Saturday, December 10, 2011

A Yule Dad Cometh

In the running for the role of Yule Lads.
Until the government of Iceland realized they were all dead.
    Our daughter was snoring away-no doubt dreaming of what kind of “loot” she’d get from the little troll that night (and I don’t mean me).  A precocious fourth-grader, she made sure to tell us at dinner that she’d been a great girl that year.  Hopefully, Stekkjarstaur would be able to fit a puppy in her sneaker.
Type II Diabetes-Starring Eddie Murphy
    One child down, I told my wife I’d place a “Family Size” Snickers (if the family was the Klumps) in my son’s shoe.
    The base’s apartments weren’t like the typical ones back in America.  Everything was so small, I didn’t have room to walk around his bed.  This being the case, I had to stretch clear across where he slept just to reach the windowsill.          
    As I neared his shoe, I heard a voice from out of the darkness, “That’s okay, Dad.  You can turn on the light if you can’t see.”
    Busted, I quickly dropped the candy into his shoe and departed without a word.
    The next morning at breakfast, I asked my eleven year old about the night before.
    “Oh, that,” he said with a wave of his hand, “I’m too old for that stuff anymore.  I’ll tell you what, just save yourself the trouble and give me my present before I go to bed.”
    Mildly depressed that my little boy was growing up, I said nothing as he headed off to school.
    Before he walked through the door, he called over his shoulder, “Oh, hey, I left something for you and Mom on your nightstand.  See you this afternoon.”
    Shaking off my gloominess, I shuffled into my dollhouse bedroom and saw a piece of paper next to the alarm clock.  It was my son’s Christmas list.
What the frik is an iPod Docking Station?
Maybe I should just give the Penwasser kid a potato.
    Starting off with “Dear Santa,” it went on to list, by color, size, and memory storage, everything he wanted to see under the tree come Christmas morning.
    At the bottom, he closed with, “Oh, yeah, just in case, Merry Christmas, Mom and Dad.”
    Or, as they say in Iceland, “Gleδileg Jól.”





Wow, as my date for the prom said, "That was wicked short."  Sorry, I probably could have combined this post into one.  Wait a minute, that's crazy talk.  Then, I'd have to write something original.  So, to help make up for it....
You're welcome.

I have two more reposts in the works to send to you before Christmas.  I may also write an original Christmas post, as well.  Plus, I'll write a few other posts on something other than Christmas.  Maybe Xmas.

Have a great weekend.


ADDENDUM:
  Even though it wasn't his intention, Patt Hatt, over at It's Rhyme Time inspired me to provide the complete list of the Yule Lads.  The more I thought about it, the more I figured that giving you this information would be useful if you wanted to try this tradition with your kids.  Plus, like I said, this post was wicked short and I wanted to put in some filler.
"Yeah, give us any lip and we'll drop more than a potato in your shoes.  Oh, the hag behind us?  No, that's not Hillary Clinton. She's our mom, Gryla.
She hasn't put her face on yet."


