NOTE: The following is a repeat from last year. Which is a repeat from the year before that. What can I say? The holidays bring out the sentimental ole softie in me. Okay, and the lazy ole slackass. Incidentally, you can expect the same for Veterans Day, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years. Don’t worry, though, I’ll have something new prepared for National Kazoo Day, January 28th (which, when you come right down to it, isn’t it sad that I know that?).
I’ve put in new pictures, though. Mostly because I don’t know how to copy the old ones from last year. So you have that going for you.
Besides, if you haven’t read it, it’s new to you.
|"Oh, yeah? Well, who the hell do you think you are criticizing Al Penwasser for posting a repeat!? Good grief, we've been doing this since 1966! And I don't even have boobs yet!!"|
Halloween. What a hoot.
|Talk about goblin.|
I know, I know...it’s a day allegedly drenched in satanic trappings and all manner of horrifying images: ghosts, goblins, witches, Anthony Weiner, Naked Madonna, blah, blah, blah.
Rather than surrender to the Dark Lord (who could be Dick Cheney, for all I know), the politically correct observe the holiday via nonsensical “Fall Parades”, “Harvest Festivals”, or “Insert-Festive-Name-Here” celebrations.
Hand-wringing ninnies also prefer that children not dress up as traditionally spooky characters. Instead, they dress their tykes as non-threatening characters such as “Insurance Salesman”, “Foot Doctor,” “Dr. Phil,” or “Blue Man Group.”
|Spawns of Satan |
Especially the chicken
The extortion element of Trick-Or-Treating aside, it’s just a fun day for kids to dress up and happily pander from door to door. I’m not going to begrudge them a chance to have fun just because some simpering idiots think the day glorifies evil.
|"Oh, yeah? Well, at least I didn't molest any interns. |
Coulda used a comb, though."
Halloween was a big deal when we were kids. I remember planning what we were going to wear soon after school started in the Fall. I even remember the costumes: Superman, Green Hornet, Spiderman (yes, even then), Hulk, Frankenstein, Mummy, “Glow-In-The-Dark Skeleton”, Millard Fillmore, Underdog, and (the one that really never caught on) “Dr. Scholl’s Foot Pad Monster.”
|Came in handy when all the "non-sucky" costumes were gone. |
Still not as hideous as that Seth Rogan movie, though.
Unlike nowadays, we were never bird-dogged by our parents as we ran like scatterbrains through our neighborhoods, feasting on insane amounts of chocolate.
We knew the unwritten Halloween code: only go to houses with their lights on, lookout for razor blades in the Milky Ways, don’t bother going to the convent (because mothball-flavored Butter Rum LifeSavers suck), and take only one piece of candy from the bowl of those too lazy to hand them out themselves (yeah, RIGHT, always followed THAT rule!).
|"Next time? |
You may want to to keep those
popcorn balls to yourself, chief."
Oh, and fling eggs at the houses of those who dared hand out: apples, popcorn balls, pennies, toothbrushes, ketchup packets, and packets of Equal.
|There's such a thing as |
having too many Snickers
A bonus was, since we went to Catholic School, we could sleep in the next day, All Saints Day. To those “in the club” (so to speak), November 1st is a “Holy Day of Obligation.” As such, it was a day off from school (a moot point if it fell on the weekend. In that case, we groused that we were ripped off by Jesus).
This meant we could shove candy down our throats until we passed out, woke up, ate some Sugar Smacks, inhaled more Three Musketeers, watched cartoons, and made fun of the public school kids as they trudged off to class.
NOTE: This was the best part of having the day off because the public school kids beat us up the rest of the year. Even the girls.
My point is, what’s so wrong with a holiday that gives children a chance to play dress up, carve pumpkins, and gorge themselves on goodies doomed to eventually become petrified lumps of sugar on top of the refrigerator?
You know why?
Because Satan doesn’t like Peanut M&Ms.