Monday, January 30, 2012

If Today's News Has Taught Us Anything

  It's that having a group of young, naked dudes standing in front of an old, fully-clothed dude is probably not such a hot idea.

"Hey, is it cold in here or is it just me?
And, how 'bout you get your frikkin' hand off my shoulder?  This is creepy enough as it is."

I mean, it's not like it's the 18th Century anymore.

Saturday, January 28, 2012

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

We Don't Even Get a Coffee Break

And these guys get a whole hour for sex?

At least I don't need a book.

Or an hour.


CAUTION:  Shameless self-promotion ahead.
  Antares Cryptos from the cleverly-named Antares Cryptos blog (see, Nancy?  And you thought you were the only one I teased), what I prefer to call the "Thinking Man's Blog" (as opposed to the "Demented Hobbit Who Posts About Sex Hours" blog), reminded me that I had neglected to provide a link to my e-book, Shag Carpet Toilet
This picture isn't entirely accurate.  There was shag carpet on the floor, too.
Remember what I said about boys living in the house?  Yeah, imagine.
  He found it funny that a link to a digital book wasn't provided in a digital forum.  After I thought about it, I agreed that he had a point (See?  Demented and slow).

  I think the reason I had first neglected to do this was that I had to enter in a looonnnnnnnggggggg string of numbers.  I wasn't too crazy about doing that because, after all, football was on (demented, slow, and lazy).  Still, there's probably an easier way to do this, but I'm unaware what that may be (demented, slow, lazy, and stupid).

  So, if you'd like to have a gander (Al's Fun With Words Fact:  'Gander' can also be a male goose.  Although, I fail to see its relevance here) at my shaggy opus, please feel free.

  Or, if you'd like to actually use your brain, visit Antares Cryptos' place.  You may not get a Sex Hour there, but at least you may learn something.   

Sunday, January 22, 2012

Shag Carpet Toilet-The Book. Well, E-Book, Anyway.

    I finally got around and did it (well, not that 'it.'  Mrs. Penwasser has yet to fall asleep).

    Inspired by Eva from Wrestling With Retirement, I decided to dust off my opus from a couple years ago, Shag Carpet Toilet, and submit it to the good folks at Kindle for publication.

    A work of fiction, it's a tale of what it was like to be a 14 year old boy in the summer of 1972 between Catholic School graduation and freshman year at a public high school.  Even though it will resonate with people who knew me way back when, it's not a memoir.  For instance, my little brother never rode a pig in the circus.  Although my sister did fall into a pile of elephant dung.

    If any of you care to have a look at it (by 'it', I mean the book), you'll probably recognize some bits and pieces.  Over the course of the past year, I've excerpted a few chapters and posted them here as part of the "Once Upon a Time" series (golly, can I sound any more pretentious?).  These were the bits which were the most true and based on real-life events.

    Basically, what I did on Blogger was the opposite of what I did when writing Shag Carpet Toilet:  I took something fictional and rewrote it to what actually happened.  Of note, I included my real name (by real, I mean 'Al' which, as you know, isn't my real, real name.  Jeezy Pete, I feel like frikkin' Sybil-or a geriatric Batman-with all my alter egos).

    Sadly, my father really did wrap our toilet in shag carpet, though.  Oh, yeah, that part is real.  Shag carpet.  Around a toilet.  In a house with four boys and a man.  Ladies:  you know what I mean.

    So, if any of you are interested, it's an E-Kindle Book now.  Apparently, sales of Kindle took off this Christmas (if I'm wrong, don't disabuse me of this fiction) so I may get a little traction with this publishing phenomenon.  At least until the Mayans are proved right and the world really does end in December.  At which point, all those Kindles will become little more than Kindling.

    At $4.99, it's probably over-priced crap, but then again, so was Obama's biography.

    Thanks, Eva!!

  Now, if you'll excuse me, Mrs. Penwasser is looking a little sleepy.

Friday, January 20, 2012

I Looked Around

But, I couldn't find anyone named 'Jack.'

I personally think he's tired of having people sticking their headphones in him just to talk.

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

I Don't Know About This

Nowhere in this commercial about boner pills do you see a woman.

Just some dude and some horses. Then, he drives his truck full of ponies to an unsuspecting homeowner's house for who-knows-what pharmaceutically enhanced gymnastics.

I'll say this about Cialis. They may have separate bathtubs, but at least it's a man and a woman.

