Wednesday, April 25, 2012

April 25th-Brought To You By the Letter 'V'

    As incredible as it seems, there was life BAZC (Before the A-Z Challenge). 
"Oh, yeah, Mr. Smart Ass Penwasser man?
We invent gunpowder, pasta, Chinese checker.
And, quite possibly, Walmart."
    Ah, those carefree halcyon (I love that Blogger gives me a chance to use words like ‘halcyon’) days which weren’t hog-tied to a particular letter of the (thankfully, not Chinese) alphabet!
    As the sun slowly starts to set on April, I look forward to seeing my family and visiting other blogs.  Then, armed with a cell phone camera and notebook, I can write about whatever strikes my fancy (resulting in one bruised fancy).  No longer a slave to the “delayed post” option, I can be spontaneously mischievous again.
    In fact, I already have a couple of posts in mind for May.
    However, it is still April and I still need to regale you with tales of a few more letters.  Unfortunately, it’s those pain-in-the-ass letters from Scrabble, starting with: V (don’t think I’ve forgotten about you, Q, though).
"I hate to tell you this, Ed,
but that burning sensation
just isn't going to go away by itself."
    As I pondered what ‘V’ words to use, I was initially stumped.  Because, once you get past ‘a valentine from a venereal veterinarian,’ there’s not much else.  Plus, that would have been kind of gross.
    Lo and behold, though, both Geeky Tendencies and Ermie (who may or may not have been in cahoots) saw fit to bestow upon me a Versatile Blogger award.  This happened sometime in March.  Or February.  Oh, hell, I can’t remember.  I needed to write about baseball, Passover, and kryptonite, for cryin’ out loud.
    In any case, these two fine individuals unwittingly provided me with a perfect V post.
    For that I am most thankful.  Frankly, I’m tired and this is a big help.  I still have two more letters to write about.
    Also, I’m humbled they thought me worthy of this award.  Although, I’m not exactly why I’m a versatile blogger.  Does that mean I can write in the nude while juggling (NOTE: euphemism) Little Al and the Twins?  If so, guilty as charged.
    This award is not to be taken lightly as it comes with rules:
1.  Nominate 15 others and inform them with a comment on their blog.  Yeah, this isn’t gonna happen.  Because, if you follow me, I wouldn’t call you “versatile.”  “Masochistic”, yes.  If you don’t follow me, I call you “wise.”
2.  Create a post for the Versatile Blogger Award.  Hello??  Here it is.
3.  Thank the blogger who nominated you.  If you’re reading this, Geeky and Ermie, thank you.  If you’re not Geeky or Ermie, go visit.  Tell ‘em Al sent you.
4.  Share 7 completely random facts about yourself (or myself.  whatever).  Be patient, they’re coming (and they’ll be true).
5.  Make sure to include these rules.  Okay, well, here they are. 

    Now, go get a “cuppa Joe” (NOTE: covered in ‘J’)....

7 Random Facts About Me
1.  I was in the Navy for 27 years.  My jobs included running away from airplanes on an aircraft carrier, cleaning toilets, looking for Russian submarines, dumping patrol aircraft urinals, standing in line, and looking cool in my flight suit.  That Secret Service thing?  Not as unheard of as you might think.  Only without hookers.  As far as you know. 
Like this. Only with blood.
2.  I was in the hospital three times:  once to have my appendix removed, once to have what is delicately called “butt” surgery, and once to get stitches in my head after heading a soccer ball.   Oh, yeah, I was born in a hospital, too.  Or so I’ve been told.
3.  I’ve been married twice.  The first Mrs. Penwasser only lasted five years.  I affectionately call her the “Bug-Eyed Ugly Woman.”  Mrs. Penwasser #2 calls her, “The Lucky Broad Who Managed to Escape.”
On the bright side, they do have casinos.
But, nutmeg!? That the best you got?
4.  I moved from Connecticut to a state which didn’t have a dopey nickname.  What the hell does “Nutmeg State” mean, anyway?
5.  I totaled my car in North Carolina. 
“Did you have anything to drink tonight, Mr. Penwasser?”
“A couple beers, officer.”
"Aw, crap, I thought you brought the water."
6.  I burned down 7 acres of woodland by accident once.  I won’t tell you how many times I did it on purpose.
7.  All-You-Can-Drink Mimosa Breakfast=Questionable Behavior in a Mobile Home Park Swimming Pool on Sunday afternoon.
    There, I hoped you’ve gained a little insight into just what it is that makes me tick.  Oh, sure, there’s a lot more to tell.  But, I only had to mention seven facts.
    On the bright side, buck up.  The challenge will soon be over.  And then I can tell you about whatever pops into my mind without having to worry about a specific letter.
    Like that one bachelor party........


  1. I had no idea you'd been married before until you mentioned it in a comment to me very recently Al so it's great to learn more about you buddy, great post as usual.

  2. It is good to learn more about people, and it is cool you had something to fall back on like an award. V is indeed for versatile. Congratulations as well :) You're almost, almost done, stick it out a bit more.

  3. I don't know how people can be serious when they comment on your posts, Mr. Penwasser. I just spit coffee all over myself reading your underwear poem. The ending was stupendous!!

    I'm sorry to hear you totaled your car here in NC but it doesn't surprise me one bit. This place is a pothole in a pit of hell. Oh, did I just say that? What I meant was that it's real purty but you have to be careful driving here. Probably because the people are so much smarter than you.

    #7...I want to hear more about #7!!!!! ;D

  4. I also have a post idea that I am wanting to write. But, by the time May gets here, I'll probably forget.
    And you really need to quit drinking around water.

  5. I also have 7 random facts about you. Just so you know, my silence can be bought. Today's 6th degree is Jean-Claude Van Damme to Kevin Bacon. Tachnically, he'd be classified as a guy who's in movies and not an 'actor' (if you've seen his work).

