Sunday, January 1, 2012

This is the Year That Was

    I'm back.  
  
  After enjoying the final week of the year that was (notice how clever I am for injecting the title of this post into this sentence?  Yep, didn't waste any money on those creative writing correspondence courses) I thought I'd reflect back on the year that was (BONUS: I did it again) before we segue (I knew that thesaurus would come in handy) into 2012, the last year of the world.

   Sidebar, Your Honor?  By the way, I'm going to say "Twenty Twelve" and not "Two Thousand and Twelve."  Frankly, it's time to give the use of "Two Thousand and" when prefacing the year a rest.  From now on, it will be "Twenty XX" until the day I die.  Unless I make it to the 22nd Century.  In that case, I'll say "Twenty One XX."  But, there's probably not much of a chance of that.  Unless I get bitten by a vampire.

  Sidebar Within a Sidebar, Your Honor?  Not for nothin', if I'm going to be bitten by a vampire, I'd prefer to be bitten in my 20s instead of now.  I'd hate to go through eternity as a balding, middle-aged man who needs Pepsi to burp.  Could be worse, though.  I could be bitten before I had pubes.

  Okay, where was I? Oh, yeah, the year that was (BONUS BONUS:  I did it yet again).  As anyone with a television, radio, newspaper, or loudmouth neighbor knows, 2011 was quite a year.  A lot of good happened and a lot of very bad happened.

  No doubt, you'll be pummeled with the lists of the good and the bad for the year that was (if you haven't noticed so far, you never will).  I prefer to give you a list of the ugly.
  Or, the goofy.....


"Aren't you glad there's no football on?"



January-State of the Union Address on all major networks.  Most people watch Cupcake Wars on the Food Network.









"Have you even seen the new show?
It really sucks balls."

February-After Charlie Sheen loses his mind, CBS cancels the four remaining episodes of Two and a Half Men.  Asks Demi Moore if Ashton can come out to play.






"Coulda had Scarlett Johansson,
but, nooooooo, hadda have Jodie Foster."  




March-Mel Gibson stars with Jodie Foster in The Beaver.  After initial box-office rush from people who thought it was a porno film, attendance falls flat.





"Pssst, Dad.  Sure, she's no Diana.
But, she ain't no Camilla, either.
If you know what I mean."



April-Prince William and Kate Middleston wed.  Decides against honeymoon in Swiss Alps when the "Prince-Albert-In-A-Can" bridal suite opens up at the Pocono Palace.  Wills is a sucker for heart-shaped tubs.









"Oh, crap! I blew off this
month's mortgage payment!"
May-End of world.  Norman “Dances With Jaguars” Xcpotlyzkq, from the Mayan Anti-Defamation League, issues the following to the Reverend Harold Camping, “Up yours.  See you next year.”






One man's shameful embarrassment
is another man's comedy GOLD



June-Anthony Weiner resigns from Congress.  Forced to take the “Little Congressman” with him.








Meh
July-Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony announce they will divorce.  Millions don’t care.







"If she asks real, real nice,
she can borrow the dress."
August-After Alex Rodriguez, the Phillie Phanatic, and a good basketball player become unavailable, Kim Kardashian weds the New Jersey Nets’ Eric Humphries.


"Hey, it's more than what Chaz has.
I'm just sayin'"


September-Nancy Grace suffers alleged wardrobe malfunction while performing on Dancing With the Stars.  Her “nip slip” causes many male viewers to embrace homosexuality.






Kim also didn't
appreciate being shoved 

in Kris' armpit



October-After only 72 days of marriage, Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries split, citing irreconcilable differences, low ratings, and the NBA lockout.










Featured in this month's Playboy.
Her mouth may be closed.  I think.


Qaddafi, Osama, Dear Leader.
Kind of a Scumbag Trifecta.
November-Promising to be “really, really, really” good, Lindsay Lohan spends less than five hours in jail.  So she can make last call.



 












December
-Kim Jong Il dies.  Makers of troll dolls in mourning.




HAPPY NEW YEAR, EVERYBODY!

