Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Got Some 'splainin' To Do

If you look closely, you can see that my nose really is out of joint.
"Hey! Leave me out of this, you whiner!
I got enough problems."
  As a lot of you know, I got my nose seriously bent out of joint (for my British friends:  my knickers all in a twist) last Thursday after a comment made by Mark in response to my latest 'Facebook Funnies.'  In it I poked fun at my favorite target (besides Anthony Weiner), Mahmoud Imadinnerjacket (or something like that).
  
  In the picture I posted, the fuzzy little lunatic bemoans the fact that he must have left his day planner in a pair of pants at 'Death To America Dry Cleaners.'  Mark commented that he hoped the profits from such a venture would go to promoting death in America.
  
"Me, too, yew crayshy pieesh a baloney, ya...huh, ossifer?
Don't yew know hoo eye am? I'm...huh?
Yep, a STAR!  Hellloooo!  Parent Trap?  Freaky Friday?
Big Fat Liar?  No, wait.  That wush Amanda Bynes.
Penwasser who?"
  When I read that, the synapses in the chia pet I call a brain started sputtering nonsensically like Lindsay Lohan at a sobriety check.  I determined at that time I wasn't having any fun and decided to end it all (whoa!  I mean stop writing....I'm not leaving the planet until I'm good and ready.  Which, at my age, will be relatively soon.  Have you seen the picture above?).
  
  Never mind that Mark offered a sincere apology.  He said that he, above most people, abhors violence.  And that's true.  He's a good guy who meant no harm.
  
  Then, it came back to whether I was really having any fun.  For a couple days I wasn't.  The world today is so full of hatred (and not just at the NFL replacement referees).  Especially in my country right now there is so much vitriol (NOTE:  snooty, pretentious term for "douchery."  NOTE #2:  "Douchery" is NOT a real word).  Obama sucks, Romney sucks, Michelle has a fat ass, etc etc.  (NOTE:  two of the preceding are true), I just felt down.
  
  Then, after reading your comments, I decided I didn't want to go away, after all.  I decided that I'm really having a good time here. And I hope you're having fun reading this.  Although, you may want to rethink things.
  
  So, at the risk of droning on and on (I know, too late), I wanted to 'splain myself before I once more launch into tales of piss heel creme, old man toe, testosterone gel (that's coming), and Canadian Thanksgiving.
  
  Thanks again for bringing me back.
  
  I hope you don't regret it.


Spelled like it sounds.

  Like last week, I would be remiss if I didn't mention an important date in the Jewish calendar which not only recognizes a solemn event, but gives me a day off from work:  Yom Kippur or Day of Atonement.
  Concluding the Jewish High Holy Days or Days of Awe, Yom Kippur begins tonight and concludes tomorrow night (I'm guessing sunset).  It is a 25 hour period of intense prayer and fasting (Al's Cultural Tip: those who sneak in a cookie or two are known to be "half-fasting").
  
  On Rosh Hashanah, God inscribes each person's fate in the Book of Life (NOTE:  and here you thought Life was just a board game or breakfast cereal.  Now you know).  He (sigh...it's always 'he") waits until Yom Kippur to seal the verdict (sort of like a divine replay booth).  However, Jews try to seek forgiveness during the Days of Awe in an effort to avoid damnation or getting served a briscuit that's "a little off" at the Feinman Bar Mitzvah.
  
"Enough with the praying, already. I get it.  I'm sorry.
I gotta catch that new Adam Sandler movie."
  Anyway, that's pretty much the extent of my knowledge of Yom Kippur.  I know there's no dreidel playing, no giving of gifts, and no speeches at the United Nations against Israel (oh, crap, that happened).  Basically, from this Catholic's (not a very good Catholic, though) understanding, Jewish people do in a week what it takes Catholics every Saturday for a year to do.
  
  In fact, from what I gather, it's not even completely appropriate to wish someone a "Happy" Yom Kippur.  That's like saying "Happy" Memorial Day or "Happy" Day Kennedy Was Shot.
  
  But, I did wish people a happy day off tomorrow.    

35 comments:

  1. Lohan. Cannot stop reading the drivel below LiLo. nomnomnom. lilo. minus the stitch.

    what are we talking about?!? and were you rreeallly going to retire from el bloboshere?

    ReplyDelete
  2. Lindsay's picture is hilarious!!! Your commentary would be sorely missed!! I've never seen Michele's ass because I can't get past the size of her arms. She could knock out her husband in one round!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Yeah the hate sure does fly now a days, but at least in blog land there is sunny rays. And you still put Clint Eastwood to shame, so that makes you ahead of the game. Testosterone gel? really? Damn, some must have want to cop a feely. Douchery is a nice word too. Goes well with Pouchery, meaning they should be like a dog and eat there own crap, they may turn into a nicer chap.

    ReplyDelete
  4. i'm glad you're thinking you might have some fun with us around here again.
    were you having old man brain last week? it's okay. we all have our own versions of that sometimes and it causes us to want to retreat from the world for a bit, even if it's just the portion of that world that blogger controls. did you snuggle up tight to your wife's back and pull the covers over your heads til you felt better? if you did, you'd better not have farted while you were under there or you're likely sleeping on the couch now.
    happy day off from work tomorrow day.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I'm glad you decided to come back to us. You're the King of Snark and I for one need a good dose of snark with my morning coffee. Welcome home.

    ReplyDelete
  6. I missed said post so I will have to go look.
    I'm glad you didn't leave. I'd miss the quirkiness of you.
    You know, I hear Happy Memorial Day a lot. I find that a little disturbing.

    ReplyDelete
  7. I've never wanted to look at Michelle's butt as much as I do now. My guess is it's J-Lo fat rather than Oprah fat. She's too lean and mean to let her butt cheeks sag.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Someone might wanna tell Gorilla that Michelle's ass is so big (How big is it?), that yu can see it from the front.

