Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Today's Olympics Update

"Oh, yeah??  Well, I'll trade you those trampoline tickets for Romanian Air Rifle. Sheesh, kayaking would be better than this!!"

Monday, July 30, 2012

Facebook Funnies VIII

You couldn't do any better than frikkin' trampoline!!??"

Saturday, July 28, 2012

Today's Olympics Update

Michael Phelps barely qualifies for the 8th and final spot in the 400 m Individual Medley

Hey, give him a break. 
He's been wicked busy.

And, those munchies can be a real bitch

"Hmm, maybe should have had a salad. And gone to the movies, instead."

Thursday, July 26, 2012

Facebook Funnies VI

"I said 'Get...the...F...OUT!'"


  We interrupt today's Facebook Funnies (oh, wait, Facebook Funnies are done) for today's Olympics Update:

  Controversy mars the start of the London Olympics when organizers flashed the SOUTH Korean flag as they were introducing the NORTH Korean Womens football team (NOTE:  BTW, I'm glad they're calling it football not soccer).

  The North Koreans walked off the pitch (NOTE:  But, c'mon, throw me a bone!  It's a field, not a pitch.  A pitch is what a baseball player does.  Or something you use to set heretics on fire.).  

  After repeated apologies, promise of North Sea oil-drilling rights, a lifetime supply of Creamettes, an autographed picture of Channing Tatum for the team, and Lindsay Lohan for their leader, Kim Jong Un, the team whupped Colombia, 2-0 (NOTE:  For my American friends, in football/soccer that is a whupping).

  When asked to explain the Flippin' Flag Flap (NOTE: Feel free to use that bit of creative alliteration), London Olympics Chairman Sir Reginald Yourmothersdrawers III had this to say:  "Well, bloody 'ell!  What are their bloody problems with their bloody flag?  It's all bloody Greek to me, anyway."  (NOTE: Please excuse my repeated,  gratuitous use of the term "bloody.")

Well, Sir Reginald....

This is the South Korean flag.
Seen on consumer electronics worldwide.

This is North Korea's flag.
Not only is it the symbol of  one of the world's craziest places,
the people can also eat it.
This is the Greek flag.
They may not do so hot in the Olympics,
but how many nude beaches are in Korea, north or south?

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

I Was Off a Little

Forgotten by May 2012

  But not by much.

  Back in April (during the A-Z Challenge), I predicted this hideous movie would be on DVD by Memorial Day.
  This evening I saw it promoted as an "On Demand" selection.
  The "On Demand" previews make this thing look even more dreadful than the theatrical trailer.
  If that's possible.
  I think I'll just go watch So You Think You Can Dance?, instead.
Better this than Moe, Larry, and Curly.
Or you could take a walk, read a book, enroll in community college, collect stamps, build a church, adopt a road, take up clogging, watch a sunset, stroll along a beach, pet a puppy, toss bread to ducks, pave an interstate, visit shut-ins, care for the elderly, donate to charity, bake a dozen cookies, scream at injustice, walk up a down escalator, learn a new skill, crack a safe, double-park, remove a "Do Not Remove Under Penalty of Law" tag, play an air guitar, tailgate the Amish, overdose on PEZ, write a 3 Stooges sequel which doesn't suck, feed the needy, heal the sick, clothe the naked, stop ogling the naked, etc.

Monday, July 23, 2012

Made in Spain

Nobody made a big fuss over this.
Even though Superman was Made in Krypton.

You be the judge.
My latest post, Made in China, generated quite a few comments.  Looks like folks are split over whether the American Olympics team should be outfitted in uniforms made in Walmart China.  Some think it's no big deal while others are outraged.
  Rather than get all caught up in a jingoistic frenzy (I can, but prefer not to), I thought it was more important to point out just how hideously wretched their clothing looked.  Plus, I gave you a picture of the Spanish team to let you know it could be worse.  They looked like someone vomited a bag of Resse's Pieces on them.  Plus, they're mannequins.  And that doesn't bode well for track and field.
  In any event, I plan on watching the Olympics starting this week (or reruns of NCIS).  Depending on how motivated I am, I'll give updates here on how well everyone is doing.  But, rather than concentrating on the major sports (unless USA basketball gets beaten by Bulgaria-that would be epic!), I'll devote most of my time to lesser-known sports which don't merit much attention.  So, hang on to your hats for anything to do with horses, ribbons, and synchronized anything.
  Okay, back to my point with this post.  One of the comments to my rant was from Nellie.  She expressed surprise that Charo was Spanish and not Mexican.  I told her (just in case none of you read my reply to her.  Frankly, though, how many of you really do that?  It's not like you have nothing else better to do-like me-than reading everyone's comments/replies) that Charo really was born in Spain.
  But, for those of you who didn't know that, may I present a primer on that luminary of stage and screen, Meryl Streep.  Err, I meant Charo.

