Sunday, November 18, 2012

Home Repair Hiatus


    Which I sincerely hope doesn't result in a Home Repair Hiatal Hernia.
Hmm...for some reason, I thought a hernia involved the testicles.
And a diaphragm had something to do with birth control.
Who knew?
Probably not a good idea to stand downwind
when you're using spray paint.
    Mrs. Penwasser has me confused with someone named “Trump” (without the bad hair).  She apparently thinks we have a ton of money.  As a result, we’ve donated thousands of dollars to our local home improvement superstore (does it really matter which one?) to finance a number of projects this fall:  paint the garage, install a new vanity and ceramic tile floor in the bathroom, and completely renovate the kitchen.

    A lot of the work will be done by contractors (aka “people with skills”) because I would totally F things up.  However, we’ll (and by “we’ll,” I mean “I”) be tackling a lot of the tasks ourselves to save a little money to, you know, eat. 

Kitchen:  Before
    Most daunting will be demolition of the kitchen which she feels I can handle (because, really, what’s the worst that can happen if I, as is likely, completely F things up?  I’m like an undertaker that way-“Honey, I got one back today”).

Kitchen:  After
    I’m convinced I’ll be doing much more than I anticipate.  For instance, while a new toilet is not in the cards, I bet I get one.  Especially after I try to reinstall the present one after laying the new floor (remember:  F things up).

    What this means is that, what would take a rhesus monkey a week, will probably take me into 2013 to finish.
"End of the world, end of the world..."
"I know, that Penwasser doesn't give it a break."
"Hey, shouldn't we be ripping hearts out of people?"
"Those are the Aztecs, dumbass."
"Oh...that's right.  Can never get that straight."
"Just put that horn on the feather thingie and shut up."

"Why?"
"It'll confuse the hell out of archeologists."
"Awesome."

    NOTE:  Unless the Mayans are proved right. Then all bets are off.  Bottom line, who gives a crap about a new toilet if the world ends?
    NOTE, PART DOS:  Please note that I used “crap,” “toilet,” and “end” in the same sentence.  Aren’t I the clever dickens?
    NOTE, PART TRES:  Hee...hee...hee.  I said “DICKens.”

    Because of this, I won’t be on Blogger nearly as much as I’d like.  Somehow, I think Mrs. Penwasser would look askance at me telling penis jokes when I should be laying tile (which would be painful.  Hey, I made a funny).

"Oh, yeah?
Well, you try writing anything
with a bullet in your head."
    Oh, sure, there will still be Facebook Funnies (let’s face it, it doesn’t take Ernest Hemingway to write one of those.  And not ‘cause he’s dead) and I’ll throw a couple reposts your way.  Or six.  Because, let’s face it, nothing says the holidays quite like reruns.

    I’ll do my very best to read your posts and give you a witty comment (because isn’t that why we all post?  To receive vindication of our writing by complete strangers?).

    I won’t disappear.  But, like winning seasons by the New York Jets, you won’t see a lot of me.

    And that may be a good thing.

    Don’t worry, though.  Like herpes, I’ll be back.

    Oh, that’s an unfortunate phrase.  How’s this, instead:

    Wish me luck.
"So, it doesn't have anything to do with my nuts?
Whew, well thank God for that.
Still, I'll bet it hurts like a bitch."
  

43 comments:

  1. Replies
    1. Thanks! My back is already complaining, "Hey! What the hell are you planning up there, Penwasser!?"

      Delete
  2. This should be interesting! Can't wait.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I can't wait until St. Patricks Day.
      It should be done by then.
      If it's not, at least I can get drunk.

      Delete
  3. Good Luck Mrs P - yer gonna need it.....

    ReplyDelete
  4. LMAO you sure fit much into that one sentence haha and good luck, hopefully like herpes your repairs stick and they don't get f'ed up haha

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I just hope the cabinets stay on the walls.

      Delete
  5. "let’s face it, nothing says the holidays quite like reruns." Haha, this is so very true Al. Seriously hoping that this redevelopment goes well though and that you get to post as much as possible, it's all cool though because it sounds like you've got a huge project on your hands and that's very important, best of luck dude!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Charlie Brown, Rudolf the Red-Nosed Reindeer, Frosty the Snowman, watching to see if Great-Uncle Leonard is still breathing-or asleep in front of the TV-after eating Christmas dinner....yes, these are the things which make up fond holiday memories.

      Delete
  6. I hope the place looks great when you're done. My house could do with a serious overhaul but we don't have enough money to pretend we have enough money :(

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I hope it does, too. The brochure looked nice, anyway.
      And I have professionals doing it.
      So, I have that going for me.

