Thursday, June 28, 2012

Facebook Funnies II

"No, no, no.  Rock always beats scissors.
That's it, we're keeping the Kuril Islands.
Dumbass."

Tuesday, June 26, 2012

The Great Sequel to the Great Xerxes the Great Sequel

"Oh, yeah? Well, you try sleeping with all these curlers in your hair and beard
and see if you don't feel like invading Greece!"

NOTE:  The following contains a lot of Persian and Greek words.  Most of which I didn’t make up.  That Kardashian one is probably bogus, though.

  When last we met.....

And, to make matters worse, all they had 
at Redbox was My Big Fat Greek Wedding
  Having grown weary of the indignities suffered by his people at the hands of the Greeks, Xerxes prepared to invade.  As if defeat at Marathon wasn’t bad enough, the Persians had gotten sick and tired of all that bouzouki music playing till all hours of the night.

"Hey, what the frik, Stavros!?
I said goat testicles!!"
  NOTE:  I realize “bouzoukis” are relatively modern musical instruments.  The ancient Greeks were actually content with simple stringed instruments and pulling on goat testicles when bursting into “100 Amphorae of Wine on the Wall.”  Besides, “bouzouki” sounds funnier than “lute.”

  Setting out from Persepolis (after having to briefly turn back because the damn Assyrians left the water running), Xerxes’ decided it would be quicker to go by way of the Hellespont.  But only if there was a nice clean gas station along the way, the Phoenicians complained.

The Phoenicians learned, to their chagrin, that it's
next to impossible to keep this from spoiling in the desert
heat.  Especially considering refrigerators would't be
invented until the 19th century.
  Resisting the urge to fire back, “Yeah, as if YOU people ever wash your hands,” he grudgingly agreed.

  After all, they did bring the potato salad (NOTE:  if you read previous chapters, you already knew that).

"So, the Great Satan won't be around
for another couple thousand years or so.
That's cool. We can wait."
  The journey was an arduous affair, made even more so when they had to detour around construction of the “Death to America” monument and the fact that nobody remembered to bring the horses.

    Finally reaching the Hellespont, the strait of water which separated Asia from Europe (and crazy people from other crazy people), nobody remembered where they parked the pontoon bridges left the previous year.  Unfortunately, by the time they found them, a fierce storm (taking Chief Meteorologist Chip “Hurricane” Achaemenes completely by surprise) destroyed the only way to Thrace (NOTE:  this is in Greece.  I looked it up).

"Wouldn't just peeing in it get your point across?"
    In a fit of rage, Xerxes ordered the Hellespont whipped 300 times and had fetters thrown in the water.  Despite Private Miachinbaack "Corky" Fetters' vehement protests that he had nothing to do with the storm.

    Finally, after getting some help from the Trojan AAA office, bridges were built and the army invaded Greece.  Threatening local people with the loss of their lands, rape of their women, and vicious titty-twisters, Xerxes picked up allies along the way.  Thessaly, Thebes, Argos, and France (who figured, “you never can be too sure”) took up the Persian banner as Xerxes moved to face his greatest foes, Athens and Sparta.

Persian Immortals
Xerxes 1st choice, the Avengers, forced to drop out
when the Hulk couldn't get a suit of armor which fit.
    Taking up winter quarters in Sardis, because there was no sense visiting nude beaches in the winter, Xerxes set out in the spring of 480 BC.  His fleet and army had been estimated by Herodotus (noted drunk) to number 1,000,000, along with 10,000 elite warriors known as the Immortals.

He's looked better.
Plus, it's a bitch to drink now.
    First concentrating on Sparta (since Athens was still in the shower), the Persian army clashed with 300 warriors led by King Leonidas at Thermopylae.  Even though initially rebuffed by fierce Spartan resistance, rock-hard abs, and an inability to understand why the Spartan king had a Scottish accent, the 300 were slaughtered after a traitor showed the Persians the rear entrance (ancient Greeks being very familiar with rear entrances).
Not what I meant by 'looking better.'
May want to lay off that deep-fried baklava, Leonidas.