TV Guide, 1971
Edgar, End of the Bar, Elks (B.P.O.E.) Lodge #1365, Wallingford, Connecticut
Catch-phrase:  "Cuchi!  Cuchi!"
I could be wrong,
but I don't think that means, "Stay in school."
Born:  January 15, 1951.  Nobody has seen her birth certificate so there's...no, wait, that's someone else.

Where:  Murcia, Spain
Murcia-Come for the warm Mediterranean breezes.
Stay for the Inquisition.
Name:  Maria Rosario Pilar Martinez Molina Baez.  Name shortened to Charo so she could get one of those personalized license plates from a Torremolinos gift shop.

Xavier and the family pet, Cuchi.
In order to help move to the United States (where they appreciate big breasts), Charo married some big shot Spanish composer, Xavier Cugat (he "knew a guy"), who was old enough to be her ancestor.  Charo first moved to New York City (concrete jungles, where dreams are made of, according to Alicia Keys) sometime during the early years of the Vietnam War (the two are unrelated.  As far as you know).

Since I don't have a lot of space, I'll spare you all her career highlights (you may stop laughing now).

Charo's breasts and buttocks first appeared on the The Ed Sullivan in the mid-1960s.  Ed, who apparently had gotten over his traumatic "Don't Let Elvis Shake His Hips On National TV" paranoia, thoroughly enjoyed his lap dance while Cugat played the accordion with a monkey.

Charo went to appearances on Laugh-In (where she made Goldie Hawn look like a frikkin' genius), Hollywood Squares, Donny and Marie, Sonny and Cher, The Love Boat (really, is anyone surprised?), Tony Danza, and the RuPaul Show (where contestants had to guess who the real female impersonator was).

She also tried her hand at her own TV show.  It failed.  I know.  Shocking.

She's appeared at shows in Branson, Missouri, and Las Vegas, Nevada (so you don't get it confused with Las Vegas, New Hampshire).  Plus, she is also a frequent performer on cruise ships where, remarkably, bouts of seasickness are not reported.

So, there you have it.  Charo, born in Spain, naturalized in the United States.  Not Mexican.  Or Belgian.

But you knew that.
Also born in Spain.
But he played a cat, named Puss, in a cartoon.
Plus, give him a break for that Spy Kids thing, too.


Friday, July 20, 2012

Made in China

Yeah.  I get it.

I understand why people are getting their panties all in a twist over the fact that the U.S. Olympic team is being outfitted in uniforms made in China.

My first thought:  "Well, that's what you get for shopping at Walmart."

My second:  "Does the Brady Bunch know you have their clothes?"

By the way, have you seen the Spanish team?

Yeah.  Charo and this.  Doesn't seem fair. 
 NOTE: I hope these are mannequins. 
Otherwise, they're so gonna get their ass kicked in gymnastics.

So, seriously USA? 
Quit yer bichin'.

Thursday, July 19, 2012

Facebook Funnies V

"Ya know, those are pretty nice slacks you got there.  I could use a new pair myself because, if you haven't noticed, I'm fixin' to bust outta these.  And, if you don't mind me saying, you're in pretty good shape.  You must work out."

Monday, July 16, 2012

While I'm Away, A Picture

No arms.
No legs.
No penis.
Twelve-pack of Bud Lite.
One angry bird.

Saturday, July 14, 2012

Road Trip

"Okay, so I didn't get any sunblock last time.
But, I'm gonna butt-pump me a turtle.
C'mere, Cecil! I'm King of the Sea!"

They sell this in Virginia Beach.
But, it was invented in New Jersey. New Jersey!
Plus, I'll bet there's no saltwater in it, either.
By the time you read this, I will have been in Virginia Beach for a couple of days. Like last month, I had some family things which needed my attention.  Only this time, I'm accompanied by Mrs. Penwasser.  Because of scheduling conflicts, the kids didn't go with us.  Our dog, the nutless Pal Penwasser, would have made the trip.  But he/it had some serious sleeping, butt-sniffing, and licking of phantom testicles to do.
"Let's see...sleep, sniff, or lick?
Oh, what's a canine eunuch to do?"
  Since I'm actually writing this on Thursday with the intention of putting it on Delayed Post for Saturday (thanks once again, Blogger! Your nifty feature makes me appear much more squared-away than I deserve!), I have no idea how our trip down South went.  We don't leave until about 6 this evening.  
No, no, I'm exaggerating.
There are fewer lanes.
  Yeah.  Just in time to drive through Philadelphia.  During rush hour.  Awesome.
  But, since Mrs. Penwasser has my password and can access my blog, it was a fantastic six hour adventure.  The lovely Mrs. Penwasser is an engaging travel companion, witty conversationalist, and remarkable trip planner who doesn't get nauseous when she moves her head or scream when I put on the Oldies station.
  I'm telling you all this because, like last time, I'll be out of touch for an unknown amount of time.  It could only be for a long weekend or it could be longer.
I suppose I could play Minesweeper on my cell phone.
But, I won't.
You know why?
Because Minesweeper sucks.
That's why.
  Unlike last time, the place where we'll be staying does not have any computers.  Even if it did, there's no internet to be had.  So, I won't even be able to surreptitiously log on in the middle of the night to check on your comments, play Words With Friends, or watch the honey badger video on You Tube.  This also means I won't be able to comment on your blogs.  I didn't want you to think that I had disappeared quicker than Mel Gibson's career.

