Saturday, August 18, 2012

Women Are From Venus, Men Don't Speak Venetian

Actually, Commodus, it's "Am I not beautiful?", but since you can have me covered in tar and set on fire, it's all good.  Hey, wait a minute.  You've been dead almost 2,000 years.  Up yours.

Wow, that was pretty random, huh?  Anyway...  

FULL DISCLOSURE:  This conversation actually took place at the end of May.  And Mrs. Penwasser is beautiful.  She just has a disturbingly questionable taste in men.

NOTE:  Incidentally, I realize I was channeling my inner Lou Gehrig in the following.  See if you can find where!  Win valuable prizes!  Well, not really.

    “Happy Anniversary!  On our wedding day, I considered myself the luckiest man on the face of this earth.  You were absolutely beautiful.”
    “What do you mean I was beautiful?”
    “Am I not beautiful now!?”
    “No, ahhhh.....yes!!  What I meant to say was...”
    “Oh, just because I’m not some hottie-who wasn’t even legal to drink champagne at her own wedding, mind you-you think I’m a hag now?  Is that it!?

    NOTE:  She also had a nice rack and a cool car.  But, I digress.

    “No, wait!  That’s not it at all!  You were beautiful.  You’re still beautiful.  Much more beautiful than I, c’mon, where are you going?  Not upstairs, I had plans for tonight and...”


    “ So I guess this means no sex tonight...?”

"Be honest.
Does this crown make my butt look big?"
    Seriously, ladies-and I think I speak for most males of my gender-there’s just no talking to you people sometimes.

    Don’t get me wrong.  I’m so very grateful you’re with us.  Because, the alternative to a world without women is cozying up to someone with five o’clock shadow.

    And, while that may work for some dudes (both in and out of prison), the only man I’ll allow to touch “Little Al and the Twins” is me.

    In essence, I like women. 

    Now that we got that out of the way...

    When Mrs. Penwasser cooled down the next week, I tried to wield my manly staff of logic (NOTE:  double entendre intended).
    “Remember when I said you were beautiful when we got married?”
    As the temperature in the room dipped, threatening to deflate said staff of logic, she said, “Yes...?”
    “Well, when you married me, would it be fair to say that I was short?”
    “And would it also be fair to say that I am still short?”
    “So, it’s the same thing.  You were beautiful and you’re still beautiful!  Nothing has changed!”
    Not sure she bought it.
    “So, can we have sex now?”

    Epilogue:  Directly after this conversation, I began to ponder just how different my life would have been had I been taller.  Goodness knows I had nothing else to do that night.

Don't make fun of his height, though.
He'll molest your sofa.
And frighten black women.
    Sure, there are some very successful men who are vertically challenged.  Take Mel Gibson and Tom Cruise, for example.

    But, they’re crazy.

    Well, Gary Cooper was short.

    Hmm, he’s dead.

    How about Danny Devito?

    Okay, that’s it, I’m done.

    I think it would be an advantage to look another man in the eye rather than up inside his nose.  And, while good things come in small packages, I think I’d rather come...oh, that’s even too dirty for me.

    In this day of scientific augmentation, I decided to seek help.  Figuring anything which sold me X-Ray specs in the 7th grade couldn’t steer me wrong, I ordered a set of lifts from the back page of one of my old comic books (Jimmy Olsen-Superman’s Pal.  Which, now that I think of it, sounds kinda homo-erotic.  I’ll bet Jimmy wouldn’t have to worry about what he said to women, though).

Hey, this can't be right.
The little guy is black and the big guy is white.

Oh, hang on, I forgot about Prince.
Prince is black, right?
So, for $5.99 (plus shipping and handling, whatever the frik that is), I received my ticket to a better future via my friendly mailman.  Whose derisive laughter I found pretty rude.

    Like Ralphie from A Christmas Story who was so excited to receive his order in the mail that he peed himself (NOTE: Not true.  He crapped his pants.), I couldn’t wait to try them.

