Thursday, January 31, 2013

Facebook Funnies XXXIII

"Lookit all these damn busses heading to the casinos!  I'm never
gonna make it to Wang's Chinese New Year party in time.  Smart car,
my ass!"

Monday, January 28, 2013

They Make EVERYthing

You mean to tell me we can't even make these here?

To be honest, though, the people who placed the order thought they were getting something to relieve menstrual pains.

Think about it.

Saturday, January 26, 2013

For the Recluse in the Family

Now we know how Howard Hughes spent his time

NOTE:  Also works if nobody can stand to be around your stanky behind.

Thursday, January 24, 2013

Facebook Funnies XXXII

Can you blow my whistle baby, whistle baby

Here we go

I don't know about you, but I think I'm going to Argentina

Monday, January 21, 2013

Thanks, But No Thanks

AndroGel 1.62%
The 1.63% version failed laboratory trials on rabbits.
And Gary Coleman.
    In the final stretches of my bathroom project, I sat down this morning while waiting for my caulk to dry (NOTE:  things that sound dirty, but aren't).  During a commercial break for The View (don't judge me), I saw an advertisement for AndroGel 1.62% (the 1.7% version having failed tests on monkeys).

    Since it was hawking a way to increase my potency, I gave it a look.
    Turns out testosterone helps with:
-Growth and maturation of the prostate gland and other male sex organs
-Development of male hair distribution, such as facial hair
-Body muscle mass and strength and fat distribution
-Sex drive and sexual function
-Mood and energy level
-Bone strength (not that bone.  Although, I could be wrong...)
NOTE:  Okay, I should have learned all of this in my sex education classes.  But, they were taught by nuns.  Which totally skeeved me out.

Like two eggs in a sack

  As I watched a parade of energetic, confident men parade across my television screen (whoa, if that doesn't sound gay...!), I started to scratch around for something to write the number down.  While I'm no Hugh Hefner, I wanted to get a piece of that action (put the gay thing out of your head).  


    Eager to jot down the product information, I was brought up short by its possible side effects*
-In large doses, may cause lower sperm count
-Sleep apnea
-Blood clots in the legs; this can include pain, swelling, or redness of the legs
-High blood pressure
-Enlarged or painful breasts
-Mood swings
-Increase red blood cell count
-Skin irritation where the gel is applied
-Swelling of the ankles, feet, or body, with or without heart failure.  This may cause serious problems for people who have heart, kidney, or liver disease (not for nothing, I would think heart failure is a serious problem).
And my personal favorites...
-Signs and symptoms of an enlarged prostate gland (including changes in urination)
-Possible increased risk of prostate cancer

"What the frik!?
They told me it was Olay!"
-Women should avoid contact with AndroGel, as it may cause an unwanted increase in male sexual characteristics.  Oops, somebody shoulda told Chastity Bono.
-Children should likewise stay away from testosterone cream, as it may cause the early onset of puberty.  This may explain certain Little League players.
You can't smoke,
but you can operate heavy machinery.
-AndroGel is flammable until dry.  So, it's safer than gasoline.  I think.  

*verified on the AndroGel website

  As I weighed the advantages of a testosterone regimen over the disadvantages, I decided to leave well enough alone.  If God (or some other such mystical creator, to include George Burns) had wanted me to have the sex drive of a chia pet, hair sprouting from my ears, and the energy level of a clam, who am I to mess with things?
  In essence, thanks, but no thanks.
  Let's see what Whoopi's up to.

"No, really, I'm good.  And damn sexy."

Sunday, January 20, 2013

Today's Moment of Misogyny

I am glad.

But, it wasn't necessary.

You may have to watch it on You Tube, but you get my point.
Men are pigs.

Friday, January 18, 2013

I've Been Reading....

...that some people have been having trouble posting pictures on Blogger.

Huh.  I didn't have any trouble uploading this picture of Madonna.


Thursday, January 17, 2013

Facebook Funnies XXXI

In view of the fact that the "Cossack-to-Babushka" ratio at the Smolensk Happy Samovar Retirement Home was a depressing 50:1, Boris Heyoosunovuhbich decided to see if he could get lucky with the statuary on the grounds.

Considering that Boris faithfully adhered to the facility's "No Tongues" policy, administrators
decided against telling him he was canoodling a bust of a dead dude.

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Who Knew?

  I didn't know this denomination existed.  

  Did you?

  Imagine plunking this down next to a coffee and a bear claw at the 7-Eleven.  

  Then asking, "Can you break this?"

"Oh, sure, everyone knows who Washington, Lincoln, Jackson, Grant, and Franklin are.  But, do you think anyone knows who the hell I am?  And I started a war.  'Course, the British burned Washington, D.C. down during that war, but hey, Franklin wasn't even a frikkin' president.  And he was fat."

