Thursday, August 30, 2012

Facebook Funnies XII

"So, Abe, you've freed the slaves, made Amish beards cool again, and won the Civil War.  What are you gonna do now?"
"Think I'll take in a play." 




Too bad Disney Appomattox was never finished.  Imagine how the history of the country would have turned out if he had something else to do besides go see a sucky play.  Or ducked.

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Back at Work

Yes, I used this shot after I got the results of my prostate check.
Feelings are the same, though.

  As you read this, I'm sitting in front of the television, cereal bowl in my lap and cup of coffee to my right.  The dog has been let out and the bed made.  I've shaved, showered, and (after a momentary lapse of concentration) am fully dressed.  

  Mrs. Penwasser, accustomed to silence these past few months, now has to share the air with me as I complain about the morning news, make rude noises, and prattle on about how tough it is to have to get up at 5:30 in the morning again.
  
  But, even though I can't surf for porn read Newsmax past midnight anymore, I'm filled with elation.
  
  I'm going to be a productive member of society again!  Fridays will mean something to me again!  And...okay...Monday mornings, too.  But, hey, Fridays!
  
  Of course, on the downside, I won't be able to spend hours on Blogger, Facebook, Twitter, Yahoo, or Hotmail.   I won't be able to read your blogs as much as I have nor will I be able to comment in as speedy a fashion as I've done since June.  
  
  You won't benefit from the wisdom of my convictions, insight, and observations nearly as expeditiously as before.
  
  Oops.  I said that was a downside, didn't I?

Sunday, August 26, 2012

Saturday, August 25, 2012

I'm Just Wondrin'

NOTE:  The following is a repost (nice word for "rerun").  Since I'm in Southwest Virginia helping my son move into his apartment for his third year of college, I didn't have time to write anything new (NOTE IN A NOTE:  Have I mentioned that 'Delayed Posting' rocks?).  But, luckily, from the looks of the comments, none of you have read this (even Sherilin).  So, it may have sucked back then.  Which means...it may suck now.  In any case, though, it's new to you.  Meaning...I could have avoided telling you that it was a rerun.  And you would have continued to think I was a wicked prodigious writer.  Oh...crap.
Enjoy. 

Unleaded.  Arm and a Leg.  Are You Frikkin' Kidding Me?

When the self-serve feature on the gas pump asks you to "Remove Card Quickly"....

How "quickly" is "quickly"?  Will it work if you tease the gas pump and remove it "slowly"?  Is there such a thing as too "quickly"?  Can you shove the card back in for a brief second and then pull it out "quickly"?

I pretty much think all of the above is a metaphor for my sex life.  No WONDER the attendant gives me the evil eye each time I drive up.

I'm just sayin'...

Since you made it this far, I feel compelled to share a few pictures with you.  These have been hanging around my computer's Desktop for quite some time.  I'm not sure why I downloaded them.  Maybe for the A-Z Challenge...?  Anyway, here they are.  Maybe you can figure out why they're here.

This picture of Hugh Jackman-can I call you Wolverine?-was downloaded as a sop to my female followers.  I felt I owed them some "eye candy."  But, I think I posted a picture of Shemar Moore, instead.  For that, you're welcome.

I'm really not sure why I downloaded this, either.  Although, with a name like The Thing, I bet the post was going to be of a sexual nature.



I know why I had this.  Remember my post on Yoga for the A-Z Challenge?  Sure you do (lying's acceptable).  I just ran out of room to describe old Olympics sports, like Tug-of-War.  I just thought that pigeon shooting thing was funnier.

I also know why I downloaded this.  I was going to write a post about places like Sheetz, those food marts/gas stations which you see along our nation's highways.  Along with road kill, pieces of tires, and motorists pretending to look at their tire while they're urinating.

Ditto Wawa.  Both Wawa and Sheetz are a lot like 7-Eleven.  Although cleaner, they all sell mummified hot dogs.


Peeps.  Multi-colored Peeps.  Which rot your teeth.


Yoo-hoo.  My original entry for 'Y' in the A-Z Challenge.  Until it was supplanted by Yoga.

??????????????????
I may have been drinking.




Okay, gotta run.  I need to find out where all that banjo music is coming from.  Then, maybe I'll go get a hot dog from Sheetz.

