Tuesday, January 10, 2012

The End is Near. Or Not.

Okay, this is Aztec. But, seriously,
you wouldn't have known if I hadn't told you, would you?

    “Hey, Mr. Penwasser, do you believe in 2012?”
    “Sure, I do.”
    “Hey, everybody, Mr. Penwasser believes in 2012!  I told you it was for real!”
    “I also believe in 2013 and 2014.”
    “Oh, man, that’s just wrong.”

    So went a conversation I had with one of the lads with whom I spend seven hours a day, five days a week, and 184 days a year (including federal holidays or feigned illness to catch a Phillies game).

    Hey, it’s not like I don’t believe in the prognosticative (NOTE:  A real word.  Yeah, I was surprised, too) abilities of a civilization which has been dead for over 1,100 years (or roughly as old as Mick Jagger).
    Especially since the Mayan “Long Count Calendar” is as precise as it is.  I mean, how can you argue with a system where 20 days makes a uinal, 18 uinals make a tun, 20 tuns make a k’atun, 20 k’atuns (approx 394 years.  Give or take) make a b’ak’tun, and six of a kind make Yahtzee?
    In other words, you can stick your Gregorian calendars, Magic 8 Balls, and Rock, Scissors, Paper where the K’in (Mayan for ‘sun.’ Or monkey) don’t shine.
    Still, I have to wonder if we’re maybe not over-stating things a tad.  What if, instead of their calendar ending precisely on December 21, 2012 (thus implying end times), some Mayan dudes just ran out of rock?  And the nearest Meso-American Staples was way the frig over in Mexico?
    Considering all the room for mistranslation (it’s not like there’s a Mayan For Dummies at Barnes and Nobles) we could, in fact, be blowing things out of proportion.
    After all, they also predicted:

* Kardashian marriage lasts 73 days.
* Mel Gibson appointed Ambassador to Israel.
* America-The Beautiful changed to America-She Really Has a Nice Personality.
* Merchants scramble to unload millions of “The Second World War-This Time It’s For Keeps!” tee shirts after it turns out World War One really was the war to end all wars.
* Octo-Mom’s uterus falls out.
* Kirstie Alley stays hot.
This is what I mean.
This?  Not so much.
* Al Gore invents Internet.
* Diana to Charles:  “You’re a nice guy and all, but I have to wash my hair.”
* Shemp more popular than Curly.
* French hate Jerry Lewis.
* Galileo arrested for pointing telescope at Uranus.
* Earth ruled by damn, dirty apes.
* Preferring to let “bygones be bygones,” Arabs forget that whole Crusades thing.
* Losers on American Idol have their hearts ripped out.
"You know, it does taste like chicken."
* Michael Moore eats World’s Biggest Loser.
* Christianity winds up being little more than a fad.
* Aztecs kick the crap out of the Spanish.

