Saturday, December 17, 2011

Now That I've Got Your Attention

Dear Family and Friends of the Penwasser family,
  We hope the approaching holiday season finds you happy, healthy, and free from care.  Can it be Christmas already?
  NOTE:  For our Jewish friends-Can it be Hanukkah already?
  NOTE:  For our friends celebrating manufactured holidays from the 1960's-Can it be Kwanzaa already?
  NOTE:  For our Muslim friends-Can it be Ramadan already?  Well, actually, no it can't, because that happened in August.  But, please, help yourself to some fruitcake and punch.
  NOTE:  For our Voodoo friends-stick a pin in that Dick Cheney doll for us.  And have all the chicken heads you want.
  NOTE:  For our Buddhist friends-Can it be...hey, what is it that you celebrate, anyway?
  NOTE:  For our Hindu friends...wait a minute.  We don't have any Hindu friends.  But, if we did, go ahead and get jiggy with that chick with the six arms.
  NOTE:  For our Wiccan friends-hey, nothing for you.  Get back to work!

  Life for the Penwassers has been pretty hectic, let us tell you!!!!!
  NOTE:  As with all of our family newsletters, we've had quite a bit of difficulty trying to figure what "point of view" we should adopt.  In other words, should we continue to keep using the words "we" and "us" as if you'd really believe that all of us are writing this frikkin' thing when it's actually just one person?  Well, to avoid appearing as sad as a Hulk Hogan family reunion, we'll stick with the "we" and "us" convention.  But, you all know who's really writing this.

  We're all terribly proud of Cal and Val!  Not only are they doing terrific in school, they have something their father never had-height.  Ha, ha!  Seriously, they really do tower over their dad and are relieved that they won't have to go through life looking up into other people's nostrils.
  Both of the kids plan on moving as far away from home as they possibly can as soon as they possibly can.  Boy, are we proud as peacocks at their sense of independence!
  Despite what the police said, we don't think it has anything to do with their father chasing squirrels around the backyard dressed only in his bathrobe.

  Mom is as busy as ever.  Whether it's working a full-time job, taking care of the house, raising the children, volunteering at church, playing bunco, directing community theater, working in a soup kitchen, roping cattle, feeding the hungry, healing the sick, clothing the naked, managing the Romney campaign, launching ships, coordinating a scrap drive, taming the West, attending her Post-It Origami  classes, or having a headache every night, she does it all!  To which Dad would say, "Well, not all."

  Our dog, Pal, sleeps, eats, poops, scratches, and licks himself.  Because he can.

  Dad, besides developing the ability of speaking of himself in the third person, is proud to report that he continues to wake up every morning.  Plus, he continues his remarkable recovery from injuries sustained after trying that "thing Pal can do."
  Sadly, his career as a traffic flagger came to an abrupt end after an inadvertent "Slow" instead of "Stop" resulted in a horrific collision of Shriners in little cars with a Mummers Fancy Brigade last New Years Day.
  Luckily, the Navy continues to mail him a pension check as long as he stops telling people he actually worked for them.  
  He keeps busy drawing boobs on pictures of Chaz Bono, bothering Sherilin on Facebook,  and writing letters to the Royal Family demanding to know why he was invited to Prince William's wedding.  Luckily, he dodged a bullet with that Kardashian thing, though.  Although, he has no idea where to wear that powder blue tux he bought for the occasion. 

  2012 promises to be an action-packed year for us all!  Not only are we thrilled to change our calendars and say "Twenty Twelve" instead of the unnecessarily wordy "Two Thousand and Twelve", we're breathlessly waiting to see how long it will take for us to stop writing "2011" on our checks.  

  What's even more exciting is that, since the Mayans say the world will end next December 21st, we won't have to buy any Christmas presents for anyone or write another newsletter.
  We hope you have a blessed holiday season full of the joy which comes from a loving family, dear friends, and a liberal return policy at JC Penney's.
Have a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!
and, just in case, have a good one of these



  1. It took me a split second to realize that you were pissed at the Royals for inviting you to the wedding. Strangely they didn't invite me, but the last name O'Leary may have tipped them off that I'm a mick, so I guess that's that. Sorry to hear about the whole Shriners debacle though, but at least you've got your pension (until you publish your book). Have a Happy Kwanza!