Thursday, August 23, 2012

Facebook Funnies XI

"C'mon, boys!  There's a sale on lingerie at Le Macy's and I need a bra!  Who's with me?
And, hey...you in the hat?  Quit staring at my boobs."

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

You Can Call Me Al



Why post this?  Because I can.

I heard this while shopping at Walmart and it made me laugh.

Apparently, there's more to that store than fart clouds in the frozen foods section, things made in China, and transvestites.

Not a whole lot more.  But more.
He must work out.

NOTE:  If you want to watch this, you have to go to You Tube.  Which is kind of a pain in the crack.  Sorry.  Speaking of a pain in the crack, I hope that dude isn't wearing a thong.

Saturday, August 18, 2012

Women Are From Venus, Men Don't Speak Venetian



Actually, Commodus, it's "Am I not beautiful?", but since you can have me covered in tar and set on fire, it's all good.  Hey, wait a minute.  You've been dead almost 2,000 years.  Up yours.

Wow, that was pretty random, huh?  Anyway...  

FULL DISCLOSURE:  This conversation actually took place at the end of May.  And Mrs. Penwasser is beautiful.  She just has a disturbingly questionable taste in men.


NOTE:  Incidentally, I realize I was channeling my inner Lou Gehrig in the following.  See if you can find where!  Win valuable prizes!  Well, not really.


    “Happy Anniversary!  On our wedding day, I considered myself the luckiest man on the face of this earth.  You were absolutely beautiful.”
    “What do you mean I was beautiful?”
    “I...uh...no...um...”
    “Am I not beautiful now!?”
    “No, ahhhh.....yes!!  What I meant to say was...”
    “Oh, just because I’m not some hottie-who wasn’t even legal to drink champagne at her own wedding, mind you-you think I’m a hag now?  Is that it!?

    NOTE:  She also had a nice rack and a cool car.  But, I digress.

    “No, wait!  That’s not it at all!  You were beautiful.  You’re still beautiful.  Much more beautiful than I deser...aw, c’mon, where are you going?  Not upstairs, I had plans for tonight and...”

    SLAM!!!!

    “ So I guess this means no sex tonight...?”

"Be honest.
Does this crown make my butt look big?"
    Seriously, ladies-and I think I speak for most males of my gender-there’s just no talking to you people sometimes.

    Don’t get me wrong.  I’m so very grateful you’re with us.  Because, the alternative to a world without women is cozying up to someone with five o’clock shadow.

    And, while that may work for some dudes (both in and out of prison), the only man I’ll allow to touch “Little Al and the Twins” is me.

    In essence, I like women. 

    Now that we got that out of the way...

    When Mrs. Penwasser cooled down the next week, I tried to wield my manly staff of logic (NOTE:  double entendre intended).
    “Remember when I said you were beautiful when we got married?”
    As the temperature in the room dipped, threatening to deflate said staff of logic, she said, “Yes...?”
    “Well, when you married me, would it be fair to say that I was short?”
    “Yes.”
    “And would it also be fair to say that I am still short?”
    “Yes.”
    “So, it’s the same thing.  You were beautiful and you’re still beautiful!  Nothing has changed!”
    Not sure she bought it.
    “So, can we have sex now?”
    SLAM!!!!

    Epilogue:  Directly after this conversation, I began to ponder just how different my life would have been had I been taller.  Goodness knows I had nothing else to do that night.

Don't make fun of his height, though.
He'll molest your sofa.
And frighten black women.
    Sure, there are some very successful men who are vertically challenged.  Take Mel Gibson and Tom Cruise, for example.

    But, they’re crazy.

    Well, Gary Cooper was short.

    Hmm, he’s dead.

    How about Danny Devito?

    Okay, that’s it, I’m done.

    I think it would be an advantage to look another man in the eye rather than up inside his nose.  And, while good things come in small packages, I think I’d rather come...oh, that’s even too dirty for me.

    In this day of scientific augmentation, I decided to seek help.  Figuring anything which sold me X-Ray specs in the 7th grade couldn’t steer me wrong, I ordered a set of lifts from the back page of one of my old comic books (Jimmy Olsen-Superman’s Pal.  Which, now that I think of it, sounds kinda homo-erotic.  I’ll bet Jimmy wouldn’t have to worry about what he said to women, though).