    Hey, don’t take my word for it.  Rent the movie.  It has some cool naked scenes in it.

    After Sparta, Athens was captured.  Some historians claim Xerxes ordered the cradle of democracy burned while Persian scholars claimed he did nothing of the sort.  Who would be crazy enough to destroy a major center of trade and commerce?

    Oh, I don’t know.  Anyone who’d whip water a couple hundred times?

"Maybe we shouldn't have attacked after lunch...?
I think we all could've done with a little nap.
My insurance is gonna skyrocket now!"
    Xerxes then decided to attack the Greek fleet at Salamis in September, 480 BC.  This proved to be a disaster because, despite outnumbering their foe, the Persian warships were no match for the maneuverable little Greek vessels.

    Using the excuse of unrest in Babylon (who really never got over the fact that Xerxes farted on their god), Xerxes sent most of his army home.  He left a token force behind in Greece under command of Mardonius, but they were overrun by a Greek Amish family and herd of sheep at Plataea the following year.  After a few Persian ships anchored at Mycale were destroyed, the Greek city-states once more felt the breath of freedom.

    To continue to kill each other.

    In 465 BC, Xerxes was murdered by Artabanus, commander of the royal bodyguard (how frikkin’ ironic is that?). 

    What transpired next has led to confusion among historians (hey, cut them some slack.  It was almost 1,500 years ago and Al Gore hadn’t invented the internet yet).  Let’s see...Artabanus accused Crown Prince Darius of the murder and persuaded his brother, Artaxerxes (NOTE:  Persian for “sucky name”) to kill him.

"Okay, which one of you is the eunuch?
C'mon, drop 'em. We ain't got all day."
    However, according to Aristotle, noted Greek philosopher, mentor to Alexander the Great, and owner of a chain of diners in the Peloponnesus, Artabanus killed Darius first before killing Xerxes with the help of a eunuch, who undoubtedly was cranky because he hadn’t had his coffee yet (to learn how hysterically funny that line is, please visit here.  Yeah, I know, I rarely click on these links, either.  But, it won’t take you long, I swear).   Then, once Ataxerxes found out who the real culprit was, he whacked Artabanus.

    Seriously, though, who really cares?  They’re all dead now, anyway.

    Xerxes-one of the great leaders of the ancient world, source of pride for the Persian people (who really haven’t had all that much to brag about since), and reason why the letter ‘X’ is pronounced like the letter ‘Z.’

    There’s much more to his story, to be sure.  For instance, I omitted the details of his public works initiatives, construction projects, religious beliefs, and his tempestuous 72 day marriage to Artossa Kardashian.  Yes, the King of Kings was much more than a megalomaniac bent on assimilation of all the peoples of the known world. 

    He also liked body piercings and balloon animals.
"Why have souvlaki when you can have Testicle Kabobs instead?"
-Farhoud Ghorbani, Owner
 Xerxes the Great Diner-Home of the 500-item Salad Bar and Endless Chocolate Fountain
 Just off Route 287, Parsipanny, New Jersey

    But, like what Rosie O’Donnell looks like naked, I’ll just leave that to your imagination.

    You may want to have that imagination steam-cleaned though.

Fin

Monday, June 25, 2012

Gone For a Couple

"Hey, you!  Helllloooo!!! What's a Roman God of the Sea gotta do
to get a little sunblock around here?"

NOTE:  Notorious copycats, the Romans appropriated the Greek God of the Sea, Poseidon, for their own God of the Sea, Neptune.  This hirsute, bare-chested fellow is King Neptune.
As anyone who's visited Virginia Beach knows.

Due to circumstances beyond my control, I'll be traveling to Virginia Beach for a few days, where I hope to settle some family matters (not likely, though) and maybe score some saltwater taffy (more likely).


The reason I'm telling you all this is that I will be off line for a couple days.  I won't be able to read or comment on your blogs.


But, never fear!  I'll be back sometime this week.  Things will get back to normal.


