Tuesday, April 24, 2012

April 24th-Brought To You By the Letter 'U'




I know I did an underwear poem last year, too.  But, this one is different.  Somehow, the thought of undergarments brings out the poet in me!
NOTE:  If you want to see what a real poet does, visit Pat Hatt at Rhyme Time.  Compared to him, I suck.  Well, compared to what you'd normally find on bathroom walls, I suck. 


Underwear

Last year’s challenge from ‘A’ to ‘Z’
was pretty easy.  Even for me.

But, this year when I got to ‘U’
I wondered, perplexed...what should I do?

Worried, I was.  So I thought, “Should I dare
write another poem on underwear?”

This won’t be a rhyme of reproduction.
Just my underwear-with introduction.

So, sit back, relax, and set a spell.
Tomorrow’s ‘T’ so you may as well.

As a wee babe, my parents saw fit
to wrap me in cloth or be covered in shit.

Cloth diaper’s what I wore.  Then I’d soil it.
Which Mom would rinse clean in the toilet.
They were just...so...damn...comfortable
Then, I grew older.  Those diapers?  Old news.
I had drawers with a pee hole I never used.

Bugs Bunny, Popeye, and Tigger, too.
While wearing my Batman underoos.
"Holy pup tent, Batman!
That Batgirl's got it goin' on!"
To tightey-whiteys I went next, you see.
Little Al and “the boys.”  Snug as could be.
I know.  This is the third time I used this picture.
But, that Gary Coleman dude just cracks me up.
Yes, they were dorky, but what could I do?
I didn’t like white.  Hmm...red?  Maybe blue?

But, as I started dating the fairer sex
I was cursed by this damn silly underdrawers hex.

For, as she drew near in her sexy, sheer nightie
I rose to embrace her...damn tightey-whiteys!

I decided no more “Underwear Nerd.”
From skivvy prison I quickly demurred.

Bikini Briefs were great silken sacks.
Banana hammocks to hold my Klick-Klacks.

A wee porn star, with a cheesy moustache.
But, like the end of disco, bikinis: trash.
Now just picture bikini briefs under the uniform.
I know.  Ewww.
 Going commando meant skin to zipper.
Better watch out for those weenie rippers.

But, that was just skeevy, fashion doom.
Along with visiting Emergency Rooms.
No, I don't know why I never bought button flys, either.
 Boxers?  Oh, heavens, dear me, no!
Can’t have the little guy poke out, “Hello!

Now I’m middle-aged.  I breathe with relief
With the comforting snugness of boxer briefs.
Yep, what I see when I look in the mirror.
My mirror's broke.
But, when I’m old and incontinent...?
What’ll I do in that event?
I don’t know.
That...Depends.
It's the circle of life.
And then you die.
With a messy bum.





31 comments:

  1. Awesome poem Al, underwear does bring the poet out in you for sure, the boxer briefs verse made me laugh specifically the most.

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  2. LMAO oh you have the rhyme skills when it comes to underwear down pat. Very much enjoyed by the cat. Have to agree those boxer briefs are best, I cringed at the commando zipper part, oh that would hurt..haha

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  3. I was always amazed what a 6 month cruise and ship's laundry did to tighty whities. From virgin cotton, white-as-the-driven snow to a torn, battleship gray, rough as sandpaper remnant with blown-out elastic bands. But I digress. Can you get from Peter Ustinov to Kevin Bacon?

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    1. That's why my "ship" underwear was never allowed to come home. Mrs. Penwasser didn't want it to infect normal underwear. Anyway...
      Peter Ustinov-Chris O'Donnell-Val Kilmer-Meg Ryan-Tom Hanks-Kevin Bacon
      Peter Ustinov was in 'The Bachelor' with Chris O'Donnell who was in 'Batman Forever' with Val Kilmer who was in 'Top Gun' with Meg Ryan who was in 'You've Got Mail' with Tom Hanks who was in 'Apollo 13' with Kevin Bacon.

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  4. That was really good actually. I mostly wear boxers these days. I've rarely ever gone commando.

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  5. klick klacks? weinie rippers? nice! and my favorite part was that you managed to fit "banana hammock" into your poem. that's one of my favorite things to say, but there aren't nearly enough opportunities for me to do so. i also like to call those bikinis "manties". it has a nice ring to it, doesn't it?

