Monday, October 8, 2012

Goodbye Columbus

  The following is a repost from last year.  Which was probably a repost from the year before.  Anyway, like I've said in previous bouts of laziness, holidays (or Columbus Day) are perfect excuses for reruns.  If you don't believe me, how many times have you seen A Charlie Brown Christmas?  That thing is almost as old as I am. 
 
  Plus, I'm watching the baseball playoffs. 
 
  Better than a sleeping pill.

My hair is such a frikkin' mess-thank God I had this goofy hat. 
We didn't have the Hair Cuttery in the 15th Century, ya know. 
We had the plague and the Inquisition, though.
   
     I love October. 

    The air is redolent with the sweet aroma of burning leaves, high school gridirons thunder with the sound of fiercely-waged contests, Christmas lights-incredibly-start going up, and early-morning frosts warn of the coming winter.
   
    October also lets us celebrate the exploits of an intrepid band of explorers who set sail from Barcelona in search of a western route to the fabulous wealth of the East (yeah, going west to get east doesn’t make a whole lot of sense to me, either).

I said 'Sit the F down!"

    In other words, the tenth month gives us a chance to bemoan the rape and pillage of a pristine wilderness by evil, white, European males who wouldn’t know a bar of soap if it smacked them in the heads.

     So, in recognition of their accomplishments, mailmen get the day off and shopping malls trot out their very best Columbus Day displays of bed linen (“Just imagine how comfy the Santa Maria would have been if they only had these sheets!!”).

     As a holiday, though, Columbus Day really doesn’t rank up there with the Big Four of Hanukkah, Christmas, New Years, and Boxing Day.  It doesn’t draw in the romantics like Valentines Day, the patriots like the 4th of July, or even the corned beef and Guinness crowd like St. Patrick’s Day.

     More times than not, we hardly know it’s happened until the evening news greets us with, “Happy Columbus Day! Too bad you hadda go to work! Ha, ha, ha!”

     My family has for many years celebrated each holiday, no matter how innocuous. For example, on Presidents’ Day, we used to dress up as our favorite Commanders in Chief until my brother spoiled it for everyone a few years ago when, dressed as Bill Clinton, he got arrested for having his pants down in front of a convent.

     For some reason, though, we never did much to celebrate the day in 1492 when Ferdinand and Isabella’s favorite Genoan set foot in the New World and proclaimed, “What the frik you mean this isn’t China!?"

     In order to make it easier for everyone to properly observe one of the most significant accomplishments in world history right behind invention of “The Clapper,” might I offer the following ways to celebrate Columbus Day:

Apparently, Northern Indians were more
bad ass than the ones down south

10. Slash the tires of those obnoxious, know-it-all “Vikings were here first!” punks at the Leif Eiriksson Community Center.

9. Try to convince anyone that parrots, monkeys, and coconuts are just as valuable as jewels, gold, and silk.

8. Go to the local tribal casino, extend a heartfelt apology, drop a bundle at the craps table.

7. Put on a wrinkled raincoat, chew on a cigar, try to figure out who put the poison in Miss Van Dyver’s highball...oh, I’m sorry, that’s how to celebrate COLUMBO Day.

6. Grab some library books, cross out all references to ‘America’ and replace them with ‘Chrisville.’ Draw moustaches and bucked teeth on pictures of Amerigo Vespucci.

5. Bring Christianity to your neighbors at the point of a gun before selling them into slavery, claim your street for your family, pass out blankets riddled with smallpox to the homeless, and shake down passers-by, insisting they tell you where their gold is.

4. Go to a Chinese restaurant dressed as Columbus, walk in, and shout, “So, HERE’s where you people were all hiding!”

3. Forward a petition to the city council demanding equal time with Labor Day.

2. With your friends, build a scaled-down replica of Columbus’s fleet, drift aimlessly on the town pond, claim YWCA summer camp for Spain.

1. Once more dressed as Columbus, visit a deforested national park (or strip mine), issue “Ooops, my bad!” statement to the press.

There now, I hope this list inspires you to do something other than complain when you can’t use the drive-up window at the bank.

     But, if it’ll make you feel better, go get yourself a cannoli.

     Chris would’ve wanted it that way.





To my good friends north of the border: Happy Canadian Thanksgiving! May your harvest tables be blessed with bountiful feasts and happily free of moose pies.

As Martin Frobisher would have said, “Sure, it makes more sense than eating outside in Massachusetts in November, but don’t you think we could’ve thrown in a four-day weekend like the United States?”

38 comments:

  1. I remember reading this post last year and loving it Al, great stuff buddy. Happy Columbus day and Canadian Thanksgiving too!

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    1. Canadian Thanksgiving, despite my countless jabs, is a real nice holiday. I was very honored to be invited to a Canadian military officer's house for his family's celebration. It was a lot of fun. Until we had to play hockey over coffee and dessert.

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  2. Thanks for the reminder. I had no idea it was Columbus Day. It's business as usual in these here parts, except I guess I won't be receiving any annoying election mailers.

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    1. And there's no mail delivery. But, like the programmed drone that I am, I STILL checked my mailbox when I goit home.