"Dios mio!
What'd I do to piss off
this big frikkin' chicken!?"
* Incas kick the crap out of the Spanish.
* Mayans kick the crap out of the Spanish.
* Navajos kick the crap out of the Spanish.
* Spanish kick the crap out of the Americans.
* Y2K results in global Armageddon.
* The world ends in May, 2011.
* 11/11/11 causes worldwide panic.
* 10/10/10 issues strongly worded letter to Secretary General of the United Nations Oprah over not being included in Doomsday Pool.
* 9/9/09 disqualified for having an extra ‘0.’
* Stumped with how to combat the Black Death, European leaders ask, “Hey, whaddya say we ask the Jews?”
I die.  John Kusack lives.
Who's laughing now, funny man?
* Asteroid strikes the Atlantic Ocean.  Kills Tea Leoni.
* Humans travel to Jupiter in 2001.
* Errr, we meant humans travel to Jupiter in 2010.
* Aw, screw it.  Never mind.
* Mayan Synchronized Torture Team wins gold medal at Munich Olympics.
* In 1948, Jewish people granted 500 acre homeland in Vermont. 
* Mc Chichén Itzá overtakes Burger King and Wendys as world’s largest supplier of Quarter-Pound McMonkey With Cheese.
* Atomic bomb attack on Japan stopped when someone leaves the keys to the Enola Gay in their other pants.
* Penwasser Place wins Blog of Note.
* Buddy Holly: “No, you go ahead.  I’ll take the bus.”
* Contract for Pisa Urban Planning Commission awarded to Salvatore “Cross Eyes” Maravelli.
* Kinoki Foot Pads really work.
* Disney Tehran.
* Mildly Disturbed Horse never taken seriously by the Sioux.
* Devil comes down to Georgia, looking for a soul to steal.
Hey, I had this picture on file.
Now that I say that, I'm a little disturbed.
* Chaz Bono implicated in sex scandal with Bradley Cooper. 
* Crusaders attack Constantinople when someone loses the map to the Holy Land (oh, wait, they got that one right).
* Gigli wins Oscar for Best Picture.  Runner-up:  Anything with Adam Sandler.
* Y1K results in worldwide shortage of corn cobs, Huns, and mud.
* Amelia Earhart remembers to gas up.
"I'm tellin' ya. Three parrots
and I'm a real bitch to live with."
* Geologists attribute San Francisco Earthquake to too many parrots eaten by Jaguar god.
* Jack the Ripper kills by lighting farts.
* Shrunken heads become the new pearls (NOTE: I realize the Mayans didn’t shrink heads.  But, do you really think I’m going for historical accuracy here, anyway?)
* Indianapolis Colts win Super Bowl XLVI.
* President Bob Dole creates Cabinet-level Department of Naptime and Dietary Fiber.
* Party Rock Anthem replaces Star-Spangled Banner.
* Angry Birds becomes part of the SAT.
I'm sorry.
Comedy or no, it did suck.
* The War of 1812 lasts only one year.
* Hitler opens day care in Sudetenland.
* Caddyshack II didn’t suck. 
* Donner family goes through Mexico.
* Larry Flynt awarded Pulitzer Prize for “Most Creative Use of Urination in a House of Worship.”
* Abraham Lincoln: “Naw, I’ll wait ‘til the movie comes out.”
* People forget the Alamo, USS Maine, Pearl Harbor.  Remember career of Milli Vanilli.
* Columbus asks for directions.
"I'm dead. You're dead.
What say I eat your brains?
I could go for a little Chinese."
* Richard Nixon becomes a zombie.  No one notices.
* Chinese handcuffs defeat Saddam Hussein.
* Rhett Butler gave a damn.
* Secretary of State Snooki crafts Palestine-Israeli peace platform stressing toleration, respect, and partying.

  Even so, I’m banking on the Mayans being right.
  Because, if they’re not, I’m only going to have three days to buy Christmas presents.


  1. It better not end on the 21st because it would really suck to get that close to my next birthday and not get presents

  2. Holy Christ, you're freaking me out Al. There's so much here and I'm sober. I don't think they ran out of rocks, I think they just died and couldn't make anymore calenders. Everybody beat the Spanish but the Americans, very clever how you brought that one around full circle. And Buddy Holly, I couldn't believe you said that. And finally that pic of Nixon with that caption underneath it "I could go for a little Chinese" I'm laughing Al, I'm laughing.

  3. I think they figured by the time it got around to 2012 there'd be someone else to continue the calendar for them. Maybe they JUST GOT TIRED? Possible.

    The rest of that was great, by the way.

  4. Just buy on credit. That's my plan.

  5. I think you're right on all of this Al, I really do. It's pretty shocking somebody you've known for a long time believes in this 2012 stuff, I thought those fears were just reserved for young, fickle fools such as myself (except for I don't think the world will end so yeah!) but anyway excellent stuff as usual man.

  6. six b’ak’tun make one what ever it is (2500 year period) so all this will come up again in 4512!

    (also heard the count was wrong and there calender ended in may 1998!)

  7. Yep a load of crap. I could easily predict a thousand random things in the next thousand years and some foolish humans would find some way to see what they want to see and make them come true.

    You really have it out for Caddyshack 2 too..hahaha..deserving though. Milli Vanilli, I don't want to remember. Jack the Ripper didn't fart to get kills, hmmm maybe he couldn't undo his zipper?

