Saturday, August 11, 2012

Sociological Observation

"Really?  You gotta get your iPod now?"
    Following an evening whereupon I solved the problems of the world, regaled my brothers with ribald-and fictional-tales of youthful sexual conquests, and hoisted a dizzying number of libations, I needed to visit the...uh...campground facilities before turning in.  No way I wanted to stumble around at 3 AM when the sounds of chipmunks sounded like grizzly bears (NOTE:  There are no grizzly bears in Rhode Island.  Plenty of tourists from New York, though).  
Sometimes, "Just one more" leads to "Just one too many."
Plus, I should have waited until dark.
  As I walked through the door, I was overwhelmed by a miasma which clung to my skin like a foul, fetid funk (Alliteration-Catch the Fever!).  I looked immediately to my left and saw the shredded plastic that shrouded the three petri dishes which were rather euphemistically called "showers."  

  I shuddered when I realized they were my only escape from the patina of scum which clogged my pores and the disturbing aroma wrought by campfire smoke, sweat, and who knows how many squished mosquito guts (NOTE:  Have I painted a pleasant enough picture for you?).
  
  But, since I had more pressing issues to tackle at the moment, I turned right.  As I sat on a paper-covered seat which was still warm from the fat guy who had just left (ewwwwwww...........), I glanced at the graffiti-covered walls.  
  
  I was puzzled.  Who brings a Sharpie into a toilet?  Or takes the time to carve their initials in the wall?  Frankly, I just wanted to "drop the kids off at the pool" (NOTE:  a cute little aphorism that I've used since junior high school.  Like "spank the monkey.") and get the hell out of there.  I also wondered, who ever heeds the crudely-scrawled "Be here at 11:30 pm on August 2nd for an awesome BJ."  (NOTE:  I looked at my watch.  11:05.  Whew!).
  
  Then, I saw the below, just above the (empty, dammit!  shoulda checked!) toilet paper roll:


Well, she was someone's baby once.
  It was then I made the following observations:
1.  What kind of love do you have that you feel the need to trumpet it on a bathroom wall?  Wouldn't a card and flowers be more appropriate?
2.  If that is genuinely how you feel, how will Miranda ever know?
3.  Frankly, I don't want to conjure up the image of love to any dude who has his drawers around his ankles and may be bored.  If you know what I mean.
4.  If Miranda is the type of girl who hangs around the Mens Room and would see your declaration of love, maybe she's not the one for you, Sparky.  You may not want to hang around with her unless you're a physician.  If you know what I mean.

EPILOGUE:  The next morning, I went back to the same stall, this time with a Sharpie of my own.  I crossed out "love" and replaced it with "did."  Underneath, I wrote "and so did I" in different styles.  Then, I took a shower.  In a HAZMAT suit.
Although, when I was done, I wondered who that girl was who was standing by the doorway.

36 comments:

  1. Love this Al haha, it's amazing the kind of things that you find scrawled on walls, especially when you see people having full blown conversations with each other, it's like a prehistoric email system or something!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. And now we know what people did before email.

      Delete
  2. lol! poor miranda, catching a loser like that.
    did you feel as fresh and clean as a daisy after your shower? you might have been better off going swimming in a fast moving stream.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I felt pretty good. Until I needed to reemerge into the funk before escaping outside. Plus, the showers were timed so I had to hurry before I was left with suds in my hair, the nozzle holder was broke, the water never got hot, and I had to balance like a flamingo on one leg, lest I slip onto the black mold.
      And, oh yes, I wore shower hoes.
      Boots would have been better.

      Delete
  3. Man, you vandalised a great piece of art, a real tribute to unrequited love. As a penance, you should henceforth kneel down and weep before every Miranda that crosses your path.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Probably not as bad as drawing a mustache on the Mona Lisa, though.

      Delete
  4. That description of not showering I could have done without hahaha Blah! I couldn't do it or at least wouldn't want to, using the loo where some fat guy left it all warm, yuck! Miranda sure must be one with the wilderness.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yeah, that seat skeeved me out, for sure. Out of the four stalls, I picked the one the fat guy was on. Talk about a lottery.