  Then again, the way things are going in Washington, we may see a $5,000 cup of coffee by year's end.

  Okay, back to the bathroom.  Tile's not gonna lay itself you know.

On a personal note, it's good to know that something's getting laid around here.

Sunday, January 13, 2013

At It Again

    Well, even though you'd think I would have learned my lesson, I decided to update the Master Bathroom (NOTE:  Calling it a "Master" Bathroom makes me sound a lot more important than I am.  But, I gotta think advertising that a house has a "Flunky" Bathroom wouldn't work all that well).
Bathroom:  12 Jan
Weight scale for show only.
    So, for the next week (or six months), I'll once again see how handy I am with tools (beside my own). However, unlike my kitchen adventure, I'll be doing much more than demolishing the whole shooting match and waiting for professionals to come fix it.
    This time, I'm tearing it down and building it back up.  The advantage to going about it this way is that I'll save a lot of money doing it myself and I'll get the satisfaction of a job well done (or a job "what the frik do you want, it's not like I do this for a living, you know!").  Hell, I'd settle for "good enough." 

    The DISadvantage is that I could seriously eff things up...or kill myself.  Plus, I'm removing our toilet for the time being.  Better eat a lot of cheese or I'm in serious trouble.
    Another disadvantage is that my time will be at a premium for the next several days (or six months).  Hence (NOTE:  Fancy word which rhymes with 'fence.'), I won't be able to write as much or, more importantly, read your blogs as much as I'd like.
Bathroom:  13 Jan
NOTE:  Toilet is gone.
Wonder if that other one is still on the curb?
    I'll limit my time to the couple of hours after I get home from work.  Then, after supper, off to see if I can avoid cutting any appendages off.
Me:  13 Jan
Home ownership blows
Tragically, the street toilet is gone.
Damn Homeowners Association
      So, once more, wish me luck.  I'll see you as much as I can until the job is done!

Friday, January 11, 2013


Kitchen:  18 Nov 12
We wanted to update our island, cabinets, dishwasher, sink, ceramic tile, stove, refrigerator, microwave
Kitchen: 10 Jan 13
Let's see...island, cabinets, dishwasher, sink, ceramic tile, stove, refrigerator, microwave...heyyyyyy, what the frik...!?
  Yesterday, the good people from the Lowe's Home Installation team pronounced my kitchen a go.  Meaning, after one month, the destruction and subsequent construction has been completed in the Penwasser family kitchen.
Kitchen: 24 Nov 12
At this point, I began to wonder
why we wanted a new floor.
And if I could get away with
gluing all those pieces back.
Kitchen:  9 Dec 12
Tile up, cement board up, man down.
Waiting for the ambulance.
    Bashing my hands numb from ripping up (what I thought was perfectly good) ceramic tile, having to pick up my testicles after hauling old cabinets around the house, finding dust everywhere, blowing unspeakable things from my nose despite wearing a face mask (see: dust), crippling myself after scrabbling around on cement board, soaking my pots in the bathtub because we had no sink, marveling as I discovered that my fingers are no match for a demolition hammer, destroying a section of wood flooring when I slid the refrigerator over it (Mrs. Penwasser: not amused), playing a thrilling game of "What's That Smell?" (SOMEbody forgot to empty the refrigerator of cheese.  Once more, Mrs. Penwasser:  not amused), all culminated in the new kitchen's ultimate test:
A dropped jar of pickles is no match for new ceramic tile.
You'd think I'd feel like this, but no...
I feel more like this.  
Someday, we hope to be able to buy food.

Okay.  Who wants to kiss a bunny between the ears?
(Sheesh, I haven't said that since Junior High.  Well, at least I still have my sense of humor).

Now, it's on to the bathroom!!!!
Or the Emergency Room.

Thursday, January 10, 2013

Facebook Funnies XXX

"What the...awwwwww, crap!  Why did I pick this seat?  Now I can't
see what the frik is going on in Twilight-Breaking Dawn. the
 chick a werewolf?  Or a vampire?  Stupid Melon Head Nancy!"

Tuesday, January 8, 2013

A Venti By Any Other Name

You can soak your pots and pans here.
Can't take a bath, though.
Unless you're a midget.
Or David Spade.

  The kitchen is very nearly complete. 
     As of today, we have a sink, and thank goodness for that.  It got a little tedious soaking our pots and pans in the bathtub.  Especially when someone was using it.  We had to be extra careful rinsing them off, too, because even the smallest amount of Mr. Bubble left on dinnerware can give you the runs.  Anyway, everything should be wrapped up by Wednesday.  I’ll then take a few “before and after” (the before shots have already been taken...duh) pictures because I won’t feel like writing anything know you’ll be interested.

    The following is a repost, sort of.  I can just hear you saying, “Awww, come on, Al!  December was full of tiresome reruns!  For all the money Blogger pays you, you need to be writing original stuff!” 

