Monday, January 21, 2013

Thanks, But No Thanks


AndroGel 1.62%
The 1.63% version failed laboratory trials on rabbits.
And Gary Coleman.
    In the final stretches of my bathroom project, I sat down this morning while waiting for my caulk to dry (NOTE:  things that sound dirty, but aren't).  During a commercial break for The View (don't judge me), I saw an advertisement for AndroGel 1.62% (the 1.7% version having failed tests on monkeys).

    Since it was hawking a way to increase my potency, I gave it a look.
    Turns out testosterone helps with:
-Growth and maturation of the prostate gland and other male sex organs
-Development of male hair distribution, such as facial hair
-Body muscle mass and strength and fat distribution
-Sex drive and sexual function
-Mood and energy level
-Bone strength (not that bone.  Although, I could be wrong...)
NOTE:  Okay, I should have learned all of this in my sex education classes.  But, they were taught by nuns.  Which totally skeeved me out.


Like two eggs in a sack

  As I watched a parade of energetic, confident men parade across my television screen (whoa, if that doesn't sound gay...!), I started to scratch around for something to write the number down.  While I'm no Hugh Hefner, I wanted to get a piece of that action (put the gay thing out of your head).  

  



    Eager to jot down the product information, I was brought up short by its possible side effects*
-In large doses, may cause lower sperm count
-Sleep apnea
-Blood clots in the legs; this can include pain, swelling, or redness of the legs
-High blood pressure
-Enlarged or painful breasts
-Mood swings
-Increase red blood cell count
-Skin irritation where the gel is applied
-Swelling of the ankles, feet, or body, with or without heart failure.  This may cause serious problems for people who have heart, kidney, or liver disease (not for nothing, I would think heart failure is a serious problem).
And my personal favorites...
-Signs and symptoms of an enlarged prostate gland (including changes in urination)
-Possible increased risk of prostate cancer

Further:
"What the frik!?
They told me it was Olay!"
-Women should avoid contact with AndroGel, as it may cause an unwanted increase in male sexual characteristics.  Oops, somebody shoulda told Chastity Bono.
-Children should likewise stay away from testosterone cream, as it may cause the early onset of puberty.  This may explain certain Little League players.
You can't smoke,
but you can operate heavy machinery.
-AndroGel is flammable until dry.  So, it's safer than gasoline.  I think.  

*verified on the AndroGel website

  As I weighed the advantages of a testosterone regimen over the disadvantages, I decided to leave well enough alone.  If God (or some other such mystical creator, to include George Burns) had wanted me to have the sex drive of a chia pet, hair sprouting from my ears, and the energy level of a clam, who am I to mess with things?
  In essence, thanks, but no thanks.
  Let's see what Whoopi's up to.


"No, really, I'm good.  And damn sexy."

39 comments:

  1. That oughta get you some fun spam comments for my contests...

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  2. Yeah. I'm thinking the side effects outweigh the good that could come from it. But could you imagine? It's flammable.... So much for the "after" cigarette.

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    Replies
    1. It would make setting yourself on fire that much easier.

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  3. I think that I'd like to give this a miss just like you in all honesty Al, the side effects sounds like they outweigh the positives.

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    Replies
    1. Yeah, that whole prostate cancer thing is a deal breaker.

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  4. Awww where's your sense of adventure, Al?

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  5. Well if it worked super well you could grow so much hair, take a picture of yourself and claim you caught bigfoot on camera, would be worth a buck or two haha

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    Replies
    1. My luck all that hair would come out as pubes.

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  6. It's hard to imagine why anyone would risk these side effects. I love the comment that it's safer than gasoline yet flammable when wet.

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    Replies
    1. Probably all be degrees.
      A couple hundred or so.

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  7. AAAAAhhhhh, so now we know how to be a star in one of those side show circus acts.

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    Replies
    1. I know. I was going to try swallowing swords. This sounds easier.
      But, there's still that prostate cancer thing.

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  8. I think you're really better off without it. Though I find it kind of odd that testosterone of all things enhances breast growth in men. Though I think you should consider buying it to prank the missus so one day she wakes up with a beard. There IS the risk of her growing some other things, but I think it's a risk worth taking.

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    Replies
    1. Enhancing breasts. What a rip-off. I thought estrogen did that.
      Then again, if it enhances breasts, who's to blame me if I slip it into Mrs. Penwasser's body wash. She can always shave excess hair.

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  9. A Chastity Bono reference- it's been too long.
    I saw an ad for that and it made me think of an episode of House where the father used it to keep up with the young nanny and ... well it was House.

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    1. I've been avoiding any Bono references. It doesn't seem fair to bust on someone with real issues. But, I just couldn't keep the sophomoric gagster bottled up inside any longer.
      Wonder if you're the only one who noticed...?

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  10. I should of read you post before I applied a whole tube to my chest and genitals.

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    Replies
    1. As long as you don't smoke, you're probably okay.

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  11. I'll give The View credit, they do nab some of the best guests you'd imagine for morning TV.

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  12. Uh... Yeah, I'm going to keep enjoying being young and hope that science comes up with something better in the future.

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    Replies
    1. I'll just grow old gracefully. I can go bald, have my willy fail, sprout mooring lines from my nose, or lose control of bodily functions at the most inopportune times. As long as I still have my mind, I'll...uh...um...who are you? And why am I wearing my pants on my head?

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  13. Something with THAT many side effects should really be banned in my opinion. That goes with all that those other meds like Cialis, Mirena, Lyrica, Cymbalta...etc. I think the side effects are worse than having the actual ailment! I'll deal with the ailment.

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    Replies
    1. And I'm telling you, if a product can cause a four hour boner, I'll just have to pass.

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  14. "I started to scratch around for something". . .
    The thought of you, in the bathroom?, watching strapping men and scratching around for something. Hmmmm.
    You're, um, ...
    Nuts.

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  15. I surprised it can make a man's tits big. Does it increase their milk supply too? How about experimenting by rubbing it on a safe area of your body?

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    Replies
    1. It also makes a man watch 'The View' and...
      uh, oh.

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  16. What can I say but bloody hell those side effects sound aweful who would use such a product after hearing/reading those side effects....
    idiots that's who just in case you didn't already know the answer

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    1. I gotta tell you, I was amazed when I heard the litany of possible side effects. Trust me when I tell you, I didn't make any of them up (I realize that's probably hard to believe). I looked at their website to check. No way I take that crap.

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  17. That was too funny! If shiz like this really worked, wouldn't they be talking about it on the news? I wonder what would happen if the cream was only applied to the nether regions? Would all those side effects (good and bad) only happen to your little friend?

    A long time ago I went to the Dr. and asked if he could give me something for my low sex drive. He told me that my testosterone level was fine and that was main problem was my wardrobe and bad haircut...

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  18. I hate the View - a bunch of narcissistic women, flinging their hair back and interrupting each other to make stupid comments. It used to be an intellectual show. But I won't judge you. In fact, I'm going to start watching it, so I can see that delicious looking parade. Thanks for telling me about this AndroGel crap, Al.

    xoRobyn

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    Replies
    1. And crap it be.
      But, The View has Joy Behar.
      And crap it be.

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  19. I saw one of those ads yesterday. Always make me wonder with these prescription drug ads--the side effects sound ten times worse than whatever it is you're treating!

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    1. I'm convinced that I would NEVER use these things. If the time comes when I have the libido of Play-Doh, then so be it.

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