      Delete
  5. Now Miranda will be forever known as the campground ho.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. And making sure everyone has free firewood.

      Delete
  6. Miranda was ready to kick your aZZ. You deserved it. ;)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. She'll have to get in line behind that wrestler from Uzbekistan.

      Delete
  7. What have you done to that poor girl's reputation!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I know. She'll never be able to go that campground ever again.
      Or hang out in Mens Rooms.

      Delete
  8. "And, oh yes, I wore shower hoes.
    Boots would have been better."

    Shower HOES???? I wonder if they really were an improvement on the hygiene.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I just looked at what I wrote. Ooops. Too funny! I meant to write shower "thongs."
      They don't do much good and the string hurts my toes.
      But, they're sexy as hell.

      Delete
  9. Bahahhaha. Yeah, I never really got the point of graffiti in a bathroom. Unless its your phone number.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Another thing I wondered...does anyone ever call those numbers?

      Delete
    2. Al... I think you just found your next post.

      Prank calling the bathroom numbers...

      Delete
    3. You know....that's not a bad idea. Now all I have to do is find a skeevy Mens Room....

      Delete
  10. I also have wondered who brings a sharpie into a toilet.

    And now I know. :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'd rather a Sharpie. Some dudes can be mighty creative what they use to write. Okay, all together....EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!

      Delete
  11. I've long wondered who wrote questionable messages on bathroom walls. Now I know: the Al Penwassers of the world. Ha!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. When I told my brother what I did, he commented that that was probably the very first time I've written on a bathroom wall. Well, whaddya know...I guess I can cross that off my bucket list.

      Delete
  12. Oh god, this reminds of why I abhor camping and the great outdoors.

    And to answer your questions, there are way too many McDonald's and KFCs in China. And Chinese restaurants are all over the place too. And unless I was in a specialty district (e.g. an entire area dedicated to electronics) I generally always seeing restaurants and food.

    Western food is very popular there, I mean, the Pizza Huts look like high tier dining. Where you have to sit down in a respectable looking establishment with ambiance and everything. That was a bit unnerving.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That's kinda what I thought and that depresses me a little. In all my travels, it seems like the biggest constant is the proliferation of "American" food. I very much prefer local cuisine. Even that bowl of octopus soup ("Eat It Before It Eats You") I had in Dubrovnik in 1977.

      Delete
  13. Haha! Poor Miranda--reputation destroyed... ;)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I better change my address in case she's totally hacked off at me.

      Delete
  14. And that's why you need the Golden Throne.

    I wonder where Miranda is now?

    ReplyDelete
  15. As long as you kept fat guys off it. Funny, I would really like to know more about Miranda.

    ReplyDelete
  16. Dude. Shouldn't it be alliteration: feel the fever?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh, I wish I thought of that. Although I would have written "Feel the Frikkin' Fever!"

      Delete
  17. I'm just wondering 2 things:
    1. why you chose to sit on the fat guys paper seat cover. And if you didn't see it why you didn't jump up screaming 'Eeeeeewwwwwwwwwwwwww' thus waking every camper all the way to Yellowstone.
    2. what you DID use for TP...

    Of course I wish for you to NOT answer either question because I have just reached gross out point. LOL

    ReplyDelete
  18. Well, gross out away...
    1. I figured, with four stalls, I had a 25% chance of selecting an unused (well, recently) one. Plus, I didn't realize he had used them in the first place. For all I knew, he used the shower or brushed his teeth or something. By the time I had sat down, I was "committed." 'Nuff said.
    2. I waited until I was sure nobody was in the building. Then, I hobbled all bent over with my pants around my ankles, to the next stall....
    Good luck getting THAT image out of your brain.
    Hey, you asked.

    ReplyDelete
  19. Since you were showering in your HAZMAT suit anyway, couldn't you have enlisted a team of forensic experts to find Miranda's admirer? The only thing we know for sure is that it wasn't Yogi, or Smokey. Maybe you could turn this into a Same Stall Next Year event! Another campfire classic! Julie

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I guarantee you that I will visit that same stall next year. I'm curious to see if anyone added to my adornment of the Miranda valentine!

      Delete