41 comments:

  1. "Kind of a Scumbag Trifecta" I like that. My daughter and I were just talking about these guys. Bad year for dictators whasn't it.? Lindsay Lohan in Playboy? Whoa they are scraping the bottom of the barrel. I'd rather see Chaz naked, at least it would be something nobody else has ever seen before. And thanks for reminding me of Charlie Sheen. I'd just recently stopped having those nightmares. Hope twenty-twelve is better, than 2011.

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  2. Happy new year to you too. It was nice to have a bit of break and have someone focus on all the weird shit that happened. I think the norm is "X thousand XX" until we reach the '10s, then it be comes twenty or thirty or what not. Like how everyone says ten sixty six and not one thousand sixty six for the battle of hastings.

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  3. hahaha yeah that nip slip would make many go the other way. Lindsay Lohan, really? Does she appeal to anyone any more? If she ever did, Oh I forgot Herbie, he liked her.

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  4. This is an excellent review actually Al, 2011 definitely was an interesting year to say the very least buddy and I agree about J-Lo so much, I mean who cares about J-Lo nowadays? Here's hoping 2012 is a great year for you and your family man.

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  5. @Anne: Still waiting for Ahmadinejad. Yep, Lindsay is posing in Playboy the same way that Marilyn Monroe did. An airbrush is a wonderful thing, I suppose.
    @Mark: I actually think the Normans beheaded anyone who said "One Thousand and Sixty-Six."
    @Pat: Ugly people don't necessarily have to be physically repulsive. But, Nancy pulls it off. Eh, what did Herbie know? He was a Volkswagon.
    @Yeamie: I just saw a commercial with J-Lo driving one of those mini-cars around a sketchy neighborhood. Nope, don't see it happening.

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  6. Thanks for that recap! I tend to forget some of these things. Or maybe I INTENTIONALLY push them out of my mind. In THAT case, thanks for nothing! Ha ha!

    Love your sense of humor! Glad I found your blog!

    Happy New Year!

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  7. So, you say Two and a Half Men sucks now? And how is that different from before?

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  8. @Pat: Yeah, I'd forget that Weiner guy, too.
    @Ruth: Oh, yeah, good point.

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  9. Did you say in your response to comments that Lindsay was airing her bush? Or did I misread that?

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  10. I thought I misspelled 'airbrush." That would have been pretty funny, huh? From what I understand, the Playboy issue with her in it costs almost $10.00. No way I'm paying that. Buttttt, my prurient curiosity caused me to look them up on the 'net. Let's put it this way....
    Not worth almost $10.00.

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  11. And don't forget, Bin Laden took the big sand-nap. Happy New Year!

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  12. Haha. Fantastic recap! Happy New Year.

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  13. Although great minds think alike, I do believe I was first!

    However, your post was more enjoyable!

    P.S. I was in bed by 10.30 pm.

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  14. Oh dear, most of the things on this list were thinks that I was hoping to forget... thanks a lot, Al.

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  15. I'm kinda missing Weiner and his little congressman. They were so entertaining! I must have been in a coma, because I missed a lot of this crap. Guess that's the good part of ignoring the TV and Internet News. I will toast to the demise of the Scumbag Trifecta. I'm picturing them all in hell, playing cards together with Satan.

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  16. Me Gibson looks like Osama in that picture lol :)

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  17. I think you need to work for The Soup.

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  18. @Beer: And I never had a chance to say "FU."
    @Jewels: And I didn't even mention Barney Frank. Oops. Just did.
    @Symdaddy: I had to stay awake so I could make fun of Lady Gaga. It really is like shooting fish in a barrel. A real goofy fish.
    @Sub-Radar: That which you don't forget only enhances the "Skeeviness" Facor.
    @Nancy: The good thing is that Satan probably cheats.
    @BragonDorn: Except he doesn't have a bullet in his head.
    @dbs: Thanks-that's a great compliment. I also like to eat soup.

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  19. I'm late to the party but still wanted to say a brilliant post and thanks for the laugh

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  20. I have re-followed you!

