Thursday, May 31, 2012

It May Be Cheaper

  But...I'm going for that bottle of Deer Park or even Fiji, instead.






  Somehow, I don't think I want to buy bottled water at a store that has a manager named "Fred."


  He looks a little too relaxed, if you ask me.


  Plus, I don't think he washed his hands.

Monday, May 21, 2012

The Power of German Engineering

Oh, yeah.  You betcha.

Well, yeah.  There's that, too.

Friday, May 18, 2012

WARNING! Shameless Self-Promotion Ahead

     Thanks to my good friend Eva, at Wrestling With Retirement (feel free to thank her), I've learned how to inflict my book, Shag Carpet Toilet, on yet another ebook outlet.   This means that, in addition to Kindle, sales can lag on another source:  Nook from Barnes and Nobles.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Shag carpet, toilet, dogs named Duke, dead turtles, Chief Wild Eagle.
We frikkin' get it, Al.  Now, write something new!

  You may know them as the nationwide bookstore which didn't tube.  But, when you stop to consider that they've allowed me to place my book with them, can they be far behind Walden, Borders, and Mr. Bookworm's Sock Puppet Emporium?  Hey, as long as I can sell a few of my books before they go the way of K-Mart (oops, spoke too soon.  But, really, it's only a matter of time.  At least that's what the Mayans said), I'm good. 
"Attention, K-Mart shoppers.  Our blue light special today is on mens underwear. The prices are slashed and so is the underwear. Thank you for shopping K-Mart."
Oh, yeah, and Sofia Vergara shops there. Sure, she does.

    There's lots worse things that can happen than spending $2.99 on an e-copy of Shag Carpet Toilet.


  I could post more pictures of me in my underwear.


  Or, I can make you watch this dumbass commercial on a never-ending loop.  I'd rather shop at K-Mart




  By the way, hate mail can be sent to Eva at Wrestling With Retirement
   


Wednesday, May 16, 2012

I May Be Sportin' Tightey-Whiteys

But...look on the bright side:



At least my hair was still brown.
(NOTE: This was taken in 1998.  I look better now.  Rats.  You've seen my picture.)

    Speaking of...
    
  If you can manage to pull your eyes away from the dietary train-wreck above, you may have noticed I've changed the look of this site.  Don't worry, I'm not going to change the type of topics upon which I blather. Trust me, the picture above notwithstanding, I'm not going to start writing horror.
  
  It's just I thought it was time for a change here at Penwasser Place.  Since I've been sitting on that toilet for a couple of years, it was time to flush and get up (or is that get up and flush?).  If for no other reason that sitting on the john for an overly long period can give you piles the size of some small island nations.  Or Oprah.

    Part of the new look also includes a shot of nature as it looks when I take my glasses off.  On a frikkin' road.

    So, how do you like it?

    The new look, not the underwear picture (unless you're into that kind of thing-I won't judge).

    Okay, you may go get sick now.

Friday, May 11, 2012

Reflections




    It’s time.

    It’s been nearly two weeks since the 2012 A-Z Challenge ended and I have yet to reflect on the experience.  To be sure, I was pretty beat after 26 days of posting.  I needed time to decompress, but honestly, that took only a couple days. 

    Instead, crippling laziness set in.  So, instead of writing last weekend, I played ‘Words With Friends,’ surfed Grannies Gone Wild, read Faceb...oh, wait, crap.  I already told you all this.

    Did I mention chicken rub?

    Anyway, I’m eager to jump back into the fray and regale (or bore) you with whatever pops into my brain.  And, believe me, if you follow me on Twitter or Facebook (or both, you masochists), you know that quite a few things pop into my brain.

    In order to do so, however, I first need to give you my observations on the challenge. 

    Sidebar, your honor?  Can we be honest here?  It’s not like the “Challenge Police” are going to break down my door and accuse me of a blogging crime if I eschew (NOTE:  French term for “blow off.”  Or something to do with eating) a reflections post.
"Mirror, mirror in my hand. Who the frik is this old man?"
    Still, in order to maintain peace in the blogosphere (and be a mind-numbed drone who does what he’s told), may I submit:

This was supposed to be used for my post for 'G.'
As in 'Gandalf, the Grey Wizard.'
    1.  The challenge was a lot of work.  I mean, not building the pyramids or Charlie Sheen designated driver work, but still an effort.  I don’t mean the writing part, either.  That actually was kind of easy, mostly because of the “delayed posting” option.  I mean reading everyone else’s blog.  I tried to read a selected few from the list everyday, but it was all I could manage answering those who read my posts.

Then, I thought I could use Mel Gibson for 'G.'
    2.  Some people-Manzanita, Jenny, Nancy S. Thompson-used themes for the challenge.  We call these people “organized and talented.”  Others just “shotgunned” an array of topics based on a particular letter, not through any logical process.  We call these people “delightfully unpredictable,” “wonderfully creative,” and “terrifyingly schizophrenic.”  But, seriously, how many of you knew that you could use “Qi” in Scrabble?  See, crazy has its uses.