    They were so wrong because the aliens left and wouldn't help them anymore, predicting grass will grow just didn't cut it...haha

  8. It's probably something somebody in NJ concocted decades ago and make up the story. And everybody is buying into it. Ha!

  9. In all fairness, have you seen Kirstie Alley lately? She does look kinda hot again....she was on the Ellen show last week and she's really slimmed down.

  10. I spent the weekend in Toronto, and as I was leaving to go home, I saw a billboard advertising a display of Mayan artefacts (INCLUDING THE MAYAN CALENDAR!!!) at the Royal Ontario Museum! I was right there, and I missed it! *shakes head* And with it being 2012 and all, it's not like I'm going to get another chance...

  11. sooo maaannny woooorrrdds! hard to focus first thing in the morning when my eyes are still doing their soft focus thing.
    but i did see kirstie alley. if she was thin & normal, we wouldn't have her delightful tv show to watch and cringe over! for the record, how did she manage to raise such normal, mature kids?

  12. What if we're reading the damn thing upside down? And the world actually is ending in 5105?

  13. ROFLMAO!!! OMG, you must be a hoot at the dinner table!

    I hope it doesn't end 12/21/12. I'm starting a new job and I'd like to get at least some use out of medical benies.

    I like DWei's remark. Really, what if? LMAO!!

  14. They were almost right on the Kirstie Alley prediction. Believe me, she's close to buxom from a certain angle.

  15. That picture of Chaz looks like Sonny dyed his hair and had way too much pie. If Sonny hadn't hit that tree, that is.

  16. There will be no doom, but a lot of fools freaking out. It will be like the rapture idiots from last year x1000.

  17. I had something to say but got distracted by the chick in the black backless.

  18. TO ALL: Inspired by Eva, I checked out how Kirstie Alley looked when she appeared on 'Ellen.' Actually, for a 60 year old woman, she didn't look too bad. Of course, she wasn't as hot as she was in 1982. But, then again, I'm not as hot as I was in 1982, either. So, it's all good (especially since I was NEVER hot). Oh, also....? FIVE of a kind make Yahtzee, not six. Comedy is so much better when it's accurate.

  19. @Mynx: You and Jesus have the same birthdays? Must've been real awkward at parties.
    @Anne: Buddy Holly? Too soon? Nixon always makes me laugh. I think it's because he was called 'Tricky Dick.'
    @Bea: You're probably right. All that human sacrificing would tucker a dude out.
    @Gia: Great idea!
    @Yeamie: I hope the world doesn't end. But, a sure sign of the apocalypse is when a woman gives birth to eight children at once because....uh, oh.
    @Bersecules: So THAT explains New Coke, Arena Football, and Regis Philbin.
    @Pat: I would love to leave a stone-engraved list of predictions or a picture of me in a leisure suit. Just to F with archeologists in 1,000 years or so.
    @Barb: It's that Snooki thing, I tell ya.
    @Eva: As you can see above, I did check. You were right.
    @Kara: Was the Mayan Calendar delivered by a heating oil supplier, like mine?
    @Sherilin: Sorry about the length (ooh, that sounds dirty), but history quite often isn't pretty (just look at Eleanor Roosevelt).
    @Dwei: Oh, that's funny! I'll set my alarm clock for 5105. Wonder if John Kusack will still be alive?
    @ryoko: As long as you get 90 days, you should be okay, right? If the world starts to end before then, just distract Human Resources for a few weeks by saying it's just the neighbors "having a fight." At the dinner table, I try to go for milk through the nose. It is a dream I have.
    @Gorilla: If, by "buxom," you mean "Well, okay, I'd do her," you've got a deal.
    @Ruth: Isn't it funny, though, how you never see Chaz and Sonny together in the same room? Of course, he's dead, which may explain things. Too bad Cher had to change the song to "I've Got Me, Babe," though.
    @Adams: No kidding, the Normans freaked out so much they took England and never gave it back.
    @CW: I started by joking about Tea. I ended up by copying that picture to my desktop. I hope Scarlett doesn't get jealous.

  20. The problem is that they actually didn't predict it. It's just a new cycle in their measurement.
    Yup. Still a geek.
    We are going to have so much fun this year, Al.

