Monday, February 11, 2013

Don't Worry. Nemo Will Find YOU.


"Hey, aren't they supposed to go on one of the tires?"


NOTE:  Yes, yes, I realize that New England got walloped by a wicked buttload of snow from Nemo.  Milford, Connecticut?  Supposedly, you won with the most snowfall in the region.  So, you have that going for you.  And the fact you have Stratford separating you from Bridgeport.  But, you live in New England.  Why do you think the pioneers moved west?  Although-sidebar, your honor?-when they were getting scalped or eating Papa Donner, I'm thinking they were reconsidering their stance on blizzards.
We only got a few inches here in Southeast Pennsylvania (that’s what she said).  Pretty much to cover the dog turds.  And midgets.
But, still….

  Once upon a time, a young man (hey, I’m the one writing this.  I can write ‘young’ man if I want!), looked out of his window.  A winter storm had deposited a sparkling blanket of snow on his driveway (well, more than his driveway, but you get the picture).

  Donning parka, gloves, wool hat, ski goggles, and pants (which I would think goes without saying), our hero (which also happens to be the name for a sandwich) thought he’d use the snowblower to clear the driveway for his wife. 

  Another sidebar, you honor?
  Q:  Why was the snowman happy?
  A:  He heard the snowblower was coming.

  Who had to go to work.

  Yeah, that sucks.

  Anyway, he decided he needed to clear a sufficient amount of snow to allow said wife to leave.  However, she ended up getting a ride from a friend before the young man (remember: my story) got outside.

  Had to check “Words With Friends” first, dontcha know.

   Even though he no longer had to hurry to clear the driveway, he decided to go out anyway.  After all, he was dressed now.

  Cutting a broad swath down one end, turning around, then removing Mother Nature’s frosty mantle of white from the other, the driveway was nearly cleared.

  Patting himself on the back for a job well done, the young man spotted a clump of mud halfway to the house.  Since he wanted to leave a pristine path for his wife upon her return from (like I said, that sucks), he aimed his snowblower towards to clear it away.

  Little did he know that, halfway though the job, a chain had slipped off one of his wheels and dropped onto the snow.

  Moral of the Story:  Keep your glasses on when shoveling, even though the ski goggles fog them up.  Because that may NOT be a clump of mud.  
"Sure, we sell replacement drive belts for snowblowers.
Dumbass."


50 comments:

  1. Well you tried to do something right, so I think it still counts as a good deed. At least you didn't break a body part or have something explode.

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    Replies
    1. It really could have been much worse. As it was, I still thought it was a funny story.
      I just hope it doesn't snow anymore this winter.

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  2. LOL those snowmen have all the fun. Hmmm I suppose the shit hit the fan?

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    1. And the best news? Snowmen can NEVER get snowladies pregnant.
      Wait for it....
      Snowballs.

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  3. This really made me laugh Al, shame you've been affected by Nemo though, hopefully it's all finished with soon.

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    Replies
    1. Actually, it was MUCH worse for my family in Connecticut. They're still digging midgets out of the drifts.

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  4. Replies
    1. On a related note...my sister-in-law posted a picture of my brother out in the snow this past Saturday. She wrote...
      "Thank goodness my husband is blowing paths for the dog."
      Never letting something like that slide by without comment, I replied, "Sounds like a euphemism to me. I always suspected that about him."

      Delete
  5. I don't care how you tell the story, Our game of WWF doesn't constitute my liability for your snowblower. I will tear up that itemized bill.

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    Replies
    1. Golly, that's not what that lawyer from TV said.

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  6. You have to blow snow for her too? Man, I thought she'd give you a rest after the kitchen. Don't eat it unless you want your teeth to chatter.

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  7. Well, if I blow snow, then maybe she'll blow m...oops, I've said too much already.

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  8. Oh... Nemo found us. And we don't have a snow blower. I have a snow Sargent who insists we are out there shoveling every four hours or so. (Which I'll never admit to him, but it works perfectly)

    The snow though wasn't so bad (only 18-20 inches)... it was the 50-80 mph winds. Took trees down everywhere and houses were swept into the ocean.... ones that shouldn't have been because they weren't even close considering. And yes, all these things, these change of season extremes is why I live here.... why I moved back from Florida... and why I will likely die here.

