Saturday, April 28, 2012

April 28th-Brought to You By the Letter 'Y'

Can't even touch her toes.
  USA Yoga (did you know there was such a thing?) has applied to the United States Olympic Committee for Yoga to become an official sport for the 2016 Olympics.
  I don't know a whole lot about Yoga, besides the fact that it would be impossible for me to do it.  What I do know of the activity (I can't call it a sport.  Like bowling) is that it is supposed to be a relaxing experience which combines the ability of the body to twist into something like Auntie Anne's pretzel with the self-realization that it's pretty frikkin' painful to twist the body into something like an Auntie Anne pretzel.
Just so ya know...
I walk in on someone doing this and I'm gone.
  It's Yoga's very tranquility and inner peace which attracts adherents throughout the world.
  In other words, let's inject a little competitiveness into it.  Nothing like stress to ramp up the extrinsic value of an intrinsic reward.

  Seeking to counter accusations that Olympic Yoga would be a self-defeating exercise in silliness, proponents insist it's really all about assessing strength, balance, flexibility, and the ability not to fart on international television.
  Taking their cue from the Yoga Asana competition in New York this past March ('Asana' is Sanskrit for a type of Yoga meant to master the art of 'sitting down.' Shoot, I've got that down.  Just ask anyone at work), judges will assess a competitor's level of proficiency in seven basic postures:
"Man, I seriously shoulda washed these things!"
1.  Standing Head-to-Knee Pose
2.  Standing Bow-Pulling Pose
3.  Bow Pose
4.  Rabbit Pose
5.  Stretching Pose
  The last two will be at the athlete's discretion.  Although, I'm partial to the "Stretching and Yawning" and "Bite Your Toenails" poses.
  Who knows, USA Yoga may succeed in their quest for competitive Yoga to make it to Rio in four years.  While some may consider this to be a bit of a stretch for the Olympic Games, one has to consider the fact that the games already have their fair share of questionable "sports."
Such as:

Chasing Yourself With a Ribbon

Playing Hide and Seek with a ball.
And your anus.

Lion Taming.  
Without the lions.

  To say nothing of:
Normally, having eight girls in your pool would be pretty sweet.
But, having them all do the same thing at the same time is pretty creepy.

NOTE:  Sellout crowd.
Of people who couldn't score tickets 

to the basketball-or even team handball-events
  Now, just in case you think it's only the Summer Olympics...

Curling-Hockey for people who can't skate

The Biathlon-combines skiing and shooting.
Okay, show of many think the Nazis invented this?

  When you consider those Olympic events which have been discontinued since the birth of the modern games in 1896 (or so), it's really not such a stretch to see Yoga as a sport alongside such crowd favorites as bicycling, fencing, canoeing, kayaking, or anything to do with a horse.  
"Up yours, ASPCA!"

  After all, if tug-of-war, live pigeon shooting, underwater obstacle race, and Persian Disemboweling (oh, sorry, that's from the ancient Greek games) were once allowed, why not let a judge from Estonia assess the strength and flexibility of a Bow Pose?
  At any rate, it can't be any worse than the proposal by the Olympic Committee of the Republic of Iran:
Synchronized Infidel Stoning

Better they should stick to pigeons.

Or that Rabbit Pose thing.


  1. If yoga in the Olympics will be anything like women's beach volleyball, I'm all for it. Try Weird Al Yankovich to Kevin Bacon. If you can't do it, I'm giving your contact info to D. Hepfer.

    1. Not as hard as you might think (that's what she said).
      Weird Al-Victoria Jackson-Demi Moore-Kevin Bacon
      Weird Al was in 'UHF' with Victoria Jackson who was on 'Saturday Night Live' when it was hosted by Demi Moore who was in 'A Few Good Men' with Kevin Bacon.

    2. Oh, and speaking of Hep, he was only my second worst boss ever.
      You can only imagine how bad #1 was.

  2. It could never be a spectator sport unless they develop more active forms of yoga, like biting the toenails, which is easy for apes but difficult for humans. You wouldn't mention something like that unless you'd tried it, right?

    1. That ain't all I tried. Hey, it was a Saturday night, I was lonely, and...oops, uh oh, TMI.

  3. I'm with you Al, there's some seriously ridiculous sports out there that just aren't worth any time which might be offensive to some people because I know they do work hard to be masters of their sports but what can I do? I loved your comment on my most recent post by the way, Gwen Stacey's always been Peter's true love in my mind though

    1. I agree with you. I think that's why she's in the next movie.
      By the way, there really WAS an underwater obstacle course and Tug-of-War.

  4. IDK but doesn't adding competitiveness remove the point of yoga? And I don't see the TV wow factor, except in ladies nude yoga.

  5. "and the ability not to fart on international television."
    Welp, guess I can't do Olympic Yoga, then.
    You kill me, Penwasser. That's it. I'm blog-rolling your ass today.

