When last we met...I discovered a morning brew to keep the eunuchs jumping (I mean, it ain’t like they have anything to clang against their gym shorts).
No, wait, that’s not right.
Hang on...suspicious bottled water? No. Memorial Day? Uh, uh. A picture of me in my tightey-whiteys? Oh, dear Lord in heaven, never again.
Ooh, I think I have it. I never finished my tale of Xerxes the Great from the A-Z Challenge, did I?
When last we met, Darius the Great named his son, Xerxes, as his successor. This was mostly because Xerxes was the son of the daughter of Cyrus the Great. And because he threw paper when his older brother, Artobazan, threw rock.
|Apparently, size mattered. |
Even in the ancient world.
|"Yeah, but you think I could get my deposit back? |
Last time I ever use expedia.com."
Good thing he had that tomb built.
Almost immediately (by “almost immediately,” I mean “a year”), Xerxes the Great (“the Great” being passed down to him in the will) put down the revolts in Egypt. And, for good measure, he decided to jump ugly with the Babylonians. If only because he didn’t really trust the Husseins of Tikrit.
|"I don't shed, chew slippers, or piss on the carpet. |
Yet, I'm the one they frikkin' melt down??"
Outraged by this sacrilege, the people revolted again in 484 B.C. and again in 482 B.C., when they remembered they were still pissed off.
Because of this, Xerxes rejected his father’s title, King of Babylon. Instead, he named himself “King of Persia,” “Great King,” “King of Kings,” “Sky King,” “King Creole,” “King Kong,” “Don King,” “Chicken a la King,” and “King of Nations.”
The little dude was really full of himself, huh?
|Battle of Marathon|
From 483 B.C. onward, Xerxes prepared his expedition. A channel was dug through the isthmus (NOTE: fancy word for “small strip of land between two bodies of water.” Rhymes with “Christmas.”) of the peninsula of Mt. Athos, provisions (including granola, paraffin-coated matches, and sewing kits) were stored in the stations on the road through Thrace, and two pontoon bridges (known as “Xerxes Pontoon Bridges,” totally pissing off their designer, Leonard the Meek) were built across the Hellespont (which I sincerely hope was water).
|"Whatever you do, keep an eye on those Egyptians. |
And don't fall for that 'it's a dry heat, you'll love it here,
we could use a little help for the weekend
moving some stones' crap again, either."
Crap! I almost put myself to sleep. I can only imagine what you’re going through as I soar past 600 words. We’ll just have to pick this up again next time. I promise we’ll find out what happens to Xerxes. It’s nothing like the movie, 300.
Well, okay, he did massacre 300 Spartans at Thermopylae. But, I don’t think he pranced about in his underwear or that the Greek king had a Scottish accent.
Next: The Great Sequel to the Xerxes the Great Sequel! The Peloponnesian War, death of Xerxes, and a bare-chested Gerard Butler!