Sunday, April 1, 2012

April 1st-Brought To You By the Letter 'A'

It is now 12:20 AM, Eastern Daylight Time, on April 1st.  I'm tired of waiting.  Let the challenge begin!



Alphabet


    Welcome to the 2012 A-Z Challenge!

   26 letters, 26 different posts!  All new, all unique, all hysterically funny!
    
    Well, let’s not get carried away.
    
    This annual test gives us a chance to see what we can do with one specific letter for one specific day.  The topics are of our choosing and, in fact, can run the gamut from poetry to drawings to thoughtful, well-written treatises on the human condition.
    
    Or crap like this.
Oh, that book is so flagged.
    
    As anyone who’s ever taken an encyclopedia into the bathroom can attest (wait...you mean we all don’t do that?), you know that some letters have more possibilities than others.
    For example, take ‘A.’ I could have written anything from ‘aardvark’ to ‘azygous.’  Instead, I chose to write about the ‘alphabet.’
    
    Although, anything to do with ‘anal’ was seriously considered.
"Could be worse. Could be the accordion."
    
    Then, consider ‘X.’ Now, there is one seriously constipated letter.  Let’s see...you have ‘xylophone,’ ‘X-Ray,’ and ‘Xygote,’ but not much else.


    NOTE:  I know there are plenty of other ‘X’ words, wise-guy (like ‘Xi’, a type of baryon in particle physics.  Hey, I know what it is. I never said I knew what it meant.).

    So, ‘X’ can be tricky.  Which can mean only one thing:  a lot of ‘X-Men’ posts.  Yes, I did one last year, but this time around I’m going with something a little different.  You'll see.


    Quite a few letters are pretty easy.  Luckily, April has both “Easter” and “Passover,” so those two are no-brainers (do I really have to tell you it’s ‘E’ and ‘P’?).


    Unfortunately, by the time ‘P’ rolls around, Passover has been over for a couple weeks.  Still...it works.


    “Baseball” is also easy (seriously, you’re gonna have to figure out the other letters on your own).  Some ideas were suggested by you, my faithful followers.  Sherilin and Julie inspired me to write about “Tuck-Ins” while Geeky Tendencies and Ermie awarded me with a “Versatile Blogger.”
    
    Bingo!  ‘T’ and ‘V’. Done.
"He likes us! Penwasser really likes us!"


    I also talk about coffee, Iran, The Grey, Haikus, Narwhals, cheese, Ohio, yoga, and followers (ooh, you’re thinking...two words which begin with ‘C!’  Could there be one post which discusses them both?  Ah...no).
Not my choice for 'W."
Because that would be too easy.
And I think you've come to expect
a little more than that outta me.


    Obviously, that doesn’t add up to an entire alphabet.  I’m workin’ on ‘em, I’m workin’ on them.  Part of me enjoys the spontaneity of a topic just coming to me (like that "Giant Peter PEZ Dispenser"  from last month), but waiting around for a literary epiphany to just strike isn’t terribly efficient.


    Plus, if I finish everything by the end of the month, I can enjoy reading your blogs.


    Well, to be intellectually honest, I really ought to describe our alphabet a little (just so you don’t think you were gypped).
No, not those kind of Celtics!

   English, which is of Indo-European origin, traces its roots to Anglo-Saxon, Jute, Welsh, Old Frisian (whatever the frik that is), German, Latin, Greek, French, Celtic, Indic, Iranian (although mostly just “Death to America”), Armenian, Slavic, Baltic, Albanian, Italic, and New Jersey.  It is richly diverse.  And one of the most seriously effed-up languages on the planet.


    The letters which make up the language were first developed by the ancient Phoenicians as a way to standardize trading practices and to seriously goof with Egyptian merchants.
Yeah, 'Z' where 'G' should be. 
And dig that crazy 'S'. 
No wonder they disappeared.
    
    In fact, the Phoenician  ‘A’ looked remarkably like the letter ‘K.’  Luckily, since there were no “kangaroos” or “kimonos” in the Mediterranean, the potential for confusion never came up.  Besides, they had enough trouble trying to convince the Libyans that they should invest in sand.
"Fix...that...frikkin'...'A'! 
And, while you're at it, can you
do something about 'Z'?"


    It wasn’t until the Greeks, taking a break from ritual sodomy, noticed the discrepancy.  “Hey, what the hell is this?” they thundered.  “You can’t spell ‘Athena’ with a frikkin’ ‘K’!”
      And, so, it was changed to the present form.  Which is good, because I’d hate to eat “Kpple Pie.”

    Between the Greeks, Romans, and the Carthaginian makers of Scrabble, we finally arrived at our present-day number of 26 letters for the alphabet.


    Which is fantastic.  Imagine if we used the Cyrillic or Arabic alphabet?


    No frikkin’ way I could write a post about Ж or ش .
    
    See you for ‘B’!
"You're fired! And...you're fired!
While we're at it, can someone dig Billy Martin up?
So I can fire him, too!"
    You know what it’s about.        
   
 

36 comments:

  1. Great start! Can't wait to read about coffee AND cheese (two of my favorite foods)

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    1. Coffee will be under 'J' (I'll let you figure out why).
      Cheese will be on April 3rd. It will include a video!

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  2. You're back in true form. Well I don't know if it was all true and I'm not going to look it up. I'll take your words and letters for it.
    Good to see you back with us.


    Lee
    An A to Z Co-Host
    Tossing It Out
    Twitter: @AprilA2Z
    #atozchallenge

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  3. So who came up with the idea of alphabet soup? Not the Phoenicians, because you'd hurt your tongue trying to eat their letters. I'd like it to be the Hittites, only because they never seem to get credited with anything,

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  4. You just called me not terribly efficient. How could you do that? I am deeply wounded.
    When I was growing up, I had neighbors that had tons of magazines in the bathroom. Seriously. And a table to hold them all. I think they just subscribed to magazines to stock the bathroom.