    Yes, re!!!

    I began following you a short while back but it seems to have been short lived. Dunno why it 'vanished', but I'm back.

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  21. I'm glad I missed September's fiasco. And we call her Grace. Actually we call her, and the twins she flaunted, so many other things.
    This was hilarious, Al.
    Happy New Year!
    xoRobyn

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  22. You need Pepsi to burp? I'd get that checked. I'd hate to know what you need to flatulate...

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  23. I had pushed the nightmare that was Nancy Grace's grotesque boob out of my mind, buried under a river of tears and alcohol. So thank you for reviving that nightmare.

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  24. @Mynx: Kinda makes you glad it's 2012, huh?
    @Symdaddy: Maybe it was Blogger's way of saying, "This Penwasser guy is a real hack!"
    @Robyn: It was worse than Janet Jackson. Maybe. I don't know. Let's call it a draw.
    @Leanne: According to Mrs. Penwasser, anything.
    @Pickleope: It's what I do.

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  25. Hahahah, that was a great overview. I think most of us are going by twentytwelve, right? It sounds SO much better than two thousand and twelve.

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  26. Meh indeed.

    Next year we have Demi & Ashton's divorce to look forward to. Yawn.

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  27. Looks like I'm all caught up on the irrelevant news.

    Happy New Year, Al.

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  28. @Gia: And 2020 will sound like an eye test. Hope I live long enough to use that joke.
    @Mary A: And I'll be here to poke fun at it. I mean, feel badly for them.
    @AC: Probably not ALL caught up. Read Mary's comment above.

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  29. I wish I could still make millions from a job after I was fired. Charlie Sheen is still collecting residuals from reruns. Poor slob.

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  30. Hysterically funny post, Al. Thanks for the laughs!

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  31. Here it is, TWENTY- TWELVE, and I am still wondering why I should give a flying fart about the Kardashians.
    happy New Year, Penwasser!

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  32. greaaat blogg ,interesting post =)hope you had really good begginig of the year =)

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  33. Oh, so many jokes here. My favourite? - the makers of troll dolls mourning Kim Jong Il. Too funny!

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  34. @Jen: I guess he would call that...WINNING. I suppose we picked the wrong professions.
    @Lyn: Real life usually always provides the best laughs. Well, that and dogs who say, "I love you."
    @Dawn: TWENTY TWELVE! Outstanding! Wonder no more. You shouldn't. Happy New Year!
    @Damon: Thanks! I did!
    @Kara: I'm so glad someone else saw the resemblance.

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  35. Love that Prince William comment! That was hysterical!

    God I hate Kardashians! All three plus mom and dad. Jenner looks like shit. Face lift did him no good.

    Lohan's train is still crashing. It's all in slow motion. Painful to watch because it's so f**king boring!

    And Charlie is still "winning". He's got a plan.

    You should see the Obama calendar my son got for Christmas.

    Happy New Year Al!

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  36. Welcome back! Excellent year in review!

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  37. Such an underwhelming year! Enjoyed your wrap up! :)

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  38. You really need to install a laugh track, because I miss so much the first time around when you're firing one zinger after another. I'm sure your wife says the same thing. The Nancy Grace line was priceless! Julie

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  39. AL!
    Loeurved this!!! Kim Jong Il is the cutest deadest dictator EVER!!!
    Thanks for the Beaver reference... WTF?
    Happy New Yarr to you and the Mrs.

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  40. I could see Charlie Sheen saying "it sucks balls" LMAO. As crazy as Charlies Sheen is, the show does suck balls without him. Ashton doesn't fit the role. He needs to shave and cut his hair. He looks like the cave man from the Geico commercials with his hair and beard like that.

    I think you summed up 2011.

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  41. @Violet: Yeah, Kim Jong was real cute and cuddly for a mass murderer, huh?
    @Mrs. E.: After I got my curiousity out of the way, I couldn't watch Two and a Half Men anymore. All I see is Kelso in That 70s Show. I'll watch Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives, instead.

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