Tuesday, June 26, 2012

The Great Sequel to the Great Xerxes the Great Sequel

"Oh, yeah? Well, you try sleeping with all these curlers in your hair and beard
and see if you don't feel like invading Greece!"

NOTE:  The following contains a lot of Persian and Greek words.  Most of which I didn’t make up.  That Kardashian one is probably bogus, though.

  When last we met.....

And, to make matters worse, all they had 
at Redbox was My Big Fat Greek Wedding
  Having grown weary of the indignities suffered by his people at the hands of the Greeks, Xerxes prepared to invade.  As if defeat at Marathon wasn’t bad enough, the Persians had gotten sick and tired of all that bouzouki music playing till all hours of the night.

"Hey, what the frik, Stavros!?
I said goat testicles!!"
  NOTE:  I realize “bouzoukis” are relatively modern musical instruments.  The ancient Greeks were actually content with simple stringed instruments and pulling on goat testicles when bursting into “100 Amphorae of Wine on the Wall.”  Besides, “bouzouki” sounds funnier than “lute.”

  Setting out from Persepolis (after having to briefly turn back because the damn Assyrians left the water running), Xerxes’ decided it would be quicker to go by way of the Hellespont.  But only if there was a nice clean gas station along the way, the Phoenicians complained.

The Phoenicians learned, to their chagrin, that it's
next to impossible to keep this from spoiling in the desert
heat.  Especially considering refrigerators would't be
invented until the 19th century.
  Resisting the urge to fire back, “Yeah, as if YOU people ever wash your hands,” he grudgingly agreed.

  After all, they did bring the potato salad (NOTE:  if you read previous chapters, you already knew that).

"So, the Great Satan won't be around
for another couple thousand years or so.
That's cool. We can wait."
  The journey was an arduous affair, made even more so when they had to detour around construction of the “Death to America” monument and the fact that nobody remembered to bring the horses.

    Finally reaching the Hellespont, the strait of water which separated Asia from Europe (and crazy people from other crazy people), nobody remembered where they parked the pontoon bridges left the previous year.  Unfortunately, by the time they found them, a fierce storm (taking Chief Meteorologist Chip “Hurricane” Achaemenes completely by surprise) destroyed the only way to Thrace (NOTE:  this is in Greece.  I looked it up).

"Wouldn't just peeing in it get your point across?"
    In a fit of rage, Xerxes ordered the Hellespont whipped 300 times and had fetters thrown in the water.  Despite Private Miachinbaack "Corky" Fetters' vehement protests that he had nothing to do with the storm.

    Finally, after getting some help from the Trojan AAA office, bridges were built and the army invaded Greece.  Threatening local people with the loss of their lands, rape of their women, and vicious titty-twisters, Xerxes picked up allies along the way.  Thessaly, Thebes, Argos, and France (who figured, “you never can be too sure”) took up the Persian banner as Xerxes moved to face his greatest foes, Athens and Sparta.

Persian Immortals
Xerxes 1st choice, the Avengers, forced to drop out
when the Hulk couldn't get a suit of armor which fit.
    Taking up winter quarters in Sardis, because there was no sense visiting nude beaches in the winter, Xerxes set out in the spring of 480 BC.  His fleet and army had been estimated by Herodotus (noted drunk) to number 1,000,000, along with 10,000 elite warriors known as the Immortals.

He's looked better.
Plus, it's a bitch to drink now.
    First concentrating on Sparta (since Athens was still in the shower), the Persian army clashed with 300 warriors led by King Leonidas at Thermopylae.  Even though initially rebuffed by fierce Spartan resistance, rock-hard abs, and an inability to understand why the Spartan king had a Scottish accent, the 300 were slaughtered after a traitor showed the Persians the rear entrance (ancient Greeks being very familiar with rear entrances).
Not what I meant by 'looking better.'
May want to lay off that deep-fried baklava, Leonidas.

    Hey, don’t take my word for it.  Rent the movie.  It has some cool naked scenes in it.

    After Sparta, Athens was captured.  Some historians claim Xerxes ordered the cradle of democracy burned while Persian scholars claimed he did nothing of the sort.  Who would be crazy enough to destroy a major center of trade and commerce?

    Oh, I don’t know.  Anyone who’d whip water a couple hundred times?

"Maybe we shouldn't have attacked after lunch...?
I think we all could've done with a little nap.
My insurance is gonna skyrocket now!"
    Xerxes then decided to attack the Greek fleet at Salamis in September, 480 BC.  This proved to be a disaster because, despite outnumbering their foe, the Persian warships were no match for the maneuverable little Greek vessels.

    Using the excuse of unrest in Babylon (who really never got over the fact that Xerxes farted on their god), Xerxes sent most of his army home.  He left a token force behind in Greece under command of Mardonius, but they were overrun by a Greek Amish family and herd of sheep at Plataea the following year.  After a few Persian ships anchored at Mycale were destroyed, the Greek city-states once more felt the breath of freedom.

    To continue to kill each other.

    In 465 BC, Xerxes was murdered by Artabanus, commander of the royal bodyguard (how frikkin’ ironic is that?). 

