Wednesday, April 18, 2012

April 18th-Brought To You By the Letter 'P'



Passover

    I'm a little late.
In case you didn't know, here it is.
Orange line confuses the hell out of the fish, though.
    After all, Passover happened on Good Friday and it’s now April 18th.  Or April 19th, for those west of the International Date Line (or is that the 17th?  I can never get those things straight.  Like, is it “rock party anthem" or "party rock anthem?”).
    Sidebar, your honor (pretty much interchangeable with a “NOTE”, to be honest)?  Hey, all you Australia, New Zealand, and Falkland Islands people?  Starting to get a little chillier where you are?  While it’s getting a little warmer here?
    That hemisphere thing cuts both ways, you know.
They're not called 'Islas Malvinas' for nothing.
I'm just sayin'...
    Sidebar following a sidebar:  Speaking of the Falkland Islands....you people better start learning Spanish, if you know what I mean.  You’re not going to be able to keep those sheep to yourselves forever.
    Okay, where was I?  Oh, yeah.
    April 6th just didn’t work for “Passover.”  After all, it was an ‘F’ day (in more ways than one) and I couldn’t logically fit a ‘Passover’ post in.  I tried “Oh, F!  I Forgot to buy a Frikkin’ Passover card!”, but I thought most of you would have seen it as a shameless attempt to inject filler into the A-Z Challenge.
    Like that dreadful “Lemonade” post.
Yep. Full of shit.
    Anyway, I still wanted to recognize one of the most solemn days in the Jewish calendar.  So, I tossed off a “Happy Passover” post before the regularly scheduled ‘F’ entry. Which, at this time, has yet to be written.  Although, by now, it has.  After I wrote this.  Even though it’s chronologically beforeP’.  I’m so confused.  No wonder time travel isn’t possible.
    Having done so, I promised to be back on the 18th to give Passover its proper due.  Of course, I run the risk of you having moved on to the next holiday.  Which is Memorial Day.  But, that’s not until the end of May, so it’s a risk I’m willing to take.
    As a test of how much I learned in school, I’m not going to consult a book, Google, the entrails of an owl, or Mr. Fineman from across the street.  I’m also too lazy to open a book.
    NOTE (that’s more like it.  Enough with this pretentious ‘sidebar’ nonsense):  The following could be considered wildly irreverent.  Could be?  Please accept my apologies in advance.  I just hope that Hell has visiting hours so you can come see me.   
    Passover is a Jewish (I think we got that) celebration which commemorates the exodus (so THAT explains the book) of the Hebrews from Egypt, way back when Betty White was just a teenager.
"Once I become Pharaoh,
I'm cutting this dumbass hair thing off."
    They were led by Charlton Heston, who if he had only kept his mouth shut, could have eventually become Pharaoh and freed the slaves.  Along the way, he could also have bagged the hot Nefertiri (not to be confused with ‘Nefertiti.’  Who was in The Mummy.  Who was hot, too).  Then, Ramses (aka Yul Brynner), wouldn’t have donned the royal loincloth and bedded Anne Baxter.
See what I'm saying?
She's been dead for almost 30 years now, though.
Which kinda sucks.

Especially for her.
    But, noooooo, he had to go out into the desert, raise some sheep, marry Lily Munster, open the Midian chapter of the NRA, and meet God (who did not look like George Burns).
    If he hadn’t, though, Cecil B. DeMille wouldn’t have known what type of movie to make.
    Moses, heeding a divine call, decided to go back to Egypt to free the slaves.  Imagine Ramses’ chagrin (i.e., hacked-off) when the “Big Mo” barged into meetings of the Pyramid Planning Commission, waved his stick around, and turned goats into chickens.  Or grass stains into dazzling whites.
Boils.  Snooki. 
Wonder how they were 
able to tell the difference. 
    Moses directed (well, God actually.  Moses was the middleman) that a series of plagues be visited on Egypt: frogs, locusts, boils (eww), bloody water, Snooki, irritable bowel syndrome, etc.  All meant to convince Pharaoh to “let the people go.”  The scourges were actually starting to work, too, until Ramses looked at the latest Gallup poll numbers.  Figuring he had to satisfy his “slavery” base, his heart was hardened and he called the whole deal off.
    Well, Moses eventually had enough of this crap.  He told Ramses that the first-born of Egypt would be slain in punishment for enslaving his people.  This included (cue dramatic music) the Pharaoh’s own son!
"Hey, whaddya know?
Monkeys can fly!"
    NOTE:  I think this was true, at least according to the movie.  Hollywood was pretty truthful sixty years ago.  Except I don’t think monkeys could fly.
    The Hebrews, feeling pretty damned cocky, painted goat (or sheep?) blood over their doors.  They felt quite safe that death would “pass” them “over.”  (Get it now?).  If only because Death got wicked skeeved at the sight of blood.
"Whaddya mean, no Canadian Ham?
Well, I'll just have to give this to the Catholics down the street.
Wait. Catholics haven't been invented yet?
Oh, F!!"
    So, they hung out while the “Destroyer” (depicted by a red cloud.  Hollywood special effects were kinda cheesy back then.  Have you seen King Kong?) went from door to door seeking out the Egyptians, accompanied by a couple of Mormons who figured “hey, it couldn’t hurt.”  They sang songs, prayed prayers, played “Old Testament Yahtzee”, and ate unleavened bread (because Dominos stopped delivering at 10).
Not bad with peanut butter,
jelly...and wine.
    When the day dawned and Ramses saw the mess (“Now, we’ll never get that blood out!”), he ordered Moses to pack up his shit and get the hell out.
    NOTE:  Ramses may not have actually said ‘shit.’
    So, Moses jumped for Joy (his sister-in-law) and convinced everybody to head out (“So, where is it we’re going exactly, Mr. Fancy Pants Big Shot?”).  He wasn’t exactly sure where, though.  His BFF, Aaron, had turned his map into an origami swan.
"Yeah, see? Moses is a punk, see?
This hat is squeezin' my frikkin'
head like a grape, see?"
    Bottom line, the Hebrews finally left Egypt.  Along the way, the Egyptian Army went for a one-way dip in the Red Sea, Edward G. Robinson talked a lot of smack, Aaron was forced to make some seriously effed-up looking calf, they got all jiggy with their bad selves at the base of Mount Sinai, Moses saw a wicked cool light show on the mountain, and had bread fall out of the sky for breakfast, lunch, and dinner (“So we couldn’t maybe get a nice brisket instead?”). 
    They were finally allowed to enter the Promised Land after 40 years (the prior tenants had a wicked long-term lease).
    Since I’m over 1,000 words, let me finish by saying that Moses wasn’t even allowed to enter with the rest of his people (he didn’t get his wrist stamped). 
"Is it any wonder Bo thought I was hot?
Can someone untie me now?"
    He had to watch while Joshua (played by John Derek.  Before he got fat, married Bo, and died) led his people into...Canaan?  Or somewhere the Iranians would get all hacked off about.
    I think it had something to do with smacking a rock to get water.  Which was a mistake.
    Because, as we all know, paper, not water, covers rock.  
    Now, go ahead, get ready for Memorial Day.

