Actually, Commodus, it's "Am I not beautiful?", but since you can have me covered in tar and set on fire, it's all good. Hey, wait a minute. You've been dead almost 2,000 years. Up yours.
Wow, that was pretty random, huh? Anyway...
FULL DISCLOSURE: This conversation actually took place at the end of May. And Mrs. Penwasser is beautiful. She just has a disturbingly questionable taste in men.
“Happy Anniversary! On our wedding day, I considered myself the luckiest man on the face of this earth. You were absolutely beautiful.”“What do you mean I was beautiful?”
“Am I not beautiful now!?”
“No, ahhhh.....yes!! What I meant to say was...”
“Oh, just because I’m not some hottie-who wasn’t even legal to drink champagne at her own wedding, mind you-you think I’m a hag now? Is that it!?”
NOTE: She also had a nice rack and a cool car. But, I digress.
“No, wait! That’s not it at all! You were beautiful. You’re still beautiful. Much more beautiful than I deser...aw, c’mon, where are you going? Not upstairs, I had plans for tonight and...”
“ So I guess this means no sex tonight...?”
Does this crown make my butt look big?"
Seriously, ladies-and I think I speak for most males of my gender-there’s just no talking to you people sometimes.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m so very grateful you’re with us. Because, the alternative to a world without women is cozying up to someone with five o’clock shadow.
And, while that may work for some dudes (both in and out of prison), the only man I’ll allow to touch “Little Al and the Twins” is me.
In essence, I like women.
Now that we got that out of the way...
When Mrs. Penwasser cooled down the next week, I tried to wield my manly staff of logic (NOTE: double entendre intended).“Remember when I said you were beautiful when we got married?”
As the temperature in the room dipped, threatening to deflate said staff of logic, she said, “Yes...?”
“Well, when you married me, would it be fair to say that I was short?”
“And would it also be fair to say that I am still short?”
“So, it’s the same thing. You were beautiful and you’re still beautiful! Nothing has changed!”
Not sure she bought it.
“So, can we have sex now?”
Epilogue: Directly after this conversation, I began to ponder just how different my life would have been had I been taller. Goodness knows I had nothing else to do that night.
|Don't make fun of his height, though. |
He'll molest your sofa.
And frighten black women.
But, they’re crazy.
Well, Gary Cooper was short.
Hmm, he’s dead.
How about Danny Devito?
Okay, that’s it, I’m done.
I think it would be an advantage to look another man in the eye rather than up inside his nose. And, while good things come in small packages, I think I’d rather come...oh, that’s even too dirty for me.
In this day of scientific augmentation, I decided to seek help. Figuring anything which sold me X-Ray specs in the 7th grade couldn’t steer me wrong, I ordered a set of lifts from the back page of one of my old comic books (Jimmy Olsen-Superman’s Pal. Which, now that I think of it, sounds kinda homo-erotic. I’ll bet Jimmy wouldn’t have to worry about what he said to women, though).
|Hey, this can't be right. |
The little guy is black and the big guy is white.
Oh, hang on, I forgot about Prince.
Prince is black, right?
So, for $5.99 (plus shipping and handling, whatever the frik that is), I received my ticket to a better future via my friendly mailman. Whose derisive laughter I found pretty rude.
Like Ralphie from A Christmas Story who was so excited to receive his order in the mail that he peed himself (NOTE: Not true. He crapped his pants.), I couldn’t wait to try them.
As I slipped them on, I instantly felt more powerful, more virile, more...ah...silly.
|Somehow, I don't think anyone is going to buy it|
Maybe Mrs. Penwasser has cooled down. It is August, after all.