rerun above).

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  11. ha ha... I was curious about Passover yesterday and took a peek at it, glad it doesn't apply to me.. I don't even know what unleavened bread is, ha ha... Again I can't get myself to commit to failing at the a to z challenge. Yes I say fail, because I already know what will happen. I can't wait to see what you've got this year though!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Unleavened bread is that which tastes best with peanut butter on it.
      I hope you like some of what I wrote. I've got four written already (already?). Still have a ways to go-I'd really like some time to read other peoples' blogs (definitely including yours).

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  12. By the way, THREE people from Russia are reading!!!!!
    I'm thinking I shouldn't go outside.
    Or hang around with moose and squirrel.

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  13. I think that story is missing Batman and the Joker.

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    1. I had to so SOME editing (seriously, King Tut from Batman was in the original cut).

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  14. I do feel lucky getting a chance to read this again! You know I think you're onto something about matzo causing IBS! The History Channel has a new mini-series on The Bible, and their Moses was no Charlton Heston. I would much rather watch your entertaining version.Thanks Al!

    Julie

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    1. My pleasure, Julie, and I hope you have a wonderful, blessed Passover.

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  15. Started reading your post, always thought that "Easter" and other holidays like it were stolen from Pagan cultures.

    And then I saw the picture of Snooki, so I skipped the rest of the post in fear that she would show up again.

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    Replies
    1. Easter is. Christmas is. Canadian Thanksgiving? All yours.
      Snooki? Afraid she'd show up again which would make you throw up again.

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  16. Hi, Al! I'm one of the A-Z Minions and just wanted to stop by to say hello. I'm glad to have found your blog, I know it will be entertaining to follow. :D

    Good luck with the Challenge. :)

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    Replies
    1. Hi Julie! Well, back at you. I'm taking a bit of a breather this week. Well, if you want to call it that. I've been writing A-Z posts and am over half way done. So, I'm not going over to other folks until Monday-then it's back to normal. But, don't worry. I'll be coming around then. Should be fun.

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    2. Oh, if you're interested, I'm throwing up (ooh, that's an unfortunate way to put it) an Easter repost on Sunday. But, starting the day after, it's all original stuff.

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