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  3. Who the hell is Amerigo Vespucci???? Let me guess, he had a mustache and buck teeth. No, I won't google him.

    I thought Chris was looking for India. That's why the native Indians are called "Indians". Check that will ya.

    Love that caption under the picture "Sit the F down"! OMG, if I had a drink in my mouth I would have ruined my keyboard!

    I never did and still don't understand why we idolize someone who brutally butchered thousands of Indians , stole and pillaged the land here. Yeah, I want my kid to esteem to someone like that!

    I hate holidays like this for that reason: I get no mail. Don't they understand that as a SAHM that's our highlight??? DUH!

    You're hilarious!

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    1. Seriously, Vespucci was a real guy who had America named after him. And he was looking for the Indies, which included Japan, China (Cathay), India, and probably islands full of monkeys, as well. Sadly, the butchering didn't stop with Chris and the Boys.

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    2. So we continue to salute people like this by shutting down various government offices and disrupting the mail delivery. Amazing.

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  4. I do hear a lot of people clamoring for Columbus Day to be changed, or just stopped entirely. It is a pretty bad thing to celebrate when you think about it but I think sadly people don't really think about it much.

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    1. I'd be okay if it went away. Especially since I don't get the day off.

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  5. My daughter made me double check to make sure school wasn't closed today. She was so disappointed when she saw the only thing marked on the school calendar was Progress Reports on Friday - DOH!!

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    1. Surprisingly, a lot of schools around here had it off. Those rat bastids.

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  6. I hate moose pie, never has enough antler.

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    1. And you can never have enough of that.

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  7. I like #4 the best. This was very educational since it's Thanksgiving here and I didn't even know "Columbus Day" existed.

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    1. And a lot of people around here didn't know that it was Canadian Thanksgiving. I reminded them that it was a legit holiday which includes legit feasts. I was invited to one of those. It was way cool.

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    2. I liked #4 the best, too. Although, when I tried it, nobody answered. But, I DID have a very nice #5 with steamed rice and a spring roll.

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  8. Moose pie will never be on my table and monkeys can be valuable I suppose haha Columbus Day does seem like a day that is kind of pointless, but then I suppose it might beat barbie in a blender day.

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  9. I love your historical accounts! But why is there a holiday for Columbus? Never has the world suffered more from someone who didn't know what he was doing and where he was going? And by the way, when IS Columbo Day? I don't want to miss out on an opportunity to trot out my glass eye.

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    1. I think the whole thing was a Mob racket.

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  10. I keep forgetting it's Canadian thanksgiving in oct

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    1. Better than in the US. November tends to freeze our niblets.

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    1. When I demanded an answer, they told me I'd have it in "ten minnit."

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  12. Found you from Mark's blog, and I am half Canadian, and yes, we do celebrate Canada Day even here in England.
    I really enjoyed what I just read, so I guess I'm going to have to follow you to see where you lead.

    No Moose pie though...I'm vegetarian!

    http://ladyofmuse.blogspot.com/

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    1. Thank goodess you don't like moose pie. I gave it up when all I wanted to do was lie around in bogs and jump into traffic.

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  13. I was hoping that I could repeat my comment from last year, but somehow I missed this classic post. Now I'll be up all night trying to think of what I could've possibly been doing that was more important. Maybe I was running around in my wrinkled raincoat thinking that it was Columbo Day! Bravissimo! Julie

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    1. More important than Columbus Day? Next you'll tell me you're too busy to celebrate Flag Day.

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  14. (“Just imagine how comfy the Santa Maria would have been if they only had these sheets!!”)
    = Genius :)
    I sure enjoyed the day loafing under my sheets yesterday. Hey- a Statie's gotta State.

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  15. Columbus Day was officially October 12th, the day after my birthday, which was great because school was always closed near my birthday. I pretended it was in honor of ME instead of Columbus. Of course, my classmate was named John COLUMBUS, who's birthday was actually ON Columbus Day. How could I top that?

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    1. We actually had a Mary Christmas in my high school (no kidding).
      Always thought her parents were dicks for calling her that.
      Especially since she was Jewish (okay, I'm kidding there).

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  16. rad post al!!!
    this week, my jr.high students and i continued to discuss this possibility:
    what if vespucci was named charles or chuck... would we be called chuckles? would the northerners be up-chuckles?
    from the mouths of babes, i tells ya. love them!!!

    up-chuckles.

    happy chuckle day

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    1. I love Chuckles. Except the licorice ones.
      Oh crap. Does that mean I'm a racist?
      Unrelated: Do you know when they're going to finish that new overpass in New Haven (a new Kew Bridge)? It looks pretty and can't be any worse then the present road.

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  17. I saw the news on Columbus Day and they said a wreath had been laid at the foot of his statue in honor of civil service. Excuse me, did I miss something?
    Also-another way to honor Columbus would be to take a couple piglets and let them loose in the streets. Don't go get them, just leave them to breed and wreck people's gardens.

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    1. Civil Service? I don't get that one at all. I would think the people of the Caribbean would think that the Spanish were anything BUT civil.

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