    But, honestly, it’s not like I'm foisting another one of those warmed-over holiday nightmares on you.

    Instead of being a repeat of a post I wrote, this is  actually a repeat of a comment I made on The Hospitable Scots Bachelor's October 19th blog.  So, since he only has 12 followers, you’ve probably never read it.
"If we want to call a Small a Tall, we will.
We're Starbucks.
Eff you."
    Scots was talking about your favorite coffee establishment and mine, the pretentious Starbucks.  I commented on his post and, as I sometimes do, got carried away.  As I looked at it, I thought it might make a quick post here all on its own.

"If you soak that hot dog overnight,
you might be able to get through it."
    I usually prefer getting my coffee at a Wawa (for those who don’t know, it’s like a clean 7-Eleven where the clerks’ first language is English), Dunkin’ Donuts, or Yum Yum Donut shoppe.

"Hmm, maybe getting that doctorate
in Womens Studies wasn't a good career choice."
    But, while in Target for Mrs. Penwasser’s initial Christmas shopping ecstasy (before Halloween, mind you), I decided I’d rather get a cup of coffee than die a little death in the Young Misses section.  Since that particular store had a Starbucks kiosk, I figured what harmc ould come from stopping by? 

    “I’ll have a Large coffee.”
    “You mean a Venti?”
    “What’s a Venti?”
    “It’s a Large coffee.”
    “Why can’t I just say ‘Large’?”
    “Because we’re Starbucks.”
    “What?  That’s frikkin’ stupid!”
    “Well, sir, Starbucks doesn’t have Large coffees.  We have Ventis.”
    “Because for every time we say Venti, we send a penny to the rainforest.”
    “Right to the rainforest.”
    “Which rainforest?”
    “Any rainforest will do.  Although October is Amazon Month here at Starbucks.”
    “You’re putting me on.”
"Tell you what. We scrape up 
enough pennies, we're getting a couple shirts. 
And a pair of pants for you."
    “No, sir.  We just wrap a penny up and send it straight to Brazil.  Not really sure what they do with it, but you can be sure it’s for a good cause.”
    “Sigh...okay, give me a Venti coffee.”
    “What flavor?”
    “What flavor!?  Don’t you just have regular coffee?”
    “I thought you said you wanted a Venti, sir.  Our regular coffees are called Tall and our mediums are called Grande.  So, if you w...”
    “Whoa, whoa, whoa, doesn’t Grande mean Large?”
    “That’s only in Spanish-speaking countries, sir.  We’re based in Seattle.”
    “Well, that isn’t what I meant, anyway.  I meant all I wanted was your basic coffee.  You have choices?’
    “Oh, yes, sir.  We have Dark Roast, Extra Rich, Brazilian, Hazelnut, French Vanilla, Vanilla Ice, Jamaican Monkey Blend, Espresso, Australian Beaver Cheese, Mango Twist, Chinese Green Tea Coffee, Mocha Orgasm, Kona, Peruvian, Colombian, Mango Twist, Folgers...”
    “Wait...what???  You made that up!”
    “Which part, sir?”
    “That part about Australian Beaver Cheese.”
    “No, sir.  Beavers are well known coffee drinkers.”
    “Says who?”
"I don't get me some frikkin' Joe,
that whole lodge and dam are coming down.
And then we'll see who's sorry."
    “Which people?”
    “Beaver people.”
    “And the cheese...?”
    “Same people, sir.”
    “Well, yewww, I don’t want that.  Give me Dark Roast.”
    “Decaf, half caffe, third of a calf, full body, skinny, latte swirl, 10W 40, straight up...?”
    “Sir?  Sir??  Crap, Lost another one to Dunkin’ Donuts.  Wonder if it was something I said?”

    Okay, now, please go visit The Hospitable Scots Bachelor and tell him I sent you.  He hasn't written anything since November 8th, so maybe he’ll write something new.  Unless he's dead.  Now that wouldn't be very hospitable.

Sunday, January 6, 2013

I Guess This Product Sucks

"Up front."  Hee...hee...hee.  I get it.

This product leaves me at a loss for words.

Still, it causes me to wonder whether if, instead of being the neighborhood perv, Jimmie Schwartz wasn't a mad genius who was ahead of his time.
"Blow.  It's just a figure of speech."

Saturday, January 5, 2013

Victoria's Secret

"There's a midget under me bloomers."

Thursday, January 3, 2013

Facebook Funnies XXIX

"You mean Fifty Shades of Grey doesn't have pictures?  Noooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Tuesday, January 1, 2013

It's a Tradition

Every New Year's Eve, I drink a bottle of wine and wait to see which will drop first: me or the ball in Times Square.

Ball won again

Happy New Year, everyone!