Monday, March 11, 2013

Naked As a Jaybird in the Empty Nest

    When our daughter left for college last Fall, Mrs. Penwasser and I were very much saddened.  After all, for the first time in twenty years, we were all alone in the house (her brother had flown the coop two years ago).  The silence of our now-empty home was deafening.   


Sure, you may have prehensile thumbs 
and can make tools.
But, can you do this, wiseguy?
    Well, we still had the dog, but since he's able to lick himself, he's pretty much good to go.

    As the days turned into weeks and weeks turned into months (detect the pattern here?), the angst we felt at letting our children go was slowly replaced by newfound peace.  You mean we could pretty much do what we wanted to do when we wanted to do it?  The television wasn't tuned into the brain-sucking parasite of MTV on a nightly basis?  I could fart and not have to worry about traumatizing any of my daughter's friends?

NOTE:  I still blamed it on the dog, though.  He was so busy licking himself he didn't care.


Oh...my...God!!
Did you see what they were doing to each other??
You mean mine is gonna look like that!!??
  Most importantly:  we didn't need to lock the door anymore during monthly maritals.

   My sister, an experienced empty-nester, consoled me with the sentiment, "I told you you'd love it.  Eventually, the kids coming home will be an imposition."

    Yeah, I know.  The old softy oughta work for Hallmark.

    While I don't consider their visits impositions-rather, I thoroughly enjoy when they come home-I see her point.


No toilet.  No sink.  No kidding.

    As you know, I was remodeling the master bathroom this January.  While I didn't replace the shower, I did pull out the toilet and sink.  So, even though I could take a shower before work, I did need to use other facilities if I wanted to brush my teeth or foul the air.

    One morning, after my shower, I decided to brush my teeth (I'm considerate of the human race that way).  As I wasn't yet dressed and didn't feel like putting my robe on, I thought I'd just nip over to the kids' bathroom.  It was only about 20 feet away, it was dark out, and, besides, it was 5:30 in the morning.  The only one who might be up was Mrs. Penwasser.  Who cares if she saw me in the altogether, anyway?  After all, she signed up for sickness, health, and "OH MY GOD HE'S NAKED!!" almost 27 years ago.  She had a life sentence. 

    The kids, home on Christmas Break, wouldn't be up until the crack of noon, so I figured the coast was clear.

    NOTE:  You know where this is going, don't you?  This is known by pretentious writers as "foreshadowing."  I think. 

    What I had forgotten is that my son had agreed to accompany his mother to work that morning to make a few extra dollars.

    NOTE:  Okay, if you don't know where this is going by now, how long have you been reading Penwasser Place?
Nothing to see here, move along.
Jealous bastard.

    Padding quietly to their bathroom, I didn't want to make a noise so as to not wake Mrs. Penwasser or the kids.  I didn't care too much about the dog.  He had passed out from exhaustion after an all-night "Hey, bet you can't do this, Penwasser!" session.

    As I reached the bathroom door, it flew open.  Standing in front of me was my son, who immediately shrieked (a manly shriek) and covered his face.  Making retching sounds, he gasped, "Oh, my God!" before disappearing into his room.
Like this.
Only much worse.
    At first, I was just as shocked.  Then, I called after him,  "Hey, it's not like it's anything you don't have.  Except all nasty and dragging along on the carpet!"
It's an elephant!
Seriously, what's wrong with you?

    Even though Mrs. Penwasser lambasted me that afternoon with a "What the hell is wrong with you? Are you some kind of nudist?  Bad enough I have to look at it, you put our kids through that!?"

    Defending myself, she finally agreed that it could have been much worse.  It could have been our daughter.

    We wouldn't have been able to afford tuition or years of therapy.

    So, we're good that way.

    By the way, I shower in my bathing suit now.
The preceding story was not about Dick.
Nixon.
       

46 comments:

  1. Well a glimpse into his future isn't so bad, somehow I don't think the dog will get the blame for that one though.

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    1. He was too busy using his body as an amusement park.
      Because he can, I guess.

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  2. Ah me . . . a future to look forward to. My husband is pretty open now, you mean it's going to be even worse! I've got 5 years to prepare myself.

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    1. He's never looked at me the same since.

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  3. I have had the misfortune of seeing both my dad and my stepdad and really I would like to avoid thinking about it. I suppose it is a good job it wasn't your daughter, or one of her friends. I think that would have been much worse.

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  4. Hey, your son may have screached in front of you, but I betcha he's tellin' his friends, "My Dad's still got it".

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  5. LMAO well that is one way to ensure the kids won't want to come home.