    1. Jean-Claude Van Damme-Sylvester Stallone-Henry Winkler-Ron Howard-Kevin Bacon
      Van Damme was in 'The Expendables 2' with Sylvester Stallone who was in 'The Lords of Flatbush' with Henry Winkler who was in 'Happy Days' with Ron Howard whop directed 'Apollo 13' which starred Kevin Bacon
      Would that picture be one of the random facts? Expect to see that on Blogger. Pretty funny.
      Or would it be a conversation that went something like....
      "Hey, she's smiling at me."
      "She's a working girl."

  6. At least nutmeg is a thing. I live in the Hoosier State. I am glad I helped you choose your V post.

  7. you like to allude to that trailer park morning of drunken, debaucherous swimming. but you never tell the story. i'm starting to have my doubts...
    also, my last name started with V for most of my life. you could have written about me.

  8. A toilet cleaning, car crashing, pyro, congrats on the award that gave you an easy out for a post..haha and that image I did not need in my head.

  9. Only you can prevent forest fires, or did they neglect to mention that ;) love the post and congrats on the award :)

  10. Every town here in CT is required to have one resident named Meg who is a complete nut.
    Fun fact: We're also known as "The Constitution State" (because to put up with these people you need a strong constitution), "The Provisions State" (because we don't allow amateur psychics), and apparently, "The Land of Steady Habits" (because, unlike other states, our nuns are never spontaneous).

  11. You gave so many fun facts about yourself and yet the best, at least to me of course, was picturing you in my head running away from an airplane on the flight deck! Great - as always...

  12. If you spelt words wrong they you could (mis)type what every you wanted when ever you wanted! If you were thinking of hotdogs today and wanted to blog about them you could go:

    V is for Vhotdog! and then blog all about them!

    The A-Z challenge can be easy if you just give up your hangups about "correct spelling"!
    I hope you tell us about the fires you set on purpose! W is for Wfires I Wstarted Wone puWpoWs!

  13. Congrats on the award and you got a post out of win!

  14. Connecticut is famous for special cigar wrapper tobacco.
    I didn't know the Chinese possibly invented WalMart. Thank God you are here.
    That story about the vibrant vegetarian veternarian's valet getting venereal disease on valentines day was very vague,I can't visualize the veracity or verify the verity without more verbiage.

  15. Congrats on your award and your victorious "V" post! Surely you'll spread more "V" stories around later! Julie

  16. I too burned down woods. Well it wasn't exactly me but it was senior skip weekend. Thanks for the idea sucker!

  17. What a clever way to kill two birds.

  18. @Matthew: And, thankfully for the world, we never reproduced.
    @Mark: I'm in the home stretch. I still need to write a post for 'Y.' Why? Because I haven't.
    @Jenn: The conversation went like this:
    At a pizza place in Virginia Beach at 8 PM on a Friday.
    "Hey, you wanna go to Nag's Head tonight?"
    "Why not?"
    "Well, we can drive down there and hang out at the beach."
    "But, it's late."
    "Yeah, sure, but what's the worst that can happen?"
    At 2:30 AM in a ditch in Moyock, NC, the worst happened. And, while I can't be sure, that event spurred me to reenlist in the Navy. If I hadn't, I never would have met Mrs. Penwasser. And Mrs. Penwasser #1 before her. So, it's a "good news-bad news" kinda thing.
    I'm really gonna have to blog about #7. Maybe next month.....

  19. I now understand what makes you tick! It's a freaking funny thing. I think you hit about 20 different subjects here. Hilarious! I never started a forest fire, but I did burn most of my high school athletic field with a match gun...

  20. I hope to be a lucky broad who managed to escape someday. I need the cash.
    Since you were once in the Navy, could you tell me if movies about the Navy are accurate?

  21. @Ruth: I, too, hope that I remember what I need to write in...uh, what were we talking about?
    @Jeremy: An idea for 'V' was one of my earliest decisions. Too bad I had to wait until the alphabet was nearly over.
    @Sherilin: I'm really going to have to write about that. I wonder if the statute of limitations on idiot drunk stories has passed?
    @Pat: I do have a funny story about dumping the urinal on a frozen ramp in the middle of a Maine winter. A gust of wind caused me to fall and....well, you'll have to wait until I write it.
    @MonkeyButt: Actual quote-"Let's burn all evidence we were ever here." Funny, neither one of us had water. Of note: drinking was not involved. We were sober morons.
    @Nate: I have a niece named Meg. Who now lives in Boston. I knew that about the Constitution State, but I couldn't think of anything funny about it. I didn't know about the other two, though. Which makes me sad because I lived there 18 years.
    @Elsie: I was never so brave as between flight operations. When the airplanes weren't actually on.
    @Bersercules: That, no kidding, is an idea for next year! Thanks!
    @CrackYouWhip: I know, you don't even get that lucky at the Indian casinos.
    @Anthony: I think it has to do with cucumbers. And Crisco.
    @Julie: But, if I do spread it around, remember: there's a pill for that.
    @Bushman: You're welcome. When I told the story to my 18 year old nephew last year, he was amazed. "Geez, Uncle Al, I didn't know you were so gangsta bad-ass." Yep. Fashizzle.
    @Nancy: Just an act of fowl play.
    @Pat: Just to watch it burn...... Jeez-a-lou, they'd put BOTH us in Juvie nowadays.
    @Nellie: Some are, most aren't. Ask me about a couple. 'Top Gun' was almost dead-on accurate (although there WAS some BS about it). 'The Hunt For Red October' wasn't bad. If you want to know what I did in my later career (providing you saw the movie), I was a lot like Jonesy. Except I flew instead of rode submarines. And I wasn't black. I'm still not.