    By the way, just post an offending blog and let someone punch you in the opposite direction of the bend. Saves a lot of bucks in this crumbling economy.

    Cheers.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Thanks for explaining Yom Kippur to us Al. I always knew of the day but wasn't sure of the significance. Great post man, I'm glad to hear that you're not going anywhere soon in the writing world (and in the real world too), hopefully all of these great comments are further testimony of that.

    ReplyDelete
  10. I'm glad you're coming back and sticking around. The world is pretty shit and unfunny right now and that's why we need more people like you spreading some love and laughter and making the world a little brighter.

    ReplyDelete
  11. @baygirl32: as was I. And not little disturbed.
    @Mark: If I've gotten nothing else from Blogger, it's the optimism which comes from the realization that there are a LOT of very good people in the world. Don't get me wrong, there are a lot of bad, too. But, I have some hope. And that's why I didn't want to go away.
    @Matthew: Nobody where I work is Jewish, but a couple of us are from near New York (which has quite a few Jewish folks). So we had to explain that it's more than a day off (although I'll always take the opportunity to sleep in).
    @Jeremy: BA DUM BUM
    @GB: I'm thinkiing J-Lo. But, I don't want to look too closely lest my eyes are seared.
    @Stephen: Great to be back.
    @Ruth: Whenever someone wishes me a "Happy" Memorial Day, they always immediately get this pained look on their face which says, "Oh, crap, I said that to the wrong person. Now he'll explain how to properly half-mast the flag. When all I want to do is grill a hot dog."
    @sherilin: It was more like "cranky" old man brain. Speaking of snuggling, I love the cooler time of year when I'm called upon for warmth. Perfect time to deploy the late-night "marital claw." If you know what I mean.
    @Pat: Testosterone gel sounds like prostate hell. Good graciousness alive! Just bring on low sex drive.
    @JKIRF: Lindsay's picture made me giggle (NOTE: a more manly "titter") more than anything else in that post. And trust me. Baby got back.
    @Violet: I was. I kinda lost my mind last week. Thank goodness I found it this weekend. I left it in the closet.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. late night marital claw? yeah, i know all about that thing. also, i employ my husband's furnace capabilities during all months of the year because i'm perpetually freezing.

      Delete
    2. I've said too much already. No sense giving away all our tricks. Such as they are.

      Delete
  12. Replies
    1. I had a few ideas that I couldn't have as much fun with on Facebook. So I hadda come back.

      Delete
  13. Glad you've decided to stay with us! I would miss your posts if you left :)

    ReplyDelete
  14. 'Happy Day Kennedy Was Shot'. brilliant. I suppose Happy Easter isn't such a good greeting either. Don't you go anywhere, my friend.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hallmark tried coming out with a line of greeting cards for November 22nd, but the idea was deemed tacky. So they went with Snooki as an Easter spokeswoman, instead.

      Delete
  15. You know more about Yom Kippur than most of the tribe. Thanks, Al. I didn't even half-fast. I'll atone for it in 5774.

    And we can't do this blogging thing without you, so don't ever leave.

    xoRobyn

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I learned a lot from Mrs. Penwasser #1, including the fact that she couldn't stand me.

      Delete
  16. Hoping you have a blessed Yom Kippur. The whole country should celebrate Yon Kippur this year -- oi vey what a mess.

    I am also Catholic, but I couldn't live without oi Vey, Mazel Tov and, of course, Latkes.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. And matzohs with peanut butter. To say nothing of challah bread. Yum.

      Delete
  17. The only thing I know about the Jewish traditions are potato pancakes. :) And damn... those things are yummy.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Like a broken vacuum cleaner, they don't suck.

      Delete
  18. That pic of Lindsey is awesome, looks like someone beat the poop out of her. Which may have been well deserved, just saying. SO I'm glad I didn't wish anyone a Happy Yom Kippur and glad you aren't leaving us. I had no idea you were Jewish!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm actually Catholic, but Mrs. Penwasser #1 WAS Jewish (and presumably still is). Because of her, I learned all about the Jewish holidays AND I had presents for Hannukah AND Christmas.
      The current Mrs. Penwasser is Presbyterian so, basically, I'm screwed out of the Festival of Lights.
      But, I still love me some matzohs and peanut butter.

      Delete
  19. It is considered a sin to be " served a brisket that's a little off!" Too bad you don't live closer, because you would be lots of fun around the dinner table. I could picture you conducting dueling Seders with my hubs at Passover.
    Julie

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Seders are fabtastic! Prayers....wine...challah...more prayers...more wine...look at the challah...decide to have more wine...throw in another prayer...take a taste of gefilte fish...wash it down with wine...and challah...and-what the frik is this????? Who put the horseradish out!!!!????...finish off the Mogen David...read a selection from Readers Digest while Dad goes to get another bottle of wine...pray that Dad finds one...Hey! What the hell is taking so long???...grab the cooking sherry when Dad comes back empty handed...say another prayer in reverential mumbles...pull Mrs. Penwasser #1's face out of her bowl of matzoh ball soup...go to sleep.
      I love the holidays.

      Delete
  20. Good to have you still here. The Blogosphere is a brighter place. :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Whew! Good thing I changed the light bulbs!

      Delete
  21. Saw your comment above. Agreed. Meeting the good folks out there is a good reason to stick around. Glad you decided to.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Meeting all of you has been the very best part of Blogger (but, seriously, you think it would kill the administrative staff to toss a 'Blog of Note' my way?).

      Delete
  22. I came looking for you after moving my blog (re-building everything sucks...) and I'm glad you're still here!

    ReplyDelete