    As I slipped them on, I instantly felt more powerful, more virile, more...ah...silly.
Somehow, I don't think anyone is going to buy it

    Maybe Mrs. Penwasser has cooled down.  It is August, after all.



  1. I sincerely hope that Mrs. Penwasser has cooled down by now Al, I think that your excuse the second time around was a pretty good one and it didn't deserve the slam. There's nothing wrong with being short either buddy.

  2. I wouldnt be surprised if she chuckled behind that closed door at the thought of you struggling to get your foot out of your mouth.
    Us girls like to make our men sweat a little

  3. I have a pair of those but they are actually to make my p........never mind.
    I always keep a fishermans ruler handy!

  4. So Hilarious!!!! Isn't it true that short men peak early on testosterone and are hung like a horse????? If so, Mrs. P is one lucky gal!!!!

  5. @Matthew: See? I thought that logic was irrefutable, too! She really never bought it, though.
    @Mynx: I kinda thought that was the case.

  6. @Bushman: I won't say I measured. I won't WON'T say I measured, either. But, if I WERE to measure, it's best to use a metric ruler. Because 7.62 centimeters sounds a LOT better than 3 inches. Hypothetically.
    @JKIRF: Seriously, that saddle and bridle are for recreational purposes only... Sometime next week I'm going to write about an ad for testosterone creme. I just need to word it so a company won't actually be named. Funny, but I think some folks get all lawsuit-happy when you mention their product carries a risk of prostate cancer.

  7. Hilarious! You made my Saturday morning.

  8. LOL oh yes, you will surely fool so many people with those hahaha you forgot Joe Pesci too, the imp from Game of thrones, those flying monkeys, heck there's even that beverly hills chihuha thing, lol see plenty of more shortness around. Yes, and women ALWAYS find a way of making a mountain out of a mole hill, they like to twist the words around.

  9. Don't worry, Al. You have a very tall personality!
    Have fun chasing Mrs. Penwasser. ;)

  10. I loved this post! You made me laugh out loud several times. Thanks for a fun read!

  11. Nope, as a woman, I'm guessing the Mrs. hasn't calmed down yet because you didn't mention buying her a card, flowers, dinner.....LOL

  12. Are you sure you weren't at my house while we were having the same conversation?

    And for the record... Danny Devito is still happily married. (I think)

  13. Aah, the joys of the marital conversational minefield. A wise man once said, "When you find yourself in a hole, stop digging!"

  14. After God created women he decidedthem surround them in quicksand, and we poor guys are constantly falling into it. Why God did this is anyone's guess. Maybe he had a devilish sense of humor.

  15. Shoe lifts? I am sweet on a shorty. He is four inches shorter than me, and I wouldn't want him any taller. Let's just hope he never tells me I WAS pretty, or he'll end up taller, after I stretch him out with my bare hands.

  16. Yeah... My girlfriend too is beautiful and has questionable taste in men and I let her know all the time.

  17. @Dana: You're welcome. My height has been making people laugh for years. Mrs. Penwasser IS two inches taller than I.
    @Pat: I did consider Joe Pesci. But, that guy he played in 'Goodfellas' was wicked scary. I didn't want to take any chances.
    @Jenn: And people can rest their drinks on my head.
    @Eva: You're welcome. I've always thought that if you can't laugh at yourself, everyone else will wonder why you have no sense of humor.
    @Elsie: I thought the offer of doing with me whatever she wanted was good enough. But, come to think of it, I COULD go for a steak...
    @Juli: Isn't he married to Carla from 'Cheers'? She doesn't look that bad all cleaned up. Danny? Sheesh, I just can't get the picture of him as the Penguin out of my head.
    @Botanist: I've tried to tell her to never solicit my opinion on clothes and such. I've told her that she probably doesn't want to know my true opinion: I really don't care.
    @Stephen: That may be, but he left at least one part of our anatomy within arm's reach. If you know what I mean.
    @Nellie: He's a very lucky man. The fact that I was shorter than Mrs. Penwasser (still am) didn't bother me all that much 26 years ago. It bothers me less today.
    @DWei: I tell her the same thing and I mean it. I also tell her that, if we knew each other in high school, she'd be way out of my league. She deserves better. Don't think I'll tell her that, though.
    @Adam: I hear ya. The bad thing with me, though...during the euphoria I felt after the doctor extricated himself from my colon, pronouncing my prostate sound, I lost sight of the fact that I've shrunk a quarter inch. Uh oh, Lollipop Kids, here I come.