December 12th-Stekkjarstaur (The Sheep Worrier).  Really, you would know this if you've been paying attention.
December 13th-Giljagaur (Gully Gawk).  This guy dorks around with the milk in the house. Don't worry.  He doesn't use his own dork.
December 14th-Stufur (Stubby).  He's the runt of the litter and also messes around in the kitchen.  You may want to put a box next to your kids' windowsill so he can reach it (hey, I didn't make this stuff up).
December 15th-Thvorusleikur (Spoon Licker).  The Icelandic name has Icelandic letters in it (go figure) so my spelling isn't completely accurate.  So, go with "Spoon Licker."  Even though it's gross.
December 16th-Pottasleikur (Pot Licker).  I'm detecting a trend.  I think "Leikur" means "licker."  Or "liquor."  
December 17th-Askasleikur (Bowl Licker).  Yeah, I thought it meant "Ass Licker," too.
December 18th-Hurdaskeller (Door Slammer). I guarantee that if you do this, you'll scare the hell out of the kids.  If that's what you're into.
December 19th- Skygamur (Skyr Glutton).  Skyr is like yogurt which this guy evidently really loves.  Must be on a diet.
December 20th-Bjugnakraekir (Sausage Stealer). No, this doesn't mean you're at a Village People concert or Barney Frank's house.  NOTE:  The 'a' and 'e' are actually funky letters which are squished together to make an 'i' sound (like "tie').  You're welcome.
December 21st-Gluggagaegir (Window Peeper). Oh, this one is wicked creepy in a Pee Wee Herman kind of way.
December 22nd-Gattathefur (Door Sniffer). They say this guy is sniffing for cakes or other goodies.  Righhhhhttttttt.
December 23rd-Ketkrokur (Meat Hook).  A Wes Craven Holiday production.
December 24th-Kertasnikir (Candle Beggar)-After all his licker and sniffer relatives were thrown in jail, there was no money to pay the Electric company.  Dude needed lights from somewhere.
  Okay, seriously, that's it for today.  
  Have another look at Scarlett before you go, though. Don't cost nuthin'.

33 comments:

  1. Great post as always man, Pat Hatt is awesome! Iceland sounds like an insane place, it must have been a bit weird for your family.

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  2. Sorry Al, Scarlett just doesn't do it for me. So I will just have to re-read the post for pleasure.

    "Askasleikur" - heeheeheehee! I thought it said 'ask us later'

    Needed this laugh!

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  3. LOL ... thanks for making me smile first thing! :o)

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  4. That was a great experience for your family to partake in a different culture. (although it be a sniffer and licker) :)
    My Grandmother told me if they were bad, they got a lump of coal in their Christmas stocking. With today's price of fuel, that would be like the "good prize."

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  5. haha I'm an inspiration for filler. I guess it's something..hahaha

    Sounds like fun, one day if I have more than cats will definitely have to use them. Cats just don't seem to get it..haha Oh and yep had a second look too, so worth it.

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  6. Too funny. Thanks for the laugh. :)

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  7. You always make me smile, or spit something out my nose!

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  8. i liked your santa pic caption. damn kid should get a potato. or maybe i'm just projecting because it's my favorite food. well, actually it's a toss up between potatoes and cheese.

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  9. I was sad when my 10 year old niece told me she didn't believe in Santa too. If I tell my kids about Santa it's going to break my heart when they say they don't believe in him.

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  10. Enjoyed the post! Its always kinda sad when the little ones grow up and realize the truth about Santa or the Tooth Fairy or stupid politics!

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  11. You're a riot Al. What more can I say!

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  12. @Barb: Thanks! I love it when real life provides such material.
    @Steve: Tooth Fairy? Dear Lord in heaven, the Tooth Fairy is bogus???
    @Mark: Not long after the above story happened (in fact, it was immediately after), Mrs. Penwasser told my daughter there was no Santa. When I demanded to know why, she responded, "Well, she asked. I wasn't going to lie to our daughter." Hmm, I guess it's hard to argue with that. We still tease her about it, though. But, seriously, Steve....the Tooth Fairy????
    @Sherilin: Put cheese ON a potato and you've got yourself a deal.
    @Eva: "Milk nose blow" is always my goal.
    @Mrs. E: Oh, you're very welcome!
    @Pat: Yeah, and with a cat, you'd have to watch what you put in their shoes. You put granola in them, they think it's litter, and then......
    @Manzanita: No kidding. You can keep your Star Wars action figures. We want to stay warm!
    @Deborah: Good thing I didn't include a picture of me. Then, you'd retch second thing!
    @Marlia: I didn't figure Scarlett would do it for the ladies. But, after I wrote a post with beefcake pictures in it last summer, the gentlemen of the blogosphere played havoc with my manliness. And the neighborhood kids soaped my car. And the squirrels went after my nuts. Although, that probably wasn't related.
    @Yeamie: Pat Hatt is one of the most talented people out there. The guy can make a rhyme out of anything. And all I can do are limericks. Iceland was a fantastic experience for my family.