    What transpired next has led to confusion among historians (hey, cut them some slack.  It was almost 1,500 years ago and Al Gore hadn’t invented the internet yet).  Let’s see...Artabanus accused Crown Prince Darius of the murder and persuaded his brother, Artaxerxes (NOTE:  Persian for “sucky name”) to kill him.

"Okay, which one of you is the eunuch?
C'mon, drop 'em. We ain't got all day."
    However, according to Aristotle, noted Greek philosopher, mentor to Alexander the Great, and owner of a chain of diners in the Peloponnesus, Artabanus killed Darius first before killing Xerxes with the help of a eunuch, who undoubtedly was cranky because he hadn’t had his coffee yet (to learn how hysterically funny that line is, please visit here.  Yeah, I know, I rarely click on these links, either.  But, it won’t take you long, I swear).   Then, once Ataxerxes found out who the real culprit was, he whacked Artabanus.

    Seriously, though, who really cares?  They’re all dead now, anyway.

    Xerxes-one of the great leaders of the ancient world, source of pride for the Persian people (who really haven’t had all that much to brag about since), and reason why the letter ‘X’ is pronounced like the letter ‘Z.’

    There’s much more to his story, to be sure.  For instance, I omitted the details of his public works initiatives, construction projects, religious beliefs, and his tempestuous 72 day marriage to Artossa Kardashian.  Yes, the King of Kings was much more than a megalomaniac bent on assimilation of all the peoples of the known world. 

    He also liked body piercings and balloon animals.
"Why have souvlaki when you can have Testicle Kabobs instead?"
-Farhoud Ghorbani, Owner
 Xerxes the Great Diner-Home of the 500-item Salad Bar and Endless Chocolate Fountain
 Just off Route 287, Parsipanny, New Jersey

    But, like what Rosie O’Donnell looks like naked, I’ll just leave that to your imagination.

    You may want to have that imagination steam-cleaned though.



  1. I don't want an imagination anymore. Rosie O'Donnel killed lesbians for a lot of people. Xerxes was a pretty awesome guy, even if the x's in his name are pronounced differently. It takes a lot of balls to tell people to whip the sea.

  2. Balloon animals? Did they have balloons back then?..haha and that is what makes a movie right? All the naked scenes. And my imagination does need a good cleaning.

  3. Trust the eunuch to make a balls-up of everything. I don't think the modern rulers of Iran are keen on these ancient Persian kings who were pagans and liberated the Jews.

  4. This was very informative! So much of your teachings can't be found in books or in documentarys! Thanks for educating me!

    Rape Pillage and Titty-Twisters! They never teach about the last one in school! I'm glad you're out there educating people! Please become a school teacher!

  5. Ho ho, so you are telling me that life in those olden days was not quite like the staid image of it? :D

  6. As a student of history I take issue with a few of your facts. Not really. If history teachers were half as interesting (amusing) as you our kids would be...wait a minute, that wouldn't really work, would it. I enjoyed your post immensely.

  7. Very entertaining, even if it does make one wonder what you were smoking when you wrote it.

  8. I never use Redbox, all the good movies are taken.

  9. Why was there only a brief mention of the eunuch, and why weren't there any more? You know how I like my eunuchs. Oh, please write about Heloise and Abelard.

  10. This one took a lot out of me (crazy day), but it was too great to stop reading!

  11. @Mark: Direct from "This Is How My Mind Works": have you ever noticed noticed (probably not, because you have a life) that the two X's in Xerxes are pronounced differently? The first one is like "Z" while the second one is pronounced like a "C." Man, the English language sure is kooky.
    @Pat: Naked scenes help. But, nothing could have ever saved "Momma Mia." A singing Pierce Brosnan? Really?
    @Gorilla: I just think the eunuchs want everyone else to be miserable.
    @Bersercules: Titty-Twisters was the Mesopotamian version of water-boarding. Look it up. Better yet, don't waste your time.
    @Jenny: And no one is still alive to dispute it.
    @Stephen: I think a final for my class should be to write down all the bogus "facts" I gave them.
    @Eva: I tried smoking crack. But, that's kinda gross. Especially if the other fella objects.
    @Adam: I know. Especially when all you're left with is Adam Sandler.
    @Nellie: You caused me to think I should write about the Byzantine Empire. There were a lot of eunuchs there. The Byzantines were nuts over them. Oooooh, that may be a unfortunate choice of words....
    @CrackYouWhip: I've had days like that. Like yesterday. But, drinking heavily helped.

  12. I think I prefer your version of history to the boring drivel crap they fed us in school. That's why I didn't go very much.
    Another great post!

    1. I'd really like to write a history of the world. But, it would have to contain the caveat, "Please don't use for factual research. THIS crap makes Wikipedia look like the Encyclopedia Brittanica."

  13. I can't believe it's 3:15 am, and I still clicked on " visit here!" Lots of great lines which included turning back because they left the water running, and the marriage to Artossa Kardashian! Looking forward to Part IV! Julie

  14. I've already written chapters on Kublai Khan, Romans using urine to wash their togas, US presidents, and now this. Wonder who I should write about next...?

  15. another nice history lesson :) thanks for that lil extra plus with butler in his boxers, then again he isn't as hawt as he was in 300 there :)