    ....Just hopefully when I'm like 98 and not 38, frozen from another power outage of this week's storms.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think where you live (and where I live) is much more preferable to those poor people who have to deal with all those frikkin' tornadoes!

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  9. Don't eat the yellow (or brown, in this case) snow! I can walk right out the front or back door and see snow, but it isn't EVER going to snow here! I'm so happy about that I just teared up...

    The last time it snowed here was in 1949! I'm betting that it was probably hail and not snow...

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  10. Don't eat the yellow (or brown, in this case) snow! I can walk right out the front or back door and see snow, but it isn't EVER going to snow here! I'm so happy about that I just teared up...

    The last time it snowed here was in 1949! I'm betting that it was probably hail and not snow...

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    Replies
    1. If I could convince Mrs. Penwasser to move anywhere there wasn't snow, I'd be so there. I'd actually like to open a tee-shirt shop in Belize, but I think I'd have a better chance of seeing Jesus at a nudie bar.

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  11. Don't visit Canada anytime soon. Still snowing up here. ._.

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  12. Those snowblowers can be tricky. My sis-in-law had to have my seven-year-old niece show her how to start hers. At least you got further than that.

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    Replies
    1. I really hate the thing. I'm always afraid it's gonna crap out on me in the middle of a snowdrift.

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  13. You are the best hubby in all the land, Al. I am sure she knows it too. I just hope that wasn't your Valentine's Day gift LOL

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    Replies
    1. I hope not, too. I have plans for Valentines. My Valentines involves...uh...chocolate. Yeah, let's call it 'chocolate.'

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  14. I wish some of these places would send snow my way!!! We are getting jilted here in KY :)

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    Replies
    1. Connecticut wouldn't mind sending you some. Our snow, on the other hand, is just about gone. But, there's another storm predicted for tomorrow. But, I won't complain to my family up north.

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  15. OOOOOOOH SHIIIIT! That had to suck! The really sad moral to this story is....just leave it....the next day it'll rain and it'll be melted away.

    You're wife will survive. She owns a pair of boots, right?

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    Replies
    1. That is SO funny, because that is EXACTLY what I said just before the whole shooting match shit the bed.

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  16. That's what my neighbors with tractors are for. They just appear and push my snow.

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    Replies
    1. That's what MY neighbor used to say. Until I fed my tractor a set of chains.

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  17. Thank you for the laugh this morning............no it's 1pm sp that should read this afternoon............

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    Replies
    1. I guess you don't have to worry about snow where you are, huh?
      Yet.

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  18. Replies
    1. You and me both.
      Except my dog's "yard apples" will defrost.

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  19. You are such a handy and helpful young man Al. Between installing a new toilet, and shoveling fresh increment, I'd say your sweet smelling too.
    Julie

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  20. Replies
    1. Oops. Yes. We'll stick with 'oops.' That way the kiddies can hear.

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  21. And for this, said wife didn't even give said young man a snowblower job?

    xoRobyn

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  22. I live in Singapore, where everyday is rainy and sunny. Before reading your post, I longed for snow. Not so much anymore ;)

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    Replies
    1. Oh...no...don't long for snow (hey, that rhymes).

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  23. Oh my Godzilla, I was like the only person hit by NEMO who forgot to bitch and post about it! I got slammed [but not in a sexy way... too bad] with 40" of frozen dreams. And yes, I wear goggles in the snow. I know how to accessorize like nobody's biz! Maybe when it gets nicer, or nastier here in New Hellven, I will post my weekend snaps. With goggles of course.
    Q: How many days can you get away with wearing the same jammies?
    A: three. then you stink.

    XOXOXO,
    vi

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    1. I got updates from my family in Wallingford and Guilford about the storm. Needless to say...like Hillary Clinton in a thong, it didn't look pretty. Hopefully, it's all pretty much cleaned up, because we're traveling there tomorrow to see my new great-nephew.

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    2. it's as good as it will be! hope you had fun- wish i read this sooner, we had 2 fun gallery events in westville [a neighborhood in town] where i was working... free champagne & chocolate. you & mrs. penwasser could've stopped in and said helloooo!

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    3. That would've been pretty neat. I drove through New Haven this morning and thought of you. Geez-a-lou, my sister had a ton of snow. Yeesh.
      NOTE: I drank beer last night.

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