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  13. Ummmm... cheesy potatoes, what could be better?
    I'll pass on the Scarlett too.
    My daughter used to just let us think she still believed. She didn't want to disappoint us.

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  14. Wicked funny, but then you had me with the curb side photo.

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  15. That was another bloody good post I really enjoyed it

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  16. @Ruth: I think your daughter was hedging her bets like my son. Just in case.
    @Gene: Well, it caught my good side.
    @Jo-Anne: Thanks, I'm glad you liked it.

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  17. You should have been proud that your son had grown up enough to see through the Santa Clause con. And even prouder if he'd asked for a life-sized Scarlett doll next Christmas.

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  18. I'll take Scarlett in my shoe anytime!
    As for ass licker.....wait till he's done cooking breakfast or he'll break the yokes.

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  19. @Gorilla: That Scarlett doll is all mine.
    @Bushman: I thought it meant ass licking me. Then, the hell with the eggs.

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  20. Between you and PatHatt, there's never a shortage of clever wit around here. I wouldn't mind some sexy men photos, though. Reposting some of your own would do just fine.
    xoRobyn

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  21. I like it when you share your gloomy side sometimes. (Maybe it's just my mood today.)

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  22. Okay, I took your suggestion and went back and looked at Scarlett again. And again. And then I looked for a long time. Did you post something other than that? Okay Scarlett one more time.


    Lee
    On 12/12—Blogging advice from a blogging expert (no it’s not me)
    Tossing It Out

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  23. That's unfortunate but at least your daughter still believes right?

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  24. Dammit I didn't make it over here Saturday. Had the bloody flu and acid dreams even Hendrix would envy. It's a good thing I didn't read it then, 'cause those Lollipop boys would have scared the shite right out of me. I'm Irish and would have loved a feckin' potato when I was a kid.

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  25. I'm sorry, did you say something? The only thing I gleaned from this post was Scarlett's lovely holiday attire.

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  26. Thatta boy! Talk about making sure all the bases are covered!

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  27. @Bones: Thanks!
    @Robyn: I hope if, by "Reposting some of your own," you don't mean me. Oh, the humanity! I may go looking for some photos for the ladies, though. I've got several posts planned between now and Dec 25th. It may be after the new year, though.
    @dbs: It's my medication.
    @Arlee: I'm telling ya, Scarlett does it for me. On a related topic, Dr. Heckle posted a picture of the most attractive cow I have ever seen. I posted it on my desktop and tell Mrs. Penwasse" I got milk whenever she gets suspicious. I turned off the "Moo, moo, Al, let me show you my udders." sound, though.
    @DWei: Unfortunately, Mrs. Penwasser spilled the beans that very year. Do you think gift-giving has stopped, though? Ohhhh, nooooooo.
    @Anne: Who needs cable TV when you have acid dreams?
    @Beer: And that ain't a candy cane in my trousers, either.
    @Kara: Now I have to explain why "Leonard the Christmas Hobo" has tinsel on his shopping cart full of cans.

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  28. Once I saw the photo of Scarlett, I forgot about all the rest! She certainly puts me in the holiday "spirit!"
    Great and funny post...

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  29. She gives new meaning to the term "Yule Log."

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  30. I can look at Scarlett all day long... Probably all night too.

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  31. That was great! My5-yr-old asked me today "Is Santa real?" I tried to ignore her persistence until finally I just asked, "Do you think he's real?" She said yes, and I told her he was exactly as real as she thought he was. I dodged the bullet...for now.

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  32. @Dr. Heckle: I give you Scarlett, you gave me "cow lady." Which I copied and put on my desktop under "cow."
    @Amberr: Outstanding way to get yourself out of a tough spot. You have a bright future, Congresswoman Meadows.

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