  18. hahahahahaaaa.

    hope your sweet comment analogy got you the mrs. tail you hoped for, but judging by the looks of those lifts, i'm goint to venture that you best purchase flowers and champagne- STAT!

  19. ^Seconded. Some jewelry and chocolate couldn't hurt, either. :-)
    Some Dark Romantic

  20. You know, it has been said that Tom Cruise wears heels on his shoes so he doesn't look so short. Or he did when he was married to Nicole.
    She had a luggage rack on her car? Awesome!

  21. @Ruth: Heels on his shoes to make him taller...Nicole...rack...yeah, this is how my mind wanders.
    @Violet: Sadly, no. I think I'm going to have to deploy the dreaded "Marital Claw" one night after she falls asleep.
    @Mina: But probably not jewelry made out of chocolate though, huh?

  22. Sadly, I bet you could pull those off. I mean, how often do you look at a man's feet?

    If all else fails, just wear those hiking boots that have the 2 inch soles. Sure, you'll look like a goober, but a slightly taller goober.

    1. That reminds me of the Seinfeld episode where George wore Timberland hiking boots (I think that's what they were) even to a wedding (he painted them black) because they added a couple inches to his height.

  23. You don't need taller-makers, that is the height of sillyness. What you need is venutian fluency. Call Rosetta stone and learn to speak venutian, in no time at all you can converse with your spouse adequately. Oh wait - they have Venetian but not venutian. So call the extra-terrestrial division of Rosetta, oy - it's not open yet; You're screwed pal, get the uppers.

    1. After I wrote 'Venetian,' I thought 'Venusian' would have been more accurate.

  24. She's still beautiful, you're still vertically challenged. She wins!

    1. It's too bad I'm not a LOT taller than she. Than I could say that I was nuts over her.
      Hee hee hee....

  25. I'd say "less is more," "size doesn't really matter, Al" (snickering), and "the bigger they are, the harder they fall"...yada yada. But we know an Oompa Loompa, or Tom Cruise, only made that stuff up when struck by a severe bout of Short Man's Complex. So just get over it, with a step ladder. Wink.

    PS I find short men appealing, and Mrs. P clearly does too.

    1. Or, my favorite..."Oh, yeah? Well, I may be short, but I'm slow!"

  26. I liked your logic there.... I mean I like your logic. Not to say your logic isn't good now, I was just pointing out an example of when I liked your logic. Is sex off the table?

  27. Yes. And thank goodness it's off the table. Can you imagine what I could drag through my bowl of cornflakes?

  28. So glad you tried to " wield your mighty staff of logic!" I'm tall and my husband and I are the same height in a rainstorm. Which means we're somewhere in the middle between Tom and Kate. The secret is to always have good posture. Loved George Kostanza's boots, but you don't need them. Julie

    1. Oops Costanza. Now I'll be able to sleep.

    2. That was actually a pretty funny episode.

  29. i've always had a thing for short guys. probably cuz my dad's a bit on the short side and shrinking quick. too bad i accidentally married a tall guy. i thought i'd marry a short one and leave the taller ones for the tall girls, but it didn't quite work out that way.
    put your lifts in some closed shoes. it'll add some mystery to you, but might give you high heel toes.

    1. My son, daughter, AND Mrs. Penwasser are taller than I am. The dog's not. And I still have my 'nads.

  30. When my wife is like that, I always say to her, "because they want to!"

    The question is, "why do men usually die before their wives do?"
    That usually cracks her up and changes the mood of things. Usually for the better!