Monday, April 30, 2012

April 30th-Brought To You By the Letter 'Z'

Zip




It's April 30th. 


I got zip, Zero, zilch, Zsquat (the 'Z' is silent), zada (or 'nada.' Which actually makes more sense...okay, now I'm just being silly).


Plus, I gotta prepare for May Day.  Bolshevik Revolution reenactments don't put themselves on, you know. 


It's been a fun challenge-see you next month!

Saturday, April 28, 2012

April 28th-Brought to You By the Letter 'Y'


Yoga
Can't even touch her toes.
Girl.
  USA Yoga (did you know there was such a thing?) has applied to the United States Olympic Committee for Yoga to become an official sport for the 2016 Olympics.
  
  I don't know a whole lot about Yoga, besides the fact that it would be impossible for me to do it.  What I do know of the activity (I can't call it a sport.  Like bowling) is that it is supposed to be a relaxing experience which combines the ability of the body to twist into something like Auntie Anne's pretzel with the self-realization that it's pretty frikkin' painful to twist the body into something like an Auntie Anne pretzel.
  
Just so ya know...
I walk in on someone doing this and I'm gone.
  It's Yoga's very tranquility and inner peace which attracts adherents throughout the world.
  
  In other words, let's inject a little competitiveness into it.  Nothing like stress to ramp up the extrinsic value of an intrinsic reward.


  Seeking to counter accusations that Olympic Yoga would be a self-defeating exercise in silliness, proponents insist it's really all about assessing strength, balance, flexibility, and the ability not to fart on international television.
  
  Taking their cue from the Yoga Asana competition in New York this past March ('Asana' is Sanskrit for a type of Yoga meant to master the art of 'sitting down.' Shoot, I've got that down.  Just ask anyone at work), judges will assess a competitor's level of proficiency in seven basic postures:
"Man, I seriously shoulda washed these things!"
1.  Standing Head-to-Knee Pose
2.  Standing Bow-Pulling Pose
3.  Bow Pose
4.  Rabbit Pose
5.  Stretching Pose
  The last two will be at the athlete's discretion.  Although, I'm partial to the "Stretching and Yawning" and "Bite Your Toenails" poses.
  
  Who knows, USA Yoga may succeed in their quest for competitive Yoga to make it to Rio in four years.  While some may consider this to be a bit of a stretch for the Olympic Games, one has to consider the fact that the games already have their fair share of questionable "sports."
Such as:


Chasing Yourself With a Ribbon
OR

Playing Hide and Seek with a ball.
And your anus.


OR
Lion Taming.  
Without the lions.

  To say nothing of:
Normally, having eight girls in your pool would be pretty sweet.
But, having them all do the same thing at the same time is pretty creepy.


NOTE:  Sellout crowd.
Of people who couldn't score tickets 

to the basketball-or even team handball-events
  Now, just in case you think it's only the Summer Olympics...


Curling-Hockey for people who can't skate

The Biathlon-combines skiing and shooting.
Okay, show of hands....how many think the Nazis invented this?

  When you consider those Olympic events which have been discontinued since the birth of the modern games in 1896 (or so), it's really not such a stretch to see Yoga as a sport alongside such crowd favorites as bicycling, fencing, canoeing, kayaking, or anything to do with a horse.  
"Up yours, ASPCA!"




  After all, if tug-of-war, live pigeon shooting, underwater obstacle race, and Persian Disemboweling (oh, sorry, that's from the ancient Greek games) were once allowed, why not let a judge from Estonia assess the strength and flexibility of a Bow Pose?
  
  At any rate, it can't be any worse than the proposal by the Olympic Committee of the Republic of Iran:
Synchronized Infidel Stoning


Better they should stick to pigeons.

Or that Rabbit Pose thing.






Friday, April 27, 2012

April 27th-Brought To You By the Letter 'X'


Xerxes the Great
"Hmm, I wonder...should I shave my beard and throw a couple of earrings in my cheeks
like that crazy bastard in the movie?"


"Hey, Betty?
How are you on spoons?"
    In doing research for today’s letter, I learned that the “xylophone” is an instrument for those with slightly more musical talent than needed for the triangle, tambourine, kazoo, spoons, or blocks of wood.


    Sure, I can hear you saying, “Oh, yeah, Al?  Well, what kind of instrument can you play, you’re so smart?”


    To them, I say, “Well, none.  Because I own an iPod.  And I like girls.”


    Besides, “xylophones” are frikkin’ boring.  I’m wanna talk about something a little more interesting.
Well, whaddya know?  It is a ship.
I musta been thinking about zebras.
Wait a minute, zebras aren't cows.
Aw, frik
    I rejected “xebecs” because they’re ships.  Or cows.  Whatever.  I don’t care.


    Likewise, I tossed out a discussion of “xenon” once I learned it was just an odorless gas and not a sexy warrior princess on the Sci-Fi channel.


    X-Men?  Done it.  X-Rays?  Too easy.  Xenophobia?  I like my followers from other countries.  In fact, I’m actually more of a xenophile.  But...no.  Xu?  Word used in ScrabbleXi?  Ditto.


"We used all of our tiles on a triple word
off a double play from another word
for 325 points.
Next year? We talk to girls!"
    NOTE:  Did any of you ever think you would see Scrabble mentioned so many times as in the A-Z Challenge?