Hey, this can't be right.
The little guy is black and the big guy is white.

Oh, hang on, I forgot about Prince.
Prince is black, right?
So, for $5.99 (plus shipping and handling, whatever the frik that is), I received my ticket to a better future via my friendly mailman.  Whose derisive laughter I found pretty rude.

    Like Ralphie from A Christmas Story who was so excited to receive his order in the mail that he peed himself (NOTE: Not true.  He crapped his pants.), I couldn’t wait to try them.

    As I slipped them on, I instantly felt more powerful, more virile, more...ah...silly.
Somehow, I don't think anyone is going to buy it

    Maybe Mrs. Penwasser has cooled down.  It is August, after all.

      



Thursday, August 16, 2012

Facebook Funnies X

"Please to know can beat both at arm wrestle. Especially since one is chick."



And other is blonde.

Monday, August 13, 2012

Ted (SPOILER ALERT)




  For the record, I enjoyed this movie.  It was a brainless way to spend a summer afternoon and didn't get me near the dirty looks I got for cheering on those wolves in The Grey.  

  Seriously, though, is Mark Wahlberg that big a pussy that he gets his ass kicked by a frikkin' teddy bear?  Because in the climactic scene at Fenway Park, it's apparent that Ted is nuthin' but stuffin' (NOTE:  For those of you for whom I spoiled the ending of this cinema classic, many apologies.  For that, and my over-exuberant use of prepositions in that sentence.  But, while we're at it....the Titanic sinks and Batman lives).

 Of course, I may be over-thinking this a bit.  

I really need to get back to work.

Saturday, August 11, 2012

Sociological Observation

"Really?  You gotta get your iPod now?"
    Following an evening whereupon I solved the problems of the world, regaled my brothers with ribald-and fictional-tales of youthful sexual conquests, and hoisted a dizzying number of libations, I needed to visit the...uh...campground facilities before turning in.  No way I wanted to stumble around at 3 AM when the sounds of chipmunks sounded like grizzly bears (NOTE:  There are no grizzly bears in Rhode Island.  Plenty of tourists from New York, though).  
Sometimes, "Just one more" leads to "Just one too many."
Plus, I should have waited until dark.
  As I walked through the door, I was overwhelmed by a miasma which clung to my skin like a foul, fetid funk (Alliteration-Catch the Fever!).  I looked immediately to my left and saw the shredded plastic that shrouded the three petri dishes which were rather euphemistically called "showers."  

  I shuddered when I realized they were my only escape from the patina of scum which clogged my pores and the disturbing aroma wrought by campfire smoke, sweat, and who knows how many squished mosquito guts (NOTE:  Have I painted a pleasant enough picture for you?).
  
  But, since I had more pressing issues to tackle at the moment, I turned right.  As I sat on a paper-covered seat which was still warm from the fat guy who had just left (ewwwwwww...........), I glanced at the graffiti-covered walls.  
  
  I was puzzled.  Who brings a Sharpie into a toilet?  Or takes the time to carve their initials in the wall?  Frankly, I just wanted to "drop the kids off at the pool" (NOTE:  a cute little aphorism that I've used since junior high school.  Like "spank the monkey.") and get the hell out of there.  I also wondered, who ever heeds the crudely-scrawled "Be here at 11:30 pm on August 2nd for an awesome BJ."  (NOTE:  I looked at my watch.  11:05.  Whew!).
  
  Then, I saw the below, just above the (empty, dammit!  shoulda checked!) toilet paper roll:


Well, she was someone's baby once.
  It was then I made the following observations:
1.  What kind of love do you have that you feel the need to trumpet it on a bathroom wall?  Wouldn't a card and flowers be more appropriate?
2.  If that is genuinely how you feel, how will Miranda ever know?
3.  Frankly, I don't want to conjure up the image of love to any dude who has his drawers around his ankles and may be bored.  If you know what I mean.
4.  If Miranda is the type of girl who hangs around the Mens Room and would see your declaration of love, maybe she's not the one for you, Sparky.  You may not want to hang around with her unless you're a physician.  If you know what I mean.