      Delete
  7. oh the things that happen when the kids move out. suddenly mom needs a new project, so dad gets to do it. and by it, i mean the project mom thought up.
    good luck, al. i would've been happy to do some of that demo with you. i love swinging a hammer and breaking stuff.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I know. I thought having the kids move out meant I could walk around in my underwear.
      NOW she tells me.
      I miss the kids.

      Delete
  8. Penwasser reruns...nothing says the holidays quite like re-gifting. Okay, now that I know this is how you're playing it I'll be hauling out last year's "treasures" and featuring them on new backgrounds so no one will be the wiser.

    And...yeah, the renos are looking good, particularly the "after" photo of the kitchen...that must have cost a fortune to get that rustic 1910 look...good call, with the Mayan thing being a sure thing I say why waste bucks on indoor plumbing anyway!

    Great post, Al...as always it was good for a few belly jiggles which caused Wee Dog to look up and say "Do you mind, I was sleeping on the belly!"

    Cheers and happy hiatus! Jenny

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm hoping I won't be on "reduced" output for very long. My priorities will be staying in touch with everyone. Maybe it's a kindness that you won't be forced to read new stuff...?

      Delete
  9. Be sure and take a lot of before and after pictures, not of the projects but of your hands. I want to count the number of fingers you have left when you're done. Ha!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You know, I think I shall. Maybe showing you my "home pictures" would be cathartic. Thank goodness I have ten fingers (well, eight fingers and two thumbs).

      Delete
  10. Luck rhymes with fuck things up, doesn't it? Hmmm. Good luck anyway.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Also "truck."
      Which this morning gave me a "Check Engine" light.
      Ohhhh, fuck.

      Delete
  11. It always takes longer than you think. It has with every room we have done so far.
    Having contractors will help though.
    Tell Mrs. Penwasser that if she thought your kitchen looked bad, she just does not want to even think of looking at mine.
    You saw my bedroom before pics so that may give you a clue.
    Good luck!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. In fact, the story of your renovation was foremost in my mind when I was describing the coming storm at my house.

      Delete
  12. We are thinking about selling and buying another. Which of course means we have to finish all of our left over projects... *sigh* Totally feeling your pain my friend. (But not the type in your testicles.)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Part of the motivation behind doing all this is the possibility of selling Chez Penwasser (Great Googli Moogli, if THAT doesn't sound pretentious).

      Delete
  13. It would be clever to use the end of the world as an excuse to not deal with...yeah.ok. see you one the other side.

    Your comments shall be missed. Good night, and good luck.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think Mrs. Penwasser would accept the Apocalypse as an excuse.
      Especially if I had a note.

      Delete
  14. That is quite a lot to put on your plate, even with the help of contractors. Good luck to the Penwasser Family!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Mrs. Penwasser mentioned yesterday that maybe our "timing" wasn't the best.
      Ya think?
      And today-today!-the "Check Engine" light came on in my truck.

      Delete
  15. Good luck! I admire you for tackling the project! Mr. Eva is totally useless as a repair and renovations man. He's cute, though, so I forgive him.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think I can tear things up okay. It's just fixing it back up which scares me.

      Delete
  16. So you're going to experience forced labour? It'll be better for the soul than the body, Solzhenitsyn wrote a book about it.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Well every potty has a pooper and...I don't know where I'm going with this, except down the drain. Good luck with your toils. May it all flow smoothly.

    xoRobyn

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well, I'm on the potty and I'm going p...well, it's best we don't speak of it.

      Delete
  18. Om ever-lovin' G, Penwasser. This was hilarious. One of my fave posts of yours.
    Please- like herpes- come back. We will miss you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Speaking of....now I've got a cold sore on my upper lip. When smart alecks tell me I have Herpes, I tell them "Herpes Simplex II! Herpes Simplex II!!!!"
      Crap, I hope I have that one right.

      Delete
  19. Sexy goggles dude.
    Renos suck eggs. You have my condolences.

    ReplyDelete
  20. love the blasted kitchen pic... send it as yr thanksgiving card... "wish you were here, love mr & mrs al penwasser esq"

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That would have been hilarious. I wish I thought of it. Maybe I could do it for Christmas, though. Only I could add,
      "If you're coming, please bring everything."

      Delete
    2. put a santa hat on some rubble too. people love that shit. and yr caption is perfect

      Delete
    3. Well, who doesn't love Santa? Except maybe the Easter Bunny. But I think he's just jealous.

      Delete
  21. Good luck with your renovations. I just heard about an ad for new t-shirts for plumbers. They're made three inches longer for extra coverage while bending over. Might make a nice gift for Mrs. P. Happy Thanksgiving to you and your family!
    Julie

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I've seen an ad for the same kind of tee shirts. Only they have a butt crack airsprayed on the back. Same difference. Only maybe less gross.

      Delete