Tuesday, January 8, 2013

A Venti By Any Other Name


You can soak your pots and pans here.
Can't take a bath, though.
Unless you're a midget.
Or David Spade.

  The kitchen is very nearly complete. 
     As of today, we have a sink, and thank goodness for that.  It got a little tedious soaking our pots and pans in the bathtub.  Especially when someone was using it.  We had to be extra careful rinsing them off, too, because even the smallest amount of Mr. Bubble left on dinnerware can give you the runs.  Anyway, everything should be wrapped up by Wednesday.  I’ll then take a few “before and after” (the before shots have already been taken...duh) pictures because I won’t feel like writing anything know you’ll be interested.

    The following is a repost, sort of.  I can just hear you saying, “Awww, come on, Al!  December was full of tiresome reruns!  For all the money Blogger pays you, you need to be writing original stuff!” 

    But, honestly, it’s not like I'm foisting another one of those warmed-over holiday nightmares on you.

    Instead of being a repeat of a post I wrote, this is  actually a repeat of a comment I made on The Hospitable Scots Bachelor's October 19th blog.  So, since he only has 12 followers, you’ve probably never read it.
"If we want to call a Small a Tall, we will.
We're Starbucks.
Eff you."
    Scots was talking about your favorite coffee establishment and mine, the pretentious Starbucks.  I commented on his post and, as I sometimes do, got carried away.  As I looked at it, I thought it might make a quick post here all on its own.

"If you soak that hot dog overnight,
you might be able to get through it."
    I usually prefer getting my coffee at a Wawa (for those who don’t know, it’s like a clean 7-Eleven where the clerks’ first language is English), Dunkin’ Donuts, or Yum Yum Donut shoppe.

"Hmm, maybe getting that doctorate
in Womens Studies wasn't a good career choice."
    But, while in Target for Mrs. Penwasser’s initial Christmas shopping ecstasy (before Halloween, mind you), I decided I’d rather get a cup of coffee than die a little death in the Young Misses section.  Since that particular store had a Starbucks kiosk, I figured what harmc ould come from stopping by? 

    “I’ll have a Large coffee.”
    “You mean a Venti?”
    “What’s a Venti?”
    “It’s a Large coffee.”
    “Why can’t I just say ‘Large’?”
    “Because we’re Starbucks.”
    “What?  That’s frikkin’ stupid!”
    “Well, sir, Starbucks doesn’t have Large coffees.  We have Ventis.”
    “Why?”
    “Because for every time we say Venti, we send a penny to the rainforest.”
    “What???”
    “Right to the rainforest.”
    “Which rainforest?”
    “Any rainforest will do.  Although October is Amazon Month here at Starbucks.”
    “You’re putting me on.”
"Tell you what. We scrape up 
enough pennies, we're getting a couple shirts. 
And a pair of pants for you."
    “No, sir.  We just wrap a penny up and send it straight to Brazil.  Not really sure what they do with it, but you can be sure it’s for a good cause.”
    “Sigh...okay, give me a Venti coffee.”
    “What flavor?”
    “What flavor!?  Don’t you just have regular coffee?”
    “I thought you said you wanted a Venti, sir.  Our regular coffees are called Tall and our mediums are called Grande.  So, if you w...”
    “Whoa, whoa, whoa, doesn’t Grande mean Large?”
    “That’s only in Spanish-speaking countries, sir.  We’re based in Seattle.”
    “Well, that isn’t what I meant, anyway.  I meant all I wanted was your basic coffee.  You have choices?’
    “Oh, yes, sir.  We have Dark Roast, Extra Rich, Brazilian, Hazelnut, French Vanilla, Vanilla Ice, Jamaican Monkey Blend, Espresso, Australian Beaver Cheese, Mango Twist, Chinese Green Tea Coffee, Mocha Orgasm, Kona, Peruvian, Colombian, Mango Twist, Folgers...”
    “Wait...what???  You made that up!”
    “Which part, sir?”
    “That part about Australian Beaver Cheese.”
    “No, sir.  Beavers are well known coffee drinkers.”
    “Says who?”
    “People.”
"I don't get me some frikkin' Joe,
that whole lodge and dam are coming down.
And then we'll see who's sorry."
    “Which people?”
    “Beaver people.”
    “And the cheese...?”
    “Same people, sir.”
    “Well, yewww, I don’t want that.  Give me Dark Roast.”
    “Decaf, half caffe, third of a calf, full body, skinny, latte swirl, 10W 40, straight up...?”
    SLAM!!!!!
    “Sir?  Sir??  Crap, Lost another one to Dunkin’ Donuts.  Wonder if it was something I said?”

    Okay, now, please go visit The Hospitable Scots Bachelor and tell him I sent you.  He hasn't written anything since November 8th, so maybe he’ll write something new.  Unless he's dead.  Now that wouldn't be very hospitable.

46 comments:

  1. You crack me up! I just got my free birthday coffee at Starbucks yesterday (they give you a month to claim it). I am fortunate in that my husband has a customer who gives us $100 Starbucks card every Christmas. It usually will last us until about September.

    Now I'll go check out The Hospitable Scots Bachelor.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Truth be told, I actually like Starbucks. But, when I order coffee, I say, "I'd like a LARGE coffee. You heard me, I said LARGE."

      Delete
  2. howdy al, and good morning to you.
    i don't think i'd know how to order coffee at starbucks either. i've only ever had scalded milk there.
    aren't you happy that your kitchen is almost done? yay!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. All that's left is for the grout to dry on the splashback tiles. To look at it, the kitchen looks done. But, I'm going to wait until tomorrow to pronounce "Fin."

      Delete
  3. "...rather get a cup of coffee than die a little death inthe Young Misses section..."
    Ah-ha-ha-ha. :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. ESPECIALLY the Young Misses UNDERWEAR section.
      AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!