Well, as normal as things get around here.


Oh, also?  The Xerxes sequel to the Xerxes sequel is on delayed post for tomorrow.  So, you have that going for you.

Saturday, June 23, 2012

Facebook Funnies

    In an effort to provide the very best in entertainment to as many people as possible (and avoid having to write more than what's absolutely necessary), I've decided to invite a new tenant to Penwasser Place:  Facebook Funnies.
    
   And, just to prove I know how to use italics and bold features, I plan on running said Funnies on a weekly basis.
  
    Or, whenever I feel like it.
  
    Drawing on pictures I find on the Drudge Report, I'll be posting them here once I inflict my Facebook friends.  Sorry, Facebook has dibs.  And not just because it has Words With Friends.  Well, actually, it has a lot to do with that.
  
    By the way, speaking of the poor man's Scrabble, I'm rocking the batcrap out of 'Qi.'  But, Maria from Marlias World is totally kicking the snot out of me.  I thought I knew a lot of words, but this lady pulls words from her lexicon (see? I told you I knew some words) that boggle my mind.  Like grecized!  Holy crap!  I never heard of that word before.  

   Apparently, it's Greek for causing a word, phrase, or whatever to take on a Grecian form.

    Wait for it....I don't know, it's all Greek to me.

    Now, where was I?  Oh, yeah, Facebook Funnies.  So, I find a picture and then give it a caption.  Hopefully, it will be a funny, not sucky, caption.

    For you poor, masochistic bastards who are my FB friends as well as Blogger followers (Sherilin, Nancy S. ThompsonMatt,  Rodney, and the vocabulary savant, Maria), I apologize for the comedy reruns.  
    
   You may want to step back, make yourself a sandwich, and read one of the fine, fine blogs which are out there.  Might I suggest you read each other's blogs?  You're all funny and entertaining.  But, I'd steer clear of Maria.  She'll slap a ten letter Greek word without vowels on your unsuspecting ass quicker than you can say baklava jubilee.
   
    Just kidding, Maria!
    
    But-pssssttt!-you may want to have a dictionary handy, just in case.


    Now that I've prepped today's picture (geez, I hope you're still around)...
"Ya know, if that whole Supreme Court thing doesn't work out for you, you may want to consider washing your face, taking the dress off, and seeing if you can get your job back playing 'Doug' on the 'King of Queens.'
     
NOTE:  For my non-American friends, you may not get some of these.  That's okay.  We have a real tough time understanding why Russell Brand is famous or why in the world the French think Jerry Lewis is so frikkin' funny, either.


    That's it for tonight.  I need to finish the final chapter of the Xerxes saga.  Frankly, this post was just a little easier to write (see what I mean?  Facebook Funnies is going to be a comedy goldmine!  And allow me plenty of time for some good old-fashioned laying in front of the TV with my shirt off.
     
    The problem is, there are more Greeks in that story than at an all-night diner in Paterson, New Jersey.
    
    I may need Maria to do some grecizing on some Persians for me.

Sunday, June 17, 2012

Sam the Soccer Safety Patrol Sez



Score a goal.  And look both ways before crossing the street.

Thursday, June 14, 2012

Happy Flag Day!

Okay, I'm proud to be an American, despite the fact we have Michael Moore, Joy Behar, and people eating other people's faces.
If nothing else, most of my stuff is here.

 On June 14th, 1777, the Second Continental Congress of the United States (sequel to the First.  Sorta like Rocky II) decided that the budding nation needed a flag (a motion to adopt a secret handshake was shelved pending a Third Continental Congress. Which never happened. Now you know). 


  While Betsy Ross is credited with designing the flag, most historians (and old guys named Chet), dispute this.  However, she IS credited with suggesting that "plaid" not be used.


  Now, since quite a few of you aren't from the United States and, thus, have no idea what all the fuss (hey, Pat, that rhymes!) is all about, I thought I'd pay homage to the flags of some of my followers.  


