Monday, March 19, 2012

'X'-It's For More Than X-Rays, Xylophones, and Xebecs

April 24th-Brought To You By the Letter 'X'

NOTE:  The following is a tale of the newest member of the X-Men.  My favorite comic book characters growing up were Superman, Spiderman, and Little Lulu.  As I grew older, my childish proclivities (fancy word meaning ‘predisposition.’  You’re welcome.) shifted from “funny books” to the classics.  Like the underwear section of the Sears catalog or anything I found in Dad’s sock drawer.  In that time, though, I never read any X-Men books.  Don’t know why.  I just didn’t.  That being the case, my knowledge of all things “mutant” is limited to what I’ve gleaned from the X-Men movies (I did learn that Halle Berry is smokin’ hot).  So, the below may contain some inaccuracies.  Sure, I could have done research, but screw it, the A-Z Challenge is almost over.
    Sneezing in the sudden presence of light, especially sunlight, is a phenomenon known as sun sneezing or the photic sneeze reflex. Affecting anywhere between 10 to 35 percent of humans, it has prompted the following question:  what in the world is going on?
    There is no solid proof of what triggers this, but some hypothesize that it is caused by a gene affecting the center of the brain responsible for sneezing.  Even though this specific gene has not been identified, it can be inherited.
-Ferris Jabr and Michael Easter
9 Nov 2009    

NOTE:  And you thought I make all this crap up.  Well, okay, I make a lot of this crap up.  But, not this.

X-Men:  The Rise of Mucousa

  Professor Xavier (played by Jean Luc Picard), seeking the release of fresh air, wheeled from the front door of Hogwarts (yes, I know.  This is where Harry Potter goes to school.  I had to put something down).
"Okay, so I may not get as many chicks as Kirk.
But, can he bone his ship's doctor?
Ewww...maybe he can

Yuck. Talk about 'Bones.'"
  He coasted to a stop.  The weather was pleasant, he happily noted.  A soft breeze wafted through trees just beginning to shake off the torpor of winter.  The noonday sun, dazzlingly bright, poked from behind a soft cloud.  Not yet blazing with the heat of summer, its soothing warmth bathed his face.

 Refusing to surrender to blissful reverie, his mind shifted to the reason why he had come outside.

 The new student, Mucousa, while certainly sincere, was not exactly what the X-Men were looking for.

 “Looking for, professor,” Xavier harshly rebuked himself.  One must never end a sentence with a preposition.  It’s not a good habit to be saddled with.


 Oh, sure, he continued, sneezing by command was an impressive feat.  One which most people on Earth were not blessed with.

 Crap, the professor thought, there I go again with the frikkin' prepositions.

 As unique as this power was, he doubted its utility as a crimefighting tool.  Maybe he could give a foe a cold, but what good would that do when the incubation period for upper respiratory infections was measured in days?
"Psst...hey, Superman?
You put down newspaper for those
freaky ass bird people?"
  Bad enough we have the Athlete Footster, he thought, but a photic sneezer?  He decided to give the Justice League a call.  Maybe they could use him.  After all, they had that know-it-all, Aquaman.
  He heard a noise behind him.

  “So, what are you doing out here, Professor?” he heard the voice of Wolverine.

  Xavier turned and saw his burly friend, accompanied by Storm (as noted above, played by Halle Berry.  Hubba hubba).

  “I thought you wanted to get in on the Jenga tournament,” she said.
"I have white hair and no pupils.
But, I bet you weren't looking at my eyes."
  Before he could answer, they each heard, “Sadly, there will be no Jenga tonight.”
  They quickly turned.  Their hearts froze as they saw, descending from behind the branches of the nearest tree, the menacing form of their archenemy, Magneto (played by John Gielgud in the movie.  No, that’s not right.  Malcolm McDowell?  No, that doesn’t sound right, either.  Okay, the guy who played “Gandalf” with all those hobbits).
   “Gandalf!”  Xavier shouted.

  “No, you idiot! It's Magneto. Don't you recognize me from X-Men First Class, you bald, crippled moron?” Magneto barked.  

"Enough about the frikkin' ring already, Frodo.
I've got a new gig now."
  He raised his right hand and, immediately, the metal arms of the professor’s wheelchair folded inward (the professor’s normal chair being in the shop for its yearly inspection, he was given a cheap “loaner”).

  From off to the side came an enraged roar as Wolverine, deploying his fearsome claws, charged the villain.

  “My boy, you never learn,” Magneto said, raising his left arm.  Instantly, the metal coursing through Wolverine’s body was seized in a fierce magnetic grip (that it was magnetic is something I felt I didn’t need to explain.  The guy's name is Magneto, after all.).

   Paralyzed, Wolverine dropped to the ground.