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  5. Glad that the Greeks were "taking a break from ritual sodomy" long enough to straighten out the alphabet! Thanks for the unhonorable mention Al! I hope your fans think you're referring to hospital quality bed corners! Overall grade is an A+ !!! Julie

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  6. Off to a great start Al. Really looking forward to following your posts this month :)

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  7. Using an encylopedia for inspiration is genius Al, great post buddy.

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  8. You don't have to spell Athena, just worship her, but if she shows up...RUN!

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  9. A classic as always. Oh wait that's "C" nevermind you jacka....I better go now. Great start!

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  10. @Bushman: According to the Phoenicians, it may be a Klassic. But I think they're dead anyway, so it's all good.
    @Nellie: Especially if she brings that chick with all the snakes in her hair.
    @Yeamie: I had to be careful in the bathroom. Only X, Y, or Z. If I brought 'A' in with me, I ran the risk of my colon falling out of my body.
    @Huntress: The authorities are keeping an eye on me. Especially after I Googled "chicken vaginas."
    @Mynx: I give the Southern Hemisphere a shout-out in 'B.' Hope you read.
    @Julie: Of COURSE it was hospital bed corners. Well...not really.
    @Ruth: Many posts have just come to me from out of the blue. In fact, I had one post last year about where underwear is made while I was-you guessed it-in the bathroom. I looked down at the tag in my underwear and saw "Hecho En Vietnam." A Spanish writing for something made in Southeast Asia. I thought that odd. Probably not as odd as an old dude staring at his underwear, though.
    @Nancy: So, it was a good thing I didn't write anything about 'anal?'
    @Gorilla: Didn't they invent that rubber spider which walks down walls?
    @Arlee: I put down what I know. The rest I make up. Or I get it from the internet. Because, as we all know, if it's on the internet, it has to be true.

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  11. This is going to be a really interesting...and now I know, hysterical...month. :) What a great start!

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  12. But why couldn't you tell me all the letters, it would have made my job easier. I considered anal too, but I figured I would stray away from that..haha...using another alphabet like those know even the cat could do and make it make sense, but then does he ever make sense?

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  13. I loved it! Looking forward to reading more!

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  14. @DL: I hope so. And that the mention of pet sodomy for the Easter post isn't too much over the top.
    @Pat: From what I've read, the ancient Greeks didn't stray too far from anal.
    @DM: Hopefully, they won't all be as long. "E' is the longest, I'm afraid. 'D', on the other hand, is the shortest ('Z' isn't that far behind, either).

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  15. Off and running Al. That must be a later picture of Billy Martin, huh? He was such a skinny, lean kid when he and my husband had their go-around..... that my husband always said was a misunderstanding. :)

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  16. OK, seriously? I have yet to see a better photo on the top of anyone's blog! You do have a way with words, no matter what letter tey start with!
    Happy A to Z!

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  17. I know these are gonna' be good!!

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  18. Thanks for not taking an anal angle. (Yeah, that's what she said. Right?)
    Looking forward to your quirky, humorous, creative span of the alphabet.

    xoRobyn

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  19. I loved your start, and not only because I got a shout out! Thanks for the mention!

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  20. You're back, you're back! Well worth the short wait, Al!

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  21. And he's off to a good start. Yes, that's Al over there running toward the finish line.
    Will he combine speed and endurance? Stay tuned...

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  22. @Manzanita: That's actually George Steinbrenner who, like Billy, has also assumed room temperature. Did your husband play with/against/for Billy Martin? That must be a way cool story.
    @Cathy: I tried but Mrs. Penwasser refused to take that picture. I had to ask a friend. Who, remarkably, is still a friend. Any port in a storm, though.
    @Eva: Gosh, I hope so. Good thing I didn't try for anything deep or meaningful. I think I would have missed that by a long shot. I leave that to intelligent people.
    @Violet: Well, it's better than "joust." The authorities frown on that nowadays.
    @Robyn: The Anal Angle: "Bring your knees up to your chest. You'll feel a slight pressure. Just try to relax." A post like that would dredge up too many memories.
    @Jeremy: You're very welcome.
    @L: I'm gonna do my best.
    @AC: I took a pill to keep up my endurance. But, I really don't know what an erection lasting four hours has to do with writing.

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  23. You are a master "wordsmith" with a whacky sense of humour!
    Excellent stuff!

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    Replies
    1. I've been told the rubber room awaits.

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  24. I love the way your blog flows and look forward to reading your posts!

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    1. Thanks!
      I hope my flow is better than linoleum.
      Because a linoleum flo just looks chintzy if you don't do it right.

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  25. mr penwasser, i giggled when i read that i've got narwhals and cheese to look forward to. such a random chap you are. got anything for H yet? cuz i sent you a lovely picture today...

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    1. Yes. Haikus.
      Hee hee hee
      Hey, those start with 'H', too!
      Hmmm, so does "hey!"
      Holy hell!
      And so do...aw forget it!

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    2. Oh and, by the way, you get a mention in 'F.'
      But, it's NOT the 'F' word you think it may be.
      So you can relax.

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  26. That was great news about the alphabet, you must be an alphamale. Whats it all about alpha? What about all those consonants? and vowels? Are you going to do knishes for K?
    I can't wait!

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    1. 'K' is one of a handful I haven't written yet. But, I will tell you this: it's not "knishes."
      Or Kpple Pie.

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    2. And my dog ALWAYS listens to me. Mrs. Penwasser says that's because I'm the alphamale. But, I think it's also because he has no nuts.

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