    Finally, I remembered a movie I watched on Easter when The Ten Commandments got so doggarned preachy.
"Crap! That Nefertiri babe is pretty hot.
But, nooooooo, I just had to go 

and marry Lily Munster!"
    NOTE:  Giving Scrabble a run for its money for the number of times I mention it in this Cecil B. De Mille classic telling of a Jewish event appropriated by Catholics.

   Sure to be a future Easter classic, 300 on TNT is the story of 300 (that’s where they get the title...duh) Spartans led by King Leonidas against the evil Persians of...uh...Persia.


    You know these crazy cats better as Iranians.
"Well, as long as we brought sunblock,
I guess we're good to go."


    For almost two hours, these brave warriors use sword, spear, and pectoral muscles against the very best the enemy could fling at them.  It’s only after the treachery of some guy who would make Michael Moore attractive that the Greeks are defeated.


    After I got over my initial disappointment that there was no nudity in this “Modified For Television” feature, I grew curious about Leonidas’ opponent, Xerxes.


"Oh, yeah? Cross me, you Persian faggot
and I will soooo eff you up!"
    Was he the most powerful individual in antiquity?  Did he hold sway over all the world, except for China, the Mafia, South America, the Eskimos, New Jersey, the Super Friends, George Soros, Batman, and Betty White?  Was he a raging flamer who showed an inordinate interest in Leonidas’s fighting prowess and loincloth?


    Since I’d been disappointed in Hollywood before (I really thought a man-and monkeys-could fly), I decided to do some digging.  Figuring a source which gave us dogs saying “I love you” and dancing babies couldn’t steer me wrong, I consulted the Internet.
Why brothers and sisters should never marry


    Xerxes the Great was born in 519 BC to Atossa and Darius the Great.  Both of his parents were descended from Achaemenes, but of different Achaemenid lines.  The source documents were pretty clear on that as they wanted to leave no doubt there was no incest hanky-panky going on.  After all, they weren’t Egyptians.  If those people wanted kids with feet growing out of their foreheads, that was their business.  But, the Persians played it on the up and up.


    Anyway, Darius knew that marrying a daughter of the great Cyrus the Great (but I’m being redundant) would certainly help his plan for kingship.  Plus, it would help his application to the Nineveh Country Club get approved.


    NOTE:  Apparently, the suffix “the Great” was a pretty big thing in ancient Persia.  Which was why Darius’ brother, Herschel the So-So, was never taken seriously.


"C'mon tough guy! We got pyramids
and brothers and sisters who marry each other.
And plagues of frogs and boils.
But, hey, who doesn't?"
    Anyway, Darius was all pissed at off at everyone, from Babylon to that guy who sold him those Kinoki foot pads.  But, he was most hacked off at the Greeks.  Who, besides having grass and a recipe for some kick-ass souvlaki, had some of the sweetest nude beaches in the Mediterranean.  So, he made intense preparations for an invasion of...Egypt.


    Hey, I didn’t write this stuff.


"Plus, for a small fee, we can make
that pain-in-the-ass
building inspector
from Persepolis just disappear."
    Before he left the country, Persian law (wasn’t he the boss?) dictated that he name a successor.  I guess this was just in case he got whacked.  Or was having too much fun on a Greek beach.


    Before doing so, he contracted with Gambino and Sons building contractors to build him a tomb.  After permits were finally approved once the Zoning Officer found the head of a camel in his bed, construction began at Naqsh-e Rostam (yeah, I’m not going to look it up, either).  Freed from the stress of planning his final resting spot and picking out window treatments, Darius then named his son, Xerxes, as his successor.

    Okay, this is now over 700 words and you’re probably getting pretty tired of reading this.  So...I have a few choices: 


1.  I could edit this way down.  But, that would deny you the chance to gain valuable insight into the story of a man who terrorized the cradle of democracy.  Plus, editing’s hard.


"Do you really think I needed 1,000 pages
 to tell you dopes that
the monster in It was a spider?"
2.  I could keep writing.  But, that would result in a beastly long post which would make a Stephen King novel look as big as “The Wit and Wisdom of Al Gore.”  You’d then stop reading and off you’d go to www.chickenlovin.com (I’ve no idea if this is a real site.  I really hope not).


3.  Or I could continue this tomorrow.  But, the A-Z Challenge requires that I go on to the next letter, which is ‘Y.’  Sure, I could write Xerxes Part II in addition to a post on ‘Y,’ but are you nuts?  This stuff is tough enough.


    So, I’m going to continue this sometime during the first half of May. 

In other words.....to be continued...

In...

The Great Xerxes the Great Sequel!

Thursday, April 26, 2012

April 26th-Brought to You By the Letter 'W'

Word Fun


Water Dog


Dog Water
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Water Lily


Lily Waters
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Whalebone


Bone whale
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Wheezy


Weezy
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Wench
Wepairman
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Whistleblow


Blow Whistle
Pete Whistle
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White Fly


Fly White
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White Rhinoceros


White Elephant
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Whoop De Do


Scooby Do
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Whoopi Pies


Whoopi Goldberg
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Wiggle


Wiggle Room
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Willy-Nilly


Willy Wonka
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Witch Hunt


Helen Hunt
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Woodcock


Cock Wood
I'd want to be a real boy, too
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Woodpecker


Peckerwood
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Work of Art


Work of Garfunkel
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Whooping Crane


Bob Crane
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Wishbone


Bone Wish