      Delete
  4. "Rather get a cup of coffee than die a slow death in the young misses section."
    Ah-ha-ha-haaaaa"
    :)

    ReplyDelete
  5. I get a venti coffee every working day. :-)

    Plain. With room.

    I'm too afraid to order anything else.

    Pearl

    ReplyDelete
  6. I just go with black, the rest cause me too much flack haha never knew that about mr. bubble either, good fact to know.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Mr. Bubble
      gives you trouble
      when soap film's on your plate.
      Cuz, instead of farting,
      there's often sharting.
      And me wearing white pants...
      Oh.....GREAT!

      Delete
  7. My friend, Marilyn, who I post about, has suffered the same thing with Starbuck-speak. I rarely drink coffee but she was also telling me of the strange lingo.
    How dare they post a photo of my boobs!!!! Well what did you expect of an 83 year old? Pointy Marilyn Monroe????

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Porn AND coffee?
      Screw Dunkin' Donuts.

      Delete
    2. OMG did I write that? That is what happens when I cleanse. I get a natural silly.

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    3. When I cleanse, I can't move away from the bathroom more than ten feet or so.

      Delete
  8. Man, I can't believe you passed up the chance to taste some Australian Beaver. Oh yeah, it had cheese on it. Whatever, it still sounds good.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Eatin' beaver.....
      What was I thinking?

      Delete
  9. My old kitchen used to have ugly and amateur applied green paint all over the cabinets. Not a fun couple of years.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The 70s had that effect on furnishings and fashion.

      Delete
  10. Great stuff. I will send a penny to the Beaver People.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That's fantastic.
      Because that dude could really use a pair of trousers.

      Delete
  11. Given what I know of Starschmucks that could really be a genuine conversation with one of the mechanoids that works there.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. They are all highly educated.
      Not in math, science, engineering, medicine, etc. though.

      Delete
  12. This post really made me laugh Al, sometimes even a trip to Starbucks can't be simple although I do love their coffees. Good luck finishing off this kitchen too, I'm sure you've done a great job with it my friend.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The grout needs to dry and-voila!-time to start work on the bathroom.

      Delete
  13. Never go to a store that has bucks in it's name.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. But they sell deer nuts. They're tasty AND cheap. HOW cheap, you ask?
      They're under a buck.

      Delete
  14. Thanks for the laugh today, that was awesome. I wish you'd gotten the monkey blend though. I'm so curious now but can bare the thought of going near that place either!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I just couldn't shake the thought of a monkee flinging poo, though.

      Delete
  15. Mango Twist??? This is why I don't drink coffee.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's full of vitamin C. Or something. I think.

      Delete
  16. I just go to Tim Horton's. It's cheap and it's Canadian.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I really like Tim Horton's. And not just because of the doughnuts.
      Okay, it has a LOT to do with the doughnuts, eh?

      Delete
  17. I don't like Starbucks, mostly because they turned my local 24 hour beer, tobacco and sweet shop into one. Also, they don't have enough caffeine in their drinks to make a cat twitch...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That's a shame they did that. I've found that, whenever a national chain monkeys with a Mom & Pop establishment, they usually dork it up (and get wayyyyy over-priced).

      Delete
  18. Starbucks pretty much went broke here in Aus. Probably because we couldn't understand them

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. They didn't sell enough Australian Beaver Cheese coffee.

      Delete
  19. I have to admit that I am a Starbuck's addict. But the first step is admitting that you have a problem, right?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. No, no, Starbucks sells some good stuff. But, I refuse to call it anything other than what it is. I don't need any fancy-schmancy French or Italian terms to order a cuppa Joe.

      Delete
  20. OK now I have to share my own coffee story. . . years ago, like 1990, I worked in a sales office in San Francisco. My father, then a portly gentleman of near 60, was visiting from Chicago. When he came to my office, our receptionist offered him a cup of coffee. "Would you like Hazelnut or French Vanilla?" she asked nicely. "French Vanilla?! Doncha have any regular coffee for Chrissake?"

    She gave him folgers instant and he enjoyed it. The mean old man.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I absolutely ABHOR any coffee which isn't straight up regular coffee. French Vanilla, Hazelnut, et.al. make me gag. Plus, I always drink it black. I think that has a lot to do with my first ship tour in 1977 (oh...my...goodness...I am that frikkin' old). Sodas (if you could get them) went for $5.00 a can. Warm. The reason I drink it black is I remember the time insects got into our sugar and I remember how one of the technicians in my shop showed me that powdered creamer is flammable.
      So...
      The weird thing? Mrs. Penwasser is the only girl I met who drinks her coffee black, as well.

      Delete
  21. Nice to find your blog! I'm from Seattle, the land of coffee and the home of Starbucks, and I don't care for it much. When I do feel like coffee, I don't go to Starbucks...too many other good micro coffee establishments here. Can relate to the kitchen situation, just had ours done!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Welcome to the nuthouse. As I said in a previous comment, I like Starbucks. I can do without the pretentious "Venti" nonsense, though. Still, their coffee is better than a brown crayon dipped in hot water.

      Delete
  22. I live vicariously through your blog, Al. I can't wait to see the pictures of your kitchen, yes, seriously. We had redone our kitchen and less than two years later PCS'd - NOOOO!!! Now I'm stuck with a 1970's kitchen but have wicked awesome black and silver appliances LMAO!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I took the "after" picture ten minutes ago. In about 30 minutes, we'll have a final walk-through. It really looks nice. Too bad we won't be able to afford to put food in it!

      Delete
  23. I thought that guy in line next to me looked like a hyped up beaver. Very funny Al! I like your curvy double sink, and pretty countertops.
    Julie

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