 I hope to be back by Monday night.

This map didn't do us much good.
It was cheap, though.

 I'm sure the dog will have a good weekend.

Thursday, July 12, 2012

Facebook Funnies IV

"Whoa, whoa, whoa! Pant's back on there, Bill!
Who do you think I am?
One of your interns?"

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Let's Get Physical

Had my annual physical today.

Slight pressure, my a...oh, pardon the pun.

You know what that means.

The funny thing is that I paid for it.

But, I'm happy to report that I'm clean as a whistle, both inside and out.  Sure, I still have to wait for blood work results to come back. 

But, you know what I mean.

A decidedly nasty whistle that I'd never put my mouth on.

Although now I understand how Poland felt when the German army just roared through.

Incidentally, now we know where Jimmy Hoffa got off to.  Mystery solved.

By the way, I purposely scheduled it for today, my birthday.

Even at the cost of significant personal discomfort, I thought that would be funny.

I'm effed up that way.

Sunday, July 8, 2012

A Question for a Hot Day

"Oh, I thought you said 'hotter than blazers.'  My bad.
But, still, don't I look hot, though?"
  It's hotter than blazes outside.  Yes, yes, I can hear you say, "Oh, yeah, just wait until January.  Then, we'll see who's whining about the heat then."

  Sure.  But it's not January.  It's July.  Winter will be here soon enough.

"Someone dropped a corn dog!!"
Nope, won't see this at Christmas.
  One of the disadvantages of summer, besides fat guys on the beach, is the fact that it often gets hot.  Which is okay if you're in the air-conditioning business, but not so much if your bucket list doesn't include sunstroke.    

"Grab the sunblock, I said.
We won't need it, you said.
Now look at us.  Dumbass."
  So, rather than feel like I'm walking around in a gym sock (good luck getting that visual out of your head), I'm staying inside where it's air-conditioned.  Never mind the fact you'll need a calculator to figure out this month's electric bill (good thing Mrs. Penwasser has a job).

  To while away the time, I've been surfing for porn doing a little writing.

  One of my projects includes an e-book to be placed on Kindle and Nook, like Shag Carpet Toilet (Get Yours Now While Thousands Last! ).

Okay, I'll ask the question.
If this is ranked 642,470 out of 1,000,000,
how sucky must 642,471-1,000,000 be?
  At present, this work is untitled because I haven't thought of one I don't want to give it away.  But, I hope to have this finished by the end of the summer.  Or Canadian Thanksgiving.  It will be a collection of old posts from Penwasser Place, a sort of "Best Of" collection (because "Recycled Droppings" doesn't carry the same pizazz).  I just thought some of my new followers, especially, would like see some of the old classics.  Plus, it will save me the trouble of writing new stuff.

  As I'm putting this together, it occurred to me that some of my old posts do not, perhaps fortunately, include pictures.  And, those that do may not even have captions.  

  So, my question to you, dear followers, and people who accidentally stumbled here while looking for a blogger with talent (like Pat Hatt):

    *Do you like the pictures with captions?

  *Or would you prefer I just go straight prose (NOTE:  Pretentious "writer-speak" for non-poetry)?

   In any case, I'll still go with captioned pictures here.  Mostly because I enjoy them and hope you do.  And also because they take up space that otherwise could be used to write something

  To thank you for your time reading this and getting back to me I've included the below by way of gratitude.

I won't judge.

BTW, it's not just fat guys on the beach.

FOR THE...?????
Like I said, I won't judge.

Stay cool, everyone.

For my friends down under, hang tight.  December's coming.

Thursday, July 5, 2012

Facebook Funnies III

"Hey, ya might wanna get one of those Biori nose-strips."

"No, you might wanna get a whole case of those Biori nose strips.  You're the one with the big, honkin' schnozz, Mr. Hollywood Big Shot, crazy Scientology whack-job freak show.  Oh, and while we're at it, a couple of Tic Tacs wouldn't kill you, either."

Wednesday, July 4, 2012

Happy Independence Day!