  Turning his attention to Storm, Magneto hissed, “Don’t think I’ve forgotten you.  I’ll get you, my pretty.  And your little dog, too!”  (Oops, sorry.  Wrong movie.).

  Suddenly, the metal rails leading from the door rose, snakelike, from the ground.  Like a snake (yeah, snake. We get it), they quickly wrapped themselves around Storm’s smokin’ hot body.  Her arms pinned to her side, she was unable to use her powers of smokin’ hotness to control the forces of the weather.

  “And, now, my helpless friends,” Magneto thundered, “Degrassi is mine!!” (is that closer than 'Hogwarts'?). He then gave the patented bad guy laugh, most recently used by Dr. Evil.

  Suddenly, “Hey, guys, what’s going on?  I’ve got Jenga all set up.”

  Standing in the doorway was the new recruit, Mucousa.  Not nearly the image of a superhero, he actually looked more like a cross between any one of those guys on The Big Bang Theory and Wally Cox(except Wally Cox is dead, so maybe that’s a bad example).
Easy, girls.
He's single.
 And dead.
So that's where Chaz's tits went!

USELESS PIECE OF CRAP:  Did you know that Wally Cox was the voice of Underdog?  Yeah, how ‘bout that?  

 We continue...

 “Who is this puny, pusillanimous pipsqueak?” the redundant Magneto sneered.
 Seeing a chance, the Professor gasped, “Mucousa.  Sun.  Engage.”

 “I don’t know if we can take a fifth playe...ohhhhh!”  Mucousa protested, just before he took the Professor’s meaning.

 Suddenly assuming a stern look, he gazed sharply at the sun.  His eyes began to water and his face screwed up in what could have been misinterpreted as a “sex face.”

 But, the Professor knew better.  He knew what was coming.

 His eyes shut tightly and nose lifted slightly, Mucousa walked briskly (sorry, I love adverbs) to the contemptuous rogue (I love thesauruses).

 Starting to laugh, Magneto blurted, “What in the-“

 He never finished his sentence.  Mucousa let loose with a thunderous sneeze, drenching the purple-clad scoundrel with a torrent of...uh...mucous (geez, I would have thought that would have been obvious.  Given the name).

 Disgusted, distracted, and discombobulated (as I said.  Thesaurus), Magneto’s concentration was broken for a brief second.

 Long enough for Wolverine to pounce like a wolverine (ohh, I get it now).  With a savage roar, he swung his arm in a mighty arc.  His talons easily ripped through Magneto’s neck, severing the head from the body.
"Yeah, it's all fun and games
until you have an itchy rear end."

 The head thudded to the ground, its dead eyes staring at the robin’s egg blue sky and an “Oh, crap!” expression crossing its lifeless face.

 From behind him, Wolverine heard Storm, “Think that was a little dramatic, Logan?  I was just going to surround him with an electrical field.”

 Wolverine shrugged.  Storm complained.  In her skintight cat-suit.

 But, the Professor smiled.

 Six months later.....

 Wolverine dashed into the Superhero Dormitory (I don’t know what they call it.  Give me a break.  We’re almost done here.).

 He called to the newest X-Man, “Hey, Mucousa!  Suit up!  There’s an evil force eating Chicago.  They’re calling it ‘Oprah!’”

 Leaping to his feet, Mucousa jumped into his orthopedic shoes and snapped on his inhaler belt.

 His face grew dark.

 “Looks like someone’s going to come down with a head cold.”

The End?    


  1. I loved this Al, and as a bonus you got nothing wrong at all! Granted I'm not too big an X-Men fan either but when I was younger, a bit depressingly reading the old Amazing Spider-Man comics from the start to the mid-seventies was a huge hobby of mine and occasionally X-Men would do a cross over or be mentioned.

  2. I didn't like the 3rd Xmen movie very much, but that new First Class movie was pretty good

  3. @Matthew: Spiderman was my favorite. Although, I also liked 'Superman' and 'Batman,' and 'Green Lantern' (not in THAT way, though). I never really liked 'Jimmy Olsen-Superman's Pal.' That just seemed a little too creepy to me. I became a fan of the X-Men after the movies.
    @Adam: Me, too. I thought the third one "jumped the shark." Meaning, they just made it to just make it. I also really liked "First Class." Although, I think I noticed a continuity discrepancy. Remember at the end of 'First Class" (SPOILER ALERT-yeah, as if anyone is reading this comment) that Professor X was paralyzed? Well, at the beginning of the 3rd X-Men, he was walking around with Magneto. Yeah. I'm a nerd like that.

  4. What? No Beast? Geez giving the blue guy the least you used the Canadian, see that is why you don't mess with Canadian's they'll chop your head off with their uber secret claws...haha...yeah the third movie was an awful piece of trash.