  Just so you know,  I won't be looking up any information on your national flags.  So, this will more than likely be an indictment of the American educational system.  I'll just be winging it.


The flag of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland.  Great Britain consisting of England, Scotland, and Wales.  And Northern Ireland consisting of northern Ireland.  Most of my countrymen just look at this and say, "Hey, it am the English flag.  When's NASCAR on?"
Seriously, though?  If you can forget about that whole revolution thing, we'll just let that burning of the White House go.
The flag of Canada, which had the good fortune of never being successfully invaded by the United States (remember:  Joy Behar).  The maple leaf design has something to do with its provinces (French for 'states'?): Quebec, Ontario, Saskatchewan, Alberta, Manitoba, British Columbia, Prince Edward Island, Prince Phillip in a Can, Yukon, Nunevit, Wayne Gretzky, Newfoundland).  I could be wrong on some of them, though.  I don't think 'Manitoba' is a real province. 
The flag of Australia.  I'm thinking flag designers down under got a little lazy.
 "Hey, what do you say we throw in England's flag, five stars, and one big ass star on a field of...how does 'blue' sound?  Then, we can just go drinking."
The flag of New Zealand.  Hey, I know you lot were a huge improvement over cannibals (far be it from an American to be up on a high horse about cannibals.  Remember:  people eating other people's faces) and they filmed Lord of the Rings there.  But, talk about frikkin' lazy!
"Screw it.  Leave six stars to the Australians.  We'll change the color, though.  Hey, see if Frodo over there wants to buy me a beer."




And, finally.....

The flag of Ukraine (or is that The Ukraine?  Kinda like "Is it Batman or the Batman?").  This thing hurts my frikkin' eyes!  Also, I thought they just had problems getting toilet paper.  Now, it appears that they also have only two colors in their national box of Crayolas.



What's my point, you ask, instead of writing the sequel to the story of Xerxes?  My point is that, while it's Flag Day in the United States, this should be a day to celebrate each of your countries.  Because, while you may have civil unrest (I'm talking to you, Greece), we have New Jersey.  Wait, that didn't come out right.

What I mean is, Happy Flag Day to all of you out there (but, seriously, Ukraine, get a few more colors and see what you can do).

Next:  I finally finish up with Xerxes.  I know it's been taking me a long time, but he's in no hurry.  The little Persian freak has been dead for almost 1,500 years.  Don't think he'll mind.
"Don't worry, Leonidas, Al will get back to us.  Meanwhile, have I ever told you you've got great muscle tone?  And can you give me a hand with these head chains?  It's what I get for dressing in the dark, I guess."

Sunday, June 10, 2012

The Great Xerxes the Great Sequel


  When last we met...I discovered a morning brew to keep the eunuchs jumping (I mean, it ain’t like they have anything to clang against their gym shorts).

  No, wait, that’s not right.

  Hang on...suspicious bottled water?  No.  Memorial Day?  Uh, uh.  A picture of me in my tightey-whiteys?  Oh, dear Lord in heaven, never again.

  Ooh, I think I have it.  I never finished my tale of Xerxes the Great from the A-Z Challenge, did I?
"I'm sexy and I know it.
But, seriously, all these piercings hurt like hell."
  Let’s begin again.

  When last we met, Darius the Great named his son, Xerxes, as his successor.  This was mostly because Xerxes was the son of the daughter of Cyrus the Great.  And because he threw paper when his older brother, Artobazan, threw rock. 

Apparently, size mattered.
Even in the ancient world.
  Then, having finished construction of his tomb at Naqsh-e-Rostam, Darius made ready to invade Egypt.  As if the revolting Egyptians (go ahead, feel free, make a joke here) weren’t bad enough, he was totally hacked off because their pyramids were much bigger than his ziggurats.

"Yeah, but you think I could get my deposit back?
Last time I ever use expedia.com."
  But, wouldn’t you know it, Darius died before the Susa AAA Office could finalize his Trip-Tiks and his reservation for a non-smoking room at the Saqqara Days Inn could be confirmed.

  Good thing he had that tomb built.

