Monday, October 29, 2012

Ghosties and Ghoulies Who Extort in the Night

NOTE:  The following is a repeat from last year.  Which is a repeat from the year before that.  What can I say?  The holidays bring out the sentimental ole softie in me.  Okay, and the lazy ole slackass.  Incidentally, you can expect the same for Veterans Day, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years.  Don’t worry, though, I’ll have something new prepared for National Kazoo Day, January 28th (which, when you come right down to it, isn’t it sad that I know that?). 
I’ve put in new pictures, though.  Mostly because I don’t know how to copy the old ones from last year.  So you have that going for you. 
Besides, if you haven’t read it, it’s new to you.

"Oh, yeah?  Well, who the hell do you think you are criticizing Al Penwasser for posting a repeat!?  Good grief, we've been doing this since 1966!  And I don't even have boobs yet!!"

    Halloween.  What a hoot.

Talk about goblin.
   I know, I’s a day allegedly drenched in satanic trappings and all manner of horrifying images:  ghosts, goblins, witches, Anthony Weiner, Naked Madonna, blah, blah, blah.

    Rather than surrender to the Dark Lord (who could be Dick Cheney, for all I know), the politically correct observe the holiday via nonsensical “Fall Parades”, “Harvest Festivals”, or “Insert-Festive-Name-Here” celebrations.

    Hand-wringing ninnies also prefer that children not dress up as traditionally spooky characters.  Instead, they dress their tykes as non-threatening characters such as “Insurance Salesman”, “Foot Doctor,” “Dr. Phil,” or “Blue Man Group.”

Spawns of Satan
Especially the chicken
    Oh, c’mon!  I took my kids to a Halloween celebration a few years ago (okay, many years ago.  Remember: repost) and not once did I detect the icy grip of Lucifer on pillowcases chock full of Snickers and Jolly Ranchers.  After all, I find it very hard to believe that the Devil resides in clowns, ballerinas, or SpongeBob Squarepants.

    The extortion element of Trick-Or-Treating aside, it’s just a fun day for kids to dress up and happily pander from door to door.  I’m not going to begrudge them a chance to have fun just because some simpering idiots think the day glorifies evil.

"Oh, yeah?  Well, at least I didn't molest any interns.
Coulda used a comb, though."
    Halloween was a big deal when we were kids.  I remember planning what we were going to wear soon after school started in the Fall.  I even remember the costumes:  Superman, Green Hornet, Spiderman (yes, even then), Hulk, Frankenstein, Mummy, “Glow-In-The-Dark Skeleton”, Millard Fillmore, Underdog, and (the one that really never caught on) “Dr. Scholl’s Foot Pad Monster.”
Came in handy when all the "non-sucky" costumes were gone.
Still not as hideous as that Seth Rogan movie, though.

    Unlike nowadays, we were never bird-dogged by our parents as we ran like scatterbrains through our neighborhoods, feasting on insane amounts of chocolate.

    We knew the unwritten Halloween code: only go to houses with their lights on, lookout for razor blades in the Milky Ways, don’t bother going to the convent (because mothball-flavored Butter Rum LifeSavers suck), and take only one piece of candy from the bowl of those too lazy to hand them out themselves (yeah, RIGHT, always followed THAT rule!). 

"Next time?
You may want to to keep those
popcorn balls to yourself, chief."

    Oh, and fling eggs at the houses of those who dared hand out:  apples, popcorn balls, pennies, toothbrushes, ketchup packets, and packets of Equal.

There's such a thing as
having too many Snickers
    My friends and I couldn’t get enough of this sweet deal (no pun intended).  So, from six o’clock until nine, we knocked on doors hoping to score so much sugar that our arms would go numb from lugging around our sacks (Of CANDY!  Keep it clean, people).

    A bonus was, since we went to Catholic School, we could sleep in the next day, All Saints Day.  To those “in the club” (so to speak), November 1st is a “Holy Day of Obligation.”  As such, it was a day off from school (a moot point if it fell on the weekend.  In that case, we groused that we were ripped off by Jesus).

    This meant we could shove candy down our throats until we passed out, woke up, ate some Sugar Smacks, inhaled more Three Musketeers, watched cartoons, and made fun of the public school kids as they trudged off to class.