  5. Wait what? Did I fall asleep and miss month again?

  6. And the worst part is, Wolvie actually DID kill Magneto like that about seven or eight years ago in the comic series. I think that was the third or fourth time he'd "died." Nowadays Magneto is, of course, once again alive. This is why I no longer read titles from the Big Two, even though the characters were some of my childhood faves. And yes, I realize this has nothing to do with your story. I'm a geek. 'Nuff said.

  7. @Pat: Beast was actually filming a "Frasier Crane Meets the X-Men" movie. Niles doesn't make out all that well.
    @baygirl: Nope-it's still only March. Although I have to admit, it is a little difficult keeping track of things.
    @Beer: No kidding? Well, how 'bout that. Nerd, geek. It's all good.

  8. You are certifiable! lol I see you published two books on kindle while I was on my break. sold any? I hope to get a kindle in the next week or so.

    1. It looks like I sold a couple of the toilet books (that just sounds wrong), but it doesn't matter. I just like doing it. By "it," of course, I mean writing. Come to think of it, I like doing that other "it," too. As long as she lets me.

  9. This is the most true to the comic X-men story I have read in a decade! Thank you for taking your time to get it correct!... Storm has white hair and white eyes? how'd I not see that? where was I looking?

    Great post as always! Very funny! Who knew X was such a fun letter!

    1. I hope THIS year's 'X' is good. I'm going with a biography this year.

  10. Thanks-I did the best I could. It was a chore having to sort through all of the Storm pictures, but it was one I was willing to endure.

  11. Picard is losing his mojo, he doesn't usually shirk from the action and let other guys steal the limelight. I wonder if that soft breeze shook off the toupée of winter.

    1. I always preferred Kirk. Even the new Chris Pine version.

  12. Sorry about the trouble on my blog, the comments on the dynamic views are a bit glitchy. I often see it double post comments many times.

    1. So, it's not just me, then. But, it WAS a very good post and deserved comment.

  13. Great story, Al!! Thanks for dropping by my place today. Really enjoyed your comment!

  14. @Nancy: You're very welcome. I always enjoy visiting the grownups.

  15. This is great. I always loved Wolverine, although my favourite superhero is Batman.

  16. Hey! There's an award waiting for you over at my blog. :-)

  17. @Simon: My favorite superhero is Batman, as well. Not the Adam West Batman, though. He was just silly.
    @Ermie: Thanks very much!

  18. I would have thought you would have come up with a post for "X" like "x rated".
    But X Men is pretty cool. I'm clueless though. I grew up with Batman, Robin, Superman and Starsky and Hutch. Those last two were MY heroes. I love Adam West! He was hot and still is! And what a great sense of humor!

  19. No "X-Men" for 2012. Adam West could really rock that "Bat-Tusi", though.

  20. Hey Al...looks like you're just cruising along in the A to Z department! I think it's cool the way you've added these as teasers to what's coming...and what's coming better be mighty fine mister...or it's going to be right into the "monkey water bath" with a serious helping of "bath salts" added in for good measure!

    Tick, tick, tick...the countdown has started! (if it makes you feel any better, I'm going to rerun all last year's A-Z stuff this year and pretend it's new!!! (see, I've already been in the "monkey water bath" and now all I gotta do is find me some "bath salts")... I'm sure Ruth will know where I can get some! Right??

    Jenny @ Pearson Report
    Co-Host of the Blogging from A to Z Challenge.

  21. Only my second visit here, and this is already turning out to be one of my favourite spots on the WWW. (And I've seen some awesome shit on the WWW, mind you.)
    Really wish they had caLled it something less obvious than sun sneezing. That doesn't even sound like a real thing. My little niece could have named it that.

  22. That's such a horrible way to die. Magneto deserved a better end than that. :(

  23. Mucousa is the best X-Men character ever! Great story and I also was a big Underdog fan! Wally Cox was an amazing Shoeshine Boy! Julie

  24. Lol.

    And you just answered one of the biggest mysteries of my life. I'm the palest person ever because I can't stand to be in direct sunlight. The sneezing just gets out of hand...

  25. @Jenny: Hmmm...monkey water bath... Should I wear my shorts?
    @icyhighs: I think I may just Google "awesome shit." I suffer (?) from "photic sneezing" as well (although I swear I didn't know there was an actual name for it). I can even look at a light bulb and sneeze (although not one of those dumbass squiggly bulbs).
    @DWei: But, if comics have taught us anything, it's that villains can come back. And women have big boobs and wear skin-tight costumes.
    @Julie: "Neither rain nor bird or even frog...." But, I guess you know the rest.
    @Mich: It's better than snuff (the inhaling kind. Not the chewing tobacco kind. Or the internet death videos kind).