  Almost immediately (by “almost immediately,” I mean “a year”), Xerxes the Great (“the Great” being passed down to him in the will) put down the revolts in Egypt.  And, for good measure, he decided to jump ugly with the Babylonians.  If only because he didn’t really trust the Husseins of Tikrit.

"I don't shed, chew slippers, or piss on the carpet.
Yet, I'm the one they frikkin' melt down??"
  In 484 B.C. (i.e., “Before Cable”), he outraged the Babylonians when he violently confiscated and melted down (yep, I think the word “violent” just about does it) the statue of “Marduk” (luckily the statue of “Marmaduke” was spared).  Either that or he farted on it.  The Greek historian, Herodotus, is unclear on this matter.  He may have been drunk.

  Outraged by this sacrilege, the people revolted again in 484 B.C. and again in 482 B.C., when they remembered they were still pissed off.

  Because of this, Xerxes rejected his father’s title, King of Babylon.  Instead, he named himself “King of Persia,” “Great King,” “King of Kings,” “Sky King,” “King Creole,” “King Kong,” “Don King,” “Chicken a la King,” and “King of Nations.”

  The little dude was really full of himself, huh?

Battle of Marathon
"Next...time...use the...Kenyans."
  Meanwhile, as if there wasn’t enough on his plate, Xerxes took on the task started by his father:  punishing the Greeks for their interference with the Ionian Revolt (I don’t feel like looking it up), the burning of Sardis, their victory at Marathon (yep, that’s where the long ass race came from), and for effing up his order of baklava.  Well, that and putting in a spare bedroom at the palace.

  From 483 B.C. onward, Xerxes prepared his expedition.  A channel was dug through the isthmus (NOTE: fancy word for “small strip of land between two bodies of water.”  Rhymes with “Christmas.”) of the peninsula of Mt. Athos, provisions (including granola, paraffin-coated matches, and sewing kits) were stored in the stations on the road through Thrace, and two pontoon bridges (known as “Xerxes Pontoon Bridges,” totally pissing off their designer, Leonard the Meek) were built across the Hellespont (which I sincerely hope was water).

"Whatever you do, keep an eye on those Egyptians.
And don't fall for that 'it's a dry heat, you'll love it here,
we could use a little help for the weekend
moving some stones' crap again, either."
  Soldiers of many nationalities made up the Persian army: Assyrians (getting their “freak” on), Phoenicians (who brought the alphabet and potato salad), Babylonians (who finally forgave Xerxes for that farting thing), Egyptians (who were so bored they started mummifying cats), and Jews (legal counsel to the King of Kings in all matters pertaining to invasion).

  Crap!  I almost put myself to sleep.  I can only imagine what you’re going through as I soar past 600 words.  We’ll just have to pick this up again next time.  I promise we’ll find out what happens to Xerxes.  It’s nothing like the movie, 300.

  Well, okay, he did massacre 300 Spartans at Thermopylae.  But, I don’t think he pranced about in his underwear or that the Greek king had a Scottish accent.

Next:  The Great Sequel to the Xerxes the Great Sequel!  The Peloponnesian War, death of Xerxes, and a bare-chested Gerard Butler!      

Thursday, June 7, 2012

Sunday, June 3, 2012

"Virginia is For Lovers"?

Apparently, they never gave Pennsylvania a try.

They say the name of this town derives from some sort of horse track.
They lie.
You don't have to draw me a sign.



Pretty much the next town over.
They never speak to those sluts in Intercourse.





If that whole Intercourse thing doesn't work out for you, there's always this.
A synonym for bird...or rooster....
Look, you want me to draw you a picture??






Of course, those not executing the "Bird-In-Hand" option run the real risk of this.....




Elsewhere in the Keystone State, the Paradise of Desire before Panic sets in.
And then? Dad-Walks-With-Shotgun.




Still, when you stop to consider these are all pretty much Amish towns, you have to think twice.
On the other hand, when you consider the fact that there are little Amish....maybe they really don't need electricity, after all.