22 comments:

  1. It's so cool to learn more about Passover in your awesome way of telling it Al, great post buddy.

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  2. I always get Passover and Thanksgiving mixed up, thanks for clearing this up.

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  3. the picture captions really tell the story here :)

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    1. I enjoy writing captions most of all!

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  4. Today's 6th degree, in keeping with the Jewish theme, is Natalie Portman (Does this mean that Luke and Leia were Jewish?). If successful, a CHENG will holster his brick, lower his glasses so they barely rest on his nose and give you a piercing stare over the frames. Mazel tov.

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    1. Natalie Portman-Jack Nicholson-Kevin Bacon
      Natalie Portman was in 'Mars Attacks' with Jack Nicholson who was also in 'A Few Good Men' with Kevin Bacon.
      And NO Ron Howard this time.

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  5. Passover is so confusing, no wonder I always pass it over...haha Time travel isn't that hard you just need to go the 88 mph to get it done. And we don't have memorial day, no fair!

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  6. lmao...Im so confused!!! Happy Passover, I think? I'm not Jewish! Yay Memorial Day (cause that's when the pools open)! :)

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  7. Wow, I didn't know they had Gallup polls back then.

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  8. I know quite a lot about Passover, but only because of the Rugrats episode on it! Great post :)

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  9. @Matthew: It really is mostly true, as far as I can remember. I could be wrong about Domino's though.
    @Tony: I don't think Yeshiva University plays B'Nai B'rith Community College in a football game on Passover, though.
    @Pat: Yeah, but you have Canadian Thanksgiving! While all we have is Columbus Day. Which, unless you're a mailman or a bank, isn't even a day off.
    @Monkey Butt: And Labor Day is when the pools close. Or women give birth. Now I'M confused!
    @Ruth: Yeah, they took 'em on clay tablets.
    @Loopyloo: I saw the very same episode. I learned most about Passover at Saint Stanislaus Catholic School. Although, I think the nuns co-opted Passover and the Moses story as some sort of Easter thing. My kids loved the "Rugrats." Although I really think those parents should've been hauled off for child neglect.

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  10. Paper before rock, but also Party before Rock in the anthem. It took me a while to get that one right, but remembering that most bands are huge partiers that party themselves out of careers made it stick. I'd have not liked Moses job. Sure, the burning bush would have been better than dripping clocks, but having to scream orders down a mountain to a crowd would be too much on my voice.

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    1. Especially when they were all dancing around a gold calf with that notorious buzz-kill, Edward G. Robinson.
      Thanks for that "Party Rock" tip. I'll never forget it now.

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  11. We also have some day a week before Memorial day, so we get a day off a week before you, how nice.

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  12. As we get closer to Memorial Day, I plan on doing a post about that. There's also a Canadian Armed Forces Day. I wrote down the date somewhere (so I don't miss the "It's Canadian Armed Forces Day, Charlie Brown!" special on A&E).

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  13. A great post on the Exodus, I';m glad I didn't passover it.

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    1. Just think of all the good food you can get. Well, except for that Gefilte fish thing. You can probably give that a pass.

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  14. Thanks for sneaking Snooky in! Now I know it's all true! Instead of performing at weddings and bar mizvahs, I think you should start leading seders! The crowds would love you, and you would get a "nice brisket" out of it! Julie
    P.S. I noticed you gave Ron Howard the slip today!

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  15. Honey I`m watching u for a while! I like your blog and I was thinking...maybe we can follow each other! tell me what do you think, kisses :X

    FashionSpot.ro

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  16. I am so confused. My brain doesn't want to cooperate because it craves nicotine, but I have not exercised yet, so it will suffer a little longer. Everything I just read, my brain is too weak to doubt at the moment.

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  17. @Nellie: Let the soothing embrace of Qi caress you like the warm whispers of a summer breeze. Or you can just kick someone's ass at Scrabble. It's all good. Thursday's post will explain all.
    @Iona: Back atcha.
    @Julie: After all, what's Passover without mention of Snooki? Well, for starters, STD-free. I will let Ron slip whenever I have the chance. My 'Q' challenge will be...uh...challenging, though. Geez, it's not like I have enough to do! :-)

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  18. See, if my parents had told me the story of Passover this way, I might still be Jewish instead of Jew-ish.

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