Instead, I went for The Grey.  Starring Liam Neeson.
Which doesn't start with 'G.'
Go figure.
    3.  I wrote some dreadfully long posts (like this).  I tried to help things along by putting in a bunch of pretty pictures.  But, I downloaded so many I couldn’t use.  So, for your viewing pleasure (and because this post is threatening to go long), I’ve included them here.

I just love looking at Greek beaches.
If, for no other reason that they may be topless.
Like one of these may be. And I don't mean the dudes.
    4.  I really enjoyed meeting a bunch of new people and hope we can “keep in touch.”  If I’ve commented on your blog, you know who you are and I know how to find you.  You lucky bastard.

Seriously, can you ever have
too many pictures of Iranian soldiers?
Yeah, yeah, death to America. We get it.
    5.  I’d like to personally (“Well, how else would you do it, Mr. Pretentious?”) Matthew from Matthew's Blog and the incredibly poetic Pat Hatt.  These gentlemen (and gluttons for punishment) read every one of my challenge posts.  To quote Sherilin (which I do frequently), Great Googli Moogli!  I wish I could give them an award.  Or offer to pay for their therapy.  Thanks, guys, I really appreciate the support.  And promise I’ll have a check in the mail to you soon.

No, Kryptonite didn't kill Superman.
The Quest for Peace did.
And you thought the one with Richard Pryor sucked.
    6.  Since others have mentioned them, I guess I will.  Captchas, double word verifications, squiggly pain-in-the-ass thingies...whatever.  I don’t know why some people have them.  But, some people do.  Although, I bet not all of them know that they do.  They really never bothered me (the captchas, not the people).  Leave ‘em, if you like.  Since I always want to put my two cents in, I won’t let them stand in my way.

I think I was going to use this for Kryptonite.
George Reeves, Christopher Reeve, Steve Reeves.
Seemed funny at the time.
At least Hercules didn't have to put up
with some lame Nuclear Man character, though.
    7.  Let’s face it, some of my posts just sucked.  I didn’t like the Lemonade one, although I tried to make up for it by writing about Larry from the 3 Stooges.  And that Ragu post?  The more I looked at it, the more I think I just phoned that sucker in.  Still, did you like the ones about Easter and Passover?  Even though they were stupidly long?  All the pictures for the ‘W’ post made me giggle, too.  Especially that one of Pete Whistle.

    8.  I’d love to do the challenge next year.  That is, if those know-it-all Mayans (who, might I add, didn’t even see the Spanish coming) were all full of crap about that end of the world thing.

Schindler's List.
Now don't you feel guilty for laughing?
    9.  What would I do differently next year?  Well, for one, wear pants.  Or I may do a theme.  But, definitely, pants.

    10.  I think I needed to write a tenth observation.  But, I really got nothing.

    The upcoming year promises to be fun.  I have ideas about our fingers, dollar coins, the Food Network, my trip to Virginia, and I may start a series on the history of the world.

Hey, it was either this or the
picture of synchronized swimming
    Speaking of, I promise I’ll finish my exposé on Xerxes the Great.  It’s much more than a lot of dead Spartans, you know.  There’s some dead Athenians, too.

    Sadly, I’m going to cut down on the frequency of my posts.  I really need to get back to working on my WIP (NOTE:  Fancy writer acronym for “Work In Progress.”  Or “Women In Plaid.”), It’s Not Just a Job.

Originally meant for my Yoga post.
Seriously, if this chick farts, she'll snap her neck.
    Similar in tone to Shag Carpet Toilet (Still on Kindle!  Still thousands left!  Still ranked 600,000 out of 1,000,000!  Which may explain why there are...uh...still thousands left), it’s the true, highly embellished story of my time in the Navy (For a limited time only...hooker free!).

    But, I will still read your blogs.  What’s more, I’ll give you my unsolicited opinion on what will probably be carefully thought-out, beautiful essays.

    Call it a heartfelt, literary “pull-my-finger” from me to you.

    I’m sentimental that way.   

      
      

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Patience is a Virtue

  And sloth is a vice.

  You may have noticed that I've pretty much dropped off the face of the Earth this past week.  Mostly, it was because I was so wiped out by the A-Z Challenge that I needed a few days.  


  Then, the weekend came and I was less tuckered.  But, 'Words With Friends,' the yard, Facebook, shiny things, the new "Grannies Gone Wild' website, and, yes, laziness intruded.  In reality, I actually had a couple days during which I could have given you my A-Z Reflections.


  But....nooooo.  Did I mention 'Grannies Gone Wild?'


  Now that the new work week has reared its ugly head like Michael Moore at an All-You-Can-Eat sundae bar, I'm busier than a one-legged wallpaper hanger (or something like that).


  Toss in the fact that I'm going to Virginia tomorrow to pick up the heir to the Penwasser fortune (with which he can buy a ham sandwich) and I'm too busy to write a worthwhile, entertaining post (or whatever it is I write).


  So, if I can have your  patience, I'll need to wait until Friday to write my viewpoints on the ordeal just past.  I promise that by the weekend, you'll be laughing your guts out.  Then, Comedy Central will be over and you can come visit Penwasser Place.


  But, until then, may I present.....
Throw in a Happy Ending and you'll have a friend for life


See you Friday.  I promise.