    There I was, thinking "they ran out of rock" was my original line. Sigh. Great minds think alike. Sigh. There go my royalties.

  21. No, no, it's nice to share. At the very least, what'd the Mayans know? They weren't even "with it" enough to outlast the Aztecs. Who weren't even "with it" enough to outlast the Spanish. Well, you get my drift.

  22. They ran out of rock. Love it! Too funny. But it's still possible, Al...You could and rightly SHOULD win Blog of Note.

    PS Did you know Kirstie Alley's going on 61? I think she looks pretty good for her age, even though she doesn't look pretty good.


  23. Great post Al but who's the chick in the black dress? And I thought it was Cusack.

  24. If the end is really near, I'd love to hear your rendition of "My Way!" " Angry Birds becoming part of the SAT" is my favorite! Julie

  25. @Robyn: After Eva inspired me to look, I found out that Kirstie really doesn't look all that bad. Even for 61, I'd...well, look at my response to Gorilla Bananas.
    @anthony: That's Tea Leoni. Hubba hubba. Too bad that tidal wave in "Deep Impact" laid her out as flat as Chaz.
    @EmptyNest: My way involves sitting on a streetside toilet. It's how I roll.

  26. @anthony: and it IS Cusack. I'd like to say it was a typo, but I just dorked up the spelling. Must be all those apocalyptic jitters.

  27. Question
    Blogger introduced an unanounced new commenting thread feature, but mine has a pencil next to my name.
    Yours too?

  28. I haven't seen it, but I'll look. If I have it, it's probably as obvious as the remarkably huge beezer in the center of my face.

  29. I see a pencil (better than seeing dead people, I suppose) at the bottom of my post. But, when I click on it, it takes me to a "editable" version of said post. Is that what you mean?

    1. lol. That's called quick edit.
      We both have the embedded version of commenting, my pencil *grins* was next to my name (in a little circle) on every single comment of mine. Irritating, the only way I could figure out how to remove it is to change the commenting feature.

  30. Great and funny post!
    I'm getting so tired of the end of the world, here, the rapture there, the Hale Bop comet out there... Let's just get it over with!

  31. I don't want to live in a world where Chaz Bono has a penis. Please, please tell me we can at least discover the cure for cancer before we surgically give him/her a penis. Medically, it's just not right.

  32. @Pat: That would be great. Except I just paid off my truck. On the other hand, I still have a mortgage.....
    @Beer: I'm not positive whether he/she/it has a joy stick. I suppose I could always look it up. But, there's NO WAY I'm going to Google "Chaz Bono Penis." I think the government is watching.

  33. Al - one of my ancestors helped with that Mayan calendar, and yup, looks like it's toast for us kids - maybe there will be an after life with a little jam for our toast...but I'm pretty sure, as the hand me down saying goes, that our number's up. No luck in the life lottery after 12/12/12...but you have to admit the numbers do look good together, don't they?

    I mean really, if we have to fry and burn in Hell, what better number sequence to do it on, eh? Really, I say "bring it", I've got nothing else scheduled, so far, for that date! A good frying and burning in Hell could go over big...I'll bring the buns, if you'll bring the weenies...(damn, I'm cracking myself up over here, per your last comment over at my place...touché!)

    Smiles, Hugs, and Fried Bedbugs are coming your way!
    Jenny @ PEARSON REPORT (aka a favourite of yours!)

    1. Hell won't be so bad, I guess. I'll get to see my dad. And make fun of Hitler.

  34. Clever, very clever. AND funny.

    But one correction....Kirstie Alley is thin again. She DID lose 100 lbs! Don't you watch Dancing with the Stars? C'mon!

    1. I've written a retraction which will post tomorrow (I mention you!). The more I thought about the more I thought I was being petty and mean. Thanks for nudging my conscience!

  35. That was some elaborate comedy :) Thanks!

    1. Dead civilizations are always good targets, I guess.

    2. Maybe there is a Mayan for Dummies. It's unbelievable but they have one for everything.

      I've been trying to get here. (to your blog). I get here and the phone rings or the dog has to go out or I touch the wrong button and zip off some place else. The laughs were worth waiting for. :)
      Enjoy your weekend.