Xerxes the Great
|"Hmm, I wonder...should I shave my beard and throw a couple of earrings in my cheeks |
like that crazy bastard in the movie?"
|"Hey, Betty? |
How are you on spoons?"
Sure, I can hear you saying, “Oh, yeah, Al? Well, what kind of instrument can you play, you’re so smart?”
To them, I say, “Well, none. Because I own an iPod. And I like girls.”
Besides, “xylophones” are frikkin’ boring. I’m wanna talk about something a little more interesting.
|Well, whaddya know? It is a ship. |
I musta been thinking about zebras.
Wait a minute, zebras aren't cows.
I rejected “xebecs” because they’re ships. Or cows. Whatever. I don’t care.
Likewise, I tossed out a discussion of “xenon” once I learned it was just an odorless gas and not a sexy warrior princess on the Sci-Fi channel.
X-Men? Done it. X-Rays? Too easy. Xenophobia? I like my followers from other countries. In fact, I’m actually more of a xenophile. But...no. Xu? Word used in Scrabble. Xi? Ditto.
|"We used all of our tiles on a triple word |
off a double play from another word
for 325 points.
Next year? We talk to girls!"
Finally, I remembered a movie I watched on Easter when The Ten Commandments got so doggarned preachy.
|"Crap! That Nefertiri babe is pretty hot. |
But, nooooooo, I just had to go
and marry Lily Munster!"
Sure to be a future Easter classic, 300 on TNT is the story of 300 (that’s where they get the title...duh) Spartans led by King Leonidas against the evil Persians of...uh...Persia.
You know these crazy cats better as Iranians.
|"Well, as long as we brought sunblock, |
I guess we're good to go."
For almost two hours, these brave warriors use sword, spear, and pectoral muscles against the very best the enemy could fling at them. It’s only after the treachery of some guy who would make Michael Moore attractive that the Greeks are defeated.
After I got over my initial disappointment that there was no nudity in this “Modified For Television” feature, I grew curious about Leonidas’ opponent, Xerxes.
|"Oh, yeah? Cross me, you Persian faggot |
and I will soooo eff you up!"
Since I’d been disappointed in Hollywood before (I really thought a man-and monkeys-could fly), I decided to do some digging. Figuring a source which gave us dogs saying “I love you” and dancing babies couldn’t steer me wrong, I consulted the Internet.
|Why brothers and sisters should never marry|
Xerxes the Great was born in 519 BC to Atossa and Darius the Great. Both of his parents were descended from Achaemenes, but of different Achaemenid lines. The source documents were pretty clear on that as they wanted to leave no doubt there was no incest hanky-panky going on. After all, they weren’t Egyptians. If those people wanted kids with feet growing out of their foreheads, that was their business. But, the Persians played it on the up and up.
Anyway, Darius knew that marrying a daughter of the great Cyrus the Great (but I’m being redundant) would certainly help his plan for kingship. Plus, it would help his application to the Nineveh Country Club get approved.
NOTE: Apparently, the suffix “the Great” was a pretty big thing in ancient Persia. Which was why Darius’ brother, Herschel the So-So, was never taken seriously.
|"C'mon tough guy! We got pyramids|
and brothers and sisters who marry each other.
And plagues of frogs and boils.
But, hey, who doesn't?"
Hey, I didn’t write this stuff.
|"Plus, for a small fee, we can make |
from Persepolis just disappear."
Before doing so, he contracted with Gambino and Sons building contractors to build him a tomb. After permits were finally approved once the Zoning Officer found the head of a camel in his bed, construction began at Naqsh-e Rostam (yeah, I’m not going to look it up, either). Freed from the stress of planning his final resting spot and picking out window treatments, Darius then named his son, Xerxes, as his successor.
Okay, this is now over 700 words and you’re probably getting pretty tired of reading this. So...I have a few choices:
1. I could edit this way down. But, that would deny you the chance to gain valuable insight into the story of a man who terrorized the cradle of democracy. Plus, editing’s hard.
|"Do you really think I needed 1,000 pages|
to tell you dopes that
the monster in It was a spider?"
3. Or I could continue this tomorrow. But, the A-Z Challenge requires that I go on to the next letter, which is ‘Y.’ Sure, I could write Xerxes Part II in addition to a post on ‘Y,’ but are you nuts? This stuff is tough enough.
So, I’m going to continue this sometime during the first half of May.
In other words.....to be continued...
The Great Xerxes the Great Sequel!