"Okay, let's see...I've got a tuna salad on wheat, roast beef hold the pickles, shrimp basket....fish and chips.  
Fish and chips!!??
Jesus, Ben, didja even read this thing!?"

To my British friends, no hard feelings.  You guys are the coolest.  Sorry about Madonna.

I say British, but everyone I know thinks English.  But, don't think you're getting away with anything, you Welsh, Scots, and Hessians (aka the 18th Century Rent-A-Cops).

To my Canadian friends, sorry about that whole "we want to invade you" thing.  Twice.  Good for you and Celine Dion it didn't work out so well, huh?

To my French friends, thanks for everything.  And that big whompin' statue in New York Harbor.  Tell you what...you can keep Jerry Lewis for your troubles.

To my countrymen whose ancestors were Loyalists (aka Tories),  thanks for nothin'.  We managed without you.

Monday, July 2, 2012

At the Drive Thru

At the Quakertown, Pennsylvania, Sonic Drive-Thru:

Disembodied Voice (DV):  "Hi, welcome to Sonic.  I'll be with you in a second."

Me:  "Sure, no problem."

300 seconds later....

DV:  "Thank you for waiting, may I take your order?"

Me:  "Sure.  I'd like a.....what do you guys want?"

Back-seat mumbling.....
(by the way, yes, during those 300 seconds, a smart person would have already determined what the back-seat wanted.  Sue me).

Me:  "Okay, thank you for waiting (like how I did that?).  I'd like a cheeseburger with no onions."

DV:  "Lettuce?"

Me:  "No."

DV:  "Tomato?"

Me:  "No."

DV:  "Sweet or dill pickles?"

Me:  "I don't want any pickles."

DV:  "So no pickles?"

Me:  "That's correct."

DV:  "Mayonnaise?"

Me:  "No."

DV:  "Onions?"

Me:  "I said no onions."

DV:  "Oh, that's right.  Sorry.  Hee hee.  Anything else?"

Me:  "Yes, a cherry lime-ade."

DV:  "What size?"

Me:  "Uh...(to the back) hey, what size?"

More back-seat mumbling...

Me:  "Medium."

DV:  "Okay, let's see, that'll be a large strawberry lemonade with a double hamburger and extra pickles."

Me:  "No, no, that's a medium cherry limeade with a cheeseburger, hold the onions."

DV:  "Oh, sorry, my mistake.  Hold the pickles.  Will there be anything else?"

Me:  "Hold the onions."

DV:  "So, do you still want the pickles?"

Me:  "I didn't order pickles."

DV:  "Ohhhh, okay.  Anything else?"

Me:  "Sigh.......no, that'll do it."

DV:  "Please drive around to the second window'"

NOTE:  I rarely see the first window ever used.

I drive around to get behind a line of cars which remind me of the highway gridlock seen in that Tea Leoni asteroid movie.  Or any afternoon on Philadelphia's Schuykill Expressway.

Me:  "Well, it can't be a long wait.  Look at all the people on inline roller skates.  They have to be quick here."

Five minutes later.....

Backseat:  "Hey, look.  That dude on the roller skates has helped two cars already."

Me:  Sighhhhhh.....

Ten minutes later....

Backseat:  "Wow, he's pretty quick.  That's three more cars.  This place is cool.  When am I going to get my cheeseburger?"

Me (grumbling to myself):  "I thought 'Sonic' meant quick?  I mean...you have your Burger King and your Dairy Queen.  Even KFC has a picture of a dead white guy.  I think the name 'Sonic' is false advertising."

After 20 minutes, we finally pull up to the window, where we see that the Disembodied Voice belongs to Perky Teenaged Girl With a Painful  Looking Nose Ring  (PTGWPLNR).

PTG:  "Hi, can you give me a minute?"

Me (to the closed window):  "Give you a minute?????  What the frik you been doing in there?"

Backseat:  "Hey, look!  The roller skates guy has...."


1 minute later...

PTG:  "Thank you for waiting.  That'll be $6.02"

I hand over a ten.

PTG:  "Thank you.  I'll be right back with your change."

Me (once again to the closed window): "#$@(&!!%$#@!!!!!!!"

45 seconds later.....

PTG:  "Here you are, sir.  98 makes seven...eight...nine...ten!  Please give me a second."

Yeah, you know how I reacted.....

30 seconds later (who'd have ever thought I wouldn't have minded waiting half a minute?).

PTG:  "Here's your order, sir.  Will there be anything else?"

Me:  "Oh, God, no."

I drive away, accompanied by a squeal of tires and a great "Huzzah!" from the backseat.  I hand back the cherry limeade and open the bag to get my order:

A bag of Tater Tots.

You know, Joe Pesci may have a point. 

Sonic-Greek for "Up Yours."