Not a man and Mr. Ed.

Monday, January 16, 2012

The Eyes Have It

Mr. Sulu is gay?  That's...fascinating  
    It's amazing to me how much mileage I've gotten from my Mayan Predictions Post (The End Is Near. Or Not.  Go ahead, I know you want to check it out.) and subsequent apology to Kirstie Alley (I'm Sorry, Kirstie-A Penwasser Retraction. You may want to check this out, too.  It's like I tell Mrs. Penwasser: It won't take long. Promise.)  
    A comment from Marlia of Marlia's World (which is just a hair more clever of a blog name than Nancy S. Thompson's Nancy S. Thompson blog.  Nancy, you know I love you. In a "You're on the West Coast, I'm on the East Coast" kinda way) concerned the Vulcan/Romulan (seriously, whatever) eyebrows of Lt. Saavik from Star Trek II: The Wrath of Ricardo Montalban's Pectorals.

    The sharp-eyed Marlia noticed that Kirstie's Saavik didn't sport Vulcan/Romulan (again....whatever) eyebrows.  I knew this and hoped nobody would call me on this (the fact that I knew this is disturbing).  But, I maintain that Ms. Alley didn't need this facial affectation because she clearly rocks the "raised eyebrow" look. 

    However, in Star Trek III: The Search For a Movie Which Doesn't Suck as Bad As Star Trek: The Motion Picture But Hopefully Will Break Even At the Box Office, Kirstie didn't choose to reprise (you say 'reprize', I say 'repreeze') her role as the Half-Vulcan, Half-Romulan, All-Woman, Saavik.  I'm thinking she thought it would be a career boost to star with John Travolta in Look Who's Talking (hey, she may have been right for all I know, but it was still a dumbass frikkin' movie).

  Instead, we got Robin Curtis as Saavik, who effed things up so much that Kirk's son got killed, but she had sex (or Vulcan kinda sex-which is more than I'll get tonight) with a teenage Spock.
  NOTE:  Yes, these are spoilers. But, jeezy pete, if you're complaining about this, what the hell are you waiting for to see this movie!?
    I'm not saying Robin was unattractive or anything, but she did a lousy job as Saavik.  In addition, she very clearly has the raised Vulcan/Romulan (yes, yes, I frikkin' get it.  Alien, okay??) eyebrows.  I'm thinking the good people at Paramount didn't notice this fact and decided to give Curtis the 'brow after they had a couple spare ones laying (or is that 'lying'?) around.

Quick.  What else has she been on?  
Kirstie may have had her problems,
but Robin didn't get an apology from someone who hasn't won Blog of Note, has she?

    Since we're talking Star Trek babes, I'd like to offer another picture of one hot Vulcan (yes, this one is Vulcan, smarty-pants): Jolene Blalock who played T'Pol in Star Trek: Enterprise:

With raised eyebrows
Without raised eyebrows.
But, are you looking at her eyes?  Didn't think so.
Live long and prosper.

Okay, this really will do it for the Kirstie/Robin Saavik discussions.  I guess I'll have to come up with something that doesn't leech off one of my earlier posts.
    But, if it's all the same to you, I'm going to add the pictures of T'Pol to my Scarlett Johansson pictures.  And, not fall asleep before Mrs. Penwasser.

For a change.

Saturday, January 14, 2012

I'm Sorry, Kirstie-A Penwasser Retraction.

    In my recent post about the Mayan end of the world (I'm still preparing for it-I sent my mortgage company a big "FU" email), I included a list of predictions which the Mayans got wrong.  One of these predictions, "Kirstie Alley stays hot," was inaccurate.
    Eva from Wrestling With Retirement and Pat from A View From the Edge reminded me that Ms. Alley has recently dropped a WHOLE bunch of weight.  She is decidedly hot.