  6. you think the farting would be frowned upon? isn't that usually a sign that you're doing it right and properly relaxed? i might like to watch the yoga and see if i can do the poses. then i'd lay on the floor and cry when i got stuck. or broken.

    1. Maybe they should have farting as an Olympic event...? Distance, volume, persistence, spatter pattern...ooh, I just made myself sick.

    2. ewww! spatter pattern made me sick too! and i kind of love how you say disgusting or distasteful things and then apologize or admit to grossing yourself out too. i like that in a man.

  7. Curling is the most pointless sport I can think of. Basically it is housework.

  8. As a yoga practitioner myself (AKA a "yogi") I have to admit that a yoga competition strikes me as counter-intuitive. It's not meant to be something that invites comparison to others.

    And yet, some of those poses require so much strength and flexibility that I'd love to see the best of them on TV...

    Also, LOL @ Tony. Curling as housework. :-)


    1. Counter-intuitive...perfect word. I know that I couldn't do it!

  9. One of my daughters has taught yoga most of her adult life. She doesn't have a sliver of fat on her body. So it's good for something.

    Pretty soon every activity we do will be in the olympics. I'm waiting for the ironing olympics. I'm pretty good at that.

    1. You've given me an idea for a post.....
      I think very highly of yoga. I just think it's silly for it to be in the Olympics.

  10. Yeah this just irks me, them calling everything from yoga to fruit loop eating a sport. Much of it takes skill or ability, that I would never deny, but a sport is something where you have to exert lots of energy, not sit around and prove you can lick your own rump like a dog.

  11. I wonder why they would do away with the underwater obstacle course. I think that sounds quite lovely.

  12. I think you need to try curling or maybe "bonspieling." It's quite fun, but hard on your liver.

  13. You cracked me up again with the synchronized infidel stoning!

  14. Oh please God let the USA Olympic Yoga team be a real thing. This is going to enliven so many drunken conversations round the country. Its so fantastic I'm too scared to Google it, lest it be untrue. Heck, I'm just going to tell everybody its true. Right, I'm off to the pub.

  15. I would love to compete. Finally, something I can win. I've waited all my life for this moment.

  16. @CW: Plus if you put them on trampolines.... Oh, there I go being a misogynist again. Still, it's better than DUDES on trampolines.
    @Bushman: If they're "keeled", sure gold medal.
    @Pat: Froot Loop eating....? Besides that, doing housework, ironing, and farting, I am soooo going to have to write a blog about the "Domestic Olympics." Maybe sometime after "Xerxes Part II"?
    @Ruth: It was the "Shark Steeplechase." They lost too many competitors.
    @dbs: means 'curling!' I thought "bonspieling" was something you did in the bathroom. And 'spieling' was a euphemism.
    @Eva: Those kooky guys-they're always on the cutting edge of sports.
    @icyhighs: I have only myself to blame. I throw so much untrue crap on here, I don't blame you. USA Yoga IS for real. Now, take "USA Watch-TV-Drink Beer-Eat-Chips-Hand-In-Pants". Not real.
    @Nellie: There you go. A gold medal moment. I'll be the Chinese team would be killer, though.

  17. I remember when the yoga craze went pretty big years ago, I'd just break my back doing that stuff

  18. I can't even fart without my back freezing up, let alone throwing in a Rabbit Pose.

  19. Loved your thoughts about the yoga poses and "synchronized infidel stoning!" If you're going to write about a domestic olympics, you may want to include competitive arguing. I also like Manzie's ironing idea! Speaking of ideas, I have one for you on my "X" post. Don't worry it's not an award. Julie

  20. I googled Persian disemboweling. Now leave me alone, I need a glass of wine.

  21. @Julie: Arguing...? These things sometimes write themselves!
    @GenePoolDiva: Nope, doesn't seem like a pleasant way to go, that's for sure. If you've ever watched 'Braveheart,' all William Wallace had to say to stop having his guts pulled out of his body was "Mercy." I would've given them the Gettysburg Address and the combination to my grandmother's safe to make them stop.

  22. How is yoga a sport?!? That's like saying golf is a sport.

    I'm glad someone else shares my opinion on curling. ;)

  23. You have some good points here....and this is funny as hell. Although, who ever said hell was funny, I wonder? Anyway, I guess a "sport" is all in the eye of the beholder. I can't imagine yoga being included in the Olympics. My guess is that there would be a LOT of farting going on - in the men's category anyway. My husband can hardly walk across a room without emitting sounds like a duck - from his back end. Maybe they can broadcast the sport muted?

  24. @Mich: I love to play golf, although I am abysmally bad. You've no idea HOW bad. But, a sport? Not really. I really don't get curling. Shuffleboard on ice. With brooms. Once again, sport?
    @Pat: Oh, I don't know. I hear that Lucifer is mighty fond of "pull-my-finger."

  25. Oh I don't know. Ancient Irish used to see who could pee the furthest and longest. When you get older you can pee for about a half an hour.

    I'll bet there wouldn't be many medalists in pig wrestling in the middle east.