|Okay, this is Aztec. But, seriously, |
you wouldn't have known if I hadn't told you, would you?
“Hey, Mr. Penwasser, do you believe in 2012?”
“Sure, I do.”
“Hey, everybody, Mr. Penwasser believes in 2012! I told you it was for real!”
“I also believe in 2013 and 2014.”
“Oh, man, that’s just wrong.”
So went a conversation I had with one of the lads with whom I spend seven hours a day, five days a week, and 184 days a year (including federal holidays or feigned illness to catch a Phillies game).
Hey, it’s not like I don’t believe in the prognosticative (NOTE: A real word. Yeah, I was surprised, too) abilities of a civilization which has been dead for over 1,100 years (or roughly as old as Mick Jagger).
Especially since the Mayan “Long Count Calendar” is as precise as it is. I mean, how can you argue with a system where 20 days makes a uinal, 18 uinals make a tun, 20 tuns make a k’atun, 20 k’atuns (approx 394 years. Give or take) make a b’ak’tun, and six of a kind make Yahtzee?
In other words, you can stick your Gregorian calendars, Magic 8 Balls, and Rock, Scissors, Paper where the K’in (Mayan for ‘sun.’ Or monkey) don’t shine.
Still, I have to wonder if we’re maybe not over-stating things a tad. What if, instead of their calendar ending precisely on December 21, 2012 (thus implying end times), some Mayan dudes just ran out of rock? And the nearest Meso-American Staples was way the frig over in Mexico?
Considering all the room for mistranslation (it’s not like there’s a Mayan For Dummies at Barnes and Nobles) we could, in fact, be blowing things out of proportion.
After all, they also predicted:
* Kardashian marriage lasts 73 days.
* Mel Gibson appointed Ambassador to Israel.
* America-The Beautiful changed to America-She Really Has a Nice Personality.
* Merchants scramble to unload millions of “The Second World War-This Time It’s For Keeps!” tee shirts after it turns out World War One really was the war to end all wars.
* Octo-Mom’s uterus falls out.
* Diana to Charles: “You’re a nice guy and all, but I have to wash my hair.”
* Shemp more popular than Curly.
* French hate Jerry Lewis.
* Galileo arrested for pointing telescope at Uranus.
* Earth ruled by damn, dirty apes.
* Preferring to let “bygones be bygones,” Arabs forget that whole Crusades thing.
* Losers on American Idol have their hearts ripped out.
* Christianity winds up being little more than a fad.
* Aztecs kick the crap out of the Spanish.
|"Dios mio! |
What'd I do to piss off
this big frikkin' chicken!?"
* Mayans kick the crap out of the Spanish.
* Navajos kick the crap out of the Spanish.
* Spanish kick the crap out of the Americans.
* Y2K results in global Armageddon.
* The world ends in May, 2011.
* 11/11/11 causes worldwide panic.
* 10/10/10 issues strongly worded letter to Secretary General of the United Nations Oprah over not being included in Doomsday Pool.
* 9/9/09 disqualified for having an extra ‘0.’
* Stumped with how to combat the Black Death, European leaders ask, “Hey, whaddya say we ask the Jews?”
|I die. John Kusack lives. |
Who's laughing now, funny man?
* Asteroid strikes the Atlantic Ocean. Kills Tea Leoni.
* Humans travel to Jupiter in 2001.
* Errr, we meant humans travel to Jupiter in 2010.
* Aw, screw it. Never mind.
* Mayan Synchronized Torture Team wins gold medal at Munich Olympics.
* In 1948, Jewish people granted 500 acre homeland in Vermont.
* Mc Chichén Itzá overtakes Burger King and Wendys as world’s largest supplier of Quarter-Pound McMonkey With Cheese.
* Atomic bomb attack on Japan stopped when someone leaves the keys to the Enola Gay in their other pants.
* Penwasser Place wins Blog of Note.
* Buddy Holly: “No, you go ahead. I’ll take the bus.”
* Contract for Pisa Urban Planning Commission awarded to Salvatore “Cross Eyes” Maravelli.
* Kinoki Foot Pads really work.
* Disney Tehran.
* Mildly Disturbed Horse never taken seriously by the Sioux.
* Devil comes down to Georgia, looking for a soul to steal.
|Hey, I had this picture on file. |
Now that I say that, I'm a little disturbed.
* Crusaders attack Constantinople when someone loses the map to the Holy Land (oh, wait, they got that one right).
* Gigli wins Oscar for Best Picture. Runner-up: Anything with Adam Sandler.
* Y1K results in worldwide shortage of corn cobs, Huns, and mud.
* Amelia Earhart remembers to gas up.
|"I'm tellin' ya. Three parrots |
and I'm a real bitch to live with."
* Jack the Ripper kills by lighting farts.
* Shrunken heads become the new pearls (NOTE: I realize the Mayans didn’t shrink heads. But, do you really think I’m going for historical accuracy here, anyway?)
* Indianapolis Colts win Super Bowl XLVI.
* President Bob Dole creates Cabinet-level Department of Naptime and Dietary Fiber.
* Party Rock Anthem replaces Star-Spangled Banner.
* Angry Birds becomes part of the SAT.
* Hitler opens day care in Sudetenland.
* Caddyshack II didn’t suck.
* Donner family goes through Mexico.
* Donner family goes through Mexico.
* Larry Flynt awarded Pulitzer Prize for “Most Creative Use of Urination in a House of Worship.”
* Abraham Lincoln: “Naw, I’ll wait ‘til the movie comes out.”
* People forget the Alamo, USS Maine, Pearl Harbor. Remember career of Milli Vanilli.
* Columbus asks for directions.
|"I'm dead. You're dead. |
What say I eat your brains?
I could go for a little Chinese."
* Chinese handcuffs defeat Saddam Hussein.
* Rhett Butler gave a damn.
* Secretary of State Snooki crafts Palestine-Israeli peace platform stressing toleration, respect, and partying.
Even so, I’m banking on the Mayans being right.
Because, if they’re not, I’m only going to have three days to buy Christmas presents.