Thanks, But No Thanks

AndroGel 1.62%
The 1.63% version failed laboratory trials on rabbits.
And Gary Coleman.

    In the final stretches of my bathroom project, I sat down this morning while waiting for my caulk to dry (NOTE:  things that sound dirty, but aren't).  During a commercial break for The View (don't judge me), I saw an advertisement for AndroGel 1.62% (the 1.7% version having failed tests on monkeys).

    Since it was hawking a way to increase my potency, I gave it a look.
    Turns out testosterone helps with:
-Growth and maturation of the prostate gland and other male sex organs
-Development of male hair distribution, such as facial hair
-Body muscle mass and strength and fat distribution
-Sex drive and sexual function
-Mood and energy level
-Bone strength (not that bone.  Although, I could be wrong...)
NOTE:  Okay, I should have learned all of this in my sex education classes.  But, they were taught by nuns.  Which totally skeeved me out.

Like two eggs in a sack

  As I watched a parade of energetic, confident men parade across my television screen (whoa, if that doesn't sound gay...!), I started to scratch around for something to write the number down.  While I'm no Hugh Hefner, I wanted to get a piece of that action (put the gay thing out of your head).  

  



    Eager to jot down the product information, I was brought up short by its possible side effects*
-In large doses, may cause lower sperm count
-Sleep apnea
-Blood clots in the legs; this can include pain, swelling, or redness of the legs
-High blood pressure
-Enlarged or painful breasts
-Mood swings
-Increase red blood cell count
-Skin irritation where the gel is applied
-Swelling of the ankles, feet, or body, with or without heart failure.  This may cause serious problems for people who have heart, kidney, or liver disease (not for nothing, I would think heart failure is a serious problem).
And my personal favorites...
-Signs and symptoms of an enlarged prostate gland (including changes in urination)
-Possible increased risk of prostate cancer

Further:

"What the frik!?
They told me it was Olay!"

-Women should avoid contact with AndroGel, as it may cause an unwanted increase in male sexual characteristics.  Oops, somebody shoulda told Chastity Bono.
-Children should likewise stay away from testosterone cream, as it may cause the early onset of puberty.  This may explain certain Little League players.

You can't smoke,
but you can operate heavy machinery.

-AndroGel is flammable until dry.  So, it's safer than gasoline.  I think.  

*verified on the AndroGel website

  As I weighed the advantages of a testosterone regimen over the disadvantages, I decided to leave well enough alone.  If God (or some other such mystical creator, to include George Burns) had wanted me to have the sex drive of a chia pet, hair sprouting from my ears, and the energy level of a clam, who am I to mess with things?
  In essence, thanks, but no thanks.
  Let's see what Whoopi's up to.

"No, really, I'm good.  And damn sexy."