Thursday, April 12, 2012

April 12th-Brought To You By the Letter 'K'


Krypton
"It's a gas, gas, gas!"
Sources:  The Internet (where else?), Comic-Book Store nerds

    Krypton (Kr) -  A chemical element, whose name is derived from the Greek for “Hidden One” (this can also be attributed to “Weird Uncle Clifford”), which was discovered by Sir William Gordon Ramsay (or is that “Sir Gordon William Ramsay”?  No matter.  He’s dead.  Not like he’d care anyway.) before Betty White was born (but don’t quote me).  It’s a colorless, odorless, and tasteless noble gas.


    NOTE:  Just an observation...if anyone farts in my general vicinity, I’d call that tasteless.  But, certainly not noble.


    It’s used in lighting and photography (who knew?).  Its Atomic Number is 36 and it belongs to the....hey, wait.  Is anyone else as frikkin’ bored as I am?


    That’s what I thought.  So...


"You mean this isn't All-You-Can-Eat?
Aw, frik!"
    Krypton is also Superman’s home planet.  Which blew up when Marlon Brando, playing his father, Jor-El, got too fat.


Apparently, not faster than
a speeding bullet.
    I could go into the whole mythology of how/when/where the Superman story played out.  God knows the folks at DC Comics have dorked around with it enough in an effort to take readers away from those showoffs at Marvel Comics. 


    But, we’ve got ‘L’ tomorrow and don’t have enough time.  Let’s just use another ‘K’ word (God, I hope you’re all still here after that sucky Periodic Table of Elements crap):


    Kryptonite:
    Pieces of Krypton after it blew up (hence the catchy name), these deadly chunks pose serious hazards wherever they land.  Sorta like Snooki.


    Each has its own particular deleterious (hey, I can use synonyms, too) effects when exposed to native Kryptonians.  Although, plants and human beings (not necessarily different species.  Remember.  Snooki.) can suffer adversely, too.


    In no certain order (why?  I still need to write ‘M,’ that’s why):


"Great!
Now what am I going
to do with a yellow face?"
    Green:  The absolute worst.  This can kill Superman.  Or at least add 20 more minutes to the movie while he figures out why he doesn’t feel so hot.


    Red:  This can really eff Superman up, from causing him to grow four arms to dressing up as Sarah Palin.  Its effects are temporary.  But, he’d never be able to live down that Sarah Palin thing, though.


Couldn't  give a crap less about kryptonite.
But, ironically, suffers from Arachnophobia.
    Gold:  Produced by exposing Green or Red kryptonite to intense nuclear radiation.  As opposed to a little nuclear radiation.  Robs Kryptonians of their super powers.  But, at over $1,000 an ounce, they really should consider it.


Closest you're going to get
to learning about Bizarro.
Go find your own nerd. 
    Blue:  Imperfect duplication of Green kryptonite.  It was created by Superman (why the frik he’d want to duplicate that Green crap is beyond me) using Professor Dalton’s “Duplicator Ray” when he tried heat up that Chinese food from last night.  Its harmless to Kryptonians, but deadly to Bizarro Superman.


    NOTE:  I didn’t know this.  This is where the Comic-Book Store Nerds came in.     
      
    White:  Formed when Green Kryptonite passed through a “Space Cloud” (I strongly suspect this happened when the imaginative writers were on vacation).  Deadly to plant life, no matter from which planet.  Superman uses this to get rid of poison ivy.


    Oh, there’s lots more, many more than I would have thought.  But, I need to get moving.  However, my internet research (the nerds had to get home.  Mom was making Salisbury Steak) led me to a form of kryptonite I never knew existed.  A form that I was going to make a joke about, but decided not to because it would be a gratuitous cheap shot.


    Lo and behold, I didn’t need to.  Because, as God as my witness (if He has the time), DC saved me the trouble.  I swear the below is true.


Yeah. No kidding.
    Pink:  First seen in Supergirl #79 (in 2003!), this form of Kryptonite turns heterosexual Kryptonians into homosexual Krptonians.
Lends new meaning to the term "Superman's Pal."
If you know what I mean.
    In other words, to paraphrase from a more successful DC Comics movie adaptation:  “Holy Pearls With Corduroy, Batman!”


    Seems pretty tasteless to me.


    And definitely not noble.
Okay, so this has very little to do with what you just read.
But....Great Caesar's Ghost!
  And,  for the ladies (cause I know you're out there)...
The latest Superman.
Any guesses why Lois Lane calls him the 'Man of Steel?'

   

25 comments:

  1. Lois's Man of Steel, huh? Thanks for the Superman education. Now that phone booths are "out" I've wondered where Superman changes.

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  2. It's 6 degree challenge time: Bob Keeshan (aka Captain Kangaroo) to Kevin Bacon. If successful, a gray-haired carrier XO will leap from his wheelchair and give you a Topgun style (e.g.; gay) high five (shirts optional).

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    1. Easier than I thought.....Bob Keeshan played Clarabelle the Clown on Buffalo Bob's show. Buffalo Bob was on an episode of Happy Days. Which also starred Ron Howard. Who directed Apollo 13. Which also starred Kevin Bacon.
      That wardroom farewell was hysterical, by the way.

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  3. I don't know. Some farts are so bad, you could swear you can taste them. Ewwww!
    My husband is a comic book nerd, but I don't think he even knew about pink kryptonite. He didn't like supergirl though.

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  4. Never knew krypton was an actual element, show what I know. Good call with the green kryptonite it is always so pathetic how he's like "what is happening I feel week" every friggin time when it is obvious what it is. But they need to drag it out.