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    Replies
    1. "Hey, why don't we go over to your house during break?"
      "No, my dad's become a nudist."
      "Ewwwwwww...."

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  6. Hey, I thought that was locker-room bonding stuff for guys. Lucky it wasn't your daughter's friend. Ha

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    1. Oh...my...God. Bad enough my daughter and her friend walked into the house last summer and I had my shirt off. It was HOT, dontcha know (the temperature. Certainly not me). It felt skeevy. Hell, I take a shower with the lights off. Bad enough I have to inflict Man Boobs on the innocent.

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  7. This made me laugh out loud - as many of your posts do! I walked in on dad once...I still have nightmares.

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    1. I walked in on my parents once. Never knew the moon could rise indoors.

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  8. Haha I have to admit that I felt a little like you were being Freddy Foreshadowing as this story began to progress Al haha! I'm sorry to hear about the incident yet also glad to hear that you're enjoying your new found peace around the house, honestly it's much deserved buddy!

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    1. And now he's home on Spring Break. Thank the good Lord the master bathroom is done.

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  9. A very biblical anecdote. Ham laughed at Noah when he was naked and brought a curse upon the Canaanites. Now, your son didn't laugh exactly, but he did express horror, which means that someone or SOMETHING is cursed. See where I'm going with this? Your dong is cursed.

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    1. So, then Ham dropped his drawers and sat on Noah's face. Hence the term, "Pressed Ham."
      And now you know.

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  10. Oh no, did your son lose his vision?

    It's a good thing you and Mrs. P weren't having your monthly maritals in the shower at that time.

    xoRobyn

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  11. Give him a membership to the YMCA, he'll see more than enough

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    1. Especially in the shower. All the dudes hang out there.

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  12. Ok I have at last stopped laughing so can now say no one wants to see their parent naked...........although no normal person wants to it is just to shocking.......

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    1. Oh, I have. Took a whole bottle of Comet to scrub my eyes clean.

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  13. Better he see you naked then trying to attempt what the dog does.

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    1. If I tried that, the next thing he'd see would be me in traction.

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  14. My mom always used to walk around the house naked when I was growing up. Dad was kind enough to wear his underwear.

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    1. Our (only) bathroom was at the end of a hallway. My father never closed the door when he was...uh..."reading the paper."
      Yeah. I've got THAT image burned into my brain.
      On the other hand, if he had closed the door, we wouldn't have been able to see the time he set his pubes on fire when he flicked his ashes in the bowl.
      Good times, good times.

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    2. What a proud "that's my dad" moment!

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  15. "monthly maritals"? You must mean arguments, right? ha ha ha

    I'm impressed you managed to avoid him seeing you naked for that long!

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  16. How did the boy get to be that old without a glimpse of the elephant? Crikey.

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    1. No elephants here. The only element of the circus that does live here is the clown.

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  17. I think it would have been more funny if your daughter had been exposed to that though. :P

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    1. Not enough money for that much therapy.

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  18. OMG, I am seriously cracking up! Yeah - good thing it was your son. And my dog is the same way - he wouldn't have noticed you either.

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    1. If a burglar broke into my house, my dog would let him take everything we owned AND let him sodomize me for an individually wrapped piece of cheese.
      So I have that going for me.

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  19. This was hysterical and your photos certainly made all my mental images disappear. So much for subliminal seduction.

    Julie

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  20. I guess it's one thing to shower with your friends, but when dad comes into the picture, it's a whole other story. At least you're both males. Like you said, if it was your daughter....that could have been horrifying. For her. I think we all accidentally see our parents naked one time or another. This will be one story your son will tell for years to come!

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    1. As many stories I tell about MY parents, I can only imagine the stories he and his sister will tell. I hope I get a chance to hear some. if the rest home lets me out.

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    2. Oh, BTW, I can't access your profile to drop off a few snappy comments (or whatever kind of crap I do).

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  21. This is hysterical! And thanks for that picture of the fat guy in what looks like granny panties walking on the beach. THAT'S an image I can't poke out of my mind's eye! It's not so bad that your son saw you naked - it let's him in on the fact that his genitals continue to grow - unfortunately I'm talking about the "TWINS" and NOT "BIG JIM"!!

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    1. He was home this past week for Spring Break-you better believe I locked my bedroom/bathroom door when "Little Al and the Twins" were swinging in the breeze. Last night, our daughter came home for HER Spring Break. She has a habit of just walking into our bedroom without knocking. I told Mrs. Penwasser that we should be "doing it'-THAT would teach her a lesson.
      Mrs. Penwasser: "Nice try."

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