    My first view exposure to Kirstie (God, that sounds dirty) centered upon her role as Lt. Saavik in Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan, one of my absolute favorites in the Star Trek series (right behind Star Trek XII: The Search For a Nice Clean Restroom....c'mon, did anyone really think a guy who writes the kind of stuff I do didn't have a favorite Star Trek movie?  Seriously?)
  NOTE:  This is probably the record for "Most Use of Italics" in one sentence.
Yeah, that's what I'm talking 'bout. 
Launching photon torpedo.
    This was further reinforced by her role as Rebecca Howe (I think that was her last name.  Wayyyyyy too lazy to Google it) in Cheers.  In that classic NBC sitcom, she was much easier on the eyes than Cliff, Norm, Fraser, and Carla (the same Carla who married Danny DeVito. Oh, yeah, 'nuff said).
No pointy ears or arched eyebrows.
Still...Cheers, Kirstie
       But, from a career (see: Look Who's Talking) and personal standpoint, she started to slip a little in the early 90's.  Who knows why?  Her self-loathing became humorous fodder on late-night talk shows (and a 21st Century Non-Blog of Note).
    On the upside, she wasn't hit on by Bill Clinton.
Things got so bad, her hair went gray
and she tried to slash her left breast off
  From a starring role in Fat Actress to spokeswoman for Jenny Craig (or Weight Watchers.  Remember....Google lazy), Kirstie became the target of cruel jokes.  

    Well, no more.  As seen on Dancing With the Stars, Kirstie has lost a buttload (and not just in the butt)  of weight.  She recently appeared  on the Ellen show to show off her new bad self and claim she would like an "ugly" man (Hey, Kirstie, if you're not pissed at me, give me a shout).
She may be in her 60s, but Great Googli-Moogli!
    Bottom line, she looks fantastic.  I'm thinking the Mayans have gotten their prediction right (I still don't believe Shemp will become more popular than Curly, though).  So, thank you, Eva and Pat.  Kirstie (yeah, as if you read this crap!): please accept my heartfelt apology.  You are most definitely hot.

A GENUINE PENWASSER SERIOUS MOMENT:  As I thought about what I had written, I realized that it was very cruel of me to poke fun at her.  A person's "hotness" does not hinge on how much weight that person carries or, indeed, their physical appearance.  Personal jabs for the sake of a dopey joke are just that.  Dopey.  I will do my utmost to refrain from attacks of this nature in the future.  They're just wrong.
Programming Note:  Anthony Weiner is still fair game.

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

The End is Near. Or Not.

Okay, this is Aztec. But, seriously,
you wouldn't have known if I hadn't told you, would you?

    “Hey, Mr. Penwasser, do you believe in 2012?”
    “Sure, I do.”
    “Hey, everybody, Mr. Penwasser believes in 2012!  I told you it was for real!”
    “I also believe in 2013 and 2014.”
    “Oh, man, that’s just wrong.”

    So went a conversation I had with one of the lads with whom I spend seven hours a day, five days a week, and 184 days a year (including federal holidays or feigned illness to catch a Phillies game).

    Hey, it’s not like I don’t believe in the prognosticative (NOTE:  A real word.  Yeah, I was surprised, too) abilities of a civilization which has been dead for over 1,100 years (or roughly as old as Mick Jagger).
    Especially since the Mayan “Long Count Calendar” is as precise as it is.  I mean, how can you argue with a system where 20 days makes a uinal, 18 uinals make a tun, 20 tuns make a k’atun, 20 k’atuns (approx 394 years.  Give or take) make a b’ak’tun, and six of a kind make Yahtzee?
    In other words, you can stick your Gregorian calendars, Magic 8 Balls, and Rock, Scissors, Paper where the K’in (Mayan for ‘sun.’ Or monkey) don’t shine.
    Still, I have to wonder if we’re maybe not over-stating things a tad.  What if, instead of their calendar ending precisely on December 21, 2012 (thus implying end times), some Mayan dudes just ran out of rock?  And the nearest Meso-American Staples was way the frig over in Mexico?
    Considering all the room for mistranslation (it’s not like there’s a Mayan For Dummies at Barnes and Nobles) we could, in fact, be blowing things out of proportion.
    After all, they also predicted:

* Kardashian marriage lasts 73 days.
* Mel Gibson appointed Ambassador to Israel.
* America-The Beautiful changed to America-She Really Has a Nice Personality.
* Merchants scramble to unload millions of “The Second World War-This Time It’s For Keeps!” tee shirts after it turns out World War One really was the war to end all wars.
* Octo-Mom’s uterus falls out.
* Kirstie Alley stays hot.
This is what I mean.
This?  Not so much.
* Al Gore invents Internet.
* Diana to Charles:  “You’re a nice guy and all, but I have to wash my hair.”
* Shemp more popular than Curly.
* French hate Jerry Lewis.
* Galileo arrested for pointing telescope at Uranus.
* Earth ruled by damn, dirty apes.
* Preferring to let “bygones be bygones,” Arabs forget that whole Crusades thing.
* Losers on American Idol have their hearts ripped out.
"You know, it does taste like chicken."
* Michael Moore eats World’s Biggest Loser.
* Christianity winds up being little more than a fad.
* Aztecs kick the crap out of the Spanish.