    NOTE:  This was the best part of having the day off because the public school kids beat us up the rest of the year.   Even the girls.

    My point is, what’s so wrong with a holiday that gives children a chance to play dress up, carve pumpkins, and gorge themselves on goodies doomed to eventually become petrified lumps of sugar on top of the refrigerator?


    You know why?

    Because Satan doesn’t like Peanut M&Ms.
"Well, if you must know, the effin' things melt in my hands, that's why."


  1. That Satan bit at the end really made me laugh Al, I remember reading this last year and loving it as well so it's good to see it again. I feel sad that I'm no longer the blank slate for reposts around here but I guess that's how things go when you've been visiting Penwasser Place for so long!

    1. It's because of folks like you that I at least try to put in new pictures. Like that Satan one. Glad you liked it.

  2. Satan doesn't like the peanut ones? But I thought they were a tool of the devil. I haven't dressed up for Halloween in years, I actually can't remember the last time I did it. It seems there's some kind of law when you can dress up until an appropriate age (say 14) and then you're not allowed to dress up again until 19 when you can go to an adult halloween party where you can drink and all of a sudden the girls are dressed in outfits where everyone is preceded by the word "Slutty".

  3. Peanut M&Ms are the candies of the gods. Satan wouldn't dare touch one as he'd burst into flame....err..or whatever bad happens to him when he touches holy things.

    Halloween has long been my favorite holiday and the uptight folks who refuse to embrace it, lest they turn evil like the rest of us, make me long for the days of egging houses.

    1. My church is pretty progressive. They serve Peanut M&Ms for Communion.

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  5. Let the kiddies have some fun indeed. Although not sure I'd call Halloween a holiday. I mean you don't get it off work or anything haha. That snickers crack was great.

    1. I especially enjoyed that one. Snickers are my favorite candies. I just had the Peanut Butter ones last week. OMG.

  6. Dress your kids up as Hurricane Sandy if you really want to scare the neighbours.

    1. In that case, the neighbor's kids are early. Because, apparently, those little bastards are knocking at my door right now!

  7. Replies
    1. I think I'll disguise myself as a "Hurricane Survivor."

  8. Point # 1: I must have missed those wonderful Millard Fillmore costumes. We got stuck with Franklin Pierce, the man without a chin.

    Point. #2: Our nuns gave out good candy. And afterwards, Sister Ann forgot to shut the blinds when she stripped to her bra. (Even then, though, that wasn't that big a thing, but it did happen.)

    1. We figured that anything named 'Millard' HAD to be scary.
      Re: Sister Ann-1,000 years in Purgatory for you, young man.

  9. Read it last year and enjoyed it again this year!

  10. Yeah, Satan can have the tootbrushes.

  11. Always love your reports - it lets me skim through them for a second time (ha!). Stay safe in this storm!

  12. My husband's birthday is January 28. Thanks to you, I 'll have to buy him two presents! How did you get that man with the magnificent smile to pose for another picture? Loved the story, captions and even your "Hurricane Survivor Costume" comment! Hope you and your family stay safe. Julie

  13. I agree with you; let the kids have some fun. You only have a very short time to be a kid, and forever to be an adult.

  14. Yes, let the little ones have fun. That's why I put a mask on, grab a pillow case, knock on doors and say "twik or tweet!" Works like a charm year after year - so long as I'm not disguised as Cheney or that Progressive b*tch.


  15. Now I feel cheated that I never grew up in your country...although you guys are waiting out a super storm...
    Be safe and come back to us in one piece ok?

  16. Flinging eggs ,eh? Think I would have forgotten my hospitable side
    if you'd ever showed up at my door!

  17. Hahaha! "Simpering idiots" . . . "Hand-wringing ninnies" . . .
    You're dead-on with your point, Penwasser. DEAD-ON.

  18. Um, I like Peanut M&Ms... they are my favorites. Tell Satan he can give them to me. :)

  19. Yes, you beat me to it!! Thanks for swinging by my blog. You are one funny guy... in a nice way! LOL.
    Laughter IS the best medicine (as cliched as that may sound) and I DO believe that God has a sense of humor...

  20. gimme some candy. want chocolate now.
    read over all other words.
    holding you responsible for chocolate cravings.