    Oh and some farts can smell so bad they aren't so tasteless...hahaha

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  5. The whole Superman and kryptonite thing makes little sense to me as somebody who's more of a loyal Marvel fan than a DC one so thanks for explaining it. It seriously sucks to lose your planet due to your father's obesity too haha, great post Al.

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  6. Interesting! HA! My boys pride themselves in the quality smells they can produce. YIKES.

    I'm a new follower from the AtoZ Challenge. Nice to meet you.

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  7. Brown Kryptonite must be what Superman shits out when he's constipated. Do you think he'd make anyone eat it? I've got a feeling he's too square...

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    1. Brown Kryptonite does exist, no shit (pardon the pun). Invented on 'Smallville', it causes Superboy and Clark Kent to flatulate uncontrollably. And I'm not shitting you (okay, pun intended).
      Golly, the things I've learned on the internet.......

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  8. I came for the nerdy reference, and stayed for the fart puns. A+ would stay again, haha.

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  9. As a comic nerd I must say: Gold is the worst kryptonite, if superman gets close to it he loses his powers perminetly, if he is close to green kryptonite he starts to get weak and die, but it takes awhile and if he moves away from it he can keep living, gold kryptonite robs him of his powers instently. Gee if only you could take college classes in superhero history! I'd have a masters degree!

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  10. @Bersercules: Agreed about Gold. And that's scary. We both know that.
    @Mike: Seriously, you can never go wrong with farts. Except in an elevator with Mike Tyson.
    @Gorilla: Now that you mention it, I think Brown Kryptonite actually came from Kryptonian Mens Rooms when the planet exploded.
    @Margo: Do they smile and ask, "Yeah, how 'bout THAT!?" I know I used to. Oh, who am I kidding? Still do.
    @Matthew: Yeah, imagine coming back from a trip to, oh, say, Mars. You look around and ask, "Hey, didn't I leave my planet around here somewhere?" By the way, I grew up a Spiderman fan. I also read a lot of Superman. Now, it's Batman and Spiderman. Superman? Not so much. The dude can do anything, so he's kind of boring.
    @Pat: See? That's the best thing about the challenge. I actually need to research things. I originally thought that Superman came before the element (ain't that like a guy, though? Always coming first).
    @Ruth: Funny how our own farts never smell bad. I never knew about pink kryptonite. Google it.
    @Manzanita: Doesn't he just run down an alley and strip off his clothes now? Try that in Philly and you'd get arrested. Or, more likely, shot.

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  11. lolz.... Very cool!!! Im the furthest from a super man fan, but this was good :)

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  12. That info and a couple dollars will get you a Cuppa Joe (NOTE: Clever allusion to my 'J' post).
    But, be careful of Slow Kryptonite, because it has the same effects as Green Kryptonite on Kryptonians. It's called "slow" because its rays are slower in frequency which makes it deadly to beings that emit rays low in frequency (uh...us).
    It was invented by Metallo.
    Dear Lord in heaven, I didn't know ANY of this until the challenge. I have myself (and Arlee Bird) to blame.

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  13. Aha! So it's like the meteor/meteorite thing: The rock is Krypton when hurtling through space, but Kryptonite when it lands on earth. Ooh, I learned something today.

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  14. You are such a whack job! I just bought your other book...The Knothead Twins. I also posted a review of the Shag Carpet Toilet on Amazon.

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  15. @Eva: Thank you very much-you're the coolest. I think you'll see that the Knothead twins is a little different than my other stuff. Still, I hope you like it!
    @Nate: Or like Israelite. No, wait....that's not right.

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  16. more than i ever needed to know about Kryptonite...

    great Caesar's ghost! great expression!

    and nice pic too...

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  17. I wish I could claim that expression. Perry White (dear Lord, I remember the name of the Daily Planet's editor....dear Lord, I remember it was called the Daily Planet). But, sadly, I can't.
    Great Googli Moogli.
    Crap! That's not my expression, either.

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  18. Love the pink Kryptonite and the line "Holy pearls with corduroy Batman!" Christopher Reeve was the best Superman and I had his poster (wearing a sweater not a cape) on my dorm room wall! Julie

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  19. Bravo to the new Superman. keep him away from the pink Kryptonite. I know I don't have a chance in hell with him, and I am into far older men anyway, but he is foxy.

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  20. Cool post...always found Superman a little funny, not heroic!

    Hope you’re enjoying the challenge so far.
    --Damyanti, Co-host A to Z Challenge April 2012

    Twitter: @AprilA2Z
    #atozchallenge

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  21. You are so delightful to read! I love it, now I need some white kryptonite to get rid of the poison ivy around the yard . . .

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  22. Love this post! I often blog about my own kryptonites and we are big fans of superheros. I'll have to pop back in for more!

    Nice to meet you through A-Z!

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  23. @Julie: Christopher Reeve WAS the best Superman. The best movies were I and II. The whole "making it with Lois Lane" was tiresome in the 2nd one, but the Kryptonian villains ("You will kneel to Zod!") were great. The "pearls" line is as old as my high school days. The entire line was "Pearls?? With corduroy!!?? Are you mad!!??"
    @Nellie: Ah....Pink kryptonite.....the things you learn on the internet. Apparently, it's legit. And stylish.
    @Damyanti: And not nearly as dark as Batman. Who was the...Dark Knight! Hey, NOW I get it!!
    @Sheila: You'd think they'd sell that crap at Home Depot. Except I think that Stan Lee (HINT for non-nerdy folk: he founded Marvel Comics) is their CEO.
    @Alison: I'd like to read those blogs. Who are your favorite super folk?

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