"Dios mio!
What'd I do to piss off
this big frikkin' chicken!?"
* Incas kick the crap out of the Spanish.
* Mayans kick the crap out of the Spanish.
* Navajos kick the crap out of the Spanish.
* Spanish kick the crap out of the Americans.
* Y2K results in global Armageddon.
* The world ends in May, 2011.
* 11/11/11 causes worldwide panic.
* 10/10/10 issues strongly worded letter to Secretary General of the United Nations Oprah over not being included in Doomsday Pool.
* 9/9/09 disqualified for having an extra ‘0.’
* Stumped with how to combat the Black Death, European leaders ask, “Hey, whaddya say we ask the Jews?”
I die.  John Kusack lives.
Who's laughing now, funny man?
* Asteroid strikes the Atlantic Ocean.  Kills Tea Leoni.
* Humans travel to Jupiter in 2001.
* Errr, we meant humans travel to Jupiter in 2010.
* Aw, screw it.  Never mind.
* Mayan Synchronized Torture Team wins gold medal at Munich Olympics.
* In 1948, Jewish people granted 500 acre homeland in Vermont. 
* Mc Chichén Itzá overtakes Burger King and Wendys as world’s largest supplier of Quarter-Pound McMonkey With Cheese.
* Atomic bomb attack on Japan stopped when someone leaves the keys to the Enola Gay in their other pants.
* Penwasser Place wins Blog of Note.
* Buddy Holly: “No, you go ahead.  I’ll take the bus.”
* Contract for Pisa Urban Planning Commission awarded to Salvatore “Cross Eyes” Maravelli.
* Kinoki Foot Pads really work.
* Disney Tehran.
* Mildly Disturbed Horse never taken seriously by the Sioux.
* Devil comes down to Georgia, looking for a soul to steal.
Hey, I had this picture on file.
Now that I say that, I'm a little disturbed.
* Chaz Bono implicated in sex scandal with Bradley Cooper. 
* Crusaders attack Constantinople when someone loses the map to the Holy Land (oh, wait, they got that one right).
* Gigli wins Oscar for Best Picture.  Runner-up:  Anything with Adam Sandler.
* Y1K results in worldwide shortage of corn cobs, Huns, and mud.
* Amelia Earhart remembers to gas up.
"I'm tellin' ya. Three parrots
and I'm a real bitch to live with."
* Geologists attribute San Francisco Earthquake to too many parrots eaten by Jaguar god.
* Jack the Ripper kills by lighting farts.
* Shrunken heads become the new pearls (NOTE: I realize the Mayans didn’t shrink heads.  But, do you really think I’m going for historical accuracy here, anyway?)
* Indianapolis Colts win Super Bowl XLVI.
* President Bob Dole creates Cabinet-level Department of Naptime and Dietary Fiber.
* Party Rock Anthem replaces Star-Spangled Banner.
* Angry Birds becomes part of the SAT.
I'm sorry.
Comedy or no, it did suck.
* The War of 1812 lasts only one year.
* Hitler opens day care in Sudetenland.
* Caddyshack II didn’t suck. 
* Donner family goes through Mexico.
* Larry Flynt awarded Pulitzer Prize for “Most Creative Use of Urination in a House of Worship.”
* Abraham Lincoln: “Naw, I’ll wait ‘til the movie comes out.”
* People forget the Alamo, USS Maine, Pearl Harbor.  Remember career of Milli Vanilli.
* Columbus asks for directions.
"I'm dead. You're dead.
What say I eat your brains?
I could go for a little Chinese."
* Richard Nixon becomes a zombie.  No one notices.
* Chinese handcuffs defeat Saddam Hussein.
* Rhett Butler gave a damn.
* Secretary of State Snooki crafts Palestine-Israeli peace platform stressing toleration, respect, and partying.

  Even so, I’m banking on the Mayans being right.
  Because, if they’re not, I’m only going to have three days to buy Christmas presents.