  2. Oh, my! This whole newsletter thing has driven me daft. I meant to say I WASN'T invited to the wedding. Oh, bollocks (isn't that what you say?)! Comedy should never be rushed. Or "maritals." Unless there's something good on TV.

  3. Yes it's bollocks we say. I think it's better this way. Being pissed because you were invited makes more sense from my perspective. Now you'll have to write a post telling people about this post, because I just came from that post and they don't seem to know about this post. Christ yer confusing me Al. I'm gonna go shag me hubby now.

  4. Just make a sign that says SLOP, stick it in a hole and let them figure it out.
    Pal should have never gave you that idea in the first place. BAD DOG!
    Romney? Better than David Duke I suppose. with him there is no Kwaanza!

  5. Now that is the kind of update letter I wouldn't mind getting. Luckily I really don't get many. Is it me or are they always just filled with bragging and "we're better than you's"? Maybe it's just me but I'd rather they send me something I give a crap about. If I don't know what the hell is going on in your house/life are we really that close other words do I really need to know?

    Is it wrong to feel that way? I promise I'm not scroogey.

  6. So many notes haha, I loved this letter man. Have an excellent Kwanza Al, haha! :)

  7. hahaha you actually tried that dog licking thing, don't you know that's just asking for trouble? haha Hopefully it was infront of those squirrels in your bathrobe either.

    And soo true to, I'll prob be writing 2011 for a good month.

  8. i love that i got mentioned here. and in your next post! and i thought you should know, al, i got a text from my dad this morning and an email from my mom telling me how much they laughed at your comment on my post today. you're just mister funnypants. now keep those funnypants on & everything tucked away. no one wants to see that!
    happy kwanza!

  9. @Sherilin: You're welcome-those are the perks you get from being my longest-running follower. I had fun with your post about cats, I'll admit that. 'Ocelot' made me giggle. As did 'Cougar.' Well, gotta go get me some Kwanzaa presents. I think oranges. Or bundles of sticks. By the way, I make sure my elbows are covered.
    @Pat: NEVER in front of squirrels! They're just a little TOO interested in collecting nuts for the winter. If you know what I mean. I'm curious which will end first: writing "2011" on my checks or taking down the outside Christmas lights.
    @Yeamie: Kwanzaa-The festival of keeping the holiday spirit alive until you can go get wrecked on New Year's Eve.
    @Jewels: It's not you because they usually are. So, it's not wrong. I used to write real Christmas newsletters for my family. But, instead of writing the same ole "who gives a flying crap" brag sheet, I tried to make it funny. Similar to the above, but true. I even made fun of myself (very similar to above) but I never made fun of my family. They have enough trouble living with me.
    @Bushman: Worst thing is that, since his operation in Iceland, Pal (the "It" dog") doesn't have anything to lick. But, come to think of it, if I was like that (like Chaz Bono, but shorter) it wouldn't stop me, either.
    @Anne: Good luck with hubby. Fell free to attack him when he's asleep. We don't mind that. Especially me. Because I'm so grateful.

  10. So glad to get your freakin' Holiday letter. Don't expect anything in return, however. I am opposed to such blatant self-promotion!

  11. Happy Holidays to the Penwasser Gang. Al, stay away from the eggnog. I heard there's a recall on any that was made in Jersey! haha. And I love anyone who would draw boobs on Chaz Bono. They've got to have a great sense of humor!

  12. @Eva: I know. Who needs that kind of pressure?
    @Barb: Now you tell me! A group of Teamsters pulled up in front of my house and said, "Now youse gonna want this friggin' egg nog or what? We ain't gonna have a problem, ain't we? I'd hate to get all emotionally physical witchu.""

  13. I think the Voodoo friends have already put a pin in Dick Cheney. Have you seen him lately? It may be time for him to start putting his affairs in order.
    Nostradamus said the world was gonna end in two-thousand, twelve. Hmmm... which one to believe.

  14. Ha! My dog has the same talents. Because she can. Love this post, Penwasser. Lots of silliness here.

  15. @Ruth: But Nostradamus isn't Mayan. He's French. And I make fun of the French. Ohhh....crap.
    @Dawn: The downside of being able to do that is that dogs often fall asleep all curled up with their butts in their nose.

  16. Wow, a Christmas holiday update newsletter.
    You can't crumple it up and throw it in the wastebasket either.
    You and your family have a happy Christmas.

  17. But you can delete it and pretend it never existed.
    Wish we could do that with Ben Affleck movies.