Dear Family and Friends of the Penwasser family,
We hope the approaching holiday season finds you happy, healthy, and free from care. Can it be Christmas already?
NOTE: For our Jewish friends-Can it be Hanukkah already?
NOTE: For our friends celebrating manufactured holidays from the 1960's-Can it be Kwanzaa already?
NOTE: For our Muslim friends-Can it be Ramadan already? Well, actually, no it can't, because that happened in August. But, please, help yourself to some fruitcake and punch.
NOTE: For our Voodoo friends-stick a pin in that Dick Cheney doll for us. And have all the chicken heads you want.
NOTE: For our Buddhist friends-Can it be...hey, what is it that you celebrate, anyway?
NOTE: For our Hindu friends...wait a minute. We don't have any Hindu friends. But, if we did, go ahead and get jiggy with that chick with the six arms.
NOTE: For our Wiccan friends-hey, nothing for you. Get back to work!
Life for the Penwassers has been pretty hectic, let us tell you!!!!!
NOTE: As with all of our family newsletters, we've had quite a bit of difficulty trying to figure what "point of view" we should adopt. In other words, should we continue to keep using the words "we" and "us" as if you'd really believe that all of us are writing this frikkin' thing when it's actually just one person? Well, to avoid appearing as sad as a Hulk Hogan family reunion, we'll stick with the "we" and "us" convention. But, you all know who's really writing this.
We're all terribly proud of Cal and Val! Not only are they doing terrific in school, they have something their father never had-height. Ha, ha! Seriously, they really do tower over their dad and are relieved that they won't have to go through life looking up into other people's nostrils.
Both of the kids plan on moving as far away from home as they possibly can as soon as they possibly can. Boy, are we proud as peacocks at their sense of independence!
Despite what the police said, we don't think it has anything to do with their father chasing squirrels around the backyard dressed only in his bathrobe.
Mom is as busy as ever. Whether it's working a full-time job, taking care of the house, raising the children, volunteering at church, playing bunco, directing community theater, working in a soup kitchen, roping cattle, feeding the hungry, healing the sick, clothing the naked, managing the Romney campaign, launching ships, coordinating a scrap drive, taming the West, attending her Post-It Origami classes, or having a headache every night, she does it all! To which Dad would say, "Well, not all."
Our dog, Pal, sleeps, eats, poops, scratches, and licks himself. Because he can.
Dad, besides developing the ability of speaking of himself in the third person, is proud to report that he continues to wake up every morning. Plus, he continues his remarkable recovery from injuries sustained after trying that "thing Pal can do."
Sadly, his career as a traffic flagger came to an abrupt end after an inadvertent "Slow" instead of "Stop" resulted in a horrific collision of Shriners in little cars with a Mummers Fancy Brigade last New Years Day.
Luckily, the Navy continues to mail him a pension check as long as he stops telling people he actually worked for them.
He keeps busy drawing boobs on pictures of Chaz Bono, bothering Sherilin on Facebook, and writing letters to the Royal Family demanding to know why he was invited to Prince William's wedding. Luckily, he dodged a bullet with that Kardashian thing, though. Although, he has no idea where to wear that powder blue tux he bought for the occasion.
2012 promises to be an action-packed year for us all! Not only are we thrilled to change our calendars and say "Twenty Twelve" instead of the unnecessarily wordy "Two Thousand and Twelve", we're breathlessly waiting to see how long it will take for us to stop writing "2011" on our checks.
What's even more exciting is that, since the Mayans say the world will end next December 21st, we won't have to buy any Christmas presents for anyone or write another newsletter.
We hope you have a blessed holiday season full of the joy which comes from a loving family, dear friends, and a liberal return policy at JC Penney's.