Sunday, January 8, 2012

Accidental Comedy Part IV

I don't know.  I thought this kind of thing was illegal outside of West Virginia.

Plus, even though the resolution on my cell phone camera is lousy, the package says on the upper left, "Not Dirty."

I disagree.

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

If You Need a Label To Turn Blue

Before you know whether your beer is cold enough to drink....

You're wayyyyyyyyyy too frikkin' drunk.  Call a cab and go home, ya rummie.

Sunday, January 1, 2012

This is the Year That Was

    I'm back.  
  After enjoying the final week of the year that was (notice how clever I am for injecting the title of this post into this sentence?  Yep, didn't waste any money on those creative writing correspondence courses) I thought I'd reflect back on the year that was (BONUS: I did it again) before we segue (I knew that thesaurus would come in handy) into 2012, the last year of the world.

   Sidebar, Your Honor?  By the way, I'm going to say "Twenty Twelve" and not "Two Thousand and Twelve."  Frankly, it's time to give the use of "Two Thousand and" when prefacing the year a rest.  From now on, it will be "Twenty XX" until the day I die.  Unless I make it to the 22nd Century.  In that case, I'll say "Twenty One XX."  But, there's probably not much of a chance of that.  Unless I get bitten by a vampire.

  Sidebar Within a Sidebar, Your Honor?  Not for nothin', if I'm going to be bitten by a vampire, I'd prefer to be bitten in my 20s instead of now.  I'd hate to go through eternity as a balding, middle-aged man who needs Pepsi to burp.  Could be worse, though.  I could be bitten before I had pubes.

  Okay, where was I? Oh, yeah, the year that was (BONUS BONUS:  I did it yet again).  As anyone with a television, radio, newspaper, or loudmouth neighbor knows, 2011 was quite a year.  A lot of good happened and a lot of very bad happened.

  No doubt, you'll be pummeled with the lists of the good and the bad for the year that was (if you haven't noticed so far, you never will).  I prefer to give you a list of the ugly.
  Or, the goofy.....

"Aren't you glad there's no football on?"

January-State of the Union Address on all major networks.  Most people watch Cupcake Wars on the Food Network.

"Have you even seen the new show?
It really sucks balls."

February-After Charlie Sheen loses his mind, CBS cancels the four remaining episodes of Two and a Half Men.  Asks Demi Moore if Ashton can come out to play.

"Coulda had Scarlett Johansson,
but, nooooooo, hadda have Jodie Foster."  

March-Mel Gibson stars with Jodie Foster in The Beaver.  After initial box-office rush from people who thought it was a porno film, attendance falls flat.

"Pssst, Dad.  Sure, she's no Diana.
But, she ain't no Camilla, either.
If you know what I mean."

April-Prince William and Kate Middleston wed.  Decides against honeymoon in Swiss Alps when the "Prince-Albert-In-A-Can" bridal suite opens up at the Pocono Palace.  Wills is a sucker for heart-shaped tubs.

"Oh, crap! I blew off this
month's mortgage payment!"
May-End of world.  Norman “Dances With Jaguars” Xcpotlyzkq, from the Mayan Anti-Defamation League, issues the following to the Reverend Harold Camping, “Up yours.  See you next year.”

One man's shameful embarrassment
is another man's comedy GOLD

June-Anthony Weiner resigns from Congress.  Forced to take the “Little Congressman” with him.

July-Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony announce they will divorce.  Millions don’t care.

"If she asks real, real nice,
she can borrow the dress."
August-After Alex Rodriguez, the Phillie Phanatic, and a good basketball player become unavailable, Kim Kardashian weds the New Jersey Nets’ Eric Humphries.

"Hey, it's more than what Chaz has.
I'm just sayin'"

September-Nancy Grace suffers alleged wardrobe malfunction while performing on Dancing With the Stars.  Her “nip slip” causes many male viewers to embrace homosexuality.

Kim also didn't
appreciate being shoved 

in Kris' armpit

October-After only 72 days of marriage, Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries split, citing irreconcilable differences, low ratings, and the NBA lockout.

Featured in this month's Playboy.
Her mouth may be closed.  I think.

Qaddafi, Osama, Dear Leader.
Kind of a Scumbag Trifecta.
November-Promising to be “really, really, really” good, Lindsay Lohan spends less than five hours in jail.  So she can make last call.


-Kim Jong Il dies.  Makers of troll dolls in mourning.