Friday, March 23, 2012

April 21st-Brought To You By the Letter 'U'

The Underwear Wars

"Let's follow that guy who looks like Christian Bale. He might know where we could find our pants.
Seriously, though, who invited Gary Coleman? And isn't he dead?"

   Come, listen, my children, from everywhere
to the epic battles of underwear.
  Commenced first over briefs, called tighty-whiteys,that were liked by men, both the weak and the mighty.

  But, soon, a young woman began to fret;
she wondered why she wasn’t pregnant yet.
  For, you see, the problem lay in the fit
of briefs which pulled the sack near where he’d sit.

  Thus cooked, the sperm all had no place to hide.
Victims of body temperature, boiled and died.
  No happy eggs and no mother-to-be
Just a man and his wife and their color TV
(NOTE: Hey, it rhymed.  Sue me.)

  A doctor’s care being her last resort,
she bought him some boxers, just like gym shorts.
  She told him their loose, casual fit
will keep his “boys” far from where he sits.

  With them cooled, his swimmers will be able
to find a place at the “Mommy Table.”
  But, he whined and he moaned, “I hate that big hole.
  It’s a big inconvenient ‘Whack-A-Mole’.”

  So, to shut up her husband and give her relief,
she then thought to buy him some boxer briefs.
  Not quite as snug as the white linen sacks
they gave him the comfort that boxers lacked.

  Excited over this underwear kind
The wife hustled home, but only to find.
  Her man, at the doorway, happily bare
He grinned.  No shirt, no pants, no underwear.

  “Honey,” he said, “I’ve got a great plan
that I’m happy to say you’ll understand.
  “For, just like Kramer or Marlon Brando,
No undies for me.  I’m going commando.”

Epilogue:  In a coma, the wife is not expected to live.  Her living will stipulates that her eggs be harvested for the local in-vitro fertilization clinic.

(NOTE:  Okay, so I’m no Shakespeare.  But, I couldn’t think of anything else that rhymed with ‘commando’)


  1. Stylistically, this reminds of Kipling's Gunga Din. And I'm sure Kipling would have agreed about keep the nutsack well-aired although he was too much of a coward to make a public statement.

  2. No happy eggs and no mother-to-be
    Just a man and his wife and their color TV

    If you wanted to, you could claim this is all sorts of 21st century consumerism-baiting satire. I loved it all.

    Thoroughly enjoyed this post, you really have something ace going on in the writing department.

  3. That Gary Coleman thing made me laugh so much, even though I was found of the wee guy. The boy in front looks like a cross between Ashton Kutcher and Bale so I guess I understand why he led the pack. I liked your rhymes too Al. Maybe you could give Pat Hatt a run for his money!

  4. I don't really want to admit how amazing that was. But I will, because it was. I would have enjoyed Shakespeare in school if he wrote about underwear wars.

  5. LOL oh this was great. The cat enjoyed it all the way through. Underwear wars seem to be wrestled with all about, so just do away with them and go commando indeed. But then the coma wards would fill up, so maybe not. Only other one I can think of for commando is orlando, at the moment.

  6. Nobody's more commando than Marlon Brando.

  7. i just yesterday wrote an anti-poetry post, but you must know that you fit into my exception clause because you did rhyming and humor in your underwear post. plus, any picture of a group of men strutting down the road in their tightie whities is sure to get a giggle from me.
    i was the woman in your story here. we had fertility issues and i bought the husband boxers, which he rejected. then he was wooed by the boxer briefs. now i'm hearing that fugees song "killing me softly" in my head.

  8. @Gorilla: That's a great compliment-thanks. Especially since none of those guys in the picture were Indian.
    @icyhighs: You've given me an idea..... Maybe when the A-Z Challenge is over....?
    @Matthew: And who DOESN'T like a Gary Coleman joke? I couldn't hold a candle to Pat Hatt. He does great rhyming everyday while I struggle to even give him a rhyme when I comment on his posts!
    @Mark: Shakespeare? "Alas, poor Yorick. I knew him well. Plus, that effin' guy owed me money." Hmm...maybe not.
    @Pat: As I told Matthew, you are the master rhymer. Well, I didn't say that EXACTLY. But, it's what I meant. Commando-zipper: not a good combination.
    @Adam: Or dead. Well, that's not exactly true. Take Al Gore. Oh, wait, he just seems dead. Well, then, Lincoln. He's definitely dead.
    @Sherilin: I'm gonna have to just go read it just as soon as I comment here. I HATED boxers. Little Al kept wanting to escape and I always had to shift uncomfortably to put him back where he belongs. And that's mighty tough in church.

  9. And the good thing is that the strait-jacket lets me use my toes.

  10. Do you think Shakespeare ever went commando? And yes, Gary Coleman is dead, even moreso now.

    Happy weekend, Al.

  11. I don't know if he ever went commando, although I'm sure he did. After all, all those dudes wore tights. And cod-pieces. Although, why shoving a fish down the front of your drawers is considered sexy is beyond me.

  12. Wear those small, tight, white underwear, men! I don't want children. I value my sanity too damn much.

  13. At this point in my life, I most wholeheartedly concur. I've got a great son and a beautiful daughter (neither one of whom look like me). Done. Game over.
    Bring on the grandkids in a few years.
    If they get too mental, off they go to their parents. :-)

  14. Is there nothing that is not made better through the use of poetry?


  15. I don't think so...
    Truly I shall never see
    a thing as lovely as TV.
    With sitcoms, reality, animal shows
    Oprah, Judge Judy
    Why...anything goes!
    But, sometimes I wonder if TMZ
    is filling that space where my brain used to be.

  16. Replies
    1. Thanks! That's the beauty of the A-Z Challenge. Inspiration comes from the craziest of places.

  17. In keeping with the theme, I'll be brief.
    You are quite the poet, and I know-you know it!
    LOVED this!!! See you Sunday! Julie

  18. Hahahahaha!

    This made me laugh! If Shakespeare wrote about underwear, maybe I'd of understood him!

    1. Boxers or not to wear boxers? That is the question.

  19. I'm thinking about writing another underwear-themed poem for "U" this year. 'U' is the only letter I haven't written about yet.

    1. You can never run out of things to say about underwear! I haven't even gotten through the first week in April yet!

    2. It's not completely written yet, but I started today at work (yes, at work). It's going to be a poem of my evolution through underwear starting with diapers. Underoos will get a mention. Since it's 'U', I figure I have a few weeks to finish it.