EPILOGUE:  The next morning, I went back to the same stall, this time with a Sharpie of my own.  I crossed out "love" and replaced it with "did."  Underneath, I wrote "and so did I" in different styles.  Then, I took a shower.  In a HAZMAT suit.
Although, when I was done, I wondered who that girl was who was standing by the doorway.

Thursday, August 9, 2012

Facebook Funnies IX

"Here, let me get that schmudge off your face for you. And, by the way, can you do something about that little dude with the big-ass hat next to me? He's totally creeping me out."

Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Today's Olympics Update


August 7th Medal Recap:

                                                                                          Gold   Silver    Bronze  Total
People's Republic of China and Walmart                          31       19         14          64
United States of Michael Phelps and Snooki                     29       15         14          63
United Kingdom of Northern Ireland and Dental Care       18       11         11          40
Canada                                                                                 1         3           6          10


Incidentally, is it "Great Britain" or "United Kingdom"?  I know Great Britain (and Prince Charles) is a part of the United Kingdom, but I've seen it written both ways.  It would seem to me that the UK would be the most accurate.  Or is this just another example of the English just pushing their weight around because they have the Queen (and...uh...Prince Charles)?  Bottom line, I chose "United Kingdom" because it worked better for the joke.  But, what's the true answer?  

Seriously, Canada?  Don't feel too badly, you'll totally kick ass at the Winter Olympics.  And as for those smarty-pants from China?  Okay, they'll probably do pretty well there, too.  But, Jamaica can go suck it.

By way of comparison, the tiny nation of Uzbekistan (Urdu for "Land Without Flushing Toilets") has won only one medal in London.  This was a Bronze awarded to Abbos Atoev for defeating India's Vijender Singh in Boxing (Middleweight Division).


"Abbos Atoev, you've won the Bronze Medal at the Olympics. What are you going to do now?"
"I go United States. Knock smart-ass Penwasser flat on ass."
   

Monday, August 6, 2012

Growing Pot in My Garden Again This Year

I swear, it's for medicinal use only.
Growing some Cheetos off to the left, too.

Saturday, August 4, 2012

Today's Olympics Update-BREAKING NEWS!

  In a shocking development, "Heavenly Yards and Birdbaths," of Piscataway, New Jersey, withdrew from the fencing competition at the London Olympics.


"Plus, they wear those dorky face-masks.
How can I can do my job if I'm wearing a dorky face-mask?"
  When asked for a statement, company owner, Salvatore Boombahtz, had this to say, "Sure, I thought we had a real shot.  But, once we found out they use frikkin' swords, I knew I should never have entered in the first place.  On the bright side, this frees up our schedule so we can put in that stockade pool enclosure for the Penwassers so the neighbors don't get nauseous whenever Mr. Penwasser decides to go skinny-dipping." 

Thursday, August 2, 2012

Facebook Funnies VIII





Vice-President Biden:   All set to cheer on the American Summer Olympics Team


"USA! USA! US....hey, what the frik?? These are Canadian mittens!  Awww....dammit!!"

Wednesday, August 1, 2012

Mel Brooks' Young Frankenstein - "Who's Brain Was it?"




I just finished reading Life By Chocolate in which Robyn Engel wrote Brain Quest for the IWSG (titled Brain Quest: IWSG.  Golly I could have saved myself a whole of trouble if I had just written that).  By all means, click on the link above.  Uh...it's highlighted.  


It's well-written and enjoyable.  Unlike any of the crap you'll see here.  Tell Robyn I sent you.  That way she knows who to blame.


Anyway, it inspired me to have a look at one of my favorite scenes from Young Frankenstein (which is one of my favorite movies, apart from Caddyshack, Booty Call, and Squanto-Friend of the Pilgrims.)  So, rather than go outside and do something constructive (like cut the grass), I thought I'd call it up on You Tube.  


Like Donald Trump's hair, it never fails to make me laugh.


So, if you have less than a couple minutes, have a look and see if you agree.  But, if you have less than a couple minutes to live, don't bother.  Make the most of the time you have left.  Do something which involves you getting naked.


Well, better go mow the lawn (which, sadly, is not a euphemism).