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  6. That was actually shockingly well written! "going commando meant skin to zipper... better watch out for those weenie rippers"!!! So poignant.... so true!! So freekin terrifying!!!!

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  7. bwhahaha.... Thats an awesome adventure through underwear there!! I didn't catch last years, but i will have to check it out :)

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  8. ..I agree with the others.... One fun adventure.... My favorite was... Bikini briefs are great silken sacks....etc. This is a great post....One of my favorite.

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  9. Maybe the loin cloth will suit you at a certain age. The Indians call it the Gandhi look, and he slept naked with young women to test his self-control.

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  10. I still haven't got any takers for the Depends that were sent to me. Just say the word and they're yours.

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  11. Tomorrow’s ‘T’ so you may as well? I thought V came after U? But I'll trust in you cause you wrote a book! You must know!

    I think you gave Pat Hatt a run for his money! But then again theres no money in blogging so your both tied at zero!

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  12. You brought me yet another reminder of the shout from the movie There's Something About Mary "Franks and Beans!"

    Job well done, Al!

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  13. My face is still curled into an awful grimace from the words "skin to zipper" ... thanks Al...

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  14. @Matthew: It's something about tightey-whiteys, I think.
    @Eva: Thanks!
    @Pat: It does. Oh, it does.
    @Mark: I did for oh-so-brief a time. But, there's that zipper thing and the telltale streak down your leg if you don't shak...oh, that's just TMI.
    @Sherilin: The sad thing is that you can rarely fit banana hammock into normal conversation. Especially with a nun.
    @FromtheMindofaMadman: Yes, 'tis society's true horror story.
    @Dana: Thanks!
    @HeyMonkeyButt: It was another poem about a couple trying to have a baby and her husband wore tightey-whiteys. Then, he went commando. I know. Ewww.
    @Manzanita: They were so silky and comfortable. But, like Sherilin said: "manties." Probably not as sexy as I thought they were.
    @Gorilla: I'd fail that test in a New York second.
    @Ruth: Soon, very soon....
    @Bersercules: Damn, damn, damn and double damn!! I'm going to fire my proofreader. Oh, wait, that's me. Maybe I'll just give myself a stern talking to instead. Good catch.
    @Elsie: And now you know why Ben Stiller was in such distress. "Is that hair gel?"
    @Sub-Radar: Probably accompanied by a reverse hissing through the teeth.

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  15. Thanks for sparing our collective sanities
    By not posting pictures of you in panties.
    It also would have been quite wrong
    To pose for us in just a thong.
    Ideal (for us) is that you don
    A turtleneck and some long johns.

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  16. The built in elephant trunk. My personal favorite. Now if I could just get it to shuck peanuts!

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  17. Hahahahaha! That was awesome! You are a poet, you are! You are!!

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  18. @Nate: Boxers are cool.
    Commando is wrong.
    Just pity the fool
    who's sporting a thong.
    @Bushman: As long as it leaves my peanut butter alone, we're cool.
    @Nancy: And that's why I've taken to wearing a beret and walking around with bongos.

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  19. Anyone who uses the same picture of guys in their undies 3 times has got it goin' on!

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  20. It's that Gary Coleman dude. He may be dead, but he makes me chuckle.
    Which is much manlier than giggle.
    To say nothing of titter.

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  21. Just when I thought it couldn't get any better than your Shoe Tying from around the world, you outdid yourself with this one! Yes I learned more about you than anyone ever should, but it was worth it. The "banana hammocks" line was one of many that I'd love to forget yet it will forever be emblazed in my mind. After reading this it's a crime for you not to rhyme your way through the rest of A to Z! Julie

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    1. I would, but I think I broke my rhyming banana...err...bone.

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  22. thanks, "oops i crapped my pants"!!!

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    1. Hopefully, you've got a pair of that new Bounty Underwear on-they're the quicker picker-uppers.

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  23. Tightey-whiteys are not dorky, they are incredibly sexy. Boxers never made any sense to me. They don't look right.

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    1. And that opening! Jeez, you could play "Whack-A-Mole" with that thing.

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  24. HA! That was too funny. Loved the poem.
    The mere thought of a zipper/weiner malfunction made me shiver. You see, I've experienced that particular malfunction and it made me cry. The unzipping, was more painful than the zipping...

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    1. You knew it would hurt, but you knew you had to unzip anyways. Because, you knew you very well couldn't walk into church with your trouser weasel hanging out to say hello to the congregation.
      Can I get an amen?

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