So, consider yourselves lucky you're getting this.
Even though it's a repost.
So...maybe you're not so lucky, after all.
Robyn, Julie, and all my Jewish friends, HAPPY PASSOVER!
The holiday of Pesach, or Passover, falls on the Hebrew calendar dates of Nissan 15-22.
Nissan, huh? I didn't know the Hebrews had Japanese cars. The things you can learn on Google.
In case you have no idea when Nissan is, Passover starts tonight at dusk. Or whenever the Matzoh truck backs up in your driveway. The merriment lasts until April 2nd. This means that, chocolate bunnies notwithstanding, Passover kicks Easter right in the latkes, holiday-wise. Say what you will about Jewish holidays, but...
Christmas: 1 day
Hannukah: 8 crazy nights
Easter: 1 day (Mass included at no charge)
Passover: 8 crazy nights of unleavened bread
For those west of the International Date Line, add a day. I'm almost positive. If I'm wrong, sue me.
NOTE: Last year's joke about the International Date Line included because I didn't feel like deleting the picture of the globe. Which still makes me giggle.
They tell me Passover is a most solemn Jewish holiday. They also tell me that Easter is the most solemn Christian holiday. But, these are the same folks who tell me Adam Sandler is a comic genius. So...
As a test of how much I learned in school, I’m not going to consult a book, Google, the entrails of an owl, or Mr. Fineman from across the street. I’m also too lazy to open a book.
ANOTHER NOTE (these frikkin' things are like Lays potato chips): The following could be considered wildly irreverent. Could be? Please accept my apologies in advance. I just hope that Hell has visiting hours so you can come see me.
Passover is a Jewish (I think we got that) celebration which commemorates the exodus (so THAT explains the book) of the Hebrews from Egypt, way back when Betty White was just a teenager.
They were led by Charlton Heston, who if he had only kept his mouth shut, could have eventually become Pharaoh and freed the slaves. Along the way, he could also have bagged the hot Nefertiri (not to be confused with ‘Nefertiti.’ Who was in The Mummy. And was hot, too). Then, Ramses (aka Yul Brynner), wouldn’t have donned the royal loincloth and bedded Anne Baxter.
|See what I'm saying?|
She's been dead for almost 30 years now, though.
Which kinda sucks.
Especially for her.
the desert, raise some sheep, marry Lily Munster, open the Midian chapter of the NRA, and meet God (who did not look like George Burns).
If he hadn’t, though, Cecil B. DeMille wouldn’t have known what type of movie to make.
Moses, heeding a divine call, decided to go back to Egypt to free the slaves. Imagine Ramses’ chagrin (i.e., hacked-off) when the “Big Mo” barged into meetings of the Pyramid Planning Commission, waved his stick around, and turned goats into chickens. Or grass stains into dazzling whites.
|Boils. Snooki. |
Wonder how they were able to tell the difference.
NOTE: Very few people realize that Pharaoh was confused about what it meant to "let the people go." He didn't want to seriously funk the desert up. Thanks, Wikipedia!
The scourges were actually starting to work, too, until Ramses looked at the latest Gallup poll numbers. Figuring he had to satisfy his “slavery” base, his heart was hardened and he called the whole deal off.
Well, Moses eventually had enough of this crap (NOTE: not to be confused with "letting people go."). He told Ramses that the first-born of Egypt would be slain in punishment for enslaving his people. This included (cue dramatic music) the Pharaoh’s own son!
NOTE: I think this was true, at least according to the movie. Hollywood was pretty truthful sixty years ago. Except I don’t think monkeys could fly.
The Hebrews, feeling pretty damned cocky, painted goat (or sheep?) blood over their doors. They felt quite safe that death would “pass” them “over.” (Get it now?). If only because Death got wicked skeeved at the sight of blood.
|"Whaddya mean, no Canadian Ham?|
Well, I'll just have to give this
to the Catholics down the street.
Catholics haven't been invented yet?
Or baseball caps?
So, they hung out while the “Destroyer” (or "Galactus") went from door to door seeking out the Egyptians, accompanied by a couple of Mormons who figured “hey, it couldn’t hurt.” They sang songs, prayed prayers, played “Old Testament Yahtzee”, and ate unleavened bread (because Dominos stopped delivering at 10).
When the day dawned and Ramses saw the mess (“Now, we’ll never get that blood out!”), he ordered Moses to pack up his shit and get the hell out.
NOTE: Ramses may not have actually said ‘shit.’ I think I've gotten carried away with the "letting people go" part.
So, Moses jumped for Joy (his sister-in-law) and convinced everybody to head out (“So, where is it we’re going exactly, Mr. Fancy Pants Big Shot?”). He wasn’t exactly sure where, though. His BFF, Aaron, had gotten Trip-Tiks from the Cairo AAA. And those people sucked.
Bottom line, the Hebrews finally left Egypt. Along the way, the Egyptian Army went for a one-way dip in the Red Sea, Edward G. Robinson talked a lot of smack, Aaron was forced to make some seriously effed-up looking calf, they got all jiggy with their bad selves at the base of Mount Sinai, Moses saw a wicked cool light show on the mountain, and had bread fall out of the sky for breakfast, lunch, and dinner (“So we couldn’t maybe get a nice brisket instead?”).
They were finally allowed to enter the Promised Land after 40 years (the prior tenants had a wicked long-term lease).
Since I’m over 1,000 words, let me finish by saying that Moses wasn’t even allowed to enter with the rest of his people (he didn’t get his wrist stamped).
He had to watch while Joshua (played by John Derek. Before he got fat, married Bo, and died) led his people into...Canaan? Or somewhere the Iranians would get all hacked off about.
I think it had something to do with smacking a rock to get water. Which was a mistake.
Because, as we all know, paper, not water, covers rock.
Now, go ahead, get ready for Easter.
There's a chocolate bunny in it for you.